was he "the one that got away" or was i?

back story: about 8 years ago while i was a student at georgia perimeter college, i developed a huge crush on a guy. his name was marinotti. apparently many other women thought he was a cutie too because everytime i saw him, he was surrounded by women that were laughing and fawning over him. but somehow, no matter how many women were nearby, i always managed he lock eyes with him as i'd walk across campus. i asked around and i eventually learned who he was and we worked our ways into eachother's casual circles. i remember how one day we sat in the student center talking and i actually had him laughing until he was nearly crying. it was that day that i learned that he was actually a bit of a nerd. i was smitten. i eventually worked up the nerve to ask him if we could hang and he broke the news to me- he had signed up for the military and he was shipping out shortly. heartbroken, i somehow managed to move on.

i never forgot about marinotti. every now and again i would look around myspace, facebook and google to see if i could find him, but i never did.

today, while in the farmers market with deen and caleb, i walked away to grab a few items. i remember seeing some big ghetto chick in an ugly dress with ugly tats. i glanced at her and walked away. but then, i looked over and i saw a guy eyeballing me, which i really didn't sweat because let's be honest, i am a bit of a hottie and guys eyeballing me happens daily (not that i'm arrogant lol). but then i looked at him again. it was marinotti. and he had a baby carriage with him. his eyes were bloodshot and he looked high. he didn't have that same fresh babyface i remembered. he looked like he'd had a long life. and its only been 8 years.

walking through the farmer's market a bit longer and i realized that the tattooed chick in the ugly dress was there with marinotti. what. the. hell? was this seriously the same dude that had the fliest chicks at gpc hanging on his every word? i try not to think like this because even in all of my arrogance, i know that there are many women that look at me and feel the same way about deen. "he ended up with her?" damn right he did! as i walked through the farmer's market looking for deen and caleb, i thought back on marinotti. what if i'd had worked up the nerve to talk to him sooner? what if i'd made an attempt to stay in touch with him while he was in the military? those were good times a gpc. but times are different now. for all of the couldas, shouldas, and wouldas, i wouldn't change my situation for anything.

i finally found deen bouncing through an aisle as the baby sat up on his shoulders laughing at his silly father. "did you find what you were looking for?" deen asked. i hugged him, smiled, and said "i sure did."

living in a white neighborhood

in my last post i talked a little about the behemoth playground that i took my son to the other day. i took him back today and since he had a nap he was much better behaved. as i turned into the playground i realized that i had to tinkle so i decided to just hold it until i got home. but as walked to the toddler section, i actually saw a RESTROOM. that's right. and i'm not talking about a port-a-potty, i'm talking about an actual brick building. the restroom had a unisex bathroom, a men's bathroom and a women's bathroom. and get this- the bathroom was CLEAN. and it was fully stocked with TOILET TISSUE. none of the tissue was even on the ground. and they had automatic hand driers. GTFOH!!! i don't want to sound and act like i was raised in a cave (although some parts of college park, georgia could be compared to a cave) but when was the last time you saw a huge playground that had its own well maintained brick restroom, with working faucets, a water fountain that works, and a park ranger on duty? this free park had better amenities than half of the apartments i've lived in. there was even an area to skateboard and i didn't go all the way into the park, but i'm sure there's even a neighborhood pool. and needless to say there was no litter on the ground because they had TWO trash cans that appeared to be emptied on a regular basis. this got me to thinking about the what its like living in a white neighborhood. my observations:

* don't even THINK about looking for a jamaican restaurant
* not a wing shack in sight (sigh)
* the police are friendly and wave to you (unless you drive a hoopty, that's when they tail you until you leave or until your tag comes up dirty)
* the gas stations actually have gas and you don't have some dude trying to pump your gas for you despite you telling him no 12 times
* there are no good chinese restaurants. sure there are some chinese restaurants, but no good and greasy ones. i mean the stuff that's so greasy that it slides around on your little white plastic fork. did you know that panda express doesn't even do shrimp friend rice? WTF!
* beauty supply stores (except for sally's) run by asians that are nice and mean as hell at the same time are no where to be found so getting loc butter can be a mission
* people don't barbecue until 4 o'clock in the morning
* the automatic car washes at the gas stations work
* hardly any junk cars because they WILL tow those damned things
* grocery stores have fresh produce and they have a really cool ethnic sections for spices and whatnot
* the grocery stores sell sushi
* you don't have to worry about the police driving through your apartment complex all times of day or night
* there are no soul food restaurants, and if you do find one, the food is so bad its not worth mentioning
*the mcdonald's always puts too little salt on your fries, but the soda always has the right amount of syrup
* no need to be embarrassed by truly ghetto people because they don't live here. HA!!!
* people wave to you for no reason at all
* no ice cream man
* no one walks up to you and asks you if you know who sells weed just because your hair is in locs
* no tacky signs offering to buy foreclosed homes or advertising dna tests on every corner
* there are people that stand on the corner and sell the sunday newspaper so you don't even have to run to the store
* its okay to go to a grocery store and not look your best because the people there aren't trying to date or impress anyone, they just want to buy food and go home
* buses don't run through the neighborhoods, only the main roads (a gift and a curse)
* if your political ideas are a tad radical you can't just start talking to the guy next to you about issues because he's more than likely a tad more conservative than you are
* neighbors and people driving by aren't playing music at all times of day and night
* people don't just hang on the corner until 4 am
* you get tired of running to mcdonald's, taco bell, wendy's or burger king because that's the only thing open at midnight
* i have yet to hear about thefts, violence and break ins at my apartment complex (fingers crossed)
* they hire police officers to direct traffic after church rather than just letting traffic be a mess
* no pan handlers or crackheads to step over as you exit your car
* creepy looking people stand out, rather than blending in
* when i go to the grocery store i don't see one woman with 7 kids yelling at them telling them to put stuff back (instead its a middle aged woman begging her child, timmy, to behave instead of beating his deserving ass)
* no kids on the corner begging for money for football and/or basketball (its sad that its necessary to beg for that money in black neighborhoods)
* if you're a vegetarian there are plenty of restaurants to pick from and the grocery store is very accommodating
* i saw sidewalks on BOTH sides of the street and its even a ways back from the road so you don't have to worry about cars side swiping you if you're on it
* bike trails
* the farmer's market isn't a 2 hour trip away
* they keep their grass maintained
* a play land for kids just opened up the street and i'm actually seeing families go in and come out of there, not just bored teenagers
* no liquor stores, pawn shops, and tattoo parlors on every corner


i also want to add that i live in a predominately black apartment complex, but he area surrounding it is majority white. my complex is surprisingly quiet, not that i'm complaining. we black folks need to get it together so ALL of our neighborhoods are clean, safe and organized.

the best kind of repetition

today i took my son to the playground up the street for the first time since we've lived over here. i'm going to take this time to say that white people have been holding out- this playground had 5 different play areas and even one for small toddlers my son's age. i never saw any nice playgrounds like that when i lived in college park or decatur. to add to the beauty of this mecca of a playground, i saw soccer moms and dads standing by gleefully by as their little cherubs bounced around the playground. and my little negro son showed his ass. in his defense, i knew it was past his naptime, but when we first moved over here it was too cold to go to the playground and its been cold and rainy most days this spring so i wanted to check out this playground since it was finally warm today.

my son happily climbed the playground for the toddlers. he's so big (he's 18-months-old but he's as big as many 2 and 3-year-olds) so i'm always chasing him when he's near kids his own age to make sure he doesn't knock them down. my son can be a bit of a bully when he tries. as a matter of fact the boy headbutted me in the face and as a result of it i've got a huge red knot on my lip. the boy actually chris browns me on the regular.

my son refused to stay in the section for kids his age and i got tired of chasing him down and apologzing to the other parents and their kids for the kids he kept running down. i wanted so badly to reach out and talk to the other parents but everytime i started a conversation with the other moms i had to chase after my child. i left dejected and embarrassed after about 10 minutes.

i called a homegirl and let out my frustrations to her. is it that i haven't worked hard enough to socialize him? will he learn to get along more with kids as he grows older or is there something i'm not doing? and finally, it would all be good if he could just communicate with me. as much as i love my child, i get so irritated feeling that he either doesn't understand what i'm saying or he just doesn't give a damned. is it me? is it him? is this normal? my son is a very happy child and ever since he was a newborn, he's never met a person he didn't like. i love and admire how he's so outgoing and social, but why the hell can't he snap back into the moment when i need him to? my friend said something to me that caught me offgaurd. she said to me- "malika, he's a free spirit. he's just being him. its okay to get him socialized, but he's just one of those kids that's hard to keep down."

wow. i haven't heard the words "free spirit" since middle school. i remember being dubbed a "free spirit" while i was in elementary school. my friend's words reminded me that my son is simply a little me. and i remember how it affected my mother. she always seemed embarassed by me. she, in conjunction with my teachers, always wanted to nail me down and give me more focus. i used to daydream a lot in class and it really didn't stop until middle school. mom didn't really like taking me out. she was proud of my writing ability, but other than that i always felt like she thought i could have and should have been someone or something else. but all i could be was me. people loved me. i've always had the ability to make people laugh and not to toot my own horn, but even as a kid i was able to hold stimulating conversations with adults. i know she loved me. i just don't think she liked what i was. i was a "free spirit." i still wrangle with being a "free spirit" today. i'm graduating from college soon and honestly after 10 years of higher education, i still have no idea what i want to do or be in life. but i like being me. i never really knew how much i've positively affected so many people until i realized that i often walk into clubs, bars, and stores in this city and constantly seeing people i know. sometimes i think to myself that perhaps my sisters will realize what a good person i am when i'm at my funeral and they see how many people came to love me throughout my travels. i guess being a "free spirit" isn't such a bad thing when you can be the sunshine to brighten someone's day. my son is a "free spirit." and that's why i love him as much as i do.

please acknowledge your "situation" before you drag other people in

i posted a blog a while ago about people that are in relationships, but not really. i guess this post could kind of fall into that also. anyway, a homegirl of mine (whom i'll call chauncey) was good friends with our homeboy (whom i'll call terrence). terrence had been trying to get at chauncey for years and she never really let him in because she didn't want to ruin their friendship. terrence had a "situation" with his chick at home, but he pretty much doesn't realize how deep into it he really is. he constantly complained to chauncey about how he doesn't want to to with the chick, he's only living with her because he likes her kids and while he can afford to live alone, he prefers to not have to struugle as much financially while living with her. bullshit, i know. moving on, oneday after an extended sexual drought, chauncey called terrence and told him to roll through. no need for me to elaborate on what happened next.

a couple weeks after the fact, they had barely talked and while trying to play it cool, she was really starting to feel played by him. she knew he had a chick at home and chauncey wasn't trying to marry the dude, they simply had an adult encounter and were only supposed to remain friends afterwards. he eventually manned up and called her and apologized, saying that he still wants to leave his chick, wants to live alone, only there for the kids (even though they have a father that is active in their lives) etc. chauncey is a good one because she's still just trying to focus on the friendship. personally, i would just let old boy slip to the side, but chauncey is far more practical and less emotional than i am.

she later learns that the chick that he's supposedly living with and not sexing at home anymore (so he says) refers to terrence as her "boyfriend" when asked his about his relation to her. chauncey also learned that after terrence took her home from a party when she got sick, his girlfriend sat outside of chauncey's home fuming (either the girlfriend saw it or she heard about it when she showed up late to the party that was across the street from chauncey's).

like i said, i give chauncey props because i would have been beyond pissed at old boy. its not so much that he had a situation at home, its the fact that he misrepresented it. terrence should just face it, he has a GIRLFRIEND. i mean seriously, look at the signs. live together? check! he look after her kids and help raise and pay their expenses? check! spending all holidays and birthdays together? check! is he having to lie (or embellish) to her about his relationship with other women so she doesn't get pissed off? check! and there folks, you have a RELATIONSHIP. its not a bad thing. hell its a great thing. so why get with another woman (his friend of many years no less) and misrepresent what he's got going at home? either he intentionally led chauncey (and who knows how many other women) to believe that he's really a single guy and living there as a roommate, or he is in denial about how deep in he is with this chick. to give him credit, he's a good guy and very family oriented. he was the man of his house growing up and he helped to raise his younger brothers. he was even like a big brother to me and he taught me a lot about relationships. i just don't understand how a man cannot fully see that he's got a girlfriend. why even try to get with someone else? frankly i had to stop trying to date other men because even though i'm free to date and i merely have a "situation," my priorities and my heart are at home and i can't fully give myself to another man. i wish terrence would think about where his heart is before he seriously breaks someone's heart or potentially ruins another friendship.

People That I Wish Would Kill Themselves

I'm a regular on a gossip blog called rhymeswithsnitch.com. On one the the posts, one of the fellow bloggers suggested that we all name someone that we want to just take themself out. Below is what i posted.

i'd like to see cam'ron take himself out (seriously). i want bernie madoff to suffer so i'd like him to spend the rest of his life in jail but i doubt that will happen. but i'd like his wife to kill herself for actually trying to keep those folks money. sarah palin. george bush (both of them). dick cheney. hold on, this list could get long...

...and then there's that teacher that lied on me in high school which landed me the one and only time i ever got in school suspension...

...any cop that ever wrote me a ticket or two for bullshit and then told me that i should be thankful for him not writing me more tickets...

...and that cop that stopped me for no headlight when i was 7 months pregnant and wouldn't let me go to a gas station so i could pee. he had me waiting for a long time to write a damned ticket. i REALLy want that bastard to kill himself...

...that cheap fat alcoholic pill-popping skanky whore that my exboyfriend knocked up...

...that ugly bitch i used to call my best friend that was lying on me and telling every one that i was a slut and that i was a slacker, despite me being in school full time and working two or three jobs at a time. jealous illiterate bitch...

...that broke bastard that was sleeping on my damned couch but had the NERVE to complain that i didn't keep my house as clean as he wanted to see it, although he didn't clean anything himself...

...that old wrinkled non-penis-getting walking disease of a crack whore that i worked for that fired me illegally while i was on maternity leave and then had the nerve to lie on me so i couldn't get unemployment while i had a newborn to take care of...

...any grown woman walking around in velour jumpsuits with words written on their butts. cheap flea market looking mess...

...any woman with decent money that walks around in cheap looking wigs. and this includes YOU whitney houston...

...folks that are famous for having friends and relatives more famous, rich, talented, and relavent than themselves. note to ray j: SLIT. YOUR. WRIST!...

...grown people that want to blame the world and "the man" for the reason they can't go to college and work hard like the rest of us so they rob, rape and pillage our own communities. die, Die, DIE!!!...

...that dude that broke into my house (we knew who it was) had the gall to show up on my doorstep and say "i heard you think i broke into your house" and then had his ignorant ass walking down the street in MY damned clothes...

...that selfish chick, octomom. kids aren't puppies, they're living breathing human beings and you shouldn't bring them into the world knowing your ass is living off your damned parents and welfare. i also want dr. phil to kill himself for getting this crazy cunt a new house and getting it furnished for her. crazy ass had the nerve to not help her mom pay bills but paid for plastic surgery to look like angelina jolie while the house looks a damned mess. give me a minute alone with her to undo that plastic surgery...

...that bucktooth, four-eyed, horse-faced pimply bitch with the bad perm that was pissed because she was nothing more than a booty call for my son's father back in the day. yeah bitch, he's STILL paying my bills. lonely broke heffa...

...all of those negative people that told me that i couldn't, shouldn't and wouldn't get a college degree. jealous crab in a barrel mofos...

...all of those people that took four college classes 6 years ago and act like that makes them a freaking genuis. i get so sick of folks saying "when i took that biology class 8 years ago, i was the smartest person in there." like that matters now. that's about as pathetic as old men that focus on their glory days of running track in high school. why don't you just brag about some other irrelevant things like your s.a.t. scores?...

...men that drop off diapers once or twice a year and show up at a few birthday parties, and suddenly want to act like they're father of the year...

...men that will lay with a woman either for a time or for a night, and then since they don't want the responsibility of a child they will shout "that ain't my baby!" and the trife new girlfriends that let them believe that shit and walk away from their kid(s). both them niggas need to hang themselves- old dude and his insecure new chick...

......any woman that will put some shiftless broke dude OR some rich cat that's paying bills, over raising her own kids. no penis is worth losing a relationship with your kids. new penis will get up and leave you before your own children will...

...anyone that thinks cam'ron is intelligent, interesting, funny or talented...

...co-workers that tried to lie on me and blame me when their stuff started to stink. i may not brown nose the way they did, but i kept my job just the same...

...ok, ALL effed up coworkers that try to blame other folks for their failures in the workplace...

...all of those goddamn shrinks, doctors, and nazis that changed up the rules so that anybody that tries to discipline their kids in public catches a damned case. you can't even spank your kids for acting up, but you're expected to teach them to be angels. whatever, i'll STILL lay hands to my son when i need to...

...folks that think the world is their child's playground so they let their kids show out in public and expect other folks to put up with it. for those that don't know- movie theaters, shopping malls, and nice restaurants aren't the same as the goddamned chuckie cheese...

...people that get off on breaking other folks' hearts just because they're insecure and need validation of how "great" they are...

...folks that think that just because they're rich and/or famous they can treat other folks that aren't rich and/or famous like dirt. saying "do you know who i am?!" only proves what a doucebag you really are. everyone deserves respect, no matter how special you like to think you are...

...folks that gladly allowed bush 8 long years to eff the country up, but in less than 100 days, they've been up obama's butt saying what a screw up he is...

...every exboyfriend i've had that treated me like dirt while we were together but then had the nerve to call me later telling me that i was the perfect woman and they'll never find another woman like me. i tried to tell your trifling asses that while we were dating...

...crooked ass cops that think they have a right to harass, injure, and kill folks because they're on a fucked up power trip...

...and that concludes my list of people i want to kill themselves.

*did i leave out anyone?*

the emotional investment

well, as most of my faithful readers know, my son's father and i have been through a lot for the last 2 and a half years. its strange, but despite it all (him messing around, and the whole bit) we're actually common law married. wow. i feel married to him. i don't know how or why, but i do. i have a friend that lives with her child's father in a situation similar to me and mine. she and i hung out yesterday and as we often do, we compared notes about our "baby daddies." she's ready to head out from her situation and move out with her child(even though she loves him with all of her heart). me ready to move out and on? not so much.

at times i say to myself that i can't wait to get away from my dude, just me and our child and move on with my life. but then reality kicks in. he's in school. he's a hard worker. he's a great cook. he's a fantastic father. because of him, i know what love is and how it really feels. he's taught me what unconditional love is. and despite what he'd say, i know that i've taught him about responsibility to his family and i've helped him to become a great father. so why the hell should i walk away from this? in a few years this man is going to get out of school and make a fairly good amount of money. and being that this is my last semester of school, i'll (hopefully) be making a decent amount of money myself. so imagine if we combine forces? i know that sounds kind of gold diggerish, but i've loved him since our first kiss on our first date and at the time i didn't know a damned thing about his future earning potential. i even remember how the first time we slept together, it was the first time in forever that i'd felt that someone was making love to me, not just fucking. his future income potential didn't come out until later to me and between that and us having a child together, i don't see why we shouldn't stick with eachother for the greater good.

i often drive through nice neighborhoods and think to myself, i want THAT house. i want my crib with the pool table and exercise equipment in the basement. dude is going to be an engineer (that's what he's in school for) and with decent income he can afford to give me and future children the kind of life i'd like for us. i want more children, and frankly i want them with him. but i know how much his life was derailed when i got pregnant and i'd hate to get pregnant again, knowing that his personal and professional goals would only get pushed back that much more. i want my son to have a relationship with his (future) siblings that i wish i'd had with mine. i want my children to play little league, and play instruments, and go to summer camp and all of that costs money. i want to go on family vacations with the man i'll share my life with. and i don't want my kids to have different daddies. i want one daddy for them. i don't really think that my son's father wants kids with different women either, and he wants more children also (just further in the future than i want).

my big fear is really that he and i would separate and some skeezer would move in on him and get the nice house and the children and the life with him that i've really earned. its probably an immature way to look at it, but frankly, i've put in WORK. before getting with him, i was with my ex for 10 years and i drove him around to and from work and school and i took A LOT of shit off of him. and in the end he allowed his skanky baby mom to step in and tell a bunch of lies on me and the low life bum that i hauled ass for 10 years for, wasn't even man enough to have a civil conversation with me to end things. that sorry bastard would only text me. 10 years of loving him more than i loved myself and all i got was text messages in return. i'm not planning to once again lose the man i've put so much in to, to some outside chick with a decent smile and a big ass.

re-entering the dating game scares me. i know that there are men that are far better than my son's father. but frankly there are more men that are far worse. i guess its safe to say that i love my son's father (although i'm not IN love with him), warts and all. a friend of mine met him recently and she commented that despite him being handsome and mannerable, she could tell that his good guy image is really just a fascade. and she's right. i love his public persona and i love the asshole that's underneath what the world sees. i don't want some woman that hasn't dealt with what i've dealt with to think that she's got a right to the life with him that i feel i'm entitled to. i know it's childish, but after the emotional investment that i put into my ex, i can't dare put that into someone else only to be left high and dry again. the funny thing is that on other days i say i can't wait to move out and leave this asshole by himself with all of his chicks. most of the chicks he's dealt with would have left him a long time ago if they'd dealt with half the shit i've seen. is it low self esteem? hardly. I LOVE MYSELF. i don't want to grow old alone. is that a crime? i think if i do end up alone or with another man, i want to be the one that makes that call and not him. i guess that could be called unfair, but so what. i've invested lot into this man, our relationship, our child and our family, and right now intend to stick around for my return.

My Open Letter to Tevin Campbell

Dear Tevin,

I almost believed that practical joke you set up. I wondered why the police would be knocking at my door, but once I saw that "restraining order" you'd sent, all I could say is, "Tevin is so silly. He must really like jokes. I wonder how much he paid some pretend lawyer and off-duty uniformed police officer to come to my door and order me to stay at least 1000 feet from him and to quit sending him letters with my toe hairs taped to them." That pretend restraining order also said something about no longer needing to send you dead skin from my hands. Boy Tevin, I almost believed you. But then it occured to me that you've got a silly sense of humor so that restraining order was just a joke for me to laugh hysterically at and then ignore. So anyway, how are things? Good I hope. I read in a few gossip mags that you were actually gay *GASP* but then I knew they were just jealous because you're so talented (we all know you're going to make a HUGE comeback sometime soon) so I feel totally justified for throwing acid on that chick's face. She'll think again the next time she wants to write in her column that you're a "flaming homosexual." Did you get the pie that I sent to you? I hope so. When my cat died (Tevin Campbell the Cat IV) I was so crushed that I couldn't bring myself to bury her so she was in my freezer. I figured that you'd love that pie even more once I put the shavings from my dead frozen cat in it. I hope you tour soon. I sleep with you every night. Not literally you of course, but naming my vibrator Tevin Campbell sure makes my nights that much better. I even drew a picture of you on it. I couldn't decide which hairstyle to put on it so I just drew in the processed texturized afro that you had in the "Always in My Heart" video. I even periodically spray activator on the dildo just to keep your drawn on Duke kit afro looking lustrious (it burns like hell when in use but as long as my Tevin Campbell dildo looks good, I'm happy!) Hey Tevin, I read that you're now in the play Rent on Broadway. How awesome is that! I plan to come see you there soon, I just have to see if I can get my therapist to tell my probation officer to okay me going across state lines. Boy Tevin, you love this cat and mouse game don't you? You're so silly. I know this is just a test for you to see if I'm willing to work to gain your affections. Trust me Tevin, I'll do WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR US TO BE TOGETHER. Speaking of my therapist, he seems to think that I have an "unhealthy" interest in you. I can't figure out why he'd think that. I named all 14 of my cats after you. How is that unhealthy? Don't you worry though. I promised myself that if he says anything else bad about you I'm going to set him on fire. I'm just kidding of course (no I'm not- I already put the lighter fluid and matches in my car for the next time we meet tomorrow). Anyway Tevin, I guess I'll wrap up my letter now. One of the Tevin Campbell cats is rubbing up against my leg to signal that it wants to go out. I also have to start cooking dinner for the cats. They get kind of antsy if I don't have their dinner cooked by 4 p.m. Oh before I go Tevin, I meant to tell you that I had that cute dream about us being married and having a child. And do you know what I'd name that child, dear Tevin? Her name would be Tasmine Elan Vivian Ingrid Naomi Campbell. The initials of her first and middle names are the initials of your first name and then she's got your last name. How sweet is that?! I'm going to run the name by my therapist to see what he thinks. He'd BETTER say he likes it.

Smootchies Tevin,

Malika Campbell

p.s. Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you that I changed my last name to Campbell so that once we get married, I won't have to deal with the paperwork of changing it then! You know we're getting married RIGHT?

chris brown, i'm in your corner

i'm gonna sound really anti-women here, but this thing with chris brown has me really feeling bad for the guy. he and rihanna got into it a couple of days ago, she got a little bruising (and for the record, so did he) and the police got called. so now chris brown looks like senor douchebag, while rihanna looks like the poor little victim. for the record, i don't think they got into a fight, nor do i think he punched her or anything. i think that words were exchanged and she knew exactly what to say or do to make him lose his cool. i'm not going to speculate on who hit who first, because either way its not cool. but here's how i think it happened:
1) they were in the car when they started arguing
2) some how or another, they started shoving and yelling (not punching though)
3) he realizes that people are around and it looks bad for him so he leaves the scene
4) people in the vicinity see her looking red and bruised (she is light as hell) so they call the police
5) she talks to the police because she's mad as hell and she's like "hell yeah he did it! go get him! i'll testify!"
6) the next day she realized that they were BOTH at fault and that pressing charges would be more trouble than it was worth
now if you look at the situation like that (and according to reports, that's exactly how it happened) chris isn't a bad guy, they are just two people that lost their cool. but i really hate that in these kinds of situations, the men are depicted as abusive dicks, when many times that isn't the case. i guess i can speak from experience because i've not only witnessed it, i've done it. my older sister is a sick motherfucker that gets her shits and giggles by making people lose their cool. that's part of the reason she and i don't speak and i've made the decision to cut her out of my life. i've seen her pick and pull and call people everything she could think of. she thinks its cute. all of the dudes that eventually left her crazy ass alone agree that she's a one way ticket to jail. at least she's woman enough to admit that she starts the fights, but in the eyes of the public she'd still look like the victim. she once hit her ex in the face and separated his jaw. now if he lost his mind and slapped her ass, is he really in the wrong? me thinks not.
now for my own confession. deen and i have had physical altercations. i try to be pretty cool and walk away, but deen has a way of saying the ONE THING that can make me cut loose and wail on his ass. we've both walked away bloody at times. most of the times, i've hit him first. its not something i'm proud of. nor is he. many of my homegirls say "leave him!" but i know that he doesn't come home and hit me or anything like that. many disagreements are held amicably, while others escalate.
i agree that any man that beats his woman because he thinks he has the right to do so should have his balls removed. but in those cases, not all women are victims and not ALL men are villains.

revenge is sweet a.k.a. if i won the lottery

those of you that know me find that i'm sweet and easy going. those of you that know me WELL will say that i'm vengeful as hell. frankly, both sets of people would be right. i've taken some real hits in my life doing stuff for other people. i'm the chick that would wake up at 4 a.m. to go get a stranded friend off the side of the road. i'm the girl that would give the last $20 in my pocket to a friend that needed groceries for herself and her kids. i'm the friend that someone can call when she gets pregnant and she doesn't know what to do. i'm the friend that will remind you that you're beautiful, no matter what your bitter ass ex says.

with all of that said, i should state that i am probably one of the most vengeful women i know. i am willing to spend the rest of my life waiting to do harm to someone that has done wrong to me. some people see others acting in a vengeful way and they think its foolish. i see people acting in a vengeful way and all i can think is "that person probably had that bag full of dog poo coming." one of the reasons that i grew to become as vengeful as i am is because over and over again, people have taken my kindness for weakness. while i was pregnant, a former friend of mine fell on hard times and he needed somewhere to stay so i let him sleep on my couch. at the time i had a few extra dollars, so when my friend asked to borrow $200 to put down a deposit on an apartment, i gave it to him. so imagine my surprise when about 4 months later when i was pregnant and broke to the point that i was unable to afford food, when i asked dude about the $200, he gave me his ass to kiss. when he was broke and on my couch and eating my food, i was his best friend. once i was at my lowest, dude acted like i didn't even matter. what made me REALLY hate that cat was that he had the gall to tell my homegirl that he had the bread to pay me back, he simply didn't "feel like it." he paid back $100, but i had to stalk him for that. i even suggested that he give me $20 each time he got paid on every friday, but he wouldn't even do that so i could buy some vegetables. i was pregnant and diabetic and that sonuvabitch didn't even care about the life of my unborn child enough to help pay me back so that i could buy groceries. to be fair, another time i lent some money to another friend of mine and money for him never picked back up, so i forgot about the money. i know that he needed it badly at the time and when i was pregnant if he had the money to give to me, he would have done it quickly. for him, i consider the loan forgotten. i have since decided that i'm not going to lend out any more money. but how do i feel about the fat fucker that refused to pay me money that he easily could have? i am not lying when i tell you that if i heard he was stabbed in the streets tomorrow, i would laugh haughtily at the universe giving him exactly what he deserved. yeah, that's how i do.

recently i saw one of the deepest and most thoughtful forms of revenge i may have ever seen. its the clip of fiddy cent taking rick ross' baby mama out and getting her to talk shit about her baby daddy, rapper, rick ross.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHPUN0YeuuY

now this is in-freaking-genius. i'm not even a fiddy cent fan, but dammit, this man is not to be screwed with. it started when rick ross started talking bad about the drama that fiddy was having with his baby mama. so to show rick that he meant business, fiddy went straight to the horse's mouth- rick ross' baby mama. she actually sat down and (on tape!) admitted that the jewelry rick ross wears is rented and the cars he rolls in are leased. so to show how big he's rolling, fiddy took rick's babymama shopping for pure bullshit. what's a chick that lives in florida going to do with a fur coat? yet fiddy had the cash to drop while rick is only renting the finer thing in life. now for those that don't understand in terms of loyalty, baby mamas/daddies are right up under wives/husbands. what fiddy did is wrong. purely wrong. but dammit, that man is GOOD. did you notice that she was drinking vitamin water, the drink that helped make fiddy rich beyond belief? CLASSIC.

fiddy's form of vengeance reminds me a lot of what i plan to do if i ever hit the lotto. now i should say first that my plan is for all of my friends that have children, give them some cash and then set up some trust funds for the youngins. i'd also buy deen's aunt a house (actually, i'd have one built for her). i would also take my loved ones on an all expense paid carnival cruise. i'd rent the whole boat out. but there would be another crew of people i'd take. i'd take the closest family members and friends of all my enemies i could find. i'd pay for absolutely EVERYTHING. entertainment, food, alcohol, strippers, drugs, that cruise ship would be a floating sodom and gomorrah. yeah, we'd probably all go straight to hell, but a week of being on that cruise ship would be well worth eternal damnation. and the best part of it would be that i'd be staring in the eyes of my enemies' mama and 'nem the whole time. i even asked myself, about the possiblity of the family members not being able to afford to take a week off of work for the sin cruise. i'd simply pay them double whatever they would have made at work that week. so basically i'd be paying them to come on vacation with me and have a ball. and the only thing i'd ask of them is that they take plenty of pictures with me while we laugh and have a good time. and for the rest of my enemies' lives i'd periodically mail them pictures of me laughing it up in the middle of the pacific ocean, surrounded by sin, having a ball with the people they love the most. i would even hire a personal assistant to make sure that i am implanting myself in the lives of my enemies when i'm not even thinking about it. and just be sure that i'm implanted in their lives, i'd mail checks and pay bills for that family member. can you imagine your mother suddenly loving the person you hate the most because they went on vacation and they paid off your mom's house? and you can tell yourself that your mother wouldn't go on vacation with your nemesis, but let's be real. of course she'd go. her thought would be that she's had a long hard life and if someone wants to treat her nice, she'd let them. but in case i couldn't crack their mother, i'd go after brothers, sisters, fathers, anyone that should be loyal. people that they'll most likely have to stare at for every christmas and thanksgiving until they're dead. yep, i plan to make my mark.

and that is why the universe will never be kind enough to let me win the lottery.

14 kids under 8-years-old: this bitch should have her uterus RIPPED OUT

i'm a bit of a news buff and most things don't make me stop and discuss them (unless its about me being sick of barack obama) but this crap is just WRONG. for those of you that don't know what i'm talking about, i'm talking about the case of nadya suleman, a woman that is unmarried and unable to have children on her own so she got invitro fertilization to get pregnant 5 times. her children are ages 7,6,5,3, 2-year-old twins and this bitch just had octuplets. yeah, 8 more kids. most of the women i know with children are unmarried, so i'm not concerned about it from that standpoint aside from the fact that at least a husband in the picture would help to feed, clothe, house, discipline, and educate all 14 kids. nadya was living with her parents who helped her to take care of the first 6 children. one of the children was also autistic. and mama is now fed up and told her she's on the own with all 14 kids. her mother said that the chick is obsessed with having children and that her shrink told her to put nadya out on her own to encourage her to stop having children, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

WHAT.

THE.

HELL?!

just this morning my son woke me in a fit of fussiness and followed me into the kitchen where i tried to get him something to eat. the boy threw the food down and continued to cry. i was so frustrated. he lifted his little arms in the air for me to lift him and i realized that he just wanted to be cuddled. so i gladly held him for a few minutes to calm him down. he actually went back to sleep in my arms. imagine having to give that much attention to 14 babies. so far my son's biggest accomplishment is his ability to climb out of his playpen (i'm not too happy about that, but that's a different blog entirely) but i'm already thinking about private school. deen has mentioned that we don't have the money for it, but i'm already thinking about scholarships and whatnot to ensure that my baby has the best education possible. for the friends that have children, we often talk about wanting more but we realize that its a lot easier to give one child the life we want for them (tutors, summer camps, playing instruments, little league sports, dance lessons, etc.) but if you can barely afford to feed 14 children, how the hell are you going to take care to make sure that their quality of life is as good as it can be?

i just talked to my gay male best friend about the issue and he pretty much feels that its done so whatever. and i told him that its easy to say "its not a big deal so just move on," when you don't have children. but when you have one (or more), you see how much responsibility just a few of them are, you know that what she did was downright SELFISH. its bad enough when chickenheads are laying on their backs and popping out baby after baby with no care for themselves or the children their having a decent father figure around, but this chick's GOAL was to have more babies (as opposed to a child being an afterthought to screwing some random dude). didn't she think that with one autistic child, there's a STRONG chance of even more autistic children? and who's supposed to pay the medical bills for all of these kids? the state. how is she going to feed all of these children? the state. its hard as hell to work when you have a few kids, so you know day care for 8 of them is going to be murder. so what is she more than likely going to do? sit on her ass and let the STATE pay her to stay home and take care of the kids. i'm not opposed to welfare taking care of kids when its needed, but i am opposed to the state taking care of this chick's kids when she went out of her way to have them when she knew ahead of time that someone else was already taking care of the ones she had.

and now to add insult to injury this chick is supposed to be interviewed by oprah and diane sawyer and i'm hearing her asking price is between $2m and $3m. so now this chick wants people to PAY to hear her trifling story?

BITCHPLEASE!!!

we all have "situations"

i was on my homegirl's radio show the other day when i made a comment that peaked the curiosity of a guy that was on the line as well. the guy asked me if i had a man and i replied with "i've got a *situation*but i'm not in a relationship." to my surprise he stated that everyone is in a "situation "at this point. once i thought about it, i realized how right he is. between people not being married but having children, and cohabitating to save money, the economy just being bad, so people keep living with significant others that they don't want to be with, just because they can't afford to live alone right now. many of us have "situations."

at this age (i'm 28) most people that don't live with their other should not have a "situation." if a guy has a chick and he loves her and she thinks he's being faithful when he's fucking whoever he can, that's not a "situation" that's him just fucking around. but when a man is living with a woman, they don't have sex, they have children that he loves and the woman has said to him "i don't care if you mess around" (true story of a friend of mine) he has a "situation." he loves his kids and couldn't stand to be a part from them, but he's got needs too. frankly i think the chick is getting her rocks off elsewhere, but he's so sexually frustrated and pissed off after years of her being like this, he doesn't even care what his baby's mama does when she's out of the house. dude is just looking for a girl that can break him off in the meantime and can deal with his "situation."

"situations" are tricky. when you've got a "situation" you can't just be dealing with anyone. "situations" normally require that the outside party be understanding and not trying to get the person they're kicking it with to marry them. most of us with "situations" understand that when you meet somebody new that you like, the first thing to do is to tell the new person. nobody likes surprises. and when you're in a "situation" its important that you reiterate occasionally, "i'm not happy with my 'situation' but for the moment, its the best thing going for all parties involved." a lot of guys with "situations" find that its best to just hook up with random chicks at the club. that way there's no real conversation or expectancies. they do their thing one time and go home to forget about on another.

classic case of the outsider of a "situation" gone wrong? getting text messages and phonecalls from some bitch deen was fucking with, telling me that she's preggers. sweet jesus. now, in his defense, deen tried to explain to old girl early on that he had a "situation" and that relationship-wise, he was off the market until baby and i move out and until he gets his finances in order and finishes school. but i know how deen does (not to mention the fact that he's good looking and mannerable so women are always checking for him) so i wouldn't be surprised if what she heard was "if i expedite the process of his baby mama moving out, he'll be MINE." deen told me that the chick told him (in the beginning) that she'd had a botched abortion back in the day so she couldn't have any kids. ouch. when i talked to her on the phone it was quite obvious that her mental state was in shambles (she was literally rambling about how the whole thing was between she and he and was none of my business- she didn't answer any questions or even talk directly to me, she just kept repeating that the whole thing was between he and she). needless to say, i hit the fucking roof. whatever you do in the streets, it should never make it home to your "situation." i'm sure that not all women that are unable to have children have the mental issues that this chick did (and for the record, she wasn't preggers afterall) but he broke off things with her when he felt it was getting too close to home. but his dumb ass kept going back. *sigh* and that's how i ended up with yet ANOTHER one of his crazy bitches causing me to want to bash his damned skull in.

i've also got another homegirl with a "situation." she's got kids and a husband and lives with her extended family. the kids, husband and she share a bedroom. she got chlymidia from her husband. it happened nearly a year ago, but she's not sure if she's going to stay with the guy. so everytime she meets a new guy, she has to explain her "situation." or there's my homeboy whose been screwing off and on with his best friend since high school. he says that he could never marry her because they're too much alike but when dude tried to get with my homegirl, he constantly brought up his best friend and seemed to enjoy making my homegirl feel uncomfortable with their "friendly" relationship. why the hell didn't he just admit to having a "situation" so that my homegirl knew exactly what she was getting into earlier? the thing about "situations" is that if you're honest and as a person, if you're worth it, you can still date, "situation" or not. my homeboy is a great guy and my friend still would have dated him casually, but at least she would have known not to try to get too close because of his "situation."

personally, i don't really seek out dating because of my "situation." i live with my son's father and although we have separate bedrooms, we do still occasionally get it on and, its hard for me to tear myself away from the couch with him when we're home having our family moments. as long as we live together, honestly it would be hard for me to give proper attention to any man that isn't my son or his father. don't get me wrong, though. for the right man, my "situation" isn't going to stop the show. personally, i like guys with "situations" also. if a guy is single and childless or if he's single and the child doesn't live with him, he doesn't understand the complications of leaving the house when there's issues with the other or issues with "who's gonna watch the baby?" a guy who's got his own "situation" isn't going to press me to move in with him or try to get me away from deen. if he's got a "situation" too, he'll understand that sometimes all we can do is talk on the phone and/or lay with each other on occasion before we get back to our lives. i guess that's what a situation really is- the life that you want, versus the life that you have.

i miss not being a mommy

i love my son. i honestly do. i would lay down my life for him in an instant if i had to. but this evening when i went into starbucks to pick up the long-missed white chocolate mocha, i noticed the slightly warm air. the people sitting out on the patio laughing- that used to be me. about 3 or 4 years ago pre-baby and pre-deen, i used to be a regular at the magic johnson starbucks on cascade road in atlanta. i went there to study. i was especially partial to the area because that was one of the areas in atlanta where many of the wealthy black elite lived. i used to bask in their glow and see many of the political bigwigs meeting to discuss real estate deals and whatnot. i saw mayor shirley franklin walk in there one day. i met one of my best friends, leo, while hanging out there. there was a crew of older men in their 60's through their 80's and they sat in there talking shit and playing the dozens. some of those older cats had marched with many of atlanta's civil rights era royalty- lewis, abernathy, hosea williams, dr. king. that was my second home. i honestly logged about 20 hours a week there, if not more. the second i got out of school, i'd go straight there. i'd stay until they closed. i knew the regulars and staff of that starbucks by name. i rarely even paid for drinks so my caffeine addiction was never even an financial issue. today i went to a strange starbucks, not the one on cascade. something about this night reminded me of what my life used to be. i used to stay at starbucks reading book after book and writing. i can't do starbucks with a 16-month-old child. that boy wouldn't sit still and be quiet if my life depended on it.

not only starbucks do i miss. i miss my favorite pizza joint, fellini's. fellini's closes at 2 a.m. (one of the very few places in atlanta that's open late). i remember laughing with friends eating on the patio until 2:30 when they started pulling in the umbrellas at night. i miss the night life. i miss dancing at mjq concourse until the lights came on. i miss wearing short skirts that showed off my long sexy legs. i refuse to be one of those moms that dresses like a slut while my child is with me (but i have no problem dressing like one while he's gone). i love my baby, but i miss the old me and i miss my freedom. i miss late nights out partying. i miss being able to drive to tennesee or alabama whenever i needed to drive to clear my head. i miss being able to walk through centennial olympic park in the middle of the night when i wanted to get away from the craziness of my existence. i miss meeting men and not having to explain my "situation" about living with my son's father in an open relationship. i miss being able to go shopping for a new outfit whenever there was a party to attend. i haven't gotten my locs professionally twisted in over a year. now my days are spent chasing down my son and planning for his future-private school. i change diapers all day. i make sure he's fed. i can't just up and go to pilates classes if i don't have someone to watch him. i can't even just enjoy walking through the neighborhood with him in a stroller because there are no sidewalks in some parts so the stroller would be a bitch to navigate. my only salvation will be the eliptical exercise machine that i'm about to buy. so i can stay home and exercise while continuing to watch my son.

i love my son and i have no regrets about him being here, but damn. i miss my freedom.

you're gonna hate me but- i'm tired of obama

ok, since dude announced that he was running 2 years ago, there hasn't been a moment that a camera isn't in his damned face. we saw him painting, we saw him on vacation, we saw him stopping to get a chili dog at his fave hang out. yeah, i'm happy too, but DAMN. am i really going to have to shut off all forms of communication to get some damned peace today? i want the positive changes too- i'm about to graduate from college and i really need for the government to free up some money so that me and other college graduates have something to look forward to. as much of a hippy as i am, being a hippy doesn't pay the bills and it sure doesn't come with health insurance. hell, i'd work for the goverment if i had the chance. but i'm home, my t.v. is on the cartoon network of all things and they're talking to KIDS about obama. when is the media going to let up and start focusing on issues again and crawl out of this guy's ass?! frankly, i wish my grandparents would have lived to see this. and if the inauguration would have happened in a warmer month, i would have went on up to dc and met up with friends and family, taken the baby, and whatnot. but the fact is a pipe in my apartment just burst for the second damned time because it froze over so there is no way in hell i'd go up there where it is even colder. do you know how crowded dc is on the regular? i do. its crowded and its dirty. i hate dc. and now over ONE MILLION additional people have descended on that poor over-worked, dingy city. let's just get this over with. i don't give a damned who's performing. i don't give a damned what they sing. i don't give a damned what michelle wears. i don't give a damned what he says during his speech in a little under 2 hours. i give a damned what he does once he's sworn in and starts with the policies. so excuse me if i'm an obama scrooge. but I'M TIRED OF OBAMA. with his fine ass.

is it better to have screwed and lost than to never have screwed at all?

recently i found myself reflecting on some things, relationships and the like. i dunno, perhaps my time with deen has made me think about some things. anyway, i was talking to a coworker of mine recently. anyway, the chick is pretty banging. she just graduated from college with a degree in accounting. she's got a pretty face, an ass-to-waist ratio that most women would KILL for, good head on her shoulders, and a great sense of style. she's only about 22 or 23 and there's no doubt in my mind that this sista is going to go far in life. she and i talk about men and relationships a lot. she's single and she complained about the same crap that many single women (especially black women) complain about. lack of men, lack of quality men. wanting to go far in her profession and not wanting to get sidetracked by some knucklehead.
my sage words of wisdom to her were to "find a man that you're willing to work on things with, and CLING ON TO HIS ASS." intelligent? no. true? YEP. these days, its HARD for sistas to find good men. i love the beautiful men that i'm surrounded by but frankly, i know far more single women than single men and while men know that they have their choice of women, women know that they've got some serious competition for the best men. i have a homeboy with a masters degree who owns his home and he fully understands that in terms of women, he can have his pick of the litter. i told her that my personal fear was to become one of those women that had everything going on in my professional life because my professional life was the only thing i had to cling to. a prime example would be a teacher i had a few years ago. that woman had it going on. she was beautiful, had a sense of humor to rival mine (which is quite a feat), masters degree, her own business, owns her house. what man wouldn't want that woman? guys wanted her, but to find one that matched wits wasn't too easy. she was about 42 at the time. as much as i respected her, i couldn't imagine myself 42 and single and childless. another friend of mine has a god-mother in a similar boat. in her early 40's, beautiful, kind, spiritual, lawyer, her own house. single and childless. don't get me wrong, having a child doesn't make my life more worthwhile than a woman that doesn't have a child. when you're in your 20's and early 30's, there's still plenty of time. but frankly, if you don't have any children by the early 40's and you're a woman, its time to consider that having a child and/or getting married may not happen for you. and before i get comments saying "i know a woman thats xyz age and she just had a baby and got married and is happy" frankly anything is possible. but most older people that have children will admit that they wish they'd have started earlier. anyway, as crazy as it sounds, when i reached the age of 25, i started to say that it may not happen for me. hell, marriage may still not happen although i do have times where i enjoy playing house with deen. but i remind myself daily that this isn't real. we talk about the future but its not secured for either of us. but please believe that times like now when things are good, i think (and hope) that maybe by the time we're forty we'll figure the whole damned thing out and get married.
when my coworker and i talked and i gave her my *awesome* advice and i told her about my fear of becoming one of those beautiful women in my forties with no children, she recommended a documentary called "soul mate" where they talk about the exact same thing- sucessful older black women that are having a hard time getting married or just finding a good partner. today when i got out of work i looked up the documentary and i got to watch a small snippet of it. one of the things it said is that 70% of black women are not married. damn. another clip showed a woman saying that she's 45 years old and a virgin. SAY WHAT!?!?!?! virgin? 45? no sex? EVER?! *shudders* this is one of those moments where i'm fighting the look of being a shallow slut. sex isn't everything. its damned close to it. but not everything. while i respect women that choose to hold out, i can't help but to feel that at some point, hell, get it on over with. while i hate that david was my first, i accept that it brought me to a higher level of understanding in relationships. for my cute little 22 year old virginal coworker, i continue to encourage her to wait. but 45? damn girl. i gotta rent this dvd now, just because i want to hear her story. has she been in any deep relationships? if so, for how long? was she ever close to getting married? was she/is she waiting for marriage to get it on? wow, 45. once again, i'm sure her life has been fulfilling. but she doesn't know what she's missing out on. i'm not even talking about casual sex. although i am a *bit* of a proponent for casual sex, i'm talking about making love. i'm talking about laying in bed naked next to someone that loves you. granted, you may not be married and you may not plan to get married. but you love one another. to be a naked woman, wrapped in a bed sheet sleeping next to the naked male love of my life is something that i cherish. david may have been a douchebag in the end, but there were numerous moments that we shared not only our bodies, but our souls. sometimes i climb into bed with deen and we spoon and hold one another. could you truly appreciate all of that and get to that point without sex? i don't want to say no, but i highly doubt it. and not that i encourage having a child the same way that i did, but without premarital sex i never would have had my son. a 45 year old virgin doesn't know what she's missing out on. but i know what she's missing out on, and you couldn't pay me enough to be her.

how i pissed off a pastor

as an adult do you ever look back at something that you did or said as a child and think to yourself "man, i was advanced/brave/kind/smart when i was a kid"? this is one of those moments for me. anyway, i've always been a bit of a rebel and i've always asked questions of people i'm not supposed to ask. that's why i don't do the whole church thing. too many questions that can only be answered by blind faith and hypocrisy. here is my story of ticking off a pastor. damn i'm good.

in high school we had a woman that was a local pastor who would be a substitute teacher from time to time. her name was ms. english. one day she filled in for my chemistry teacher and starting telling my class about the bible. she pointed to my classmate juju and said that the tattoos on his arm were sinful because the bible says that we're not supposed to mark our skin. now her argument would be well and good, except for the fact that ms. english had about 5 earring holes in each ear.

i pointed out her earrings and said that it's wrong to put down juju's tats when she had earrings. call me crazy, but i couldn't really see god being okay with a woman lining each of her ears earrings, while damning young juju for his tats. ms. english looked at me with utter contempt (i've gotten that look a lot in my life, so i know the look of contempt WELL). she said to me "the bible says not to CUT the skin. just to help this story along here is the verse from the old testament says

“Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves."

so anyway, i told her that she was just as wrong for having earrings as juju was for having tats. ms. english was getting more and more irritated as i pointed this out in front of my classmates. she asked me if i knew the difference between a piercing and a cut. i told her that they're pretty much the same thing and she said they were totally different. somehow or another i was challenged to get a dictionary to look up the difference between the words "pierce" and "cut." in my classroom there happened to be two dictionaries available so i grabbed the biggest one, knowing it would fall in my favor. i started by looking up "cut" and one of the definitions was actually the word "to pierce." i read the definition out loud. my face as i looked at ms. english said it all. i'm pretty sure at that moment she wished she wasn't a christian so she could punch me.

now that i'm older and i've learned to look closely at all religions, i marvel at how advanced and intelligent i was to question her. not only was she an adult, she was a freaking pastor. i just didn't like her telling us how wrong tattoos and whatnot are, when she pretty much did the same in a different capacity. this is was while i was a junior in high school. if only i'd learned to use my power for good instead of evil.