Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Man, I've been wanting to blog for a while now, but I'm up to three jobs now so writing tends to fall between the cracks. My life has changed a lot in 6 months. For starters, Fred is still in LA and I haven't seen him since. He may be coming back to visit Atlanta soon, but for now, we remain distant friends.

The most major change is having my own spot. It feels good to finally have my own place. No worries about who leave what where (although I've got my nephew staying with me and I feel bad about riding his butt to make sure that my place doesn't fall to crap). I wasn't always the neatest child, so I'm trying hard to make sure that this place serves as proof that I'm not a total slob and that I'm able to have a home that isn't covered in filth. So far, so good.

Pookie and I are doing pretty well. He's got a chick or two and I'm at the point where I seriously, truly, don't care. It took a while to get to this point, but it was aided along by me falling for another man that I'll call Chris. I met Chris at a friend's party this summer. I fell hard for him. And like other men that I've fallen hardest for, he was a total jerk 50% of the time. But still, I managed to adore that other 50%. When he wants to be, Chris is funny, intelligent, and can make you feel like the center of the universe. Other times he's cheap, childish and manipulative. Remind me of anyone? Damn right it does. We broke things off for a while. I'm glad for that break because it allowed me to fall back and see him for who and what he really is. We still deal with eachother at times, but this time around I'm only giving what I'm getting. I know that he misses the old me that adored him and cherished him but I've wasted too much of my life on men that don't give me what I deserve. I'm actually thankful for my ex David at this point, because Chris reminds me a lot of him. So although my heart is partly in it, I know to keep my distance and walk away if I need to.

Also I haven't slept with him lately. The sex with him was pretty good, but he made a promise to treat me the first night we got together, which he hasn't done yet. So I'm refusing to sleep with him until he comes through. He's pissed to know that he gets no more of the good stuff until I get something in return, but I'm past the point of caring. Truthfully, I'm not really feeling anyone right now. I met a guy a few weeks ago and it was nice to hear him call me pretty and all, but I told myself that if he was serious, he'd call me. He didn't. I haven't lost a wink of sleep.

Like I said, Pookie and I are cool, but I'm feeling us moving past one another. I'm strangely okay with that. For the first time in my life, I really, truly, honestly, want to be alone. I see attractive men often and I'm happy with a simple flirt before I move on with my day. I feel so light and free to not be worried about men and their lies and whatnot. For the first time, I'm free to focus on the most important people in my life - me and my son. This feels GOOD.

Although I was leaning toward grad school, I've since decided against it. I'm considering going to vocational school for something else though. I've told myself that I've got to have a more firm grip on my career by my birthday this year, in June. I've got a pretty good idea of what I want to do, so fingers crossed.

Otherwise, things are pretty good over on my end. Dare I say, they're great. I'm happier and more at peace than ever before. Yay me.

p.s. I know I said 6 months ago that I'd start writing before, but I mean it this time. For real, I want to start blogging again. I miss this. I own this.

Friday, June 10, 2011

It's Been a While

Man, has it really been 3 months since I've blogged? Gosh, time really flies. Things are pretty good. I've thought long and hard about and I've decided that it would be best if Pookie and I parted ways. In November, I don't know where I'll be living, but my son and I will be on our own for the first time in 4 years. I'm actually pretty excited about it.

I've also started dating a little. I forgot how shitty the dating scene is. Fred and I are no longer at it. We're really good friends actually. He's in LA, doing his thing. I miss him. I hope he's back by next weekend to celebrate my birthday with me. I spend a lot of my time with Daisy and Portia although my other besties Courtney and Nika are never too far away.

I'm in a strange state of figuring myself out. I gained back some of the weight I'd lost which means I gotta haul ass that much more. The awesome thing is that jogging is pretty easy now and my gym is across the street so I've just got to make it more of a priority. I guess I'm in a strange state of being. I've been a social worker for a year and a half now and to say that I'm burned out would be the ultimate understatement. I'm ready for an office job where I get home and I don't have to worry about notes or get calls about the issues people have. I care about the kids and families I work with, but the paperwork is kicking my ass and I'm starting to feel like I've got my own problems, so I'm tired of trying to be superwoman to everyone else.

Yeah, no real theme other than updating the world. Sorry to have been gone so long. I promise I'll do better. I missed writing.


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Malika, the Slutty Prude

So lately I've fallen in love with Rihanna's song "S&M". I whip my hair and sensually rub my hands up and down my body as I dance around to it and feel every syllable of the lyrics. I hop my jiggly ass all over the room and swish my locks as I imagine karaoking to the song and seducing some random hottie.  I had the pleasure of listening to one of my kids tell me what a slut Rihanna is for the song. In the meantime, I'd been wrestling with the idea of adding it to my list of theme songs and I've since made it the first in my jogging playlist on my iPod.

Today I told my bestie about a crush I've developed on a coworker. Although I have no plans to do anything with him, he's still a total babe and someone I enjoy drooling over to my friends. I told bestie how hot the guy is and how since I've been bumping S&M like there's no tomorrow. Somehow I ended up telling her a story about how a few years back I walked up on some gay coworkers that had a conversation. I naively asked what they were discussing, only to be told "lube." I quickly walked my ass away and refused to look back. I ran away from that discussion like white suburbanites run away from an influx of black and Mexican neighbors. My bestie then remarked how crazy it is that I happen to be a total slut while being a total prude.

For a moment I thought, "I'm not a slut." But then, I thought about it, and I just shrugged. I mean, I'm not a "slut." I don't have sex with random guys. Most of the men I've been with, if we weren't dating, we were at least good friends and they were (mostly) polite and gentlemen. But then my bestie reminded me of my tendency to kiss "random" guys, which is what led to the slut moniker. She's right. I totally like kissing. If I talk to a guy and he's cute and I'm feeling it, I'll probably kiss him and not think much of it. The fact that I'm okay being labeled a slut in itself says that I'm a bit too comfortable with my sexuality.

I realized that my bestie Daisy has been with me and seen me kiss a total of three different guys. In my defense though, one of those guys was during a game of Truth or Dare. The other was a guy that we'd met that happened to be a friend of my former crush Kelsy Davis. After a show of Kelsy's, we went back a friend's loft, the guy and I shared a chair and I leaned over and planted on one him. Another time, we were at her home and I grabbed another guy on the way out and planted one on him. In my defense though, I'd known him for a long time, so I don't feel like that kiss counted, but whatever.

Another time I was out with my friend Nicole and were at the famous MJQ. I'd known one of the bouncers for a while and for some reason, I planted one on him. I don't know why. He was there, I was looking hot, and I wanted it. Later on she said "did you kiss him?" My reply? With a shrug of my shoulders I said "yep." Truthfully, I've kissed over 100 men. I know it's horrible. There have been guys that looked me in the eye and remarked about a fantastic kiss that I'd planted on them years ago. And I don't remember it at all. I want so badly to say to some guys "Jesus dude, do you know how many guys I've kissed?" but that would make me sound like a bit of a whore, so I just go along and make them feel good. *briefly lowers head in shame, but quickly recovers*

My friend actually marveled at my ability to kiss any man that I'm moderately attracted to, while barely knowing his name. The crazy thing is that for me, it seems natural to the point where I don't understand why people get so uptight about it. I mean seriously, it's just a kiss, not blowjob. What's the big deal?

Strangely enough, for me to supposedly be a huge freak, I don't even masturbate. Seriously. If I'm going through a dry spell, I wait it on out. Rubbing on myself just doesn't do it for me. I also don't just have sex with random dudes, despite the constant nagging rumors about me doing with with any old guy. Truthfully, the overwhelming majority of the men I've slept with have been great friends to me. In my youth some of them were bastards, but since then I've learned to be a lot more selective. But when I do get it on...

Anyway, so apparently I'm known as a total slut because of my uncanny ability to give my luscious lips to damned near anyone and have no emotional attachment at all. But I'm also comfortable with my own sensuality a little too much for the comfort of some. Not like I give a damn though. I'm a kissing whore and I've learned to own it. You're just jealous cuz you aren't one too.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

His Mother is Gone

I have a friend named Kevin. I've known Kevin since I was 15. I refer to him as my brother. We've shared the most intimate details of our lives and he even just got me a job at the pet store where he works. This is our first time in our lives getting to physically spend this much time together. I love getting to see my brother so often. Kevin and I have always had a bond where we know everything and we get through most of our bad moments by laughing at one another. Seriously. He could write a book about the dumb shit I've done.

My brother just lost his mother. She died this evening after a lengthy illness. I don't know what to say. Of course I'll try to hold down the fort at work while he's gone (as if I have that power), but I just want to take away his pain. I saw a picture of his mother that he posted on his Facebook page. I looked at her and told her that I'll take care of him while she's gone. She responded by telling me that she knows I will. I feel that she's a peace. She's reuniting with loved ones from her past. I feel her being happy. She's free. I'm happy for her, because I feel that her whole body was falling apart and she was ready to go. When I think that he is ready to hear it, I'll pass it on to him. But for now, I just want to heal my brother.

I want to go to him and tell him that she's in a better place. I reminded him to be strong, because he's always been the rock in his family. But even though Kevin is on the other side of town, I can feel his spirit from here and I know that he's falling apart. I can feel his stomach aching. I feel him being dizzy and light headed. I feel that his wife is trying her best to be supportive. I know he's being silent, not knowing what to say. My body, my heart, and my spirit ache for my brother. His mother is gone. And none of my stupid jokes or funny stories can help him.

(s/n I was about to post the picture he just posted of her, but she told me that she didn't want her picture posted, so I chose this one instead)

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Sigh... I'm Back

As all two of my loyal readers may know, I'd left. And I fully intended to stay gone. I was pissed and hurt and a bunch of stuff. I'd even set up another blog elsewhere. But I talked to Fred, and despite many of my friends telling me to stick to what I love (which would be my blog) he was the one that told me to forget the dumb shit and to do what makes me happy. I missed my blog. I'm not really going to bore the world with the goings on that I've been through so far. But I'm looking forward to being back.

Friday, January 7, 2011

I'm Done... The End of an Era

After the last few times my blog was scrutinized and infiltrated I swore that I wouldn't stop the show for anything or anyone. Well, I was wrong. I'm stopping it now. I dunno, perhaps I'll reemerge with a new blog and a pseudonym later, but for now I, Malika S. Flowers have had my space, my thoughts, my mind, and my heart violated by sharing my innermost thoughts, for the very last time. I am thankful to the friends that I've made along the way (Kingsmomma and Stefanie are my internet fam!) and thankful to the personal friends that cared enough to stop in and share my incredible journey with me. I've been beaten down and I've been victorious. But the time has come for me to do something different, somewhere else. Thanks for the continued love and support.

With love,
Malika S. Flowers

p.s. Feel free to hit me up on Facebook or drop me an email.