Motivation: Auntie Energy

I got the hospice job. I start tomorrow. Oddly, it didn't occur to me earlier that many other people would have a hard time working with individuals who are dying. During my interview, they had me tour the facility, complete with sitting in the room with an individual who was taking his final breaths. I wanted badly to whisper to him that it was okay to let go, but I didn't want to get so deep and intimate in front of my new coworkers. But watching him all shriveled up and dying? Did absolutely nothing to me. I truly don't think I would have had the stomach for it, had I not watched my cousin in his final days. I like to think that once again, he's guiding my steps, much like he tried to do when he was here.

The pay wasn't quite what I wanted, and I'm nervous about adding even more miles to my car, but I'm looking forward to the opportunity. As time winds down and my son gets ready to enter high school, most of my movements are trying to align me with moving back to Cali in a few years. I look at this opportunity to work in hospice as something else to add to my resume so that when the time comes for me to relocate, I have plenty of experience to write my ticket into employment in L.A. I'm actually still re-eligible for hire at my previous job, and even stopped in to see my former boss when I was there. I miss those people.

Anyway, since decompressing and getting ready to go back into working, I've had a bit to focus on. Truthfully, I'm kinda hurt about how things ended with Theo. He could have headed on out, fine with me. We were clearly not aligned and were barely speaking in the end. What hurt me the most is that he made it a point to act especially nasty and say hurtful things during his exit. Bruh really wanted to act like I didn't look out for him, huh? The fact is that I knew that things were over when I called him out on some bullshit he did and he made a fucked up comment that was verbatim some shit my b.d. said to me previously. I knew then and there that his days with me were numbered. I did not come as far as I did to go back into another abusive relationship.

A few days after my job acceptance, I remembered that I'd promised myself that before I started a new job, I would submit my book to a publisher. I looked over my manuscript, pretty proud at what I'd written and decided to finish up the last few edits and submit it. Damn. I did it. Even if the editor isn't feeling it, I now have a completed book, ready for publishing. Wild. I'm also planning to receive my settlement from my accident that happened back in December. Holy shit, it looks like things are finally coming together.

I called Fred and discussed my frustration with my thoughts on the progress on things with Theo. Bruh could have headed on out, fine. We weren't even smashing in the end. And here I am, about to blow up and he vanishes. Fred did an amazing job of saying "all of the blessings you have since he left just shows that he didn't deserve to share the blessings that God is giving you." I felt it. I did. Or at least, I wanted to.

The next morning, I got an email. I'd been asked to come in for an interview for a social work position with a local district attorney's office. WHAT?! ME?! DAMN!!!!! I was floored. I want the hospice job, but if I can work with the D.A., helping people and be working closer to home, I'm all about it. I decided that I'm not going to share which jurisdiction it is, but yeah, this will be a good look for the resume as well. I wrote them back and indicated the day that works best for me. That was when Fred's words set in. The Universe really did clear him out, just in time for me to receive my blessings. All of these amazing things happening in my life. Exactly 7 days since Theo headed out and the world is opening up. 

And to just add to my blessings, I began taking a supplement when I got home from the road. I expected it to do good things for me. But what I didn't expect is that it has made my vagina exceptionally wet. Not that it was an issue before. I mean, progress, right?! I have a little "friend" who I've been seeing (nothing serious), but I told him about it and we're both excited to let him go for a test drive when he gets back in town. On top of that, I recently looked in the mirror, only to discover that the psoriasis that I've experienced on my chin is disappearing too. 

So lemme get this straight- dude left a week ago, and since then, I've gotten a new job, submitted my book to a publisher, just got the chance to interview for the job of a lifetime, my face has finally cleared up, AND I GOT THAT WAP?! His punk ass should have left earlier!!

And the next day, I checked my mail, only to find a check for $161 for an old overpayment. #Blessings

I'm geeked. I honestly haven't felt this good since I was moving to Cali a year ago. Things are finally progressing after so much death and despair.

On top of it all, I'm finally unpacking all of my stuff. Yeah, it's been a while. I have an inordinate amount of books and I almost headed to IKEA yesterday, to finally buy a bookshelf. I decided instead to look on Facebook Marketplace and I found a really cute bookshelf for only $15. My cousin, Lashondia, happened to be in town, so I had her help me to bring it in.

Since moving into this townhouse, I've wanted to create a little nook for writing, and I decided that my dining room would be the perfect place. I finally put together my old glass dining room table (I only have one chair, because the others were stolen, but I'm fine with what I have). I moved my new bookshelf into the nook area and set up my laptop here. This just feels right. I can finally write in my own little corner again.

So since I'm finally feeling like myself again, I'm starting to open my old packing boxes and finding new spots for things and throwing out other things. It's definitely process, but I'm enjoying it. I've been here since August and wasn't sure how long I'd be in this apartment, but it looks like I'll be here for at least another year, so it's time to make this place an actual home.

With all of my newfound and newly, truly single energy, I've decided that this summer will be all about the aunties. I've got liquid gold flowing through my legs and I look good. I feel good. I'm working again. Publishing, finally. I want to wear sundresses all summer and just enjoy life to the fullest. No deadbeat boyfriends, no baby daddies, no frenemy energy. I wanna drink margaritas and go to the beach. I don't want commitment of any sort, other than my son, my close friends/family, and my plans to move cross country in 4 years. I'm also planning to head back to Cali for a few days this summer, although how and when remain a mystery.

In a perfect world, I'd be able to feel this way without the bullshit that constantly comes at me. Not a perfect world though. But still, I'm happy. I'm content. I'm here.

Exhale

So I got home from my road trip last week. Thank God. It was a lot. But it was needed. Like I said before, I was in Denver. It was my first stop. I stayed at my cousin's house and later got to stay at the beautiful home of a family friend. It really helped to show me how I need to aligning myself and my goals with how I ultimately want to live. I was thankful for the experience, in addition to getting to see my uncle.

After Denver, I headed on over to Salt Lake City. I stayed with a friend there, and had a great time viewing the place. Next up, one of my favorite cities, Reno. Reno is kind of quiet and tucked away. I left my coat home (smart move, I know), and I couldn't help myself but to drive through the mountains just outside of Reno, by Lake Tahoe. As always, it was a great drive. I'd always wanted to see the mountains when they were full of snow and they did not disappoint. 

After the mountains and lake, I scooted on over to San Francisco. There really is no way to describe how much I love San Fran. It's so bright (yet chilly!) and high energy. I remember someone telling me some years ago that I came across as someone that would love Berkley and he was absolutely right. I'd love nothing more than being able to attend UC Berkley and get a doctorate in African American studies. Who knows, maybe someday? I ended up staying there longer than I'd intended. My first night, I got a hotel. My second day, I called Ali's mother and we went out. 

That was my first time really getting to speak with her like that. She and I often spoke in passing at Ali's home, but we never really connected like that. Until I saw her in SF, the most contact we had was when Ali was transitioning. Ali had told me to contact her while I was in SF, but I never did before. I honestly wish that I had. She was funny and charming. She was definitely goals in every way. It was pretty dope to hear a 75-year-old woman talk about men, sex, and even money. She mentioned being lonely since Ali passed away, and if I didn't have a son to return to, I would have immediately offered to move into her 3 bedroom home to hang out in San Francisco/Oakland. She allowed me to stay in her home the second night.

Next up, on the road to Los Angeles, what I'd come for. I got a hotel the first night. It wasn't the nicest, but it had a bed and a shower, which is all I'd needed at the moment. I called my former supervisor, hoping to see him, but he was working from home that day, so I decided to stay one extra day. I reached out to a woman who I'd originally met through Fred. She asked if I wanted to crash at her place (heck yes!) and she eventually asked me about Fred. I admitted to her that we'd had a 15-year thing and that I no longer wanted to associate with him. I also admitted that I'd had a lot of shit to put in my car and that I needed help getting it out of storage. She encouraged me to contact him and ask for help. I refused.

That night, she and I and a girlfriend of hers went out to eat and had the most amazing Brazilian food. The following morning, I got up bright and early, trying to figure out how to get things together. I eventually had a "fuck it" moment and texted him, saying "I need help getting my stuff out of storage. Are you free today?" (which I knew he was). He immediately called me and asked when I'd be in town. My response was "I got here 2 days ago." "Oh," was his only response.

Two hours later, I picked him up from his home and we headed to the storage unit. The day before, I'd gone in and tossed a few no longer needed items, leaving a bear bones amount. I'd also decided the day before that I'd take the innards out of the beanbag chair that I'd planned to bring home. We got there and he worked tirelessly to help me get everything into my car. Deflating the beanbag chair was an utter nightmare and I like to think that Andrea was in the clouds, laughing her butt off about the absolute mess we managed to make with that damned thing.

When I first saw him, I was cool. Barely looked him in the eye. I remained angry and hurt about our last encounter. I'd actually sworn that I'd never see him again. Yet he always manages to be right there, when I need him. When he's not being an ass. Once we were done, I offered to buy us dinner. I felt that it was the least I could do, after all he dropped his plans at the last minute and did a fuck ton of physical labor, just to help me. He offered to buy me dinner instead. We settled for Korean barbeque. We talked about our last exchange and I admitted to him that if he'd called  me the same way that I called him, I wouldn't have helped him. "Yes you would" he responded. I gave him the 'if you say so' smirk and maintained that I wouldn't have. I told him that his dickish behavior has been a lot to manage. I said "if I'm telling you that you're being a dick, I need you to hear me." He responded with "I'd like to get to the point of stopping myself before I even get to that point." That actually meant so much to me. That he didn't want to be corrected after the fact, he wanted to stop himself before. Come through, king! Although my plan was to head to Vegas that night, I was beyond exhausted. I asked Fred if I could stay the night as his apartment. He said yes...

The next morning, I got up and showered, ready to face Vegas. I spent so much time in Vegas with my friend last summer that even though it was a Saturday night, I had zero desire to hit the Strip, plus I was still exhausted (I'm getting OLD). I ordered takeout sushi for my homeboy and I and crashed on his super comfy couch.

Vegas was my last planned overnight stop. I left the next day and stopped in Santa Fe. I love Santa Fe, it's so cute. I got some trinkets and a bite to eat and got back on the road. At that point, I'd felt that the trip had been a success. I got my stuff, paid my last bit of storage, and got to process my cousin's death. God, I miss him. Anyway, I was somewhere in Texas, when I was on the phone with a homegirl of mine. Out of nowhere, she starts accusing me of "running from (my) problems" by taking this trip. I explained calmly that even if my cousin wouldn't have died, I still would have done the drive. Simply because I was paying through the nose in storage and my new car note was expensive and I couldn't afford to be paying nearly $200 monthly in storage plus my car note. She didn't hear me. She stated that with my loss of having to move back to Atlanta from L.A., plus other losses, I was clearly struggling and could benefit from a therapist.

I agreed that I could quite possibly be experiencing some depression, but her assessment of me being "in crisis" was absurd. I tried to explain that as a mental health professional, "in crisis" meant that I was going off the deep end. She said that I was "driving cross country, aimlessly" and I attempted to explain that I wasn't aimless, I literally had a very justifiable reason to drive. Sure, had Ali not passed, I probably would have taken a more direct route, but I wasn't working and I had some shit to work out, so why not take a bit longer and enjoy the ride? She even talked shit about my taking out a loan to pay for the trip. I explained that I had to take it then, because my son was on spring break, plus it made more sense to take this trip before I started working, than to begin working and request a week off.

She was undeterred. Even relentless. I was enraged. I ended the conversation, furious. She tried to call me back, but I didn't answer. Then she sent me a long ass text message, trying to again express her concern for me because I'd gone of the deep end and that I need to stop running from my problems.

I continued to drive on home. I felt violated and outraged. I can handle being called out. But I can't handle someone incorrectly calling me out. Depressed? Sure. My last couple of years have been challenging. But running from my problems?! ME?! WHO?! Never!!

I got home and Theo was there. Things had really dried up between us. I'd come to see that he wasn't really the man he pretended to be and I had very little interest in maintaining anything with him. He unloaded the car and brought in all of my storage items.

As I began to decompress from my trip, I thought back on what my acquaintance accused me of. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that she'd really been deflecting. She'd actually moved to California a few years before me and had to move back because she couldn't afford it. On top of that, her kids' dad died a couple of years ago. I think that she looked at my travels with envy, because the fact is that I was able to process in a way that she couldn't. I was able to leave my child with loved ones and travel. Even though it was business, she saw my ability to lose a loved one and experience challenges and find a healthy way to escape for a minute and get my head together. She's talked to me about how she doesn't have much support to help with her young children after their father died. What she would have given for a chance to drive cross country alone  to process her loss. So she looked at my trip with envy and wanted to find a way to dismiss what she wished she'd had the chance to do. Which I can respect. But I really resent her throwing up things I'd told her, in an attempt to make me look like an ass.

She called me a few days later. I sent it to vm. She texted me and said that she owes me an apology. I'll talk to her at some point. Just not now.

And things are over with Theo. It felt strange at first. He ended up being very petty and childish. I miss who I thought he was. But I know he's now making some other woman miserable with is controlling bullshit and I'm okay with that.

I've been trying to meditate more lately. I finally finished the book I started a year ago. I'm quite proud of it. Now to get onto getting it trademarked and published. Plus I interviewed for a hospice social work position yesterday, and I'm looking forward to being able to do this. I like to think that Ali's death has helped me be able to help others. He would have wanted it that way.

Healing, Grieving, Focus, Life

I realized a while back that Ali's death was hitting me harder than expected. It never occurred to me how much he was a part of my life until he was gone. I promised myself that 2022 was going to be some sort of cornerstone year and while I'm trying to move forward with that plan, as it's wont to do, life is giving me life on life's terms.

My cousin's death hit me like a ton of bricks, making it hard to focus at my last job. My sleep schedule was shit for a while, coupled with other stressors. It didn't end well. I was hurt at how things happened, but the more I lived and processed, the more I knew that I needed to  really focus. Plus, I wasn't happy with how they ran things. On top of that, when I returned after my cousin's death, I wasn't really given the support that I would have liked, considering that I made it known that I was struggling. Once the shock wore off, I was a bit relieved. I've decided that my next job needs to be one that while still being social work, will be less clinical, with less paperwork, allowing me to focus far more on clients. But first I decided to finally focus on my personal goals.

One of the first things I did was to FINALLY finish writing my book. Now I have to go back and edit some things, but the main part is complete. While that feels amazing to admit, there's still so much more to do to get it ready. I'll be honest and admit that there's a bit of anxiety about it all, but I know in my spirit that I'm ready.

As I started to focus on my finances, it also became apparent that I needed to go back to Los Angeles to tie up loose ends regarding my storage that I was paying through the nose for. I decided that I may as well drive on around the country again, to get to L.A. I'm currently in Denver, staying at my family friend's home and it is beautiful! Her husband is a successful attorney and their home is so warm and comforting. I joked with my friend that her guest room is nicer than many of the hotels I have stayed in. My next stop is Salt Lake City, before I head on over to Reno, before I hit San Francisco. Things in my life could be much better, but they sure as shite could be worse.

While here, I also stopped in to see my uncle, who is Ali's father. His health is rapidly declining, and coupled with grieving his son, I'm not sure how much longer he has. But I wanted to lay eyes on him, plus his other son is with family in Florida at the moment, so since I'm in town, I decided to say hello while giving other family members updates about his health. While my plan was to move back to L.A. in a few years, I'm actually considering making Denver my home in a few years instead. I love looking up and seeing mountains in the distance.

I guess while grieving my cousin is obviously a slow moving process, on another note, I'm starting to decide upon yet another struggle that I'm having. I don't know how to say this, but I'm really struggling with men. I mean, not like that. It's just that- well, I'm really starting to understand just how trash most men are. I've realized how much I've been manipulated and guilted into taking and accepting trash ass behavior from men, with the understanding that if I waited long enough for some tired ass dude, he'd eventually turn into Mr. Right. 

My new understanding is simply "Fuck that noise." I like me and I like how I live my life and I'm sick and tired of feeling like something is wrong with me for loving myself. No more dealing with whack ass excuses from men and no more feeling something is wrong with me when some dude doesn't do the bare minimum in a relationship.

Today I even reached a whole new level of clarity. I realized that had my ex David and I stayed together, if we'd even gotten married, I still would have divorced him at some point. Because he was trash. And the proof in the pudding that he was trash is that he picked a trash ass bitch to marry. No man worth a salt is openly picking women who did shit like call and threaten his mother. Yeah, that's what his baby mama did. And he chose her. Sounds like a real class act, right? Yeah, I sure as shit dodged a bullet. And I'm thankful.

I'm also really going to scale back on my guy friends. Only because I realize that most of my guy friends at some point have tried to sleep with me. Or they just want some sort of nanny/mother figure, they can put all of their emotional shit off on. Like seriously, the more I look at the men around me, I realized that about 90% of them are utter garbage. And that I'm no longer going to be made guilty for putting myself first.

Case in point, I talked a while ago about my former coworker, who has expressed his affection for me, but I shut it down once I realized that he needs me. Anyway, dude called me recently, and I told him that things with Theo aren't working and I'm throwing in the towel. The former coworker, in spite of the overwhelming evidence that I should step away, tried to paint me as the issue in the relationship. One thing about Malika is that she's up front about when she's wrong. I own my shit. And Theo essentially did everything he could to win me over, and quickly showed his ass once he felt my guard was lowered. And I quickly told him that I'm not with the games and ended it. He was hurt. He even cried when I started dating other men. But fuck that noise. Don't cry about me seeing a new man when you weren't doing what I clearly stated I needed.

Over the last 13/14 odd years on this blog, I've discussed countless men that I held onto for too long. I'm not doing that again. I'm no longer going to be bread crumbed into waiting for a man to reciprocate. If he's not showing up from the gate, I'm leaving his ass. I'm not explaining shit and I'm not repeating myself. I also shamelessly use my block button with a vengeance. I don't apologize or explain when I'm blocking someone. If you show your ass or I see you attempting to take more than you've given or earned, I will disappear. I don't owe anyone an explanation for protecting my space and my peace.

Truthfully, I wish I'd understood this about both Fred and Ted. I held on to both of them for a combined total of 20 years, and yeah, I was dicked down well, but aside from that, all I got was lame excuses and tears. When I go to L.A. in a few days, I'm not even going to see Fred. Cuz FUCK THAT NOISE.

When Pete died, I shut down for a while. I guess with that, I got a better understanding of grief, and understanding that no matter how we feel in the moment, it doesn't last forever. So this time around, I'm allowing myself to feel whatever I feel, to process it, examine it, hold it, learn from it, and release it. And while I'm still missing my cousin terribly, there's so much to absorb and unpack from this season of my life and I can't be anything but thankful and honored for that.

I'm not sure that I'll be dating in the future. And if I do, it'll be only because it's what I want, not because I'm guilted or attached in some codependent nightmare of a coupling. I finally see that I deserve the very best from the beginning. #Progress