(Possible) Ending/ (Potential) Beginning

So Fred is mad. Big mad. Over a decade of friendship and I've never seen him like this. Apparently he's still salty with me because of our little row a month ago. I mean, I get it. I said some stuff he didn't like. And I said it with an intention to cut him deep. Which I did.

But I've been on the receiving end of some rather sharp barbs from Fred and I was expected to smile and overlook it. I've never been apologized to for quite a few things he's said and done. But the one damned time I go there, he can't take it. I texted him to announce that I'd like for us to get some coffee and talk when I'm in L.A. in a couple of weeks. He read my text. No response. Damn, son.

I can't make him change his mind. I can't make him talk to me. And I'm damned sure not going to beg him, especially since I can't exactly say that we've put in the same amount of effort into our relationship to begin with.

Yesterday, I chopped it up with my homegirl, Jenny. Jenny is a lesbian who has been hanging on to this broad who is a parasite for way too long. Jenny recently found out that the same chick who has consistently had her hand held out is the same chick who has been married and dodging her.

So naturally, Jenny was crushed and angry with herself for not pulling the plug on this shitshow of a relationship a year ago. As I listened to Jenny rattling off about how fucked up this was, I did something I never thought I'd do. I erased Fred's phone number. Then I deleted all of our text messages.

We'd run our course. I love him. I'd be devastated if something happened to him. But Sky is right. We're no longer in the same place. I've evolved. I love the woman I am. I have goals and ambition. I'm looking straight ahead. I've been by Fred's side through his homelessness, his joblessness, his insecurities, alla dat. I've been verbally abused and humiliated by him, but I stuck by him and defended him, when everyone else saw what I didn't. And now he ain't picking up the phone?! Does he know who the fuck I am? Yeah, yo. I'm checking out on this one. I'm just going to pick a cute little motel in Laguna Beach in Cali, and unless the stars align for it to happen, I'm not going to see him. And that's okay.

So while Fred is taking a bow out, things with Ted have taken a surprising uptake. We gel so much more now. I went to see him the other night. I walked into his bedroom and was greeted with the Jill Scott Spotify station playing in the background. Four and a half years and I have NEVER walked into his home to find relaxing music playing. It was nice. It set a cozy mood. I told him that if anyone ever played me in a movie, I'd want it to be Jill Scott or possibly Queen Latifah. Ted stated "she's not sexy enough to play you." Keep it coming Ted, keep it coming.

I sat on the edge of his bed and immediately heard a crack, followed by his bed caving in. Ted then disassembled the rest of the bed and left only his mattress and box spring. It was such a small moment, but a cute, shared one. Afterwards Al Green's "Tired of Being Alone" came on the television. It was a perfect moment. Then we just kind of lay there on his bed, him reaching over and laying on my back. These moments are literally all I've wanted. This level of intimacy and affection.

I just remembered that Ted would not be okay with me sharing so much of him on my blog, so moving forward, I'll have to scale back how much I write about him. But before I end that I'll share that I recently downloaded some songs from Brandy's first album. One of my favorite songs from her has always been "Love is On My Side." And I've had that song on repeat in the whip lately, a small smile and glassy look in my eye. And by God, it may just be there after all.

All Roads Lead Back to Ted

Atlanta is small. Damned small. Jim was a classmate of mine at Clark who also happened to know Ted. Early on, it wasn't uncommon for Ted and I to fall out every 7 or 8 months. Every time it happened, I swore to myself that it was for good, but we always found our ways back to one another.

During one of our lulls, I was studying on a Friday night with Jim and another classmate. I'd confessed to Jim that I'd missed Ted, but after our last parting, I knew it was a wrap. Jim assured me that there was still a possibility and that Ted missed me too. I wasn't so confident. Jim admitted that he hadn't seen Ted around on campus and inquired aloud if he still worked at the school. My heart sank. On the outs or not, I certainly didn't want to hear that he wasn't doing well.

Jim encouraged me to contact Ted to see if he was okay. I wasn't as confident at Jim that it would be a good idea, but I just needed to know that if he was okay. I'd deleted his number after our last row, but I'd managed to find it deep in my old text messages. I sent a text essentially saying "hey are you still working at the school?" Ted responded saying that he was and asked what I'd heard. I just assured him that my friend hadn't seen him around and I want to make sure that he was good. And that was it.

I anticipated that he'd then end our text exchange and and go back to being salty about whatever it was we were pissed about. I went back to plugging away at my laptop, when suddenly he texted me back "so how have you been?" I lit up like a Christmas tree.

That exchange kind of sums up me and Ted's relationship. I'll own that our early problems stemmed in part from my neediness. We were kind of like dating, but not really. We were friends with benefits, I guess. But we were friends, nothing more. We didn't spend holidays together, he met my son and I met his son, but more as friends, not as "this is mom's new boyfriend." We also agreed to be open and date other people. But I wanted more. I wanted to travel, to go out, to date, to get out of the damned house! Ted? Not so much. Ted was happy just laying in bed, watching movies all weekend. It was good, but it didn't give me what I needed, so I continued to date other men, looking for something more substantial. And whenever me and whoever fell apart, I'd turn right back to Ted. But that was all before.

Ad nauseam, things changed tremendously for me when Pete died. Ted and I were actually on the outs during of my friendship with Pete and I'd talked earlier about how he hit me up roughly 6 months after Pete's death and I explained to him the major shift I'd just experienced.

I think Ted thought early on that I'd be willing to hop right back into where we were, but he soon saw just how raw I was and he respected it and gave me the time I needed. He and I got damned close to having sex twice but I just couldn't do it. But as time when on, I was ready and I wanted it be him. I had to have a drink to calm my nerves, but we did it. Ted was the first person I slept with after Pete's death. I remembered crying during the act. I wiped my eyes and tried to say that I cried because it was so good and I was in the moment. It was a lie. Don't get me wrong the sex was stellar, but that's not why I cried. And I think he new I was lying and let me have it anyway.

Pete's death changed how I viewed things. It forced me to look head on at things I'd previously ignored or taken for granted. It also caused me to look more at what I wanted out of life and relationships. For so long I'd flitted from casual relationship to casual relationship, but I started to want and demand more, but I'd also learned how to accept and meet people where they are. Those who were potentials, I kept around and allow things to flourish, those that aren't worthy, I quickly leave alone.

Ted and I haven't fallen out in the last two years because I've learned to accept him and meet him where he is, rather than expecting what he can't give. We talk a bit less now, but it doesn't bother me as much now and we're closer because of it. In our spending time together, we'd occasionally briefly dance around the idea of marriage (he once quickly said that he if he got married again, he'd have a Batman-themed wedding before quickly correcting himself). I was a bit surprised because he'd always been so against the idea of getting married again, but I shook it off and figured that if he ever got married, it wouldn't be me anyway, so *shrugs*

Despite us growing closer, I continued to look elsewhere for something substantial. I love my relationship with Ted, and cuddling in bed with him has slowly become far more intimate, but many of our early problems stemmed from my wanting more from him and I'd learned not to try to force it. I needed to find it elsewhere. As close as we were, I'd simply accepted that he was no longer "the one" for me.

A good friend of mine recently celebrated the high school graduation of her daughter. I showed up at the family gathering and felt so alone. I looked at the beautiful home that her mother shared with her boyfriend and I wanted that for myself one day. A nice-sized home, plenty of room for people to buzz around, lots of land, space for a garden. My married and engaged friends were so happy and it felt like another smack in the face that once again, I don't have a partner for these moments. I'd wished to myself that Ted would do these kinds of family gatherings, but that just isn't in him for us. Yes we cuddle and spoon after intimate moments, but he just wasn't that guy. Later on, I told Ted about the barbecue and how I wished he'd enjoyed things like that, but I knew it wasn't his cup of tea. Ted surprised me by saying that he'd have been willing to attend with me. Say what now? He explained that he doesn't like big crowds, but he'd be okay attending a small family outing with loved ones. Wow.

I've been considering getting a cabin in the woods and I have come across an advertisement for these cute little cabin pods in the woods. I took a real gamble and sent a picture of the pods to Ted and asked if he'd be willing to join me. To my utter shock, he said yes. My jaw hit the floor. This was the same dude that I had to practically beg to go out to eat nearly 3 years ago, and now he's open to spending a weekend in a cabin. Its almost like the less I expect, the more he gives.

As things have shifted, I've started to look for more. A partner. A life partner. Someone to grow old with. Someone to make decisions with. Someone to cuddle with. Someone to come home to. And God knows I've tried. I laid out a psychological profile of my ideal candidate. This person is chill when I'm a spaz, financially sound, professional, loves me, gets me. Ted happens to work in my field, and he's been a wealth of information and support while I got my degree and now that I'm working in the field. He's typically the first person I vent to about work and he understands my job in addition to the population of clients I work with. He's also one of the few people I talk really openly about my relationship with my mother. Its like a sore, festering wound. And Ted has been there for it all. At the end of the day, it all goes back to Ted and so do I. After 4 and a half years, it all goes back to him. No matter who I date and tell myself that this one will be different, I always end up back in Ted's bed, and more importantly, his arms. Before I started to move too far in my head, I had to know that I was a real potential for him. That he saw me as a woman he'd want going into the next stage of life, not just a bed warmer. I didn't need to hear that he will marry me, but I needed to know that it wasn't out of the realm of possibility.

I called him this morning and framed the question, basically asking if we were both empty nesters, would I be in the running for wife/life partner? And to my utter amazement, he easily said yes. Damn. Word? I explained to him that despite our long history, we've never really seriously talked about a long-term potential of us. I'd never even really said "us" in reference to us. We were always more so of a "he and I with our separate lives" never an "us." But here "we" are.  Ted is the same guy who I had to beg for so much, and suddenly, he's genuinely open to sharing his life with me. I just wanted to know what that my look like.  I know that if he read this, he'd freak slightly and tell me to stop overthinking things, but this made me frame things differently.

And while I will continue to date other men in the meantime, Ted has grown on me. And to me. And I guess I've grown on him. Who knew?

BoJack Vacation

So I've been meaning to check out this show called "BoJack Horseman" for a while now. Its on Netflix, and despite the reviews, which seemed mixed at best, I figured I'd give it a whirl. What I soon discovered about this show is how amazing it is. It is one of the funniest and sharpest shows I've seen to date.

The show is about Bojack, an actual horse (the show is animated, follow me here) who lives in an anthropomorphic world with other animals and humans. BoJack was on a show during the 1990's called Horsin' Around. Since then, BoJack has become a bit of a dark cloud. He has a lot of self-destructive behaviors and he struggles to build healthy relationships. Much of his negativity stems from a toxic relationship with his emotionally abusive mother (see how deep this runs for me?) I see a lot of myself and other people around me in him. He lives in Hollywoo (I know what I did there), where he's often surrounded by a lot of drugs and glamour.

I'm now at a point in my binge where he recently lost a good friend of his. In his grief, he just fled. He apologized as much as he could and took off in his car. Looking at this animated show, as this man drove aimlessly through the dessert was so familiar. Because I did it. It looked the same, felt the same, and I did it for the same reason. I fled.

I couldn't discuss it while in litigation, so I largely didn't mention it in this blog, but I spent last summer by myself for 12 days on the west coast. I flew into San Francisco and made my way over to Los Angeles, followed by Phoenix, and then on to Vegas, where I flew home from. I needed that trip like I needed the air that I breathe. I drove between all of those cities. Just me and my thoughts. Looking back now, I guess I can see how far-fetched it seemed. But at the time, it just felt right. I knew that I needed to get away. I can't say that I was running. I wasn't. But I couldn't stomach to stand still either. Add my grief to a job that was beginning to stress me to the point of no return, my trip out west saved me from myself.

I don't know what called me out there. There were actually a few things I'd had lined up, in addition to a few friends I wanted to see, but that wasn't it. I'd needed time away, to figure out my thoughts. To decide what I needed in life. To sort out my grief. Quite a few people questioned why I'd opted to go away by myself for so long, but I honestly couldn't explain it. I just knew that I needed to go. To fly. To be alone. I'd had a few destinations on the map, but by and large, outside of driving and seeing Fred, I had no real plans, except for my newly minted plan to strip down to nothingness the moment I entered my hotel room. The only room I'd booked was for the start of my trip, but other than that, I left it all up in the air.

I have a co-worker in a higher position, who is a free-spirit, much like myself. I talked to him yesterday and shared that for my upcoming trip in less than two weeks (WOOHOO!!), the only hotel I'd booked is for my first night. I said to him that there's something thrilling about waking up in one city and not knowing if you'll fall asleep in the same city. Will I sleep in Los Angeles tonight, or will I sleep in San Francisco? It was thrilling. My co-worker looked at me like I was on a heroin trip.

So, I guess I neglected to mention that I intend to go on another trip. Yes God, in two weeks. Its been a struggle, I've prayed to the financial gods for this to come together, and it has. Finally. I'm no longer driving to grieve. I'm driving to breathe. To move. To be free. To explore. I'll visit beaches by myself, I'll climb mountains by myself, to cry by myself, to laugh by myself. Y'all have been doing vacations wrong.

Emotional/Intelligence Breaking/Points

So I've been on one lately. Part of me thinks it could be this stupid tooth, but part of knows it could be a reckoning of much, much more. It started off a while back with Fred. I'm not sure if I mentioned this conversation here, but I'd vented to Fred about Luke and how I felt that Luke was becoming despondent and pulling away and how much I needed insight on moving forward. I talked to Fred, who instantly stated "well, he's still legally married and..." I'm sorry? What now?

This isn't the space of a judgmental, 23-year-old child. Life catches up to you fast. He was married, things didn't work, they live apart, their kids are grown, emotionally, they are separate, sexually, they are separate, financially, they are separate. Call me bizarre, but yo, he's free game.

So why the hell was Fred bringing up him being married on paper, despite having his own apartment? Because Fred is full of shit. And I finally reached my breaking point on it and said it out loud. I know it hurt and I meant for him to hurt. My words? "I should have known better than to try to talk to you about this, you aren't emotionally intelligent enough to get it." Yes, I know it was a dig. I meant for it to be one. I came to him, seeking advice and council. But he couldn't give me that. He had to do more. And I felt like I had to bring him down a peg. Or several.

I also threw into Fred's face how he'd been butt hurt recently about a woman who's husband was in Spain. But while her husband was in Spain, Fred was keeping her occupied. And once her husband returned, she dropped Fred like him, his dick, his heart, and his time never mattered. And that is a woman who was and is married. Shit, I met Luke's daughter. It certainly wasn't something we planned for, but the planets aligned. I highly doubt that if Luke was trying to hold so fast to his on-paper marriage that he'd pretty much plant a kiss on me in front of his adult child.

So on top of calling Fred emotionally unintelligent, I followed up by telling him that I'm growing to like him less and less as a person and that he calls himself a Christian, but he doesn't carry himself as one at all. Yeah, I brought out the big guns. I guess I've just been holding it in. Yeah Fred, I love you. But I'm growing past your shit. My best friend Sky recently stated that if I'd met Fred at this stage in my life as opposed to meeting him 13 years ago, things would be different. We'd be passing ships in the night. And he was spot on with that.

So here we were. Or are. He sent back a text a day or two later, asking me if I'd felt judged and he gave some sort of b.s. about being human and using the Bible to justify xyz. But I didn't respond. Because it didn't matter. I love Fred. And I know he loves me. But I'm tired of how he loves me. I'm tired of why he loves me. He loves me because I am convenient. Not because I'm fucking amazing. Not because I've seen his ass homeless and still saw the best in him. Not because I've flown all over to visit with him, when he was lonely. But because he was needy and I was available. He and I haven't talked since. I texted him a pic from after my tooth procedure. He hasn't responded. I'm unphased by that. I'm supposed to be seeing him when I land in Cali. Not sure if I will though.

And then the other guy. I met him via Tinder. He seemed pretty nice. Not long into our conversation, I realized that he is the best friend of one of my best friend's husbands! Small world, right?! Not so fast. I mean, he was nice and all, but I didn't wan to go make a big deal about this dude, just because we know of the same people. Sorry homie, but their their bond does not immediately bond us. And while I tried to keep in touch and try to build with the new guy, I couldn't shake that he was just into my looks. He'd text me "good morning, beautiful" and it stung. I'm so much more than my looks. I'm intelligent, articulate, accomplished, funny, all kinds of shit. But the only thing you see is "beautiful." Text messages are cool, but bruh, how about an actual phone call? I texted my homegirl and said straight up, that I'm not feeling dude. She stated that his lack of stepping up might have to do with the fact that his daughter is graduating and he's preoccupied. Nope.

So on Facebook the other day, I opted to ask people what their deal breakers are. One woman stated that she doesn't do men that don't go to the doctor. I'd never thought about it, but I could see that. I asked her about it, and she went on to talk about things such as hypertension and diabetes that are rampantly uncontrolled in Our community. And she was right! And then I took it a step even further. If this guy refuses to go to the doctor, and then he fucks around and has a stroke or heart attack, who is the woman expected to look after his ass? Me! No bueno. I monitor my diet, I exercise, I jog, I go to the doctor, so why the hell should I have to cut back on living my life just to care for you after you opted to be too fucking stubborn to get a check up? So now your bad choices impact me?! NOPE!

And then last night. So yeah, Davis is staying with me, and I'm using the money he kicks to me to help pay down this car note and other bills. And I love Davis, he'll always have a special place in my heart. At one point in time, he was my everything. But him staying with me has allowed me to see him for the flawed human being he really is. I needed that shit so bad! Anyway, I noticed a while ago that he has a small patch of hair missing in the back of his head. I'd assumed he'd accidentally nicked himself shaving. When I asked him about it last night, he stated that it stemmed from his allergy to his ex's cat, and now the allergy to my cat. Davis stays in his own room, away from the cat (the cat often sleeps next to me) and he tries to purify things as much as possible, but it is what it is. I finally said to Davis, "bruh, just take a Benadryl." He responded that he doesn't like taking drugs for health. Say what now? I said "well, then just take something natural, I'm sure there are natural antihistamines that could help. You do understand that the allergy send signals to your brain, essentially telling your body to attack itself right? That's bananas! You don't want to slowly kill yourself. That completely defies logic and common sense!"

He paused. I'd done it again. I tap danced on that nerve. I insulted him. He'd gotten on me about it before, but the only difference is that this time, I truly don't give a shit. I mean, seriously? You're going to sit here and have your fucking hair fall out and all of these hives and shit all over your body, as if its some kind of badge of honor? Fuck you dude, that shit is fucking STUPID and I'm not going to tiptoe around your feelings to keep you from knowing that. Take care of your goddamned self, shit!

He opted to head to bed shortly thereafter. And I don't know what happened, but I started to feel empowered. As I take a whole new look at myself, I'm starting to see, yet again, just how amazing I am. Am I'm starting to realize that I've dimmed my light over the years, trying to make way too many men feel good about themselves, while they shoveled shit in my direction. No more! I'm intelligent, kind, witty, free, goddamned AMAZING! And someone else's need to dominate me in order to further feel strengthened in their own bullshit will no longer be my cross to bear. It hasn't been easy, but I'm really taking my me back!

Pulling Teeth

This last few weeks have been brutal for me. I've got a vacation coming up in two weeks and I'm doing everything I can to keep from losing my shit between now and when I load my plane. Its time for me to fly. My clients are cool, but I'm not built for this life. I need more stability. At least, I need more stability in my clients. But its difficult, when most of them need money to aid in whatever their problems are, but we don't live in a state that readily makes those resources available. But I digress. I will be landing elsewhere in just under 2 weeks. I will be staring at mountains on my birthday, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

To add insult to injury, on Tuesday afternoon, a toothache that had been plaguing me on and off for at least 4 years came back with vengeance. I've always known that I'd need to eventually get it pulled by a dentist, but for years, lack of proper dental coverage made that an impossibility. So I did what most uninsured Americans do and borrow pills from friends and take Tylenol until I'm vomiting blood. May not being the safest method, but it did what I needed it to do. Until Tuesday. I popped a pill or two and nothing worked. I tried oil-pulling, and nothing worked. I put peppermint oil on it. Nothing. Orajel? BWAHAHA!! My tooth laughed at that shit! Peroxide rinse? Waste of money! It was hopeless. I needed a dentist, STAT!

The supervisor in the department I was in at the time allowed me to take a long lunch to run my ass to the dentist, where it was quickly discovered that this wisdom tooth that I'd been stupidly ignoring was no longer going to be ignored.

Funny enough, I'd been thinking how much my dental insurance seemed like horse shit up until that point, since I haven't even looked at it at all for the last year and some change that I've had it. But I'm damned sure glad that I held onto it. To be honest, I held on more for The Boy than myself. I knew I'd take him eventually. I just didn't know when. But the dentist I went to was mad cool, friendly, a Black woman, and she takes kids. So, YES! I'm in!

I'm glad this hit now. My plan was initially (a few months back when I first started planning) to take my vacation last week or the week before, leaving me across the goddamned country when that tooth started to beat me like I stole something. I changed my date and pushed my vacation back, based on the fact that my favorite new singer has a concert this week, in addition to the fact that my cousin is due to have a baby any day now and I was asked to go by the home and help with their two young children while she's in labor. Naturally I was in. So here I am, down to 16 days. I can do this. In just over two weeks, I will step outside and see massive mountains as far as the eye can see. I will be in a land of nothingness, with people I don't know, who don't know me, who have no expectations of me. Please God, let this be soon. and painless. Please.