All Roads Lead Back to Ted

Atlanta is small. Damned small. Jim was a classmate of mine at Clark who also happened to know Ted. Early on, it wasn't uncommon for Ted and I to fall out every 7 or 8 months. Every time it happened, I swore to myself that it was for good, but we always found our ways back to one another.

During one of our lulls, I was studying on a Friday night with Jim and another classmate. I'd confessed to Jim that I'd missed Ted, but after our last parting, I knew it was a wrap. Jim assured me that there was still a possibility and that Ted missed me too. I wasn't so confident. Jim admitted that he hadn't seen Ted around on campus and inquired aloud if he still worked at the school. My heart sank. On the outs or not, I certainly didn't want to hear that he wasn't doing well.

Jim encouraged me to contact Ted to see if he was okay. I wasn't as confident at Jim that it would be a good idea, but I just needed to know that if he was okay. I'd deleted his number after our last row, but I'd managed to find it deep in my old text messages. I sent a text essentially saying "hey are you still working at the school?" Ted responded saying that he was and asked what I'd heard. I just assured him that my friend hadn't seen him around and I want to make sure that he was good. And that was it.

I anticipated that he'd then end our text exchange and and go back to being salty about whatever it was we were pissed about. I went back to plugging away at my laptop, when suddenly he texted me back "so how have you been?" I lit up like a Christmas tree.

That exchange kind of sums up me and Ted's relationship. I'll own that our early problems stemmed in part from my neediness. We were kind of like dating, but not really. We were friends with benefits, I guess. But we were friends, nothing more. We didn't spend holidays together, he met my son and I met his son, but more as friends, not as "this is mom's new boyfriend." We also agreed to be open and date other people. But I wanted more. I wanted to travel, to go out, to date, to get out of the damned house! Ted? Not so much. Ted was happy just laying in bed, watching movies all weekend. It was good, but it didn't give me what I needed, so I continued to date other men, looking for something more substantial. And whenever me and whoever fell apart, I'd turn right back to Ted. But that was all before.

Ad nauseam, things changed tremendously for me when Pete died. Ted and I were actually on the outs during of my friendship with Pete and I'd talked earlier about how he hit me up roughly 6 months after Pete's death and I explained to him the major shift I'd just experienced.

I think Ted thought early on that I'd be willing to hop right back into where we were, but he soon saw just how raw I was and he respected it and gave me the time I needed. He and I got damned close to having sex twice but I just couldn't do it. But as time when on, I was ready and I wanted it be him. I had to have a drink to calm my nerves, but we did it. Ted was the first person I slept with after Pete's death. I remembered crying during the act. I wiped my eyes and tried to say that I cried because it was so good and I was in the moment. It was a lie. Don't get me wrong the sex was stellar, but that's not why I cried. And I think he new I was lying and let me have it anyway.

Pete's death changed how I viewed things. It forced me to look head on at things I'd previously ignored or taken for granted. It also caused me to look more at what I wanted out of life and relationships. For so long I'd flitted from casual relationship to casual relationship, but I started to want and demand more, but I'd also learned how to accept and meet people where they are. Those who were potentials, I kept around and allow things to flourish, those that aren't worthy, I quickly leave alone.

Ted and I haven't fallen out in the last two years because I've learned to accept him and meet him where he is, rather than expecting what he can't give. We talk a bit less now, but it doesn't bother me as much now and we're closer because of it. In our spending time together, we'd occasionally briefly dance around the idea of marriage (he once quickly said that he if he got married again, he'd have a Batman-themed wedding before quickly correcting himself). I was a bit surprised because he'd always been so against the idea of getting married again, but I shook it off and figured that if he ever got married, it wouldn't be me anyway, so *shrugs*

Despite us growing closer, I continued to look elsewhere for something substantial. I love my relationship with Ted, and cuddling in bed with him has slowly become far more intimate, but many of our early problems stemmed from my wanting more from him and I'd learned not to try to force it. I needed to find it elsewhere. As close as we were, I'd simply accepted that he was no longer "the one" for me.

A good friend of mine recently celebrated the high school graduation of her daughter. I showed up at the family gathering and felt so alone. I looked at the beautiful home that her mother shared with her boyfriend and I wanted that for myself one day. A nice-sized home, plenty of room for people to buzz around, lots of land, space for a garden. My married and engaged friends were so happy and it felt like another smack in the face that once again, I don't have a partner for these moments. I'd wished to myself that Ted would do these kinds of family gatherings, but that just isn't in him for us. Yes we cuddle and spoon after intimate moments, but he just wasn't that guy. Later on, I told Ted about the barbecue and how I wished he'd enjoyed things like that, but I knew it wasn't his cup of tea. Ted surprised me by saying that he'd have been willing to attend with me. Say what now? He explained that he doesn't like big crowds, but he'd be okay attending a small family outing with loved ones. Wow.

I've been considering getting a cabin in the woods and I have come across an advertisement for these cute little cabin pods in the woods. I took a real gamble and sent a picture of the pods to Ted and asked if he'd be willing to join me. To my utter shock, he said yes. My jaw hit the floor. This was the same dude that I had to practically beg to go out to eat nearly 3 years ago, and now he's open to spending a weekend in a cabin. Its almost like the less I expect, the more he gives.

As things have shifted, I've started to look for more. A partner. A life partner. Someone to grow old with. Someone to make decisions with. Someone to cuddle with. Someone to come home to. And God knows I've tried. I laid out a psychological profile of my ideal candidate. This person is chill when I'm a spaz, financially sound, professional, loves me, gets me. Ted happens to work in my field, and he's been a wealth of information and support while I got my degree and now that I'm working in the field. He's typically the first person I vent to about work and he understands my job in addition to the population of clients I work with. He's also one of the few people I talk really openly about my relationship with my mother. Its like a sore, festering wound. And Ted has been there for it all. At the end of the day, it all goes back to Ted and so do I. After 4 and a half years, it all goes back to him. No matter who I date and tell myself that this one will be different, I always end up back in Ted's bed, and more importantly, his arms. Before I started to move too far in my head, I had to know that I was a real potential for him. That he saw me as a woman he'd want going into the next stage of life, not just a bed warmer. I didn't need to hear that he will marry me, but I needed to know that it wasn't out of the realm of possibility.

I called him this morning and framed the question, basically asking if we were both empty nesters, would I be in the running for wife/life partner? And to my utter amazement, he easily said yes. Damn. Word? I explained to him that despite our long history, we've never really seriously talked about a long-term potential of us. I'd never even really said "us" in reference to us. We were always more so of a "he and I with our separate lives" never an "us." But here "we" are.  Ted is the same guy who I had to beg for so much, and suddenly, he's genuinely open to sharing his life with me. I just wanted to know what that my look like.  I know that if he read this, he'd freak slightly and tell me to stop overthinking things, but this made me frame things differently.

And while I will continue to date other men in the meantime, Ted has grown on me. And to me. And I guess I've grown on him. Who knew?