Friday, October 25, 2013

To Be Loved: The Epiphany

So yesterday I promised no more blogs about Love, so I decided to make this moreso about what I realized about the emotion of love and how it relates to relationships. Yesterday, I spilled my guts about my apprehension of relaxing and allowing myself to enjoy Love, for my fear of abandonment. I talked to a bestie about my fears and she reminded me that love isn't supposed to hurt and that its just that I've been hurt so much that I'd come to associate love with pain.

Coincidentally enough, I saw Love yesterday, and he was awesome enough to show concern about my son when I wasn't able to get through to his dad's cell AND he gifted me with these.

(Not just one set of flowers but TWO!!) :)

Love has urged me a few times to let him love me, and truthfully, I didn't really know how. Something so simple was really so foreign to me. Love and I are different as night and day, but last night it occurred to me the 2 things he and I have in common. The first thing is that we laugh. We laugh all day about the most random things. Even in the midst of kissing, we're calling one another old and cracking about who's funnier. (I am...) The second is that just like me, he only wants to love and to be loved. That's it. I didn't realize it before, but in many of my relationships, I walked in giving so much, not realizing that I was with men that didn't know how to give or receive love. All I'd wanted was to love a man honestly, and have him love me the same way.

I'm not saying that men didn't love me. I have no doubt that Deen and David both loved me. However, they didn't know how to show it, nor did they know how to take it in and let it grow. So it sat and stewed and created a long, bitter, drawn out mess. I know both of them and I know that were ever they are right now, they're still doing the same insanity.

But back to Love/love. I realized that him wanting to love me so closely matches me wanting to love them. Only this time, I'm blessed to be next to a man that loves love. He loves to love and all he really wants in return is love. Pure, genuine, honest love. All he wants is a woman that can meet him and love him in return. No extra funniness. No lies. No games. I think I'm finally ready, after all of the craziness I've been through, to finally love a man and to let Love love me in return.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Where the Heart Is

Okay, after gushing on old dude for the last two posts, I've decided this one will be the last one focused on him for a while. We hit the month mark today and while I'm still head over heels for him, the honeymoon is wearing off and we're now in the point of getting back to focusing on working on ourselves and making preliminary plans for a potential future together.

But I recently came to realize that I'm bringing a bit of an abandonment issue to the table and I'm frustrated and disappointed with myself for having it, but as always, Love is a champ in dealing with it. Its not that I doubt his love and dedication to me or for me- at the moment. Its just that I keep expecting that one day he'll look up and realize that I'm nuts or get bored and leave. I've seen it so often before that its nearly impossible not to have in my mind. I sometimes question the existence of God, but Love and I have prayed on it and I'm just now realizing how much I'll have to pray on this as well. Every time he sees me or talks to me, he assures me he's here with me and loves me and isn't going anywhere. I believe him- mostly.

One of my favorite books is titled "Where the Heart Is" and it was also made into a movie, staring Ashley Judd. In the movie/book Ashley Judd's character continues to pick shitty men and get pregnant and abandoned by them. In the end she's got like 5 or 6 kids and been to hell and back. She eventually meets a man who sees her and accepts her as she is and takes in her and her kids and they live happily ever after. Yeah, its a condensed version (Judd's character is only secondary in the book anyway), but my point is that I found myself thinking about the book today, and how I thought that stuff like that didn't really exist. I thought that men would continue to blame me and judge me. When I met Love, I was actually going to reject him, not so much because of who he is, but because of where I was and just thinking we wouldn't be a good fit because we were so different. All it took was one date to convince me of how wrong I was. After our 2 hour coffee meeting of laughing, I knew I wanted to see him again. And again.

So here is to hoping to spend more time getting to know and love him. I know he loves me. And I love Love. He is where my heart is.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Officially In Love

So soon, but its true. He makes my heart flutter. And he loves me. Its true, he loves me!! He treats me like a princess and tells me how beautiful I am. We relish all of our time together, no matter how plain. We spend hours laughing and joking. I knew he meant the world to me when we danced around his apartment to "As" by Stevie Wonder the other day. He also owns a Tevin Campbell cd and not the second one (which everyone has), he has the first one. This man is truly a gift from above. I found myself thinking how much I hoped and prayed to hold on to my last two relationships and how this is different. This is different because its easy. And he told me he loves the same thing about being with me. Our time is easy. There are differences but it doesn't matter because we love and respect one another so much that we work through them. He doesn't attempt to buy my love or buy me things to shut me up, we do for each other because we care for one another.

I think back on my exes and I remember how time was with both of them and I know they continue to make their current women miserable. Or with my son's father, doing just enough to keep me around, but not enough to actually work on things. He prayed with me today. He actually held my hands and prayed that we stay together and find strength to work through things. No man (out of MANY) has cared enough to do that before. And I love this man from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. When I walk down the street, men approach me and I happily tell them that I'm involved. Because I see what the dudes in the streets are like and none of them compare to my baby.

We're so affectionate. Often holding hands and making out in public like teenagers. It means so much to me when he looks me in my eyes and pierces my soul and tell me how much I mean to him because its always how I feel about him as well. He even Googled me and found my writings and told me I should get back into it. Now THIS is the man I'm supposed to be with. Today I admitted that there are times that I dream of becoming Mrs (insert his government name, which I'm not telling yall, here).

A relationship like this is truly heaven sent. He knows of my abusive relationships in the past and he doesn't judge me or use my past against me, he supports me as I work through it. He even prayed for my son today. He is a man that I will stick with until I can't anymore. We're already planning for the holidays. I love this man so much. And he loves me.

Monday, October 7, 2013

I'm In Like!!!

As a woman who is learning a lot from her past mistakes, I've decided to keep some details on this one close to my chest, but I will say that I am in absolute like. He's beautiful, charming, loyal, funny, tall, handsome. My heart flutters when I'm near him. We laugh together frequently. I think about him constantly. Today, while in my car, the song "Love Under New Management" by Miki Howard came on and I sang it for dear life. Strangely enough, he and I couldn't be more different, and sometimes that worries him. But I don't care. He knows my sad and twisted story and he listens anyway. He doesn't judge me for my short comings. He knows I'm working on things and he wants to help me through them. I adore him in so many ways. I've never met a man that I routinely talk to for 3 and 4 hours at a time. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but he's a much needed blessing after the long rainy year that I've had.