Fucking Around and Finding Out

The way that Fred and I hooked up the second time around is kind of interesting. It was my 30th birthday and I'd had a gathering for friends. My son's father opted to miss my party, but Fred didn't. My girlfriends had no clue that Fred and I had a past, they just saw him putting on the moves. He'd flirted with me heavily that night and my friends couldn't help but to notice how good looking he was. As the night wore on, I tried to ignore Fred's charms. 

I was about to go home when I called Fred and asked him if I could kiss him. He agreed. We met at a local high school and made out, before we went back to his home to finish the job. I can't help but to laugh at how my ex acting like an ass threw me back into the arms of my former lover, and now over 12 years later, we're still in one another's lives.

And I love Fred. I always will. But life is changing. After Theo, I decided that I needed a break from dating and men. I was and am just over the game. I stopped having casual sex because I got sick of getting the lower end of the deal. I decided to hold out for proper time together before I even entertained a date. And anytime a guy even joked about sex before I was ready, I ghosted him.

Enter Jonathon. I'd first met Jon about 10 years ago. We met online, as he was the brother of one of my favorite singers, a Grammy nominated, internationally recognized, international star. At the time, his son was roughly my son's current age. My son was about 4. Jon didn't want more kids, but my youngster was still young and I was holding out hope that I'd eventually have another child or 2 more and get married. I was hoping for that white picket fence life that has continued to elude me. Meanwhile, I dated others, as did he. We stayed in touch and occasionally flirted, but our timing was always off.

Since then, my son is high school aged, and Jon's son is now a father, making Jon a grandfather. Jon and I got together recently after I was done with Theo and Jon happened to call on the right day. I mean, the best way to get over one man is to get under another, right? We got it in, during a moment of passion, but something happened. Jon stayed around.

I don't have casual sex anymore, and Jon has been consistent. When I demanded a date before anymore nookie, he showed up. When he can't show up because of work obligations, he lets me know ahead of time and he actually apologizes. He calls and asks how I'm doing in the middle of the day. He cooks me dinner and prepares a proper cocktail when I visit his home. We text one another to talk shit. We talk about careers. We play Words with Friends. I showed my cousin a picture of Fred and then showed him a pic of Jon. My cousin pointed out that Jon looks like a grown man compared to Fred. I don't think I've ever really dated one of them. I mean, he's in his early 50's, but it's not just his age. He's got real grown ass man swag. He's got a decent job, good credit, head full of grey hair, and he's traveled the world. And I didn't expect to like him, but it's going that way. 

I was at his home recently and what surprised me was how he grabbed me and kissed me passionately. I haven't been kissed like that in eons. He gave me shit for stealing the blankets. I always get so excited about men, so I'm trying hard to just take it easy. But I like Jon a lot. I've even been playing Jon's brother's music more, as it reminds me of him, particularly one song that's about togetherness. If I see his brother performing around soon, I'm hoping we can stop in to catch the performance. Funny enough, his bro's performance is where we first met in person after chatting online.

And because my life isn't difficult enough, Fred is on his way into town tonight. My friend asked me the other day if I'd still hook up with Fred if I was in a serious relationship. And I quickly said no. I love Fred. And again, I always will. But he has shown me consistently that we will never be anything permanent. And although a couple of years ago I was willing to sabotage any relationship to keep Fred in my life, that is no longer the case. Fred has had all of me for years, but only wanted part of me. It's time to find a man who wants all of me to himself, not just this back and forth shit we've been keeping up for years.

My standards have changed and being modelesque and having a long history with me is no longer enough. Men are going to see that I'm not sticking around in a relationship or situation that isn't fully what I want. I will absolutely leave, unapologetically and only align myself sexually with men that are worthy of my time and attention. I'm seeking something secure. Something loving. Something long-lasting. Not sure if Jon will be it. But he's a nice start.

Orange Noise Cycles

I just reread my last post. Wild how things cycle out in life. Something told me to contact my mentee lately. She'd asked me to borrow a few bucks a while back, and didn't go into much detail when I asked how things had gone with her job at the time. I called her this weekend and asked for an update.

She basically explained that she was just a single course shy of obtaining her master's after a hardship. She admitted that she felt helpless and felt like giving up. And for an hour and a half, I laid into her, explaining that sometimes shit just happens and we go through cycles, and you just gotta hold your head and keep plugging through, until you make it to the other side. 

I told her about a lot of the hardship I'd endured for the last year and a half, and I was honest about wanting to jump into a freaking hole more than once. She asked how I'd made it out. I told her quite truthfully, that what helped me was just recognizing that when we hit a low part in the cycle, we just keep plugging away until we reach the high point again. And while we're in a high point, we constantly try to find ways to prepare for another low point while we appreciate being on the upswing of the cycle.

I told her about losing Andrea, my cousin and uncle, and how I worked at not one, but THREE toxic ass jobs before I found one that I'm happy with. People really underestimate how shady people in social work can be. I told her that once she finishes her degree in social work (she followed in my footsteps, after I inspired her!! SWOON!), she can get her degree and write her own ticket. I told her that I took my horrible job experiences, and used them to make my boss ass resume that makes me employable damned near anywhere I want. I mean, if that ain't a success story, what is?

After we got off the phone, I decided to go on and meet her and treat her for pizza. My mentee read my book and I proudly showed her my new business logo. She loved both. While together, she disclosed a few things at her job site that didn't sound right, so I messaged my old intern supervisor, who happens to work with her questionable coworker. What can I say? Social work is a pretty small world, in spite of being toxic af. I decided not to go through my intern supervisor, although he and I did make plans to hang out next week. Instead, I'll go to the head of training from that intern site, to report the behavior I saw. 

Afterwards, my mentee thanked me tremendously. When we parted, I thanked her. Turns out, I needed our meeting as much as she did. The kick in the ass that I gave her reminded me of exactly how far I've come and how much I've gone through to get where I am and how proud I am of myself.

Anyway, last night I found myself stumbling onto an article about "brown noise" a variation of white noise, that is supposed to help people focus. I listened to the brown noise, and while not terrible, it was a bit harsh for me. I scrolled through "pink noise", "blue noise," and basically all frequencies of noise before I settled on "orange noise" which seemed to sit perfectly with me. Not too pitchy. Not too distracting or loud. Not too low. It was just right. I used it to meditate last night, and I even slept with it on. I reminds me of the sound of trees rustling on a windy day, or the sound of the ocean. It sounds like LIFE.

I walked into work today, recharged for the first time in seemingly forever. Not sure if it's my meds or what, but I've been so tired lately and barely able to hold my head up. I struggled last week to finish some notes I'd been behind on (because of course I was), which put me a tad behind on my current month's workload. But today, I finally walked in, ready and able to focus on the current stuff.

But before I walked in, I stopped at a patient's home to do an assessment of their loved one. I got there, and kept hearing the family say "was" regarding the patient. I wondered if she'd passed, but I kept it neutral, until it was confirmed. The person did, in fact, die the previous day. I wasn't going to let the family know that I didn't know (mad unprofessional!), instead I kept on, as if my meeting was planned for this reason. 

Coincidentally, this moment felt very familiar. The family had just felt the most tremendous loss of their lives, and they were processing, trying to figure out their next moves. The home was eerily quiet. It reminded me of the morning after Ali passed. How we all kind of just floated around weightlessly, trying to make sense of it all. Of course, being on the other side, I explained to the family that I know how they felt. I suggested that they turn off the phone (as you can imagine, you get a crazy amount of calls as the word spreads when a loved one has died), and I told them how I put up a Facebook post announcing my cousin's passing, and asked friends to excuse us for a moment while we decline phone calls in order to process, promising readers that contact will resume shortly. The family members agreed that social media post explaining their absence in the meantime would have to suffice. Once again, my loss allowed me to help others.

I got back to the office and my coworker and I had a good laugh about my having to pretend that I knew that the patient's loved one died the previous day. Throughout the rest of the afternoon, my coworkers and I discussed a difficult patient and other things, as I tried to set up my schedule for the following day. I finally got around to calling a patient I hadn't seen in over a month. In spite of not seeing him, I'd gotten updates on this patient family from nurses I work with. I called the patient's spouse and asked if I could stop in the following day. The spouse informed me that the patient wasn't looking so good, and they were unsure if the patient would be around much longer. In my mind, I felt that the spouse was probably just being paranoid, but I still encouraged them to reach out to a nurse if they felt that the patient was declining. The spouse said that the nurse had been contacted, and actually arrived shortly after we got on the phone.

I penciled in that patient, making a note to stop in the following day, sure they'd still be alive. An hour later, we got word that the patient did, in fact, die. And I don't know why that moved me, but it did. I was sure that the patient was alive. I mean, sure the spouse said that it didn't look like the patient would make it, but that wasn't right, right?!

I've had so many patients die lately. Don't get me wrong, I know that this is the game. They literally come to us to die. My patient's daughter early in the day told me that my organization came highly recommended from the hospital social worker, and that meant a lot to me. To be part of a team widely recognized for professionalism and comfort during the worst times in people's lives. There is no doubt in my mind that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. But just- I dunno. So many deaths. So many times where I barely get to say hello, and before I look up, they're gone.

It's not just about dead bodies either. I mean, yeah, depending on what's going on, dead bodies can be part of it. Matter of fact, I asked my coworker to allow me to be near a dead body so that I could get more comfortable with the idea. And minutes later, I was in the room with family members, who tearfully told their loved one goodbye. I seriously sat in a room with a dead body, and I didn't collapse. That was my first (and only) time since Ali passed that I'd just been casually sitting around a dead body.

Coincidentally, I'm even currently watching Bojack Horseman, and one of my favorite episodes, one that features a dream sequence with all of the characters that died on the show. Tonight will definitely be an orange noise kind of night. So many cycles.