The Angels Be Knowing- Learning to Let Them Lead

I've learned to be quiet about my celibacy. My girlfriends all know, but I'm pretty tightlipped about it, to most men. I've noticed that with most men, if I mention that I've been a year and a half without sex, they immediately offer up their services. Ew. Or worse, they'll pretend to be Prince Charming, just long enough to smash. The last thing I want is a man using my spiritual journey as a moment to prey on me. So I play it close to the chest.

I've come close a few times. FAMM came by my home a few weeks back, and I cannot lie, he was looking good and smelling good. We made out. Honestly? I went from "absolutely not!" To a strong "let's just see what happens." And I'm grateful that he pulled a him and disappeared. Something greater than me is definitely keeping this celibacy streak going. I damned sure almost folded a few times.

But around February, I'd inboxed a guy on Facebook, after he posted pictures of himself in Antarctica. I originally contacted him because only days prior, I'd been looking online for available jobs on the forbidden continent, only to learn that social workers were not on the list. So seeing him mention it seemed perfect. I assured him early on that I didn't want anything flirtatious, I was just curious about the environment. He told me that he was glad to answer questions for me.

I liked him. I didn't even look at his pictures for the first few weeks. That's how disinterested I was in sex, that I seriously didn't even wonder what he looked like. But the more time went on, the more we seemed to vibe. I did eventually look at his pictures, only to realize that he was kind of hot. He actually favored FAMM. Dark skin, tall, nice body, full beard. Yummy. I looked forward to our chats and we would eventually spend our entire days messaging one another. He was a welcome distraction from work. I'd eventually ask to speak on the phone and he continued to to play me to the left, but messaging was always an option. We did eventually talk, but not much.

As time progressed, our messages got flirtier.  I was enamored with his intelligence, him being an astrophysicist and geologist. He knew so much about various planets and the makeup of the universe. He could always answer questions about rocks and crystals, which I found fascinating. He'd done work with NASA. I started to tangle with the idea of a rendezvous. One of my favorite cities, Biloxi, was halfway between the two of us. I envisioned that we could get a hotel there, and make it official. But things were hitting wrong.

He never really identified a time he wanted to meet up. I work full time, with a child graduating high school, but I was still willing to meet in Biloxi. He's retired, and I know enough about his finances to know that financially, he could easily swing it. But the excuses persisted. I started to wonder if he intended to remain a pen pal, only hoping to string me along.

This afternoon, something told me to stand firm. I suggested to him that we suggest a date to meet up. To my surprised, he hit me with "don't start this" and other dismissive statements. He accused me of "disrupting his peace." I didn't need to be told twice. I blocked his ass expeditiously.

I regretted it almost immediately. Did I do the right thing? Did I overreact? Did he overreact? It didn't make sense. It's been peaceful and light for the last 3 months, to the point that I got quite a few impressive pics from him, if you get what I'm saying. If I knew nothing else, I knew and still believe in my heart that he enjoyed having me around. I started to envision our fun beach weekend. And when I finally pressed for actual communication and a date to meet up, he flipped. I'm glad I knew not to send dirty pictures back. I'd considered flying to Houston, where he lives, but the only thing stopping me, was that I refused to make the first move. I needed him to either come to me, or meet me halfway. That line in the sand turned out to be a blessing.

I tried to make it make sense it, but it didn't. I didn't want to wrap my mind around the nerdy guy being a fuccboi, accusing me of disrupting his peace, all because I wanted to hold some firm boundaries and make sure that he had actual intentions. I sent copies of the text interactions to all of my close friends, those I'd giddily told about him over the last 3 months. The good is that they were just as confused as I was. They all thought he'd lost his cool over nothing but they also felt that I'd clearly dodged a bullet, although I'd struggled to see it.

But then- I remembered. I know someone who knows someone. The world is a small place. Let's just say that it seems that he'd been a heck of a lot more active than he'd let on. While I was trying to nail down some time to get things cracking, it seems that he's already been bending backs.

My, oh my. I knew it was them. I felt them. Yet again, my angels saw me about to walk head-first into some mess and they pulled my ass out by the skin of my teeth. They knew. They knew he was in the streets and they knew that he wasn't physically or emotionally safe for me. Something in my spirit told me to press the issue earlier today, an inkling I'd never gotten before. Something in me would not rest, until I pressed for more, and the second I did, he folded. The real him came out. And my first instinct was to block, even though I didn't want to. And the more details unfolded, the more it turned out that the block button was the right move afterall.

At the end of last year, I was again faced with learning that my angels took away a man I'd previously loved. I had no access to that man, because of divine intervention, and by the time we had proximity, he was no longer a danger to me. That was no coincidence. 

So here I am. Processing. Old Malika would have fought and begged for more. I would have tried to overexplain and ask questions, and settled for some semblance of a crumb of hope, to keep this danger in my life. But this Malika? Her nervous system has reset and she's learning to fall back and trust the spirits. Clearly, they know what they are doing.