Divine Timing

I'm still processing from yesterday. I'm unpacking how a man who seemed so perfect from afar, pretty much imploded the second I put forth a boundary about what I needed. I can't put out any information about why I know what I know about him. I gotta protect my co-conspirator. But what really hits me is how much this all fell apart perfectly. A few weeks back, something in my spirit kept telling me that I needed to ask him about some things. I figured that asking at the moment was futile, because we'd never met personally, and I was possibly putting the cart before the horse. But that nagging feeling knew that I needed answers. And once he had his lil tantrum, all of his dirt came out in the wash.

Which brings me to today. I'm so grateful to be able to wake up whenever I want. No rushing to take my son to school or his intern site. I'm free! Anyway, I stirred this morning, when I heard the garbage truck rolling down my street. At that exact same time, Pumpkin heard the truck too, and he hurried to take our full bin to the street in time for collection. I was glad and a bit marveled at how perfectly that timed up. 

Moments later, I looked my window, and saw my neighbor outside, taking down the last remnants of my chain link fence in front of my house. I've hated that stupid fence since I got here. It's rusted and keeps me from neatly cutting my grass by it. I'd resigned myself to its presence, a sign of the times when my neighborhood was not nearly as safe, not the gentrifying neighborhood that it currently is (my neighbors are white on either side and across the street). I'd figured that I'd have to eventually hire someone to remove it, I'd just lacked the time and desire to get it done, until I'd looked online and learned that I could grab some pliers and start slowly untying it, and pull it down myself. I'd gotten roughly 75% of the fence down and rolled up. My neighbor saw the mess I'd started and agreed to help me cut down the last of the fence.

Then I would be stuck with getting rid of the metal parts of the fence. I was told that I could an ad up, informing scrappers that I had metal they could take, but I didn't want random people all showing up at my house and I didn't want to put my address online. I would also need someone who could cut or pull those last stakes from the fence out of the ground. I figured I'd cross that bridge when I got to it.

I got up when I saw my neighbor cutting out the last of that eyesore. Finally! I can cut my grass and no longer be interrupted by that stupid fence. I threw on sweats and walked outside, where I saw that my neighbor had cut down and rolled up the last of it. And almost magically, just as he'd finished, a junkman literally pulled up and helped to load it up. I thanked him immensely, amazed at how he'd seemed to pull up with almost immaculate timing. I told him that I also had some 30 foot poles from the fence in the back, that he'd need to cut down if he wanted them. He took them as well. I then told him that he could also have the 6 poles that were in the ground. He went and produced a saw that he was able to use to pull out all of the metal poles.

I was grateful for the man who took that eyesore off of my hands. But I couldn't help but notice his timing. What are the odds that a man looking for scrap metal would literally drive past my home just the second that my fence was ready to be rolled up, and we were outside to give instructions? And he also had the tools to take down the last of the posts. 

I felt there was a lesson in this, and the lesson extends from yesterday. As I woke up with further thoughts about what the hell happened in that moment, my angels again reminded me of how they're right on time. Because again with zero intervention on my part, the exact right person showed up exactly when I needed them.

I gotta remember to sit back and be grateful.

The Angels Be Knowing- Learning to Let Them Lead

I've learned to be quiet about my celibacy. My girlfriends all know, but I'm pretty tightlipped about it to most men. I've noticed that with most men, if I mention that I've been a year and a half without sex, they immediately offer up their services. Ew. Or worse, they'll pretend to be Prince Charming, just long enough to smash. The last thing I want is a man using my spiritual journey as a moment to prey on me. So I play it close to the chest.

I've come close a few times. FAMM came by my home a few weeks back, and I cannot lie, he was looking good and smelling good. We made out. Honestly? I went from "absolutely not!" To a strong "let's just see what happens." And I'm grateful that he pulled a him and disappeared. Something greater than me is definitely keeping this celibacy streak going. I damned sure almost folded a few times.

But around February, I'd inboxed a guy on Facebook, after he posted pictures of himself in Antarctica. I originally contacted him because only days prior, I'd been looking online for available jobs on the forbidden continent, only to learn that social workers were not on the list. So seeing him mention it seemed perfect. I assured him early on that I didn't want anything flirtatious, I was just curious about the environment. He told me that he was glad to answer questions for me.

I liked him. I didn't even look at his pictures for the first few weeks. That's how disinterested I was in sex, that I seriously didn't even wonder what he looked like. But the more time went on, the more we seemed to vibe. I did eventually look at his pictures, only to realize that he was kind of hot. He actually favored FAMM. Dark skin, tall, nice body, full beard. Yummy. I looked forward to our chats and we would eventually spend our entire days messaging one another. He was a welcome distraction from work. I'd eventually ask to speak on the phone and he continued to to play me to the left, but messaging was always an option. We did eventually talk, but not much.

As time progressed, our messages got flirtier.  I was enamored with his intelligence, him being an astrophysicist and geologist. He knew so much about various planets and the makeup of the universe. He could always answer questions about rocks and crystals, which I found fascinating. He'd done work with NASA. I started to tangle with the idea of a rendezvous. One of my favorite cities, Biloxi, was halfway between the two of us. I envisioned that we could get a hotel there, and make it official. But things were hitting wrong.

He never really identified a time he wanted to meet up. I work full time, with a child graduating high school, but I was still willing to meet in Biloxi. He's retired, and I know enough about his finances to know that financially, he could easily swing it. But the excuses persisted. I started to wonder if he intended to remain a pen pal, only hoping to string me along.

This afternoon, something told me to stand firm. I suggested to him that we suggest a date to meet up. To my surprised, he hit me with "don't start" and other dismissive statements. He accused me of "disrupting his peace." I didn't need to be told twice. I blocked his ass expeditiously.

I regretted it almost immediately. Did I do the right thing? Did I overreact? Did he overreact? It didn't make sense. It's been peaceful and light for the last 3 months, to the point that I got quite a few impressive pics from him, if you get what I'm saying. If I knew nothing else, I knew and still believe in my heart that he enjoyed having me around. I started to envision our fun beach weekend. And when I finally pressed for actual communication and a date to meet up, he flipped. I'm glad I knew not to send dirty pictures back. I'd considered flying to Houston, where he lives, but the only thing stopping me, was that I refused to make the first move. I needed him to either come to me, or meet me halfway. That line in the sand turned out to be a blessing.

I tried to make it make sense it, but it didn't. I didn't want to wrap my mind around the nerdy guy being a fuccboi, accusing me of disrupting his peace, all because I wanted to hold some firm boundaries and make sure that he had actual intentions. I sent copies of the text interactions to all of my close friends, those I'd giddily told about him over the last 3 months. The good is that they were just as confused as I was. They all thought he'd lost his cool over nothing but they also felt that I'd clearly dodged a bullet, although I'd struggled to see it.

But then- I remembered. I know someone who knows someone. The world is a small place. Let's just say that it seems that he'd been a heck of a lot more active than he'd let on. While I was trying to nail down some time to get things cracking, it seems that he's already been bending backs.

My, oh my. I knew it was them. I felt them. Yet again, my angels saw me about to walk head-first into some mess and they pulled my ass out by the skin of my teeth. They knew. They knew he was in the streets and they knew that he wasn't physically or emotionally safe for me. Something in my spirit told me to press the issue earlier today, an inkling I'd never gotten before. Something in me would not rest, until I pressed for more, and the second I did, he folded. The real him came out. And my first instinct was to block, even though I didn't want to. And the more details unfolded, the more it turned out that the block button was the right move afterall.

At the end of last year, I was again faced with learning that my angels took away a man I'd previously loved. I had no access to that man, because of divine intervention, and by the time we had proximity, he was no longer a danger to me. That was no coincidence. 

So here I am. Processing. Old Malika would have fought and begged for more. I would have tried to overexplain and ask questions, and settled for some semblance of a crumb of hope, to keep this danger in my life. But this Malika? Her nervous system has reset and she's learning to fall back and trust the spirits. Clearly, they know what they are doing.