Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Searching For the Bright Spot

Smh. I'm in trouble. This time, it honestly wasn't my fault. Granted, I could have and should have done things differently, but I didn't do anything bad or malicious. I just ended up putting myself in a position to be fucked over majorly. This is some bull. I was hopeful initially. Then it fell into anger and rage. I swear, its like I'm going through the stages of grief or something. As I often do as a last resort, I called my father. He told me to look for the bright spot and know and do better next time.
All I could think was "easy for him to say," but then I thought about it. He was right. *sigh* I gotta take this one on the chin.

What would have been a really crappy position for me to be in, encouraged me to look around, and save my own neck, before things got bad. And then lo and behold, a wonderful opportunity opened up that I wouldn't have thought to look for otherwise. I don't think y'all understand how much I freaking hate it when my father is right. So now, I gotta regroup and plan.

I'm going to take advantage of what is in front of me. Yes, I'm being cryptic and I kind of hate cryptic posts, because they reek of "look at me and ask me how I'm doing!" but this isn't one. I've just learned to keep my business to myself. I come here to vent away, so here I am. But I need to get on it. I spent the last day and a half wondering what my next move would be and now the wheels are in motion. Here's to hoping for the best.

Friday, August 11, 2017

It Finally Hit Me

I swear I feel so old lately. I'm sitting here at work in my khaki shorts and sweater (because I work in a building that feels like the Arctic Circle in the middle of August), combing an Anthropologie catalog. I've been on my reflective/old lady ish lately. I'm surprised how much I'm enjoying this. I'm enjoying this subdued life. I think its because I did so much when I was younger, and had so much energy, that I'm more than okay just sitting home and just being.

Yeah, I compared myself to Maya Angelou. What of it?! Anyway, I found myself in my head (yes, AGAIN!) the other day. This one wasn't about Pete though. Well, not as much anyway. I started reflecting on my journey. I mean seriously, it's been a hell of a ride so far. Between my education, my diverse friends, my rambunctious son, the many lovers and loves I've had. My journey has been pretty effing fun. That's when it really freaking it me- none of this would have happened if I'd stayed with my ex, David. Holy shit!

All that time begging, pleading, planning, being mad, hurt, angry, et cetera, et cetera! The woman that I am, the strength, the wisdom, the understanding, the compassion, the bullshit meter, it all came from loving and being let go by the wrong damned man! Like, I'm legitimately THA SHIT because I went through that. I never would have imagined 12 years ago, when I was at my breaking point, that I'd look up and be this wonderful confident woman that I am!! I have so much peace and insight into my life!

I look at who and what I'd be if I was still with him. I look at the opportunities I would have missed out on. So maybe, just maybe, things really do work out for the best in the end. At least they did for me!

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Real Love- I Get It Now

So while I don't consider myself "dating" at the moment, I consider myself open to the idea of it. I chatted with a cohort today about a bit of a snag I encountered recently. A gentleman caller and I have been sniffing around one another lately, and he asked me for a favor that I could have easily come through on. I took a moment to consider, but after some deliberation, I declined. I lied to alleviate him expecting me to come through on it. I felt horrible lying, but I realized that in far too many relationships in the past, I started a precedent of being a savior. I'm no longer pulling that shit.

I talked to a female cohort about the situation. Initially she urged me to pull through on the favor, but once I explained my grand lesson of not doing too much too soon, she understood. We both then lamented on our pasts of being superwoman to men that didn't deserve such behavior. As often happens in most conversations about relationships these days, I took it back to Peter. While she said that she still feels that her "one" is out there, I told her that quite honestly, I'd be okay being single a lot longer.

I told her that my time with Pete wasn't about hugs and kisses. It was about how he made me feel. This evening, as I drove home thinking about him, it really hit me- I loved him truly. It wasn't about me being hooked on how good he was in bed. We only got close to having sex once. Our schedules never quite synced up. He wasn't calling me for quickies. We'd agreed that whenever we did link up for coffee, if we got it in, cool. If not, cool too. We never got to have coffee though. Quite honestly, Pete was the first man I'd ever fallen this hard for, who I can say that I never had sex with. Hell, we only even kissed once.

Still, it hit me. I loved how he made me feel. How he hit my spirit. I loved and adored that man, even having never slept with him. He came to see me at work, with that beautiful smile. And he'd sit down across from me and our laughs would fill the hall we shared. And we never got physical. We uttered the words "I love you" but never had sex.

Tonight, in my car, as I shed tears, it occurred to me that the reason I hold him in such high regard is that he was the only man I've ever loved without the manipulation of sex. Our love was real because it wasn't physical. It was spiritual. It wasn't about the urges. Its about how it hits your heart and strikes you. That was when I realized that the next man I love has to be amazing. Wack pickup lines won't do. Dicking me down won't matter. If his soul doesn't speak to mine, then I'd rather wait for the person who will. Pete was the man who taught me what real love feels like. Thank you, Peter.