So while I don't consider myself "dating" at the moment, I consider myself open to the idea of it. I chatted with a cohort today about a bit of a snag I encountered recently. A gentleman caller and I have been sniffing around one another lately, and he asked me for a favor that I could have easily come through on. I took a moment to consider, but after some deliberation, I declined. I lied to alleviate him expecting me to come through on it. I felt horrible lying, but I realized that in far too many relationships in the past, I started a precedent of being a savior. I'm no longer pulling that shit.
I talked to a female cohort about the situation. Initially she urged me to pull through on the favor, but once I explained my grand lesson of not doing too much too soon, she understood. We both then lamented on our pasts of being superwoman to men that didn't deserve such behavior. As often happens in most conversations about relationships these days, I took it back to Peter. While she said that she still feels that her "one" is out there, I told her that quite honestly, I'd be okay being single a lot longer.
I told her that my time with Pete wasn't about hugs and kisses. It was about how he made me feel. This evening, as I drove home thinking about him, it really hit me- I loved him truly. It wasn't about me being hooked on how good he was in bed. We only got close to having sex once. Our schedules never quite synced up. He wasn't calling me for quickies. We'd agreed that whenever we did link up for coffee, if we got it in, cool. If not, cool too. We never got to have coffee though. Quite honestly, Pete was the first man I'd ever fallen this hard for, who I can say that I never had sex with. Hell, we only even kissed once.
Still, it hit me. I loved how he made me feel. How he hit my spirit. I loved and adored that man, even having never slept with him. He came to see me at work, with that beautiful smile. And he'd sit down across from me and our laughs would fill the hall we shared. And we never got physical. We uttered the words "I love you" but never had sex.
Tonight, in my car, as I shed tears, it occurred to me that the reason I hold him in such high regard is that he was the only man I've ever loved without the manipulation of sex. Our love was real because it wasn't physical. It was spiritual. It wasn't about the urges. Its about how it hits your heart and strikes you. That was when I realized that the next man I love has to be amazing. Wack pickup lines won't do. Dicking me down won't matter. If his soul doesn't speak to mine, then I'd rather wait for the person who will. Pete was the man who taught me what real love feels like. Thank you, Peter.