I'm such a gemini. In the same breath that I can say I love my son's father, I can say that I hate him. The fact of the matter is that before I got with him, I was with my ex for 10 years. Between my 3 years with the man who is my best friend 50% of the time (that would be Caleb's daddy) and my ex, what I've come to see is that I'm truly okay being alone. Many of my girlfriends tell me not to give up on the prospect of being with pookie, but its relieving and freeing for me to not feel it necessary to fight for something that may or may not meant to be. God only knows how hard I tried to fight to hold on to my ex, and (thankfully) we see how that turned out. And after my ex, I got with another man that I tried desperately to make things work with. So far, we've managed to become friends and to have a wonderful child. Truthfully, I'm okay with the progress we've made. Yes we stumble, but as parents and as friends, we are a constant work in progress.
So anyway, to throw a wrench into my constantly trying to be a mature person, my ex's crazy baby mama has popped back up. This chick calling me at this point is laughable. I truly don't want my ex. I've moved on with my life, I have a child with another man, I live with said man, I've graduated college. My goals and my future are all focused around my son. So what does this tacky skeezer want? Same shit, different day. Dude is messing around, she's pissed and she wants sympathy from and drama with me. This crazy ho even had the nerve to tell me that she'd screwed her man's best friend in an attempt to make him leave, but he stayed with her which showed how dedicated he is to her (WTF?! where I come from, that makes you a HO, not someone's main chick, but I digress). Stupidly for the first day, I argued back. I told my big sis about it, and big sis went to town on it. For yall that don't know, my big sister is the original "pit bull in a skirt." Yeah, we'd had our issues in the past, but my Cousin's passing brought me and my sisters back together. But anyway, my sis lit her up. Sis reminded her of what a dumbass loser she is and my sis also reminded the baby mama that she's been babysitting this dude for the last 13 years and that nobody wanted him but her. We also had to remind her that if dude hasn't married her after 13 years and a kid, he sure as hell isn't going to. My sister said a bunch of other mean things to her, but the crazy bitch isn't even worth me repeating it. Since saying what needed to be said, my sis has pretty much blocked her and ignored her. My sister and I are truly bonding over the experience of putting this silly slut in per place.
Moving on, this whole thing has made me truly see what a peaceful place I'm in spiritually and mentally. Its such an awesome feeling to know that I'm not waiting for someone to drop down on one knee. Somedays, I truly don't even think that I want to be married. In my heart I now realize that if it isn't good love, it isn't worth it. If you have to call and argue with other women, if you have to scrutinize someone's every move, if you spend over a decade together and you still aren't getting along, its not love, it's a fucked up relationship. It's co-dependency. It's sad. It's pathetic.
Today, while riding in the car, one of my favorite songs came on, the song "Wait for Love" by Luther Vandross. Its amazing how I'd ignored this song as it played on the slow oldies stations for many years, but one day, its chorus caught me and I realized how truthful Luther was being.
"I never stopped believing
there could one day be a chance
for me to
Get the love that I've been missing
Sometimes love takes a long time
But, wait for love and you're gonna get the
Chance to love - wait for love, wait for love"
In his infinite wisdom, Luther was dead on. Its time to stop rushing it and let it find you. Learn to be happy alone and stop letting a man define you. Today while I was in the car jamming to Luther and expounding on my own greatness, I saw a motorcycle ahead of me. A motorcycle wreck is how Jarronn died. That motorcycle reminded me of the love that Jarronn had for Jessica. My eyes watered when looking at it. I really miss my cousin. But I think that seeing that motorcycle while listening to that particular song, was Jarronn's way of reminding me that love doesn't hurt and there's no need to hurry along what is supposed to be a beautiful process. By the way, Jessica has been writing a blog to chronicle her time since Jarronn's loss. I recommend it, highly. You can find it at www.jessicaliving.blogspot.com she's been posting daily so far. Its really inspirational.
I love knowing that I'm happy in my own skin and that I'm glad to be ready to get and land on my feet so I can live alone again and get to spend time alone with Malika to rediscover her since she's grown up so much recently. I love the progress I've made as a friend, a mother, a lover, a writer, and a fighter. Yay me.