Thursday, December 31, 2009
* Blood doesn't make family, love makes a family
* I can say all kinds of crap about my baby daddy, but I will fuck anyone up that says anything bad about him.
* Motherhood is the best thing to ever happen to me.
* I don't know if I'll ever get married, and I don't know if I want to.
* The more die hard a Christian a person claims to be, the less I trust them.
* It's dangerous to have outside people in your relationship.
* I really am better off without my mother and sisters.
* I love myself more and more every day.
* Anybody that expects me not to love myself doesn't deserve to be near me.
* Love isn't as pretty as many people think it is.
* Anyone that Googles me to find my blog and yet claims to hate me and comes on here to start shit, needs pity and prayer.
* My stalker can pretend all day that it is I that stalks her, but she and I both know the truth. Hopefully in the new year her balls will drop and she'll move on with her life. Anyway, I've learned how sad and lonely she truly is.
* My immediate family may be fucked up, but I've got the dopest cousins, uncles and aunts.
* A good haircut really can change your look and how you feel about yourself.
* Lip gloss and earrings can complete the simplest outfit.
* Just because you fall in love doesn't mean they'll love you back.
* It doesn't matter how loyal you are, that doesn't mean you'll get it back.
* Just because you have a small tiff with one of your friends, it doesn't mean you have to swear them off forever. Sometimes people are just blowing off steam.
* I'm a really good writer and if I work hard at it, I can go far.
* My son may not talk a lot, but he's a little genius.
* Facebook isn't private, no matter what your settings are.
* I may not be a traditional mother, but I'm a pretty good mother.
* I'm a better mother than I had, and although she'd never admit it, I know it in my heart and I'm quite proud of that.
* I'm my son's best friend, and I take that role quite seriously.
* Pookie's family is actually pretty dope and I'm really glad that they're in my son's life.
* My father may have all of the problems in the world, but he's still MY daddy.
* Sometimes you have to accept people and their flaws. No one is perfect.
* When someone gives you their best, feel honored. Never judge someone's best.
* Sometimes a kiss can make everything better.
* No matter what some bitter ass women will tell you, watching a son interact with his father is the greatest joy.
* There is no shame in needing help.
* Pookie may act hard core, but I know that he loves our son with all of his heart. And our son loves him back.
* There are very few feelings better than a job well done.
* College graduation is that much sweeter when your whole damned life, people called you stupid.
* If Pookie was ever seriously hurt, I don't know how I'd go on.
* My friends Courtney, Shaunnika and Tierinique are all I need for a successful girl's night out.
* He may not say it, but I know he loves me.
* Long hair is a bitch to take care of.
*Poverty taught me how to survive on next to nothing. So when I do start making money, I'll be able to stretch my dollars and save the way I normally would.
* It's damned near impossible for 2010 to be worse than 2009.
Happy New Year everyone! Thank you for following me and allowing me to get so much off of my chest! I love you ALL!!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
1) Within 5 years, I will be the top Black humor columnist in this country. After that, the goal is to be the top humor columnist in the country. I'm funny. Shut up, I am!! Yep, that's going to be me. I'm going to find a literary agent too. I know this is driving my hater crazy too! I'm already writing for two digital magazines, so next up is to get a regular column for a print magazine. And they will be funny too! Shut up, they will!!
2) My digital magazine will finally happen. Money is tight, but once I get the loot up, I'm going to get this cracking. Trust and believe, this is going to be big.
3) Jogging. I've tried exercising and I suck at it. I get all winded and sweaty. I've always wanted to be a runner though. And my best friend got me an mp3 player, so that's going to be my motivation to get my ass in gear. I'm not even trying to lose weight, although that would be an awesome side result.
4) Writing. I come to my blog to vent, but I need to practice my craft of writing more. Actually, I'm getting a lot better at it, but if I'm going to make humor my main goal, I've got to do more writing on it.
5) Taking better care of my health. I was diagnosed with a sickness a while ago and my whole life has changed because of it. If I'm not careful, I could get really sick or even die. Not trying to be morbid, but that's just what it is. I'm not scared though, I've just got to be careful.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
I pride myself on the unrelenting friendship that I give. Anyone that's ever been close to me will tell you that I'm one of the most loyal and ride or die people that you'll ever meet. I've lent (given) money, I've given countless rides, I've taken in 6 couch surfers over the years, I've taken a multitude of phone calls from friends crying about relationship issues, I've fed people, and I've pretty much been the kind of friend that I'd like to have.
The one thing I absolutely cannot and will not tolerate is betrayal. I've recently had to deal with betrayal from family, of all things. I can't say that I'm all that surprised, but yes, I am hurt. It's cool though. Sadly, my family hasn't been all that supportive of me throughout the years anyway but it's effed up when someone dies and folks come out of the wood works to apologize for being douchebags, only to turn around and continue being douchebags later. I can't say that I'm too hurt though, because every time I fall out with them, I turn around and see how loyal my true friends are. And although I'm not religious, I've got to admit that someone or something out there truly loves me, because I'm surrounded by some of the most incredible friends that a woman could hope for.
As a matter of fact, I recently hit up my friend Portia and asked her if I was overreacting in being pissed about the betrayal. She told me that I as absolutely justified and gave the example of how when my stalker (y'all know, the slutbag bitch that won't get a damned life) sent her a friend invite on Facebook, she promptly deleted it. I was absolutely floored. I'd had no idea that sleezy skeezer tried to buddy up to a friend of mine, but my homie squashed it before it even started. Now that is my HOMIE!! Portia didn't even call me and ask me what to do, she simply decided on her own that she wasn't going to buddy up with someone that I wasn't cool with. I honestly would have reacted the same way. The cool thing was that she didn't even find it necessary to tell me about it until now. She simply did right by me, and kept it moving.
The funny thing is that one of my betrayers is actually someone that I'd fallen out with before and only linked back up with recently. That person had the nerve to make some really fucked up comments about my son and I promptly put her ass on my "not to be fucked with" list. So for 2 years she called me, texted me, emailed me, and even tried to talk to relatives to get me to be cool with her again. My response was always the same- apologize for what you said about my kid. For 2 years, she refused to apologize. And for 2 years, I told her to kiss my ass.
I remember how once, a few days before Christmas, she hit me up and told me she wanted us to be cool. I demanded an apology for disrespecting my baby. She refused. I hung up. She called back and told me that a friend of hers had recently lost a relative, and she didn't want us to be strained. Again, I demanded an apology. Again, she refused. Again I hung up. She did eventually apologize. It's just sad that she had to miss so much of my son's life because of her own goddamned ego. And now she's doing this fucked up shit. I'm not surprised.
I have to admit, being the object of someone's hate isn't all that new for me. Hell, even getting text messages from the people that supposedly hate me, begging for a relationship with me isn't new. I just find it humorous that so many people seem to hate me so much, yet those same people are the ones that contact ME. If I'm such a bitch, leave me alone and let me live my life. There are far more people that love me for who and what I am, so if I'm a bitch, or childish, or whatever people want to call me, dammit, let me do me. I think that those same people that claim to hate me, underneath it all, understand what a wonderful friend I really am, and they know they're missing out. They really hate me because I've done good for them, they eventually fucked up, and I cut them off, so they're missing my friendship. Enter the misplaced hate. They hate me for moving on without them, and they hate me for doing good without their friendship. They should really hate themselves for missing out on me. I think they secretly do.
It's all good though. My son has over a dozen pretend aunts that love him more than he'll ever know. If pretend aunts are more loyal than his real aunts, that's good enough for us.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
p.s. gosh she's silly. she just sent me a LONG series of text messages saying that she got a loc of hair. a) that's not true, my hair is pretty healthy and i checked, all of my locs are in place. she's also threatening to call the police. sorry, no fear. no one comes into my home and cuts up the way she did. BWAHAHAHAHA!!! i'm getting stronger and stronger.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
I've come to accept that this is just a part of him that I sometimes have to deal with. So despite the fact that we've been pretty pissed at one another for the last few weeks, I called him while he was on the road with his job to let him know that our friends were coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. He actually replied with "cool," as if he looked forward to seeing his homeboy. So imagine my surprise when the day before Turkey Day, he tells me he wants to wake early to go visit his parents. I reminded him that we were expecting guests so we were going to be expected to cook a meal. He looked at me and said "why didn't you tell me they were coming?" *sigh* So we went back and forth, and he relented, since he was in fact, happy to see his homeboy.
Long story short, our friends weren't able to make it, but my nephew was here, and it was pretty cool despite the changes. Pookie knocked out the turkey and sweet potatoes, while I cooked the string bean casserole, macaroni & cheese, and gravy & dressing. It wasn't too bad, if I do say so myself. I'm proud of the fact that only thing that was premade was the rolls and cranberry sauce. Other than that, we prepped and cooked it all ourselves.
That night we stopped by our friends' home, and Pookie and I were glad that the boy was socializing with their daughter. Pumpkin has been speech delayed and he's only recently been open to playing with other children, so we relish in watching him interact with other kids. For a minute he was so anti-social, I was starting to think that he took after my older sister. Then it was off to Pookie's mom's house and we had a pretty good time with her as Pookie and his brother trash talked one another (as all brothers do) and watched sports with my nephew.
Next was off to Pookie's dad's house. I didn't really know what to expect from the whole ordeal, but we really had a nice time. He and I were blessed enough to bury the hatchet after he dealt with a death in his family as I also dealt with the loss of my cousin. (On a side note, I sometimes think that the purpose of Jarronn's death in my life was to bring me closer to family. I've reached out to cousins far more than I ever did before and my sisters and I have buried the hatchet on all of our old issues). Anyway, we talked and I found myself thinking "man, I've had him pegged wrong, he's actually alright." He was hospitable to us and I really felt like I was with family. We asked him to cut my son's hair, which I learned is quite and ordeal. He joked about how ghetto is was to cut the boy's hair at the Thanksgiving table. My son screamed bloody murder and I actually fought back tears as my son appeared to be begging for his life. I'm thankful that it was done though, because he really needed it. He's two now, but that was only his third haircut in his life.
So anyway, I'm not sure if he still reads my blogs, but I hope he does. Because this year was was what a Thanksgiving was supposed to feel like. I love my family.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Last week my cousin called me to ask if I'd be available to interview the group Pretty Ricky and unfortunately, I wasn't available. I thought that I'd ticked him off when I told him that I couldn't do it, but he called me again today to ask if I could do it. So I'm actually going to be interviewing Pretty Ricky this Tuesday! I've done a few celeb interviews on Lady Rerun's Radio Show, but this will be my first transcribed interview. I'm so excited.
It's crazy that none of these blessings would have fallen into my lap if I'd had a job. Actually, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be landing this government job soon (fingers crossed!) but I learned to utilize my time and my skills to further my career. My ultimate goal is to work for myself and the more exposure I get on various projects, the more contacts I make. So thank you world, for giving me the last few months to follow my heart and my dreams. This new job will help to fund more projects and help me to move that much further along. I hope that other unemployed people are able to take this time to make their dreams come true. Because I sure am.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
i need rest, i need to feel rejuvenated. thanksgiving will be here soon. a part of me is stoked, but a part of me just wants it to be over already. i don't even know why i've been blogging so much lately. i guess i just needed the release. no humor over here, too much stress for that. too many serious thoughts going through my head. too many unanswered questions. too many answers that i didn't like. why can't i be given the benefit of the doubt after all this time? when will my past stop affecting my future? *sigh*
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
My 29 years on this planet have been long, painful, and sweet. But despite it all, I think that I've come out okay. Of course I've got my stalkers and detractors, but that's because they're caught up in their own worthlessness and feelings of inadequacy. It's like I'm a magnet for mofos that made poor choices in life, so the only way they can regain any control is to mess up any feelings of peace and serenity that I get.
I should get a t-shirt that says "Friends Wanted- Crazy bitches need not apply." Now don't get me wrong, I do have some homies that are crazy bitches. But they're the good kind of crazy bitch. We all need a crazy bitch that will ride or die. The kind of home girl that would take the witness stand and lie her ass off for you. The kind of woman that when you're in the club and 4 or 5 chicks look like they want a piece of you, even though she knows she might get stomped out, she never leaves your side. I pride myself on being that kind of crazy bitch.
But then there's the OTHER kind of crazy bitch. The bitch that lies for no reason at all. The kind that wants to fuck your man first chance she gets. The one that will tell everyone that your man secretly want her, even though you all know that he's not checking for her wack ass. Those petty hoes that google you, and go onto your blog and make ignorant ass comments because they're so unhappy in their own miserable lives. Yep, crazy bitches.
It's all good though. Because I'm STILL great.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Its amazing how much things can change in a day. In a day children are created. In a day (or several) they are born. And one day, hopefully when the child is way old, they are then gone.
So many changes can encompass my life over the course of a day. I can go from content to pissed off to hurt to apathetic. All in less than a day. I need to work harder for my days to be more productive for me. The problem is that I'm waiting for enough days to pass until things are finally right. How many days will that be? I dunno, there have been so many.
Every day I watch him grow bigger and stronger. I love him so much. I want the world for him. And I'm going to give it to him.
Monday, November 2, 2009
So anyway, recently, I was invited to be a freelancer with a digital magazine. To say that I was excited about the chance is a vast understatement. I was thrilled. Me. Finally. A writer. And I'd even be paid for it. Not paid very much, but paid none the less. And then to make matters better I told my cousin, Ali, about my being a freelancer for the magazine and he basically told me that the woman that runs the magazine is a cousin of his and in effect, a cousin of mine. Ali also has a website that he then invited me to write for. Even better. Once again, I am a writer. Twice!
As much as I've enjoyed my chance to call myself a writer for the digital mag, I'm finding that if I ran my own digital magazine, I could do things differently. I'd handle business differently and the writing would be different. The whole format would be different. No love lost to the owner of the first mag, I'll still post for her. I just saw a bigger picture in my own vision. So I got together a mental team of the people that would help to make my mag pop off. So far, things are still in the planning stages, but I've got big plans. And I've got two homegirls already down to write. This is gonna be BIG yall!
This morning, I woke up thinking about my time in school. When I started off, I wanted to be an English/Journalism major. But then I changed my major to Business. I found that I didn't like Kennesaw's business program (no love lost to my alma mater) but I finally settled on Communications to get my degree in. How funny is it that all of that moving around caused me to come to the point where I'm ready to put together my own digital magazine? Of course the English course helped with the writing (Dr. Eva Benjamin, you are my IDOL thank you for the love at KSU!) , and the Business courses gave me a good grip on creativity (Ms. Wanda Benjamin, you ROCK!!- thanks for the love at Life University), marketing, and entrepreurship. Last the Communication degree has given me so much insight and input on media (Shouts to Birgit Wassmuth, the head of the Comm Dept at Kennesaw State University, Dr. Chuck Aust, and Dr. Richard Welch).
I can't lie, there were many days that I wanted to give up. It was impossible to get a full time job while I was in school in the middle of the week. Don't get me wrong, of course I did work some professional office jobs, but I spent plenty of time in retail too. I worked a few bookstores also since it correlated so much with my major of Comm. And I made some awesome friends while I was there. Now I'm able to utilize the skills I learned the whole time I was in school to make my education come full circle. How lucky am I?
Yes, this morning it dawned on me that everything that I went through, led me here. When I initially graduated back in May, I had no clue what I wanted to do. I was so desperate for a job, I wanted to do dang near anything and I even considered going back and getting a tech degree. Now here it is a few months later and the chips are stacking for me to do something that I love and to even make a decent living at it doing it. All of the networking that I've done and all of the friends that I've made have had me come here. The chips are stacking nicely. Thank you world.
p.s. to my haters. i got my first article published today. yay me!!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I actually arrived at Macy's before she did so I walked up the counter and said "Show me something nasty." The sales girls laughed at my bluntness.
My homegirl arrived shortly thereafter and I showed her the bras, panties, short skirts, and hosiery I thought would look nice on her. We looked through it for a while but my friend and I couldn't quite agree on what she should get.
I thought she'd look nice with a sexy lace bra and a skanty (skirt & panty combo) and garter set with some sexy thigh high stockings. My friend wasn't willing to go quite that far in her selection. Personally, I think that when it comes to sexy time with the hubby, there's nothing wrong with taking it to the next level. I wanted to punch my friend in the throat for saying that she's too big to wear the good stuff. She isn't big at all. But she still wanted something more tame.
I reminded her how much her hubby loved that she'd finally put on a few more pounds. I even suggested that perhaps they should take a day to go shopping together so she could know what he likes. She told me that she already knows what he likes, she just doesn't agree with it. The more I suggested that there's nothing wrong with looking like an S-L-U-T, the more she wanted the tamer stuff. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I'd brought my little munchkin and she'd brought her 3-year-old daughter so rather than me managing to say all of the naughty words that I'd normally say, I had to spell and whisper all of the fun words. Do you know how boring a conversation about sex is, when you have to spell out all of the dirty words?
Friday, October 16, 2009
We didn't get a tree last year, and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't heart broken about that. Last year all I'd wanted was a tree and to buy gifts for Pookie and Caleb. I wanted for them to run into the living room and light up at the sight of a beautiful tree and dozens of gifts. Long story short, it didn't happen. And this is the year to redeem myself and my idea of what Christmas is supposed to look like.
I've noticed the commercials that says that Kmart has layaway, and I got excited about that being our potential option for my little pumpkin to get his much deserved December 25th. But then I walked my butt through Kmart, only to discover that, well, Kmart sucks. Seriously, its overpriced, under lit, dirty, the customer service people there look like they're straight out of the prison mental ward and the toy section appears to have been organized into a system that was designed by blind monkeys with down syndrome. Sadly, I still had to leave Kmart open as an option. *sigh*
Anyway, despite what Pookie plans to do (or in his case, not do) this Christmas WILL happen. One woman offered to lend us her plastic tree. That's another option I'm going to have to leave open, since I've really got my heart set on a real tree. I remember the first year that my mother got a plastic tree, and needless to say, Malika the traditionalist wasn't too happy. One of my primary complaints was that the plastic tree lacked that pine smell that filled our home. My moms actually found a spray that smelled exactly like a pine tree. Strange. She did it to make my little spoiled behind happy though. My only other gripe about the plastic tree was that it didn't leave those dang needles in the carpet that would stab your bare feet months after Christmas was long gone. Ah, the memories.
So anyway, yesterday, my roommate's friend came over and brought his son who is about Caleb's age. I chatted it up with the father and asked if he was going to celebrate Christmas, and he told me that no, he wouldn't. I guess he read my expression and explained that he was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and that to him and his family, Christmas is just another day. Don't get me wrong, I respect a person's right to worship or not worship whoever and whatever they want. I'm a borderline atheist myself. But there was something about hearing this man say that he had no intentions of buying his son a bunch of crap on Christmas that made my heart a little heavy. I explained to him that it wasn't just the toys. It was the excitement of seeing the child light up at the sight of all those presents. Its hearing the Temptations Christmas cd playing in the background. Its about the excitement of wrapping those presents. But it just didn't phase him.
Honestly, last year was the first Christmas that I even considered myself to celebrate in 10 years. Once I'd decided to no longer call myself a Christian, I no longer felt it necessary. I wasn't getting along with my family, so I made up reasons to avoid them during the holidays. But once I gave birth to my 10 pound 9.2 ounce angel, I wanted Christmas again. For him. And for me. And for Pookie. We are a family after all. One of the greatest joys I have experienced was last year was when I got Pookie a comforter and sheet set for his bed. Its kind of funny how he always appears to be so unexcited, but for people that really know him, you know how to tell when he's happy. And he was overjoyed.
So this year, I'm going for overjoyed for Caleb and his father. I want a big tree that reeks of pine and needles that get caught in our feet. I want to see Pookie break his back to get our ginormous tree through our front door and I want to hear him curse as he tries to figure out how to get the stupid thing to stand up straight in the stand.
I want Caleb babbling in background as I peck his father on the lips and wish him a Merry Christmas. Jehovah's Witnesses just don't get it.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
And what did I get for my words of wisdom about not judging a man harshly based on his perceived finances? I got chickenheads asking me if we're married. Actually to quote them, they wanted to know if he'd "put a ring on it," suggesting that things couldn't be that good if we're not married. Despite my many issues with Pookie, I truly love him with all of my heart. Do I want to marry him? No. Do I want to marry anyone? NO.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
we discussed my time with david. i told him that i enjoy pissing off david's baby mama, because she no longer has the power to affect me, but i have so much power to piss her off. after all of the shit she did to me when i tried to be cool with her back in the day, i see no problem with me screwing with her head. my friend goes into this long tirade of how i'm not happy and she controls me, etc. my friend said that i've no longer got the same smile i used to. he claimed that i'm not loving. he said that the smile that was permanently spread across my face a few years ago is gone. i told him that now people have to work for my smile.
i tried to explain to him that no, i'm not the same weak, silly malika that was easily manipulated. before i had my son i gave so much of myself to so many people. i've let people crash on my couch, i've fed people, i've given people money. and in return when i was pregnant, broke and desperate, those same people gave their asses to kiss. so i built a wall. those of yall within my wall get to experience the silly and loving me that has always been there. everyone else can burn in hell. and i'm HAPPY with this progress. for the first time in my life i feel like i'm in control of my surroundings. for the first time in my life i've developed standards. i expect the people around me to be as loyal to me as i am to them. and i don't see a damned thing wrong with that.
so imagine how pissed i was when i explained myself and my "friend" kept twisting my words. i said to him that i'm happy, and he said to me, no you're not. and then i said "why can't you just be happy for me because i'm happy?" he replied with "i believe that you believe you're happy" which was another fucking slap in the face. he even went so far as to say that i'm not loving anymore, to which i took even more offense. i responded that i'm EXTREMELY loving that for the people i love, i'll take a bullet. he told me to make a loving statement. i said "deen is the best thing to ever happen to me" and he responded that wasn't a loving statement and that i should have said that my son is the best thing to ever happen to me. i responded that i tell my son all of the time that he's the most important thing in my world. under pressure i'd said deen since we had been talkin to him all night. the truth of the matter is that deen AND caleb are the center of my universe. my family is my reason for living. not loving, my ass.
i'm 29 years old, for the love of god. no body knows me better than me. there are plenty of people that don't know who and what they want and who and what they are. i'm not one of them. i was so emotionally drained when i left him last night. i was fuming the whole way home. i can't believe that i felt it necessary to defend my feelings. i got my friend's new number but i'm so pissed off after last night, i really don't know if i'm going to call him again. just because i'm not the same happy-go-lucky chick that he met some years ago, doesn't make me a robot. i've evolved. i got my ass kicked my life and i learned how to fight back. i'm happy being me. and anybody that doesn't like or believe my happiness can KICK ROCKS.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
I'M WAITING FOR YOUR ASS TO DIE!!!