Sunday, February 26, 2012
So with each day that passes, I settle more into singlehood. I remember a phone conversation I had with a girlfriend of mine where she and I caught up after a few months of being distant and explaining to her how much I enjoy being alone, as I painted my new apartment. Strangely, that was the moment where it occurred to me how much I really do love being single.
As I painted my wall a lovely shade of blue/grey I thought about how Pookie would never have let me paint. He would never have let me decorate or put my splash of color everywhere. He wouldn't have let me get the fish tank, and he damn sure wouldn't have let me get my cat, Drunky. I recently purchased my first solo bed, which is a lovely queen sized number that I purchased from Ikea. Strangely, it seems too big sometimes, but I love my bed. I love my bedroom. I love making solo decisions in my home.
So recently I had to stop in Home Depot to get more paint. I saw a man behind the counter. He was hot. Tall, dimples, well dressed, nice haircut. He turned around and nodded at me. I mouthed hello to him. We chatted casually and he told me his work hours and told me to come back and see him. I did. Of course I made sure that I wore make up and that my hair looked great. My bestie, Portia watched Pumpkin as I chatted up the stranger.
I remarked on how well dressed he was. He smiled and said that his daddy was a hustler and taught him to always look his best. He complemented my look and called me pretty. He told me his sign. I told him that I am a Gemini. I explained that as a woman and lover, I make sure to give my all to those that I love. Then he finished my sentence and explained that I go apeshit when someone does me wrong. We talked about child support and cops and I instinctively knew that he hated cops. He asked how I knew. I shrugged. It was like I'd known him forever. That's when I knew to ask him. I said "are you married?" and he casually responded with "yes." It was so casual. Even too casual. Married. Married? Damn. I think my balloon visually popped.
He asked if I was that upset about him being married. I didn't want to stroke his ego so I told him that no, I was just in thought about something else. Then he pulled out the pic of her and the kids. Naturally, she looked like a worn down housewife. So there was man that would look great on my arm that I could see myself bedding and fucking until the cows came home, but he happens to be married. He told me that his being married didn't have to mean that we couldn't do our thing. He said that we could be "friends." I explained to him that the last time I was "friends" with a married man, my kid was conceived and that I didn't want to go down that road again. I told him that I'm tired of sharing men and that I want to be a man's one and only. He responded that he understood and respected my desires.
That was a few days ago and truthfully, I do still think of him. Not him so much him, but the feeling I had before I learned he was married. That feeling of melting and giggling and sharing a moment with one other person. I just don't want to share those moments or a man with a third party.
So yeah, I am absolutely enjoying being single. The only men I'll open myself to are men that I feel a special connection to and men that are readily available to me. In the meantime, I'm loving who I am and where I'm at. Because I'm fucking awesome.
Monday, February 6, 2012
So I’ve made the foray into dating again. It’s been slow, but gradual. I don’t think I’m ready for anything serious, but I’d like someone around to at least cuddle with. There have been a few moderately promising interactions, but they’ve all been a bust. I’ve been so hesitant and nervous to date that it takes me forever and a day to decide if a guy is someone that I should begin to trust. And then, it seems to never fail, he does or says something stupid that leads me back to the drawing board.
The good thing is that I’m okay with it this time around. I guess its because I’ve been through the ringer so much that I’m hesitant to go falling in love anyway. For example, there is Eddie, a guy that I met at my homie’s party this summer. He was the deejay at the party and we took well to each other early on. I asked my friend if he was cool and my friend said that he couldn’t think of a single bad thing to say about Eddie. I wanted to pursue things then, but I was still living with Pookie and didn’t want to ruin things with him buy going for him when I wasn’t mentally or physically able to. Eddie and I stayed in touch with the occasional Facebook message about once a month, but I remained distant.
Once I was into my own place I hit him up and asked if he’d like to get together one day. We ended up getting sushi and had a pretty good time. We talked about music, kids, the past, the future, the whole bit.
A week afterward, he and I agreed to meet up at a club we both frequent to see our mutual friend. A girlfriend of mine happened to fall through after a horrible date she’d just been on. She was clearly pissed off and I tried my best to be there for her as she and I are both reentering the dating scene at the same time. My friend Sky joked with her about her date, as did I. But Eddie didn’t. As a matter of fact, he acted irritated every time she came around. Granted, my friend can come across as spoiled, but she’s a good friend of mine and I felt that the very least I could do was to listen to her and engage her as well. Hell, Eddie could have done the same damned thing.
Later, the communication that he and I had became more and more distant. I don’t know what happened, but I don’t really care. I tried a few times to text him and see how things were going and his responses got shorter and his text messages took longer and longer to get back to me. Old Malika would have tried hard to maintain contact with him and at least stay friends. But after another idiot that pissed me off recently made me realize that there isn’t much point in staying friends with everyone I come across. Truthfully, I know a lot of people and don’t feel the need to collect more.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- I’ve got enough friends. It’s true. Two of my best friends are women I’ve hung out with since middle school, nearly 20 years ago. So, this time around, there is no more hanging on for whatever reason. Simply put, I’ve got enough of my own problems, no need to hang on to someone elses’.