This Is What Thanksgiving Should Look Like

Goodness knows how much I love pookie. This man stresses me to no end, but I'd take a bullet for this asshole. However, one of my many gripes about him lies in the fact that I can say something to him like "you and I are invited to a friend's house for drinks this weekend" and he'll say okay, but when the time comes, he looks at me like I'm speaking Russian.
I've come to accept that this is just a part of him that I sometimes have to deal with. So despite the fact that we've been pretty pissed at one another for the last few weeks, I called him while he was on the road with his job to let him know that our friends were coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. He actually replied with "cool," as if he looked forward to seeing his homeboy. So imagine my surprise when the day before Turkey Day, he tells me he wants to wake early to go visit his parents. I reminded him that we were expecting guests so we were going to be expected to cook a meal. He looked at me and said "why didn't you tell me they were coming?" *sigh* So we went back and forth, and he relented, since he was in fact, happy to see his homeboy.
Long story short, our friends weren't able to make it, but my nephew was here, and it was pretty cool despite the changes. Pookie knocked out the turkey and sweet potatoes, while I cooked the string bean casserole, macaroni & cheese, and gravy & dressing. It wasn't too bad, if I do say so myself. I'm proud of the fact that only thing that was premade was the rolls and cranberry sauce. Other than that, we prepped and cooked it all ourselves.
That night we stopped by our friends' home, and Pookie and I were glad that the boy was socializing with their daughter. Pumpkin has been speech delayed and he's only recently been open to playing with other children, so we relish in watching him interact with other kids. For a minute he was so anti-social, I was starting to think that he took after my older sister. Then it was off to Pookie's mom's house and we had a pretty good time with her as Pookie and his brother trash talked one another (as all brothers do) and watched sports with my nephew.
Next was off to Pookie's dad's house. I didn't really know what to expect from the whole ordeal, but we really had a nice time. He and I were blessed enough to bury the hatchet after he dealt with a death in his family as I also dealt with the loss of my cousin. (On a side note, I sometimes think that the purpose of Jarronn's death in my life was to bring me closer to family. I've reached out to cousins far more than I ever did before and my sisters and I have buried the hatchet on all of our old issues). Anyway, we talked and I found myself thinking "man, I've had him pegged wrong, he's actually alright." He was hospitable to us and I really felt like I was with family. We asked him to cut my son's hair, which I learned is quite and ordeal. He joked about how ghetto is was to cut the boy's hair at the Thanksgiving table. My son screamed bloody murder and I actually fought back tears as my son appeared to be begging for his life. I'm thankful that it was done though, because he really needed it. He's two now, but that was only his third haircut in his life.
So anyway, I'm not sure if he still reads my blogs, but I hope he does. Because this year was was what a Thanksgiving was supposed to feel like. I love my family.

The Discussion of Death

Last night, on my way to girls' night in with the ladies, I started to have a thought. If my mother got as sick and unable to take care of herself as her mother did, would she want to come stay with me and/or my sisters, would she want to go into a home (and if so, which one?), or would she want to remain in her own home? While the question was fresh on my mind, I rang her phone, but she didn't answer, so I made a mental note to ask her later.

While with the ladies, I asked them if they too had had made arrangements, or if they at least had a clue what their parents final wishes would be. They all looked at me as if I had a touched on something that is supposed to remain unthought of. They all pretty much said "No!" in that way of suggesting that they had no intentions of discussing the demise of their parents.

Perhaps its the fact that we watched our mother watch her parents grow old, that let me and my sisters know that we should have a plan in the worst case scenario. I remember that Terri Schiavo case, and her parents' plea to keep her alive, and her husband's plea to pull the plug already. During that time, my mother and I had a casual conversation about in the case of either of us being in that state, we'd prefer to pull the plug. I pretty much said that if I was out for more than a couple of weeks, it was okay to let me go. Now that I have the little one here, I'd want them to give me more than just a few weeks to see if I'll make it, but I sure as hell don't want to be hooked up to a machine for years on end. I've always said that if I couldn't enjoy walking through the grass on a summer morning and feeling the fresh dew on my feet, then it was okay to let me go. I agree with my moms, none of that vegetable stuff for me. Let me go to meet my maker already.

So anyway, my girlfriends think it's too morbid to discuss the worst case scenario with their parents. Well of my girlfriends, one is an only child, so at least she won't have to fight with a sibling over arrangements, another has a sibling, but she's the more steady of the two, so she'd be in charge, another friend has a sister and they're both pretty stable, and then there's me with a sister in New York, a sister in Japan, and me in Atlanta. And mom is in Orlando, Florida. As diverse as my friends' situations are, we all NEED a plan.

Of the crew of homegirls, I'm the youngest at 29, but the oldest is 31, so realistically, we're all dealing with aging parents. They may not be elderly or using canes, yet, but we all know the time is coming. As a matter of fact one of my friends was complaining about throwing out her back 3 times. If she's throwing out her back at her age, imagine what kind of stuff our parents must be going through.

So anyway, I'm encouraging people to discuss things with their parents already. I know that many people don't like to think about their own mortality, but it's inevitable. We're going to die, it's a fact. Black people are especially bad about not making plans for the end. Loved ones need to know how you want your money divided, whether you want to be buried or cremated, and who gets what. So YES, I feel quite comfortable asking my mom about her final rest, it avoids conflict and speculation between me and my sisters down the road.

By the way, she told me that she wants to stay in her own home, with the occasional help of a nurse.

Young Hearts, Run Free! PLEASE!!

Today started out as pretty good day. I had my interview with Pretty Ricky this afternoon and they were so down to earth and relatable that I really had a great time. When I'm done with my interview, I'll post it here. Anyway, before I got there, I stopped in with my cousin and told him about a former classmate of mine that was trying to get her foot into the media field and he told me to have her give him a call.

So imagine my surprise when I called her to tell her that I could have a chance for her to get some experience and she sounded less than enthused and explains that she's got other things going on. I asked what and she said, plainly, that she'd getting married next week. Being that I'm not one to hold my tongue, I pretty much said "I support your decision, but don't do it." She told me that of all the people she's told, I was the only one that told her not to do it.

Its not that I don't like the guy. He's pretty nice. My concern was moreso for her. She's 22-years-old, still completing school, no children and got her whole life ahead of her. Why screw that up with marriage? Now I've said it before, I'm actually pro-marriage. However my multitude of bad relationships have led me to see a shipwreck a mile away, and I'd bet a kidney that this is one in the making. There is also the issue of them both residing in her mother's home and the fact that she's only known this guy for a year. The funny thing is that she said that them being together for a year showed that they should make it official. On the contrary, I see them being together for only a year suggests that they've still got more living and learning to do. Its not like they were high school sweethearts or anything.

Now on the contrary I actually know of two couples that got married at a young age, and years later, both couples are still together. But just like it was explained in the movie "He's Just Not That Into You," you don't base your life on those stories that you hear about when people beat the odds because those cases are rare exceptions to the rule. So while I'm happy that those young couples were able to make their marriages work, I sure wouldn't advise another young person to make the same leap.

I've got another friend that got married young and while she loves her husband and her children, she wonders how her life would have been if she'd had started a career pre-husband and children instead of post.

My final reason for telling my friend not to do it is that quite frankly, I'm not the same woman that I was when I was 22, and I'm proud to say that. There were men that I wanted to marry back then, that I wouldn't let hold the door for me now. I've matured and grown so much. And there's no guarantee that the men that I loved back then would have grown at the same rate, in the same direction. Twenty-two and twenty-nine may only be seven years apart, but they're a lifetime apart in terms of mental, professional, and emotional growth.

So anyway, I called my girlfriend back to continue our conversation and told her the same reason that I just told you, my reader, that she shouldn't get married. I could tell in her voice that she wasn't listening. So apparently, I'm the only friend she has that told her it's a bad idea. Most of her friends are young like her. She needs to surround herself with people that have had some real life experience.

Making Unemployment Work

Well, it isn't much of a secret, but I've been unemployed for a minute now. I graduated from Kennesaw State University in May of '09 with a degree in Communications and I've looked high and low for a good job to support me and and the boy. Of course Pookie has done a wonderful job of taking care of us, but Mama didn't raise no fool and I know that I've got to start making my own bread in case (God forbid) Pookie drops dead or finds some new chick to do naughty favors for him. I've interviewed at quite a few places and sent out countless resumes. I even cut short my vacation in Florida visiting my mom, just so I could interview for a job that I didn't even get. Nice.

The last few weeks have finally started to show my life some real direction and I couldn't be more proud of that. As I'd stated in an earlier post, I got my first article published for my cousin's website and I've published about 3 other articles since that one. Well, for the other website I write for, I got published there last week.

http://www.flaimahmy.com/2009/11/12/quick-and-inexpensive-tips-for-looking-your-best/

Last week my cousin called me to ask if I'd be available to interview the group Pretty Ricky and unfortunately, I wasn't available. I thought that I'd ticked him off when I told him that I couldn't do it, but he called me again today to ask if I could do it. So I'm actually going to be interviewing Pretty Ricky this Tuesday! I've done a few celeb interviews on Lady Rerun's Radio Show, but this will be my first transcribed interview. I'm so excited.

On top of that, last Thursday morning, Lady Rerun (I know her as Portia, my friend from elementary school) called me to ask whether I thought she'd be a good director for the Plus Teen USA Pageant. After weighing ying the pros and cons, I told her that I thought it would be a great opportunity and that if she did it, I'd love to help her. Well Portia ended up being the Regional Director, and Portia appointed me as the head of Georgia's recruiting and she and I are working together to put together the pageant. Actually, the pageant is a paying job. The funny thing is that I'd have done if for free. As a young girl that grew up being overweight and with low self esteem, I felt that this would be my chance to give back. When I was growing up, I'd often imagine that older and cooler me, would go back and tell younger and geekier me that things would be okay. This pageant will be my chance to do so.

It's crazy that none of these blessings would have fallen into my lap if I'd had a job. Actually, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be landing this government job soon (fingers crossed!) but I learned to utilize my time and my skills to further my career. My ultimate goal is to work for myself and the more exposure I get on various projects, the more contacts I make. So thank you world, for giving me the last few months to follow my heart and my dreams. This new job will help to fund more projects and help me to move that much further along. I hope that other unemployed people are able to take this time to make their dreams come true. Because I sure am.

Dating A Friend's Ex

I saw something about this earlier so I figured that I'd chime in on it also. There seems to be a steady rule out there that you don't date people that your friend has once been romantically associated with. For many, this rule is set in stone, and to go against it means that not only are you a crappy friend, you're also a complete skeezer. Like many other rules about social norms, I'm finding myself partly disagreeing on this one.

Now, I'll just say that if your best friend dated a man for five years and they talked at length about getting married, YES, he is, in fact, off limits. But what if your homegirl and some dude got it in on the regular for a month or two, but all they did was date and kick it? Is he still off limits? In my opinion, no. Most women that are moderately attractive have casually dated more men than we care to remember. If my homegirl thinks that she can find a potential true love match with someone that I casually dated, who am I to stop love and happiness? But I should also interject with the fact that it shouldn't be her linking up with a guy a week or two after he and I end things.

I guess I consider myself a bit of an expert on the issue since I've been on the "offending" side before. I was once out when I met a guy that wanted me. At the time I was dating someone, and I felt that he'd make an awesome bf for my homegirl at the time, so I told him that I couldn't get with him, but I'd link him with my homegirl. Every now and again while they were dating, he told me that he still wanted me, but I wasn't going to mess with my homie's dude. Eventually she and he parted ways, and my guy and I parted ways. Then she and I parted ways (for one reason or another). She and I had stopped talking for 6 months or so and I had no intention of speaking to her EVER again. He and I then hooked up briefly.

When she and I became friends again, I confessed to her what I'd done and she hit the roof. I even reminded her that we weren't cool at the time and it's not like I was waiting to get my claws on the guy. She eventually forgave me, but she was PISSED.

Now, in my world, I think it would be quite unfair to tell my girlfriends that every man that I've ever dated is off limits. Hell, that's half of Atlanta's Black men alone. So instead I have a short (but constant) list of men that I consider my exes- Armond, David, Sebastian, Pookie.

Armond is married and recently had a kid, so I don't have to worry about any of my friends hooking up with him. Then there's David. David is currently with that tacky ass whore, and that, I'd say is exactly what his trifling ass deserves. David actually once got pissed at me when he joked about me possibly hooking him up with a girlfriend of mine and I told him, no, because he was on "the list." What the hell would I look like hooking up my ex of 8 years with one of my homegirls? Moving on, Sebastian and I are actually like brother and sister now and he's got a girl, but if he got with one of my female friends, I'd be pretty okay with that. And then there's Pookie. Pookie is my son's father and I would NEVER be okay with ANY of my friends getting with him. Actually, Sebastian is the only one on the list that I'd be okay with dating my friends. That's only because our relationship is so platonic now, he really is like a big brother to me. With the other men, I'm constantly reminded of who and what we were.

To prove how okay I am with my friends dating my casual buddies, I offer this story. About 7 or 8 years ago I dated a guy that was an asshole. Actually, he wasn't an asshole but he and I were just alike. I mean just alike. We were both pretty sarcastic, but sensitive at the same time. We pissed eachother off like mad. But we were really drawn to one another. We never hooked up or anything, despite him wanting to. Anyway, we eventually parted ways. A year or two later, my friend confessed to me that she had gotten with him after he and I were over and that she'd gotten pregnant by him and aborted the baby. She was even kind of embarassed to tell me about it. I assured her that I didn't hold it against her and I still don't. My only question was how was the sex and she said that it wasn't worth mentioning, which I was glad to know that I didn't miss much. I hadn't thought about the guy in some years, so why would I get mad if my homegirl got with him?

So anyway, my point is that people shouldn't feel that they've got some kind of hold on anyone that they've ever exchanged phone numbers with. When you think about it logically, it makes perfect sense that a friend and a guy that you've dated could have a lot in common. People tend to hang out with friends that have similar mental characteristics, so it its only natural that an ex and a friend could have a potential connection. If you feel that your friend could have a love connection with some dude that you knew in passing, give them your blessing. The world needs more love. You've apparently moved on, so why can't they?

i can't sleep

i got my first (and second) article published this week. yay. other than that, this week has been pretty shitty. i really just want to crawl up into a ball and to be left the hell alone. i don't know if it was that ignorant cunt coming on my blog, this shit with that other chick, or me being pissed at old boy. i just want to sleep. but i can't. the crazy thing is that chloe and i actually could have been friends because we do have a lot in common, but she's so shady and such a liar that she can't be trusted. she's made it her mission to make my life hell, but all the while telling me how jealous she is and that she wants to be friends. huh? no thank you, i have enough problems.
i need rest, i need to feel rejuvenated. thanksgiving will be here soon. a part of me is stoked, but a part of me just wants it to be over already. i don't even know why i've been blogging so much lately. i guess i just needed the release. no humor over here, too much stress for that. too many serious thoughts going through my head. too many unanswered questions. too many answers that i didn't like. why can't i be given the benefit of the doubt after all this time? when will my past stop affecting my future? *sigh*

Dreams: Having Them and Living Them

Man, I'm so freaking sick of this mess. Everytime that evil ignorant ass skank pops up, I'm reminded of the past. And now its creeping into my dreams. My concious life is strange enough without visions of the past and alternate future sneaking into my unconcious life. I should be dreaming of the vacation i'm going to be taking pookie on, once I start this new job. I should be dreaming of how successful and happy my son would be. Or even having dreams about how dope my digital magazine will be (coming soon!! Look out for it in 2010!) No, instead I'm having dreams about my ex. What the fuck? I remember that he wanted to fuck me in the dream. But I don't really recall being all that excited about it. Its funny, if I wanted to see, talk to, or even fcuck that funky wack ass bastard, I'm sure that I could. But I wouldn't for a few reasons. 1) His dick has been in that nasty ass hoe, so I'm sure it'll be falling off any day now, both from disease and from the sheer terror of going where so so so so so many other men have gone before. 2) With my ex it was fucking, with Pookie, it's making love. Yeah, its freaky to a tee, but it's still making love.

I remember the first time that Pookie and I had sex and I remember the feeling of "this is what making love feels like." I remember how concerned he was and how much we kissed. I remember feeling blissful. Of course there was the awkwardness of the first time two people have sex, but even with that first time awkwardness, I still felt a huge difference. And I've been hooked on his soul ever since.

My cousin's recent death has had me thinking what I'd do if I lost Pookie. I think I'd be in a mental institution. The night after I got the news about my cousin, Pookie went out. I called him about 5 times that night only to make sure that he was okay. Sometimes he gets so irritated when I bug him to let me know that he's coming home. He's blessed enough to have never gotten the news that he'll never see his best friend again. I've had to live that nightmare twice. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Your stomach knots up, your heart races, your mouth gets dry, your mind leaves. You try to digest it that you'll never see your loved one again. Every time you hear a song or think about a certain moment, you cry at the drop of a hat. Pookie is lucky, even though his life hasn't been easy either.

Pookie has good dreams about good times.

I have dreams about dumbasses and I've lived a few nightmares.

Why Can't I Be Great?

The first time I read Kanye's rant on his blog stating "why can't I be great?" I, like the rest of the planet, wanted to strangle him. But the more I think about, the more true it is. It's like people want you to settle for mediocrity, just because that's what they're stuck with. But the moment you start to SHINE, folks want to tell you to sit down. Its's like they want you to feel guilty for being successful and happy.

My 29 years on this planet have been long, painful, and sweet. But despite it all, I think that I've come out okay. Of course I've got my stalkers and detractors, but that's because they're caught up in their own worthlessness and feelings of inadequacy. It's like I'm a magnet for mofos that made poor choices in life, so the only way they can regain any control is to mess up any feelings of peace and serenity that I get.

I should get a t-shirt that says "Friends Wanted- Crazy bitches need not apply." Now don't get me wrong, I do have some homies that are crazy bitches. But they're the good kind of crazy bitch. We all need a crazy bitch that will ride or die. The kind of home girl that would take the witness stand and lie her ass off for you. The kind of woman that when you're in the club and 4 or 5 chicks look like they want a piece of you, even though she knows she might get stomped out, she never leaves your side. I pride myself on being that kind of crazy bitch.

But then there's the OTHER kind of crazy bitch. The bitch that lies for no reason at all. The kind that wants to fuck your man first chance she gets. The one that will tell everyone that your man secretly want her, even though you all know that he's not checking for her wack ass. Those petty hoes that google you, and go onto your blog and make ignorant ass comments because they're so unhappy in their own miserable lives. Yep, crazy bitches.

It's all good though. Because I'm STILL great.

Days

Its amazing how much things can change in a day. In a day children are created. In a day (or several) they are born. And one day, hopefully when the child is way old, they are then gone.
So many changes can encompass my life over the course of a day. I can go from content to pissed off to hurt to apathetic. All in less than a day. I need to work harder for my days to be more productive for me. The problem is that I'm waiting for enough days to pass until things are finally right. How many days will that be? I dunno, there have been so many.
Every day I watch him grow bigger and stronger. I love him so much. I want the world for him. And I'm going to give it to him.
One day.

Falling

Yeah, I erased the other blogs. I put the blog about Erica some where else so they'll still see that when its googled. I took down the blog about that other cunt because frankly she doesn't deserve a whole freaking blog, she's not even worth it.

So anyway, recently, I was invited to be a freelancer with a digital magazine. To say that I was excited about the chance is a vast understatement. I was thrilled. Me. Finally. A writer. And I'd even be paid for it. Not paid very much, but paid none the less. And then to make matters better I told my cousin, Ali, about my being a freelancer for the magazine and he basically told me that the woman that runs the magazine is a cousin of his and in effect, a cousin of mine. Ali also has a website that he then invited me to write for. Even better. Once again, I am a writer. Twice!

As much as I've enjoyed my chance to call myself a writer for the digital mag, I'm finding that if I ran my own digital magazine, I could do things differently. I'd handle business differently and the writing would be different. The whole format would be different. No love lost to the owner of the first mag, I'll still post for her. I just saw a bigger picture in my own vision. So I got together a mental team of the people that would help to make my mag pop off. So far, things are still in the planning stages, but I've got big plans. And I've got two homegirls already down to write. This is gonna be BIG yall!

This morning, I woke up thinking about my time in school. When I started off, I wanted to be an English/Journalism major. But then I changed my major to Business. I found that I didn't like Kennesaw's business program (no love lost to my alma mater) but I finally settled on Communications to get my degree in. How funny is it that all of that moving around caused me to come to the point where I'm ready to put together my own digital magazine? Of course the English course helped with the writing (Dr. Eva Benjamin, you are my IDOL thank you for the love at KSU!) , and the Business courses gave me a good grip on creativity (Ms. Wanda Benjamin, you ROCK!!- thanks for the love at Life University), marketing, and entrepreurship. Last the Communication degree has given me so much insight and input on media (Shouts to Birgit Wassmuth, the head of the Comm Dept at Kennesaw State University, Dr. Chuck Aust, and Dr. Richard Welch).

I can't lie, there were many days that I wanted to give up. It was impossible to get a full time job while I was in school in the middle of the week. Don't get me wrong, of course I did work some professional office jobs, but I spent plenty of time in retail too. I worked a few bookstores also since it correlated so much with my major of Comm. And I made some awesome friends while I was there. Now I'm able to utilize the skills I learned the whole time I was in school to make my education come full circle. How lucky am I?

Yes, this morning it dawned on me that everything that I went through, led me here. When I initially graduated back in May, I had no clue what I wanted to do. I was so desperate for a job, I wanted to do dang near anything and I even considered going back and getting a tech degree. Now here it is a few months later and the chips are stacking for me to do something that I love and to even make a decent living at it doing it. All of the networking that I've done and all of the friends that I've made have had me come here. The chips are stacking nicely. Thank you world.

p.s. to my haters. i got my first article published today. yay me!!
http://kreativesouls.com/?p=2995