Monday, August 18, 2008

losing respect while maintaining respect for ourselves

i'm SO pissed off at a guy friend of mine. my roommate has been bringing his homegirl by lately, an ex of his. they've been doing their thing this summer while her kids were out of town, and now that the kids are back (they lived together with the kids at one point) she's leaned on him for more, and he's told her hell no. his exact quote "she knew what it was." he came to deen and i earlier and told us that if she came by the house to get some food she'd left (groceries for her children) we were not to let her in or give her the food until he gave the okay. i told him that honestly, as a mother (not to mention as a human being) i have a hard time telling a single working mother that she's not entitled to food, that she purchased, for her children. thankfully, a few minutes later my roommate told me that he'd talked to the woman and that she was cleared to pick up her food. i was glad to hear that because i really didn't want to be in a position to be so grimy to her. anyway, she came by the apartment this evening with him to get her food and she promptly left. the woman in me knew that she was holding back tears and i ran outside to chase her and offer her a ride home (she was getting on the train) and she kindly declined and asked me to call her later.
i came back inside to ask him what happened and he said that he guesses that she realized how much she missed him once the kids got home. she leaned on him to make things permanent, he told her no. i, being a woman that has had a number of sexual partners (i'm not a HO or anything, i'm just sayin') i've realized that the easiest way to keep things simple in this kind of situation is to not let things too close to begin with. both parties should call eachother when the "mood" strikes, and no other times. no "dates," no hanging out, no fancy dinners, no movies. you call eachother for sex, no more, no less. i explained to my friend that he knew in his heart that the woman was starting to feel him. she was at the apartment sometimes up to 3 or 4 times a week (not that we minded), they went out to eat, they went to dinner. so, in essence, they were dating. he started the arrangement by telling her that they were only sex buddies, but he erred in treating her as more. i'm not suggesting that he treat her like a prostitute and kick her out directly after sex, but when you start having people come by your apartment directly after work, even while you're gone, you're both starting to escalate.
i tried to explain to him where he went wrong in the agreement, by taking things to next level and not sticking by his own arrangement. i can see how he felt that she shouldn't have gotten attached when they agreed it would only be sex. but he went against the rules by treating her as his girlfriend, which is what escalated the situation. so in all honesty, they were both at fault. and the motherfucker sitting in front of me, was too much of a fucking hard head to even admit to his blame in the situation. i was irritated and extremely disappointed to see that this person that i at one point respected so much, had no remorse at all. NONE. that woman was going to go home and cry her eyes out (and i know because i've been there) and the bastard sitting in front of me doesn't even care. he was saying that due to their long dramatic past, he's seen the tears and he's seen her nut up, so why should he care about her feelings? all in all, the guy knew she was falling for him again, but to cut things off with her earlier would be to cut off his pussy supply. i even tried to explain to him how as a woman (especially as a single mother) we take so much shit off of men. when a woman gives herself to a man, (especially a man she loves) she's not only giving herself physically, she's also giving herself emotionally and spiritually. and there is nothing that hurts more than to give the most intimate parts of yourself to a man, only to have him toss you and your heart into the gutter like you never mattered. god knows i've been there. so here is another woman that has to pick up the pieces of her heart and life and try her best to move on. i can't even look this guy in the eye.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

i saw 90-year-old balls

i thought that working in a nursing home would be fun. deen gave me the idea to work at one close to our apartment. i went in there to fill out an application and was told that the qualification of living in the area alone might just get me in the door. for some stupid reason i thought "great i'm in the door." it was also great that i was considering going back to school, once i finally finish this degree, and going into nursing.
after interviewing (barely) i was told to come in to shadow another worker to see if this is the type of job i'd be interested in. "yay" i thought. "i'll LOVE this job." at 7 a.m. i arrived (damn, i hate mornings) and met the woman i was to follow. as we arrived in the first woman's room to wake her, i saw her feet sticking from under the covers, and all i could think was "please god, don't let her be dead." i saw her feet kick slightly and i was happier than a stripper after young jeezy walks into the club. but then we went into the next room, a man's. and the woman i shadowed (taishon) lifted him, stripped him down, took off his diaper (EW!), and helped him into the shower. and he stood there all old and wrinkly, with balls as big as all out doors. there is absolutely NO COMING BACK from something that traumatic. this will be my job. dear be honest, after the short 4 hours i spent in this place i found myself wondering if nursing is really what i want to do. i mean seriously, i want a career, not a job. but i don't want to be on my feet for the next 30 or 40 years until i retire. so now i'm also rethinking the possibility of nursing. i've decided that i'm just going to watch how things go for me at this job to determine if nursing is something that i really want to do.
on top of all the other stuff, this job really brought out the notion of mortality. i found myself thinking about myself at their age, my own mother at their age, my grand parents who were in the same shape as these people when they died. would i want to be here one day? would i want my mother to be here? don't get me wrong, in all seriousness, these people were very well taken care of by the staff. its just the old man balls/EW!/please-don't-let-them-die-on-my-shift/mortality thing that kind of freaks me out. in short, all of it. initially, i had a decent amount that i'm expecting to receive for this job. when i talked taishon, she explained that they will try to pay me less than i expected. so all of this AND i'll get paid less than i wanted. ain't this a bitch?

Thursday, August 14, 2008

women, let these dudes know: SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT!!!

many of my home girls are having the same problem. so many of them are wrapped up with guys that are making them crazy. they'll be with a guy and love him, nurture him, screw him, and spoil him for years and he STILL doesn't know who or what he wants. i'm giving all of my girls the same advice. tell him straight up: SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT. we give them too many choices. if my time with david taught me anything, its that women need to reclaim our power. in all aspects of nature the male animals fight with other males for the love, affection, and mating rights of the female. how did american women get that twisted? i learned after 10 years of giving david the best sex of his life, driving him around and spoiling his ass, i realized that we lived the life of a married couple, but he didn't want to commit fully. i told him that we needed to take the plunge and seriously progress things or it needed to end. and when i cut things off he called me, texted me, called my friends to ask about me, bought dvds that he knew i wanted and texted me to invite me to watch them with him. all of that, and his ass still wasn't trying to move it forward with me.
i hate myself for allowing that bastard to take so much from me spiritually, sexually, and emotionally. if that crap with him taught me nothing else, it taught me the importance of walking away when i need to. i walk away from men, friends, family. it doesn't matter.
but back to men. when women claim our sexuality we understand that we shouldn't give all of ourselves to any man. and once we do make that mistake, we need to be willing to leave. it amazed me how david was calling and texting ME. 10 years of calling me fat and unworthy and once i wanted to leave, he was begging me to stay. and i obviously made the wrong choice of falling back into dealing with him again. i should have left and STAYED gone. but i let him claim my power.
now on to deen. i love him. i do. and to say otherwise would be to lie. and after a few transgressions i've packed my shit, my son, and left. and i meant to stay gone. love or not, i was and am NOT going to be a victim again. he professed his love. he apologized and straightened up. i'll give a man all of the room in the world, but in the end when a woman really wants a man to do right, she needs to be willing to walk away and not look back. and once she leaves, he's either going to realize that he needs to straighten up or he's going to let her go because he didn't love her to begin with. but either way, women need to let these guys know that they can't have it all. they are either going to come home or stick with the skeezers out in the streets. (david picked the skeezer THANK GOD). i gained so much respect when kim porter left puffy. he came home and all of her crap was GONE. her, the twins, her clothes, shoes, toothbrushes, hairweaves, all GONE. and in an interview when asked about it, she explained that he's the kind of man that you have to show, not tell. and she showed him her ass. i want to shake her hand because of that.
so anyway ladies, i'm done. just remember yall, stop letting the guys call the shots. when you tell him its over (even if you don't plan for it to be so) , let it be over. no phone calls, no text messages, no nookie. we need to reclaim our power and stop letting these guys half ass us in relationships. would you want some dude like david to warm your bed for 10 years only to lie and play head games with you? i didn't think so.

Monday, August 11, 2008

despite the bruising, i survived my high school reunion

damn, has it really been 10 years? i knew that my 10 year high school reunion was coming, and they were going to really do it up. they rented the ball room at the w hotel at perimeter mall, they rented out a club, they met up at a lounge, they went to church AND they had a barbecue. say what you want about ghettofabulous southwest dekalb high school, my classmates did it up. i actually forgot about all of the other events but thankfully sunday my homegirl nicole reminded me about the picnic, the last event and she even volunteered to drive. part of me really didn't even want to come because after a slight altercation with someone a few days ago (DON'T EVEN ASK) i'm left with scratches all over my face and a hideous stye that (lucky me) appeared on my eye. if there is a god, he laughed his ass off at my misfortune. who doesn't simply dream of showing up to their reunion broke, still finishing their degree, with a face that screams "domestic abuse victim." (which, for the record, i'm not TRAVIS !!! lol)
as we approached all i could think was where did i fit in? i imagined seeing the pretty girls, the smart girls, the skinny girls, the rich girls, the popular girls, and then going to stand in a corner by myself. as nicole and i walked up, i swear i felt like people were looking at me as if i was an alien. i walked up to maxine (for some reason she's one of the smart, pretty, skinny, popular girls that became one of my dearest friends) and once she and i embraced, along with leah, who was sitting right next to her, the vultures (i mean pretty/skinny/rich/smart/popular girls) realized that i wasn't a crasher, just a fellow student they never so much as stopped to spit on, the mean-mugging stopped. before i got there, i imagined that the same bastards that picked on me mercilessly would be there to remind me of whatever stupid thing i used to do or say in 3rd or 4th period. but it wasn't like that. there were hugs. laughter. getting to know eachother's kids. holding conversations with people i never talked to before. we weren't kids. we were and are adults. some have degrees. some own businesses. some are married. and we came together and embraced. and it felt good. i was one of those people that said "why the hell would i want to see those assholes? screw them all." but i'm glad nicole brought me. it brought closure and clarity to the very strange period of life known as high school. i'm no longer malika, that awkward fat nerd. i'm malika, that pretty funny, sarcastic, smart, loving mother. i'm malika.
and i'm an adult.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

marriage based solely on love is STUPID

i've been thinking about the whole marriage thing lately. not to deen (my beloved, yet aloof live-in baby daddy) or anything, just in general. i think its so stupid when people are all "i love this person with all of my heart so i'm going to marry them, forget the fact that we're both broke, we're IN LOVE." that's the dumbest shit i've ever heard. marrying for love. what are you, stupid? i initially thought about when a woman should base her readiness to get married on. i came to these numbers:

50% love
50% business

and that's real talk. love is beautiful. but forget what you heard, love doesn't pay bills. georgia power company doesn't give a damned if a woman and her new husband make love for hours on end as long as the bill is paid. who the hell wants to be madly in love living in a card board box? if a woman is going to get married it should benefit her financially as well as emotionally. i'm not speaking as a gold digger. i'm speaking as a woman that has seen women not protect themselves monetarily so they end up supporting some broke bastard. if you get married ladies, make sure he's pulling in some loot. and if she is the bread winner, he needs to be home with the kids full time. if she's working and he isn't, there's no reason to spring for a nanny and a maid too. that's just bad business. so anyway, that brought me to what numbers a man should have in order to get married. so i decided on this:

33% love
33% business
33% trust

i know the trust thing is important for women too, but dudes tend to highly overlook how much they need to trust their future wife. assuming the man is the breadwinner, he needs to know that his woman is going to run for him. i realized how much deen trusts me when he gave me $700 cash to put into his account. gave me the account number and all. needless to say, i dropped it off without a hitch and i didn't hold on to the account number, but still. there are plenty of men that work hard to provide for the household and they trust the woman to take care of the money that he brings in. as a matter of fact, i've got a homeboy that gave his girl an amex and old girl ran up a bill of $4k in a month. he hit the roof, she agreed to pay him back (she didn't) and he had to take out a loan to pay the card off. and then he married her a few months ago. i was sick to my stomach when i learned he wifed her. and now she's pregnant. i seriously told him that i give it 5 years on the marriage. i think she's a great person, don't get me wrong. but you can't trust her on that level. and she's a bad business move. when a man is getting married, he needs to know that if he goes to jail his woman is going to put money on his books and work to get him the best lawyer possible. or if the man is in a car accident and paralyzed for the rest of his life, he needs his wife to be willing to lift his ass in and out of wheelchairs for the rest of his life. and we're not even going to talk about colostomy bags. yep, the future wifey should even be willing to change the colostomy bags. if a woman isn't going to try to pay back $4k she ran up getting her hair and nails done, will she be willing to change his shit out? what do you think?

when talking to my homeboy about the numbers, he suggested that for women i change it to:

40% love
40% business
20% trust

i have to agree with him on that. love and business are important, but trust is big for us also. the woman needs to know that dude isn't going to start screwing his 19-year-old secretary and stashing his money into offshore accounts, before withdrawing money from their joint account and leaving her penniless with 3 kids. cuz shit like that happens EVERY DAY. we need to follow our hearts, and get a man that's about money, but we need to know that he's not going to drop us when it benefits him to do so. so yeah, trust important also.

just remember, if you are stupid enough- i mean happy enough to decide to get married, just make sure you've dotted all your t's and crossed all your eyes. because if that person loves you with crossed eyes, you may have really found the right sucker- i mean mate. but seriously, be careful. the last thing youtube needs is another jilted ex. personally, i can't get enough of seeing people spout all the dirt on their exes, i'm just saying that youtube doesn't need anymore of them.