Monday, August 3, 2009

"Put a Ring On It"- SHUT THE F*CK UP!!!

Recently while making my local blog rounds, I came across a post on Bossip about first date nonos. Many women were saying how they hate it when men don't pay on the first date. I commented on how on me and Pookie's first date, we stopped at a gelato spot and I had to pay for our gelatos because the place we were at didn't accept cards, which was all he had. He kept saying that we could run by an atm so he could pay me back and I told him not to worry about it. He's now the father of my child, he pays all of the bills, and his financial support helped me to graduate college. Two days from now will actually be the three year anniversary of our first date.

And what did I get for my words of wisdom about not judging a man harshly based on his perceived finances? I got chickenheads asking me if we're married. Actually to quote them, they wanted to know if he'd "put a ring on it," suggesting that things couldn't be that good if we're not married. Despite my many issues with Pookie, I truly love him with all of my heart. Do I want to marry him? No. Do I want to marry anyone? NO.

I respect Beyonce for her little tune about "putting a ring on it" however I'm so sick of people suddenly acting like a relationship isn't valid if two people haven't made it official for the government. The parents of one of my dearest friends have been together nearly 30 years, they own a home together and they are two of the kookiest and most fun and functional in a relationship people that I think I've ever seen. I've got another friend whose mother was married before, but after her divorce, she's got a good boyfriend who's strong, loyal, great to her kids, wonderful around the house. They live together. And they have no intention of getting married. My own mother was married twice, once to my father. My father and her next husband were total assholes. Her new man treats her the way a man should treat a woman. He literally caters to her. He even sends my son clothes sometimes. And he and my mom have no intention of getting hitched.

A few years ago when I was 19, I met a local radio personality who was trying to sleep with me. Did I mention that he was about 35 years old with a wife and child at home? I finally told him that I couldn't sleep with him and he gave me some lame line about him not being attracted to me because of my weight. Of course he never mentioned a problem with my weight until I told him that I wasn't going to fuck him. The loser just had to protect his ego. Funny enough, I've seen his wife out and about and you couldn't tell her that her shit didn't stink. The reason I didn't sleep with him was because he had a woman at home and all I could think was what a blow it would be to her ego for her for her man to be screwing some teenager. So I walked away. But he was a LOUSE.

I've got another homegirl who found out that her husband had cheated on her after her gynecologist told her that she had chlymdia. My father has cheated on his current wife over and over again, but frankly she's too naive and scared to believe it. Its crazy that I'm only his daughter and I know when he's out "working" until 1 in the morning, that he's getting his d*ck wet, yet his wife doesn't realize that. I heard about another homegirl that got wifed up, and she's having drama with her husband's baby mama because he's still screwing her. But she's the one he put a ring on.

Now I'm not saying all of this to say that I'm anti-marriage. I think that marriage is a beautiful and wonderful institution, when its entered into by two dedicated people that are willing and most importantly, ready, to make that leap. However, just because two people are married doesn't not make them happy. God only knows how much I love the father of my son, and I truly don't think that any woman could ever love him as much as I do. I've seen that man on his best days, and I've seen him on his worst days. I know what a bastard he really is at heart, and I love his inner bastard as much as I love the man that comes home and cooks dinner so we can have family movie night. I believe our bond is strong. It's obviously got it's imperfections. Are we any less serious because we're not married? Not at all. Our lack of marriage simply says that we realize that we probably aren't made to be together forever. But while we're together right now, we're a family unit that's continuing to work on our problems. The man was married before and we all know how that turned out.

All I'm saying is that a relationship should be judged, based on the commitment that two people have to one another, not just on a ceremony that people put on.

On a side note, I recently lost my cousin, Jarronn Jackson. Jarronn was only 29 years old. Jarronn got married back in mid May. He married a beautiful woman. Our last phone conversation, I mentioned to him how difficult relationships are. And Jarron told me how his relationship to his wife was simply effortless, which is how he knew she was the one. Less than three months after his wedding, he's gone. But I'll always remember the way he talked so lovingly about his wife and how happy they were. Jarronn showed me what marriage is supposed to look and feel like. Frankly, I don't have that with Pookie. But I love him just the same. But I don't see myself marrying a man if I don't see him being as excited about a relationship as Jarronn was. So I'd prefer to say that its not going to happen and later be surprised, rather than to hold out for something as effortless as Jarron and Jessica, and have it not happen. Jarronn loved Jessica with all of his heart before they got married. And I know he loves her with all of his heart from heaven.

I'll miss you Jarronn. Please hug my loved ones for me. And even though you're gone, I plan to hold to my promise to name my next child after you!!!

Please pray for me and my family.


Miss.Stefanie said...

Im so sorry for your loss. He looks like a beautiful soul.I will pray for you and your family.*hugs*

Kingsmomma said...

So sorry for your loss. Your cousin seemed like a Great Man.

The way he talks about his wife keeps the hope alive. I know men like that exist.

As for Marriage, I still believe in it. Marriage is not for the meek b/c it is hard work. I'm not shying away from it, i've worked hard all my life..why not work hard for something i believe in?

Milly said...

You and your family are in my prayers.

As for marriage I think its a beautiful act of love, but a lot of people these days get married for the wrong reasons or they just simply arent ready to get married. The key thing to remember is that when the time is right and the two people involved are right for each other, it will happen.

Mista Jaycee said...

I'm sorry for your loss. Very nice viewpoint. Marriage is great! I love being married but it ain't for punks! It's work! And all that put a ring on it ish doesn't speak to that work of filtering out Men and Women who are not worthy or ready to put a ring on it.
Good Post!

IntrospectiveGoddess said...

I send my condolences to you and your family over your loss. Your post was spot on, I am on the fence on whether or not I have a desire to marry but the many array of relationships that you described I have seen myself and that is why I am so cynical about the institution of marriage. It is NOT the end all be all, marriage just like college, is not for really depends on the people and their commitment to each other. Very good post!

Cerissa said...

I agree with you, everyone should have the type of relationship they want and not think about what others have to say!! Just be happy and I want to say i'm so sorry for your loss, hope you have a great day!!!!