Wow. Over a month since my last post. Needless to say, I've been busy. I started my new job. It feels crazy to be able to afford all of the things I want and need in life with no problems. Like wow, a valid government work i.d. I get up everyday and go to work, and then 2 weeks later, I get money magically in my account because someone out there thinks I deserve it. How the hell is this my life?
I'm still not really dating. I managed to reconnect with Ted lately. He's a total sweetheart when he's not being a terrible person.Tory even apologized for going ghost on me. I'm still gun shy about the whole thing though. I don't know. I think I've been involved with one guy or another for so long that subconsciously I'm just enjoying being solo. That's the thing. I enjoy this. No stress. No drama. I've got plans for the next 10 years and I'm happy that I don't have outside distractions keeping me from my goals. All I have to focus on is myself and my child. My goals are to save money and travel. So far, all is well for me to be able to do both of those with no problems.
I'll be honest and say that Pete is still a constant for me. But its different now. Its not so much tears, just thoughts and feelings. My new normal is him with me in spirit. Oddly, I'd gone years on end without dreaming or at least remembering my dreams. Since he died, I've had 3 significant dreams that somehow related to my life. The first two related to floods. The other one happened last night. I dreamed about snow. I looked up and out of nowhere, everything was covered in snow. Later in the day, all of the snow was gone. As soon as I could, I looked online for dream interpretation. This is what I found:
To see snow in your dream represents a fresh start or purification of some area of your life. A new feeling of security or a second chance. Experiencing something has come to an end. A new sense of clarity. Alternatively, snow may symbolize spiritual peace and tranquility.
Negatively, snow may reflect how harsh or cold a cleansing experience is. A very unpleasant new beginning or feeling as though you're being punished. Emotional isolation. Feeling "out on the cold" or like you got a "cold shoulder." A loss, a breakup, or an unpleasant ending of some kind.
This actually encompasses my life in a few ways. I do feel new. I'm not carrying the weight of relationships, family, friendships, etc. I'm going to work and home. Newly enjoyed interest in my health as well, as I've become a regular at my local gym. I don't know anyone there. I love walking in and being able to simply put on my headphones and work until I'm drenched in sweat. Not a bit of casual conversation that I don't want to entertain. I feel light. No darkness or negativity. But then as the interpretation stated, there is some "emotional isolation" as well. I'm not exactly dying here, but I do have moments of feeling oddly alone. The crazy thing is that its kind of self-imposed. I frequently go off of Facebook. I need quiet. But at the same time, I sometimes feel myself being pushed away by some of the very few people I'm willing to get close to. Its kind of perplexing. But such is life, I guess.
I guess this my life now. I'm surprised at how much I enjoy this. The simplicity of life is oddly welcome, especially after the whirlwind existence I've had up until this point. I'm not one for the night life nearly as much and being alone with a good book is one of my favorite pastimes. Yay progress. At least my dreams suggest it might be.