But I recently came to realize that I'm bringing a bit of an abandonment issue to the table and I'm frustrated and disappointed with myself for having it, but as always, Love is a champ in dealing with it. Its not that I doubt his love and dedication to me or for me- at the moment. Its just that I keep expecting that one day he'll look up and realize that I'm nuts or get bored and leave. I've seen it so often before that its nearly impossible not to have in my mind. I sometimes question the existence of God, but Love and I have prayed on it and I'm just now realizing how much I'll have to pray on this as well. Every time he sees me or talks to me, he assures me he's here with me and loves me and isn't going anywhere. I believe him- mostly.
One of my favorite books is titled "Where the Heart Is" and it was also made into a movie, staring Ashley Judd. In the movie/book Ashley Judd's character continues to pick shitty men and get pregnant and abandoned by them. In the end she's got like 5 or 6 kids and been to hell and back. She eventually meets a man who sees her and accepts her as she is and takes in her and her kids and they live happily ever after. Yeah, its a condensed version (Judd's character is only secondary in the book anyway), but my point is that I found myself thinking about the book today, and how I thought that stuff like that didn't really exist. I thought that men would continue to blame me and judge me. When I met Love, I was actually going to reject him, not so much because of who he is, but because of where I was and just thinking we wouldn't be a good fit because we were so different. All it took was one date to convince me of how wrong I was. After our 2 hour coffee meeting of laughing, I knew I wanted to see him again. And again.
So here is to hoping to spend more time getting to know and love him. I know he loves me. And I love Love. He is where my heart is.
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