Emotional/Intelligence Breaking/Points

So I've been on one lately. Part of me thinks it could be this stupid tooth, but part of knows it could be a reckoning of much, much more. It started off a while back with Fred. I'm not sure if I mentioned this conversation here, but I'd vented to Fred about Luke and how I felt that Luke was becoming despondent and pulling away and how much I needed insight on moving forward. I talked to Fred, who instantly stated "well, he's still legally married and..." I'm sorry? What now?

This isn't the space of a judgmental, 23-year-old child. Life catches up to you fast. He was married, things didn't work, they live apart, their kids are grown, emotionally, they are separate, sexually, they are separate, financially, they are separate. Call me bizarre, but yo, he's free game.

So why the hell was Fred bringing up him being married on paper, despite having his own apartment? Because Fred is full of shit. And I finally reached my breaking point on it and said it out loud. I know it hurt and I meant for him to hurt. My words? "I should have known better than to try to talk to you about this, you aren't emotionally intelligent enough to get it." Yes, I know it was a dig. I meant for it to be one. I came to him, seeking advice and council. But he couldn't give me that. He had to do more. And I felt like I had to bring him down a peg. Or several.

I also threw into Fred's face how he'd been butt hurt recently about a woman who's husband was in Spain. But while her husband was in Spain, Fred was keeping her occupied. And once her husband returned, she dropped Fred like him, his dick, his heart, and his time never mattered. And that is a woman who was and is married. Shit, I met Luke's daughter. It certainly wasn't something we planned for, but the planets aligned. I highly doubt that if Luke was trying to hold so fast to his on-paper marriage that he'd pretty much plant a kiss on me in front of his adult child.

So on top of calling Fred emotionally unintelligent, I followed up by telling him that I'm growing to like him less and less as a person and that he calls himself a Christian, but he doesn't carry himself as one at all. Yeah, I brought out the big guns. I guess I've just been holding it in. Yeah Fred, I love you. But I'm growing past your shit. My best friend Sky recently stated that if I'd met Fred at this stage in my life as opposed to meeting him 13 years ago, things would be different. We'd be passing ships in the night. And he was spot on with that.

So here we were. Or are. He sent back a text a day or two later, asking me if I'd felt judged and he gave some sort of b.s. about being human and using the Bible to justify xyz. But I didn't respond. Because it didn't matter. I love Fred. And I know he loves me. But I'm tired of how he loves me. I'm tired of why he loves me. He loves me because I am convenient. Not because I'm fucking amazing. Not because I've seen his ass homeless and still saw the best in him. Not because I've flown all over to visit with him, when he was lonely. But because he was needy and I was available. He and I haven't talked since. I texted him a pic from after my tooth procedure. He hasn't responded. I'm unphased by that. I'm supposed to be seeing him when I land in Cali. Not sure if I will though.

And then the other guy. I met him via Tinder. He seemed pretty nice. Not long into our conversation, I realized that he is the best friend of one of my best friend's husbands! Small world, right?! Not so fast. I mean, he was nice and all, but I didn't wan to go make a big deal about this dude, just because we know of the same people. Sorry homie, but their their bond does not immediately bond us. And while I tried to keep in touch and try to build with the new guy, I couldn't shake that he was just into my looks. He'd text me "good morning, beautiful" and it stung. I'm so much more than my looks. I'm intelligent, articulate, accomplished, funny, all kinds of shit. But the only thing you see is "beautiful." Text messages are cool, but bruh, how about an actual phone call? I texted my homegirl and said straight up, that I'm not feeling dude. She stated that his lack of stepping up might have to do with the fact that his daughter is graduating and he's preoccupied. Nope.

So on Facebook the other day, I opted to ask people what their deal breakers are. One woman stated that she doesn't do men that don't go to the doctor. I'd never thought about it, but I could see that. I asked her about it, and she went on to talk about things such as hypertension and diabetes that are rampantly uncontrolled in Our community. And she was right! And then I took it a step even further. If this guy refuses to go to the doctor, and then he fucks around and has a stroke or heart attack, who is the woman expected to look after his ass? Me! No bueno. I monitor my diet, I exercise, I jog, I go to the doctor, so why the hell should I have to cut back on living my life just to care for you after you opted to be too fucking stubborn to get a check up? So now your bad choices impact me?! NOPE!

And then last night. So yeah, Davis is staying with me, and I'm using the money he kicks to me to help pay down this car note and other bills. And I love Davis, he'll always have a special place in my heart. At one point in time, he was my everything. But him staying with me has allowed me to see him for the flawed human being he really is. I needed that shit so bad! Anyway, I noticed a while ago that he has a small patch of hair missing in the back of his head. I'd assumed he'd accidentally nicked himself shaving. When I asked him about it last night, he stated that it stemmed from his allergy to his ex's cat, and now the allergy to my cat. Davis stays in his own room, away from the cat (the cat often sleeps next to me) and he tries to purify things as much as possible, but it is what it is. I finally said to Davis, "bruh, just take a Benadryl." He responded that he doesn't like taking drugs for health. Say what now? I said "well, then just take something natural, I'm sure there are natural antihistamines that could help. You do understand that the allergy send signals to your brain, essentially telling your body to attack itself right? That's bananas! You don't want to slowly kill yourself. That completely defies logic and common sense!"

He paused. I'd done it again. I tap danced on that nerve. I insulted him. He'd gotten on me about it before, but the only difference is that this time, I truly don't give a shit. I mean, seriously? You're going to sit here and have your fucking hair fall out and all of these hives and shit all over your body, as if its some kind of badge of honor? Fuck you dude, that shit is fucking STUPID and I'm not going to tiptoe around your feelings to keep you from knowing that. Take care of your goddamned self, shit!

He opted to head to bed shortly thereafter. And I don't know what happened, but I started to feel empowered. As I take a whole new look at myself, I'm starting to see, yet again, just how amazing I am. Am I'm starting to realize that I've dimmed my light over the years, trying to make way too many men feel good about themselves, while they shoveled shit in my direction. No more! I'm intelligent, kind, witty, free, goddamned AMAZING! And someone else's need to dominate me in order to further feel strengthened in their own bullshit will no longer be my cross to bear. It hasn't been easy, but I'm really taking my me back!