(Possible) Ending/ (Potential) Beginning

So Fred is mad. Big mad. Over a decade of friendship and I've never seen him like this. Apparently he's still salty with me because of our little row a month ago. I mean, I get it. I said some stuff he didn't like. And I said it with an intention to cut him deep. Which I did.

But I've been on the receiving end of some rather sharp barbs from Fred and I was expected to smile and overlook it. I've never been apologized to for quite a few things he's said and done. But the one damned time I go there, he can't take it. I texted him to announce that I'd like for us to get some coffee and talk when I'm in L.A. in a couple of weeks. He read my text. No response. Damn, son.

I can't make him change his mind. I can't make him talk to me. And I'm damned sure not going to beg him, especially since I can't exactly say that we've put in the same amount of effort into our relationship to begin with.

Yesterday, I chopped it up with my homegirl, Jenny. Jenny is a lesbian who has been hanging on to this broad who is a parasite for way too long. Jenny recently found out that the same chick who has consistently had her hand held out is the same chick who has been married and dodging her.

So naturally, Jenny was crushed and angry with herself for not pulling the plug on this shitshow of a relationship a year ago. As I listened to Jenny rattling off about how fucked up this was, I did something I never thought I'd do. I erased Fred's phone number. Then I deleted all of our text messages.

We'd run our course. I love him. I'd be devastated if something happened to him. But Sky is right. We're no longer in the same place. I've evolved. I love the woman I am. I have goals and ambition. I'm looking straight ahead. I've been by Fred's side through his homelessness, his joblessness, his insecurities, alla dat. I've been verbally abused and humiliated by him, but I stuck by him and defended him, when everyone else saw what I didn't. And now he ain't picking up the phone?! Does he know who the fuck I am? Yeah, yo. I'm checking out on this one. I'm just going to pick a cute little motel in Laguna Beach in Cali, and unless the stars align for it to happen, I'm not going to see him. And that's okay.

So while Fred is taking a bow out, things with Ted have taken a surprising uptake. We gel so much more now. I went to see him the other night. I walked into his bedroom and was greeted with the Jill Scott Spotify station playing in the background. Four and a half years and I have NEVER walked into his home to find relaxing music playing. It was nice. It set a cozy mood. I told him that if anyone ever played me in a movie, I'd want it to be Jill Scott or possibly Queen Latifah. Ted stated "she's not sexy enough to play you." Keep it coming Ted, keep it coming.

I sat on the edge of his bed and immediately heard a crack, followed by his bed caving in. Ted then disassembled the rest of the bed and left only his mattress and box spring. It was such a small moment, but a cute, shared one. Afterwards Al Green's "Tired of Being Alone" came on the television. It was a perfect moment. Then we just kind of lay there on his bed, him reaching over and laying on my back. These moments are literally all I've wanted. This level of intimacy and affection.

I just remembered that Ted would not be okay with me sharing so much of him on my blog, so moving forward, I'll have to scale back how much I write about him. But before I end that I'll share that I recently downloaded some songs from Brandy's first album. One of my favorite songs from her has always been "Love is On My Side." And I've had that song on repeat in the whip lately, a small smile and glassy look in my eye. And by God, it may just be there after all.