I realized a while back that Ali's death was hitting me harder than expected. It never occurred to me how much he was a part of my life until he was gone. I promised myself that 2022 was going to be some sort of cornerstone year and while I'm trying to move forward with that plan, as it's wont to do, life is giving me life on life's terms.
My cousin's death hit me like a ton of bricks, making it hard to focus at my last job. My sleep schedule was shit for a while, coupled with other stressors. It didn't end well. I was hurt at how things happened, but the more I lived and processed, the more I knew that I needed to really focus. Plus, I wasn't happy with how they ran things. On top of that, when I returned after my cousin's death, I wasn't really given the support that I would have liked, considering that I made it known that I was struggling. Once the shock wore off, I was a bit relieved. I've decided that my next job needs to be one that while still being social work, will be less clinical, with less paperwork, allowing me to focus far more on clients. But first I decided to finally focus on my personal goals.
One of the first things I did was to FINALLY finish writing my book. Now I have to go back and edit some things, but the main part is complete. While that feels amazing to admit, there's still so much more to do to get it ready. I'll be honest and admit that there's a bit of anxiety about it all, but I know in my spirit that I'm ready.
As I started to focus on my finances, it also became apparent that I needed to go back to Los Angeles to tie up loose ends regarding my storage that I was paying through the nose for. I decided that I may as well drive on around the country again, to get to L.A. I'm currently in Denver, staying at my family friend's home and it is beautiful! Her husband is a successful attorney and their home is so warm and comforting. I joked with my friend that her guest room is nicer than many of the hotels I have stayed in. My next stop is Salt Lake City, before I head on over to Reno, before I hit San Francisco. Things in my life could be much better, but they sure as shite could be worse.
While here, I also stopped in to see my uncle, who is Ali's father. His health is rapidly declining, and coupled with grieving his son, I'm not sure how much longer he has. But I wanted to lay eyes on him, plus his other son is with family in Florida at the moment, so since I'm in town, I decided to say hello while giving other family members updates about his health. While my plan was to move back to L.A. in a few years, I'm actually considering making Denver my home in a few years instead. I love looking up and seeing mountains in the distance.
I guess while grieving my cousin is obviously a slow moving process, on another note, I'm starting to decide upon yet another struggle that I'm having. I don't know how to say this, but I'm really struggling with men. I mean, not like that. It's just that- well, I'm really starting to understand just how trash most men are. I've realized how much I've been manipulated and guilted into taking and accepting trash ass behavior from men, with the understanding that if I waited long enough for some tired ass dude, he'd eventually turn into Mr. Right.
My new understanding is simply "Fuck that noise." I like me and I like how I live my life and I'm sick and tired of feeling like something is wrong with me for loving myself. No more dealing with whack ass excuses from men and no more feeling something is wrong with me when some dude doesn't do the bare minimum in a relationship.
Today I even reached a whole new level of clarity. I realized that had my ex David and I stayed together, if we'd even gotten married, I still would have divorced him at some point. Because he was trash. And the proof in the pudding that he was trash is that he picked a trash ass bitch to marry. No man worth a salt is openly picking women who did shit like call and threaten his mother. Yeah, that's what his baby mama did. And he chose her. Sounds like a real class act, right? Yeah, I sure as shit dodged a bullet. And I'm thankful.
I'm also really going to scale back on my guy friends. Only because I realize that most of my guy friends at some point have tried to sleep with me. Or they just want some sort of nanny/mother figure, they can put all of their emotional shit off on. Like seriously, the more I look at the men around me, I realized that about 90% of them are utter garbage. And that I'm no longer going to be made guilty for putting myself first.
Case in point, I talked a while ago about my former coworker, who has expressed his affection for me, but I shut it down once I realized that he needs me. Anyway, dude called me recently, and I told him that things with Theo aren't working and I'm throwing in the towel. The former coworker, in spite of the overwhelming evidence that I should step away, tried to paint me as the issue in the relationship. One thing about Malika is that she's up front about when she's wrong. I own my shit. And Theo essentially did everything he could to win me over, and quickly showed his ass once he felt my guard was lowered. And I quickly told him that I'm not with the games and ended it. He was hurt. He even cried when I started dating other men. But fuck that noise. Don't cry about me seeing a new man when you weren't doing what I clearly stated I needed.
Over the last 13/14 odd years on this blog, I've discussed countless men that I held onto for too long. I'm not doing that again. I'm no longer going to be bread crumbed into waiting for a man to reciprocate. If he's not showing up from the gate, I'm leaving his ass. I'm not explaining shit and I'm not repeating myself. I also shamelessly use my block button with a vengeance. I don't apologize or explain when I'm blocking someone. If you show your ass or I see you attempting to take more than you've given or earned, I will disappear. I don't owe anyone an explanation for protecting my space and my peace.
Truthfully, I wish I'd understood this about both Fred and Ted. I held on to both of them for a combined total of 20 years, and yeah, I was dicked down well, but aside from that, all I got was lame excuses and tears. When I go to L.A. in a few days, I'm not even going to see Fred. Cuz FUCK THAT NOISE.
When Pete died, I shut down for a while. I guess with that, I got a better understanding of grief, and understanding that no matter how we feel in the moment, it doesn't last forever. So this time around, I'm allowing myself to feel whatever I feel, to process it, examine it, hold it, learn from it, and release it. And while I'm still missing my cousin terribly, there's so much to absorb and unpack from this season of my life and I can't be anything but thankful and honored for that.
I'm not sure that I'll be dating in the future. And if I do, it'll be only because it's what I want, not because I'm guilted or attached in some codependent nightmare of a coupling. I finally see that I deserve the very best from the beginning. #Progress
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