the best kind of repetition

today i took my son to the playground up the street for the first time since we've lived over here. i'm going to take this time to say that white people have been holding out- this playground had 5 different play areas and even one for small toddlers my son's age. i never saw any nice playgrounds like that when i lived in college park or decatur. to add to the beauty of this mecca of a playground, i saw soccer moms and dads standing by gleefully by as their little cherubs bounced around the playground. and my little negro son showed his ass. in his defense, i knew it was past his naptime, but when we first moved over here it was too cold to go to the playground and its been cold and rainy most days this spring so i wanted to check out this playground since it was finally warm today.

my son happily climbed the playground for the toddlers. he's so big (he's 18-months-old but he's as big as many 2 and 3-year-olds) so i'm always chasing him when he's near kids his own age to make sure he doesn't knock them down. my son can be a bit of a bully when he tries. as a matter of fact the boy headbutted me in the face and as a result of it i've got a huge red knot on my lip. the boy actually chris browns me on the regular.

my son refused to stay in the section for kids his age and i got tired of chasing him down and apologzing to the other parents and their kids for the kids he kept running down. i wanted so badly to reach out and talk to the other parents but everytime i started a conversation with the other moms i had to chase after my child. i left dejected and embarrassed after about 10 minutes.

i called a homegirl and let out my frustrations to her. is it that i haven't worked hard enough to socialize him? will he learn to get along more with kids as he grows older or is there something i'm not doing? and finally, it would all be good if he could just communicate with me. as much as i love my child, i get so irritated feeling that he either doesn't understand what i'm saying or he just doesn't give a damned. is it me? is it him? is this normal? my son is a very happy child and ever since he was a newborn, he's never met a person he didn't like. i love and admire how he's so outgoing and social, but why the hell can't he snap back into the moment when i need him to? my friend said something to me that caught me offgaurd. she said to me- "malika, he's a free spirit. he's just being him. its okay to get him socialized, but he's just one of those kids that's hard to keep down."

wow. i haven't heard the words "free spirit" since middle school. i remember being dubbed a "free spirit" while i was in elementary school. my friend's words reminded me that my son is simply a little me. and i remember how it affected my mother. she always seemed embarassed by me. she, in conjunction with my teachers, always wanted to nail me down and give me more focus. i used to daydream a lot in class and it really didn't stop until middle school. mom didn't really like taking me out. she was proud of my writing ability, but other than that i always felt like she thought i could have and should have been someone or something else. but all i could be was me. people loved me. i've always had the ability to make people laugh and not to toot my own horn, but even as a kid i was able to hold stimulating conversations with adults. i know she loved me. i just don't think she liked what i was. i was a "free spirit." i still wrangle with being a "free spirit" today. i'm graduating from college soon and honestly after 10 years of higher education, i still have no idea what i want to do or be in life. but i like being me. i never really knew how much i've positively affected so many people until i realized that i often walk into clubs, bars, and stores in this city and constantly seeing people i know. sometimes i think to myself that perhaps my sisters will realize what a good person i am when i'm at my funeral and they see how many people came to love me throughout my travels. i guess being a "free spirit" isn't such a bad thing when you can be the sunshine to brighten someone's day. my son is a "free spirit." and that's why i love him as much as i do.