My Open Letter to Tevin Campbell

Dear Tevin,

I almost believed that practical joke you set up. I wondered why the police would be knocking at my door, but once I saw that "restraining order" you'd sent, all I could say is, "Tevin is so silly. He must really like jokes. I wonder how much he paid some pretend lawyer and off-duty uniformed police officer to come to my door and order me to stay at least 1000 feet from him and to quit sending him letters with my toe hairs taped to them." That pretend restraining order also said something about no longer needing to send you dead skin from my hands. Boy Tevin, I almost believed you. But then it occured to me that you've got a silly sense of humor so that restraining order was just a joke for me to laugh hysterically at and then ignore. So anyway, how are things? Good I hope. I read in a few gossip mags that you were actually gay *GASP* but then I knew they were just jealous because you're so talented (we all know you're going to make a HUGE comeback sometime soon) so I feel totally justified for throwing acid on that chick's face. She'll think again the next time she wants to write in her column that you're a "flaming homosexual." Did you get the pie that I sent to you? I hope so. When my cat died (Tevin Campbell the Cat IV) I was so crushed that I couldn't bring myself to bury her so she was in my freezer. I figured that you'd love that pie even more once I put the shavings from my dead frozen cat in it. I hope you tour soon. I sleep with you every night. Not literally you of course, but naming my vibrator Tevin Campbell sure makes my nights that much better. I even drew a picture of you on it. I couldn't decide which hairstyle to put on it so I just drew in the processed texturized afro that you had in the "Always in My Heart" video. I even periodically spray activator on the dildo just to keep your drawn on Duke kit afro looking lustrious (it burns like hell when in use but as long as my Tevin Campbell dildo looks good, I'm happy!) Hey Tevin, I read that you're now in the play Rent on Broadway. How awesome is that! I plan to come see you there soon, I just have to see if I can get my therapist to tell my probation officer to okay me going across state lines. Boy Tevin, you love this cat and mouse game don't you? You're so silly. I know this is just a test for you to see if I'm willing to work to gain your affections. Trust me Tevin, I'll do WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR US TO BE TOGETHER. Speaking of my therapist, he seems to think that I have an "unhealthy" interest in you. I can't figure out why he'd think that. I named all 14 of my cats after you. How is that unhealthy? Don't you worry though. I promised myself that if he says anything else bad about you I'm going to set him on fire. I'm just kidding of course (no I'm not- I already put the lighter fluid and matches in my car for the next time we meet tomorrow). Anyway Tevin, I guess I'll wrap up my letter now. One of the Tevin Campbell cats is rubbing up against my leg to signal that it wants to go out. I also have to start cooking dinner for the cats. They get kind of antsy if I don't have their dinner cooked by 4 p.m. Oh before I go Tevin, I meant to tell you that I had that cute dream about us being married and having a child. And do you know what I'd name that child, dear Tevin? Her name would be Tasmine Elan Vivian Ingrid Naomi Campbell. The initials of her first and middle names are the initials of your first name and then she's got your last name. How sweet is that?! I'm going to run the name by my therapist to see what he thinks. He'd BETTER say he likes it.

Smootchies Tevin,

Malika Campbell

p.s. Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you that I changed my last name to Campbell so that once we get married, I won't have to deal with the paperwork of changing it then! You know we're getting married RIGHT?