Wednesday, March 11, 2009

the emotional investment

well, as most of my faithful readers know, my son's father and i have been through a lot for the last 2 and a half years. its strange, but despite it all (him messing around, and the whole bit) we're actually common law married. wow. i feel married to him. i don't know how or why, but i do. i have a friend that lives with her child's father in a situation similar to me and mine. she and i hung out yesterday and as we often do, we compared notes about our "baby daddies." she's ready to head out from her situation and move out with her child(even though she loves him with all of her heart). me ready to move out and on? not so much.

at times i say to myself that i can't wait to get away from my dude, just me and our child and move on with my life. but then reality kicks in. he's in school. he's a hard worker. he's a great cook. he's a fantastic father. because of him, i know what love is and how it really feels. he's taught me what unconditional love is. and despite what he'd say, i know that i've taught him about responsibility to his family and i've helped him to become a great father. so why the hell should i walk away from this? in a few years this man is going to get out of school and make a fairly good amount of money. and being that this is my last semester of school, i'll (hopefully) be making a decent amount of money myself. so imagine if we combine forces? i know that sounds kind of gold diggerish, but i've loved him since our first kiss on our first date and at the time i didn't know a damned thing about his future earning potential. i even remember how the first time we slept together, it was the first time in forever that i'd felt that someone was making love to me, not just fucking. his future income potential didn't come out until later to me and between that and us having a child together, i don't see why we shouldn't stick with eachother for the greater good.

i often drive through nice neighborhoods and think to myself, i want THAT house. i want my crib with the pool table and exercise equipment in the basement. dude is going to be an engineer (that's what he's in school for) and with decent income he can afford to give me and future children the kind of life i'd like for us. i want more children, and frankly i want them with him. but i know how much his life was derailed when i got pregnant and i'd hate to get pregnant again, knowing that his personal and professional goals would only get pushed back that much more. i want my son to have a relationship with his (future) siblings that i wish i'd had with mine. i want my children to play little league, and play instruments, and go to summer camp and all of that costs money. i want to go on family vacations with the man i'll share my life with. and i don't want my kids to have different daddies. i want one daddy for them. i don't really think that my son's father wants kids with different women either, and he wants more children also (just further in the future than i want).

my big fear is really that he and i would separate and some skeezer would move in on him and get the nice house and the children and the life with him that i've really earned. its probably an immature way to look at it, but frankly, i've put in WORK. before getting with him, i was with my ex for 10 years and i drove him around to and from work and school and i took A LOT of shit off of him. and in the end he allowed his skanky baby mom to step in and tell a bunch of lies on me and the low life bum that i hauled ass for 10 years for, wasn't even man enough to have a civil conversation with me to end things. that sorry bastard would only text me. 10 years of loving him more than i loved myself and all i got was text messages in return. i'm not planning to once again lose the man i've put so much in to, to some outside chick with a decent smile and a big ass.

re-entering the dating game scares me. i know that there are men that are far better than my son's father. but frankly there are more men that are far worse. i guess its safe to say that i love my son's father (although i'm not IN love with him), warts and all. a friend of mine met him recently and she commented that despite him being handsome and mannerable, she could tell that his good guy image is really just a fascade. and she's right. i love his public persona and i love the asshole that's underneath what the world sees. i don't want some woman that hasn't dealt with what i've dealt with to think that she's got a right to the life with him that i feel i'm entitled to. i know it's childish, but after the emotional investment that i put into my ex, i can't dare put that into someone else only to be left high and dry again. the funny thing is that on other days i say i can't wait to move out and leave this asshole by himself with all of his chicks. most of the chicks he's dealt with would have left him a long time ago if they'd dealt with half the shit i've seen. is it low self esteem? hardly. I LOVE MYSELF. i don't want to grow old alone. is that a crime? i think if i do end up alone or with another man, i want to be the one that makes that call and not him. i guess that could be called unfair, but so what. i've invested lot into this man, our relationship, our child and our family, and right now intend to stick around for my return.


Miss.Stefanie said...

That is not a crime. I think someday you will know what is right babes. Your heart will tell you in the most right moment. Do I make sense?

Just Jasmine said...

I feel you on this. I used to think that my ex was going to have that breakout moment and I would have done all this work and it would go to that skank that worked at equinox. I already felt like all the moves I taught him made the next chick moan and groan. Didn't want that. Okay back to the point. Commitment is a struggle and if u've found that one that smells ur farts and laughs then make it work. It's not always going to be peachy keen. Like luther said, I'd rather have bad tiemes with you than good times with someone else. I'd rather have the one who holds my heart (?)
It's worth the fight and struggle. I I wish my ex would have listened. I would have still been there for him but he just didn't get it.

Milly said...

If your hearts in it than why not? Like the chick above me said sometimes love is a struggle and its not always going to be easy. If you both love each other than make it work and get to where you wanna be.

Peace and blessings :)

Anonymous said...

I know based on my blog, I am not exactly the best person to give advice, but I felt a lil conflicted when I read your post. I kinda got the feeling that you want to stay with him more because you feel like you deserve to reap the "benefits", rather than love. And while I do believe that you deserve all that and more, I don't think you deserve to be treated in a way that you wouldn't treat your loved one. God forbid, what if these benefits which u invested so much in never come? What if you do stick around, take the BS and yet he willingly leaves with some skeezer? What will you have to show for it? Are you investing in yourself? It seems like u said, ur not "in love" with him, but maybe feel obligated to him. I know relationships are hard and I respect your family values of wanting to create a good environment for your son. And while I know relationships tare work and love really is something none of us can explain, if you have any inclination that something isn't right, then it probably isn't. It's that women's intuition that God blessed us with (which unfortunately we don't listen to enough). I'm not going to pretend that I'm better than anyone else, but I just feel like women should demand more. Instead of accepting a situation, make the situation on what YOU want (like u said in your post). Either way what ur feeling is something we have ALL felt or gone through. With time we always figure it out. Good luck girl.

xxxx said...

its hard to walk away when you know that you have sacrificied and committed so much into making something work, this is the same way i am feeling about my boyfriend. even when we have that feeling deep down in our hearts that things are going to end we hold on and try to make it work because thats what we want. and for some reason even if it ends its better if we end it and not them i think that gives us some sort of control. love is a hard thing to deal with and comprehend. it sucks

the YOUNG LIONESS said...

Thank you for your reply. i found your post very revealing and interesting. good blog

You shouldn't be embarrassed to admit one of your biggest fears is being alone. it is a fear a great many of us have. i can personally co-sign

i have felt this way before where i felt like the next women would get what i deserve. I was pissed and it would make crazy. but i realized what i deserved was to be confident in God's favor for me rather than live in fear of who will get what I deserve.

i prayed over it unceasingly. while my heart broke i realized the next man i would be with would be with a stronger, more secure woman who knew her limits and her desires. every woman's narrative is different but that is how i got through it.

you are right as well. i too believe that no other race has to put up with this nonsense and i recognize a good black man is a catch. however i feel more black women need to take back their glory of being prized women as well. just because the pool is small doesn't mean we have to play on those terms. i personally am tired of competing and i rely on God that there is someone on this earth just for me. i just want to spend my life on this earth happy, with whomever does that.

the man for me is worth fighting for against other women...but i would never have to..because he recognizes how priceless i am as well

pray over it. God knows your heart as well as you do :-)

Lastly I wanted to remind you that you are great gift from God. A man should be lucky to have you as well...