recently i found myself reflecting on some things, relationships and the like. i dunno, perhaps my time with deen has made me think about some things. anyway, i was talking to a coworker of mine recently. anyway, the chick is pretty banging. she just graduated from college with a degree in accounting. she's got a pretty face, an ass-to-waist ratio that most women would KILL for, good head on her shoulders, and a great sense of style. she's only about 22 or 23 and there's no doubt in my mind that this sista is going to go far in life. she and i talk about men and relationships a lot. she's single and she complained about the same crap that many single women (especially black women) complain about. lack of men, lack of quality men. wanting to go far in her profession and not wanting to get sidetracked by some knucklehead.
my sage words of wisdom to her were to "find a man that you're willing to work on things with, and CLING ON TO HIS ASS." intelligent? no. true? YEP. these days, its HARD for sistas to find good men. i love the beautiful men that i'm surrounded by but frankly, i know far more single women than single men and while men know that they have their choice of women, women know that they've got some serious competition for the best men. i have a homeboy with a masters degree who owns his home and he fully understands that in terms of women, he can have his pick of the litter. i told her that my personal fear was to become one of those women that had everything going on in my professional life because my professional life was the only thing i had to cling to. a prime example would be a teacher i had a few years ago. that woman had it going on. she was beautiful, had a sense of humor to rival mine (which is quite a feat), masters degree, her own business, owns her house. what man wouldn't want that woman? guys wanted her, but to find one that matched wits wasn't too easy. she was about 42 at the time. as much as i respected her, i couldn't imagine myself 42 and single and childless. another friend of mine has a god-mother in a similar boat. in her early 40's, beautiful, kind, spiritual, lawyer, her own house. single and childless. don't get me wrong, having a child doesn't make my life more worthwhile than a woman that doesn't have a child. when you're in your 20's and early 30's, there's still plenty of time. but frankly, if you don't have any children by the early 40's and you're a woman, its time to consider that having a child and/or getting married may not happen for you. and before i get comments saying "i know a woman thats xyz age and she just had a baby and got married and is happy" frankly anything is possible. but most older people that have children will admit that they wish they'd have started earlier. anyway, as crazy as it sounds, when i reached the age of 25, i started to say that it may not happen for me. hell, marriage may still not happen although i do have times where i enjoy playing house with deen. but i remind myself daily that this isn't real. we talk about the future but its not secured for either of us. but please believe that times like now when things are good, i think (and hope) that maybe by the time we're forty we'll figure the whole damned thing out and get married.
when my coworker and i talked and i gave her my *awesome* advice and i told her about my fear of becoming one of those beautiful women in my forties with no children, she recommended a documentary called "soul mate" where they talk about the exact same thing- sucessful older black women that are having a hard time getting married or just finding a good partner. today when i got out of work i looked up the documentary and i got to watch a small snippet of it. one of the things it said is that 70% of black women are not married. damn. another clip showed a woman saying that she's 45 years old and a virgin. SAY WHAT!?!?!?! virgin? 45? no sex? EVER?! *shudders* this is one of those moments where i'm fighting the look of being a shallow slut. sex isn't everything. its damned close to it. but not everything. while i respect women that choose to hold out, i can't help but to feel that at some point, hell, get it on over with. while i hate that david was my first, i accept that it brought me to a higher level of understanding in relationships. for my cute little 22 year old virginal coworker, i continue to encourage her to wait. but 45? damn girl. i gotta rent this dvd now, just because i want to hear her story. has she been in any deep relationships? if so, for how long? was she ever close to getting married? was she/is she waiting for marriage to get it on? wow, 45. once again, i'm sure her life has been fulfilling. but she doesn't know what she's missing out on. i'm not even talking about casual sex. although i am a *bit* of a proponent for casual sex, i'm talking about making love. i'm talking about laying in bed naked next to someone that loves you. granted, you may not be married and you may not plan to get married. but you love one another. to be a naked woman, wrapped in a bed sheet sleeping next to the naked male love of my life is something that i cherish. david may have been a douchebag in the end, but there were numerous moments that we shared not only our bodies, but our souls. sometimes i climb into bed with deen and we spoon and hold one another. could you truly appreciate all of that and get to that point without sex? i don't want to say no, but i highly doubt it. and not that i encourage having a child the same way that i did, but without premarital sex i never would have had my son. a 45 year old virgin doesn't know what she's missing out on. but i know what she's missing out on, and you couldn't pay me enough to be her.