Thursday, January 1, 2009

what 2008 taught me


it sounds so cliched to sit back and reflect on a year. but the older i get, the more it happens. my plan was originally to hang with my homegirl for new years but when she stood me up earlier, i knew that if she stood me up on new year's i'd be livid so i nixed my plans with her. i ended up with deen and the baby instead and we hung with some other friends also. we went to the peach drop, it was cold as a mofo but it was worth it. last new year's i was in my own apartment with the baby. and here i live with deen now. damn only a year later. anyway here's what the year taught me in no particular order.

6) be more open minded. in a class that i took last semester, i had to interview an activist so i chose a chick that was active in youth pride, an organization that deals with teens that are bi/lesbian/gay/transexual. sadly i only picked her because it was the easiest, but i learned so much that i actually hugged her when the interview was over. it was really an eye opening experience to talk to chris. she told me that her mother actually took her to a shrink and had her put on MEDS when she found out about her being a lesbian. damn. to bare myself, i used to say that i'd have a big problem if my child was gay, but hearing her speak i learned of how much gays really have to go through. chris (who prefers to dress more masculine) told me how at times she actually has to bring people with her for PROTECTION if she wants to go out to certain places in the middle of the night. damn again. to actually feel that your life is in danger because of who you date is in-fucking-sane. and to make sure that i got the message, the heavens had me hanging out with some friends and their 5 gay male friends. once again, i sheepishly admit that before that i'd had a misconception about gay black men. but i had a blast with them. they didn't talk about sex all night, they weren't wearing lip gloss, they didn't squeel alot and pop their lips. their outfits were immaculate (lol) but they were *gasp* normal. i'm such a dumbass. that's okay, because at least i'm learning. one day i'd like to work up the nerve to talk to a transexual to actually ask their story. chris made a good point in saying that those in the gay community should take more time to talk to people and tell their stories and answer questions. i agree because i learned how narrow-minded i really was before talking to her. i think that black people should do the same thing and be willing to talk to whites and not be so damned defensive all the time.
5) grind like my life depends on it. because to some degree, it does. this spring i will be taking my last required class for my degree and at the age of 28 i will FINALLY be a college graduate. so now its time to stop feeling sorry for myself and hustle like hell because i have to do more for me and my son. deen has helped us in so many ways but its time for me to standup and help deen as much as he's helped me. i need to get a good paying, full time job. perhaps i'll move out depending on what deen and i do, but i need to help him get out of school too. its time to pull my own weight a lot more.
4) be better at managing my money. yeah, the economy is fucked but that's no reason to not be more on top of spending and budgeting. i'll go into a store with $50 and swear to only spend $20 but i'll end up spending the whole damned $50. i'll have to use those little tricks like leaving the house with only enough to get what i NEED, not going shopping hungry, sticking to shopping lists, budgeting. all of that boring stuff. if the goal is to get my credit in order and buy a house, things have gotta be better on my end.
3) control my temper and stop being so damned emotional. i have gotten so mad at deen that i've hit him at times. i'm so humiliated to admit that to myself and others. but at the same time i am at least woman enough to admit my fault in our altercations. i haven't been with my ex in nearly 2 years but i still carry a lot of the negative baggage from that. but i'm slowly letting that go. sometimes with deen i get so pissed and afraid of once again being the woman that is being manipulated and used that i fly off the deep end. all i'm really doing is overcompensating for the times that i wish i would have stood up for myself previously.
2) forgive and forget. let go of the emotional baggage. a lot of people think that buddhism is stupid or a cult, but it taught me so much. i've learned to let go of things like anger and resentment. for those that aren't buddhist, i'd look into it. its possible to be buddhist and christian, because buddhism isn't a religion, its a philosophy. it brought me peace and clarity, things i never thought would be within my grasp. i forgave david, my mother, deen, i even just reminded myself to forgive deen's family. its amazing how much lighter you feel when you fully forgive and let go.
1) what its like to be loved. for a few nights things were really chaotic here. i was so pissed about the blog thing that didn't want to be in a room with deen so when he entered i'd just go into my room and close the door. and although i didn't know it at the time i really hurt him when i did that. we finally talked and we both bared our hearts and souls. and i fell in love with him all over again. and not only did i love him, he actually loved me. ME. that little fat girl with self esteem issues. he loved ME. a man loved me so much that me not wanting to be near him hurt him. i can't believe that i'm crying as i write this. i'm sure that i'll get mad at him again. and he'll get mad at me. but it means so damned much to know that someone that you love, loves you just as much in return. he took me to the mall and bought some jeans that showed that actually have a bit of a figure. its such a small thing, but its so big, he cared enough to want me to look good and feel good by and for myself. i didn't belive in love for a LONG time. but now i do. and i love deen.

5 comments:

Ray Ray said...

man, alot of the same lessons you learned i learned also and b\c of those lessons, i believe that 2009 will be much better because the lessons allow for real life application. i think that people do need to talk to other people and understand their stories before passing judgment. i'd previously been closed minded to alot of things including gays\lesbians DESPITE having dozens of gay and lesbian friends but then i actually sat down and talked to one of my friends and got a better understanding of what they go through and i felt bad. anywho, 2009 is definitely everyone's year and i'll definitely keep checkin in with your blog.

Just Jasmine said...

Congratulations on your life revalations. I don't think anyone truly wants to admit their flaws but it takes a real woman to do so. I wish you and deen nothing but happiness because you two seem to genuinely love each. Yes you'll have problems, and perhaps you two started off on the wrong foot but you're getting there and honestly love is a journey. You're going to have your ups and downs and yes deen is a jerk at times and I'm sure you can be quite bitche but love is about accepting who each other is at the end of the day, knowing each others flaws and loving them inspite of and because of them. I'm not a buddhist but I do know that you have to forgive and release (notice I didn't say forget) because the hatred will eat you alive and as you've learned it does nothing but come in between your love for others. You will get a great job and you will be pulling your own weight. You're right about the gay community.I don't know how you could stop loving someone because of whom they happen to be attracted to. Its disgusting. No I wouldn't want my son to be gay but if he were I wouldn't blink twice.
I hope you had a wonderful evening with the family.
09 will bring you greatness I'm sure.
Sorry for the novel

Mista Jaycee said...

Happy New Year!
Dig, I accept Christ as my savior but belong to a yahoo group called Black Buddhists. I agree there is alot to be learned there about anger and resentment but also what I am learning is to accept things the way they are, one moment at a time. It helps!
Check my blog but also check Kiamsha's blog. Her link is on my blog.
Metta
Jaycee

Rchelle said...

happy new year, lol im late. your new years is almost similar to mine. congrats on taking your last few classes, i cant wait till i reach that point damn near gave up a few days ago.

reedwrites said...

Love the list. I'ma have to cosign with everything except controlling my anger because I have opposite problem. I think I don't get angry when I should! lol.

Ok you know you must let me know when you are done with school because I will come to your graduation. And you know this maaaan!

On that note, get your hustle on girl.