What I Learned in 2009

Yes, another one of THOSE posts. I've been looking through a few other blogs, and it's kind of fascinating to see what people are learning, so I figured that I'd take to my blog. My blog is pretty much where I think out loud. So here it is. Pardon me if I ramble.

* Blood doesn't make family, love makes a family
* I can say all kinds of crap about my baby daddy, but I will fuck anyone up that says anything bad about him.
* Motherhood is the best thing to ever happen to me.
* I don't know if I'll ever get married, and I don't know if I want to.
* The more die hard a Christian a person claims to be, the less I trust them.
* It's dangerous to have outside people in your relationship.
* I really am better off without my mother and sisters.
* I love myself more and more every day.
* Anybody that expects me not to love myself doesn't deserve to be near me.
* Love isn't as pretty as many people think it is.
* Anyone that Googles me to find my blog and yet claims to hate me and comes on here to start shit, needs pity and prayer.
* My stalker can pretend all day that it is I that stalks her, but she and I both know the truth. Hopefully in the new year her balls will drop and she'll move on with her life. Anyway, I've learned how sad and lonely she truly is.
* My immediate family may be fucked up, but I've got the dopest cousins, uncles and aunts.
* A good haircut really can change your look and how you feel about yourself.
* Lip gloss and earrings can complete the simplest outfit.
* Just because you fall in love doesn't mean they'll love you back.
* It doesn't matter how loyal you are, that doesn't mean you'll get it back.
* Just because you have a small tiff with one of your friends, it doesn't mean you have to swear them off forever. Sometimes people are just blowing off steam.
* I'm a really good writer and if I work hard at it, I can go far.
* My son may not talk a lot, but he's a little genius.
* Facebook isn't private, no matter what your settings are.
* I may not be a traditional mother, but I'm a pretty good mother.
* I'm a better mother than I had, and although she'd never admit it, I know it in my heart and I'm quite proud of that.
* I'm my son's best friend, and I take that role quite seriously.
* Pookie's family is actually pretty dope and I'm really glad that they're in my son's life.
* My father may have all of the problems in the world, but he's still MY daddy.
* Sometimes you have to accept people and their flaws. No one is perfect.
* When someone gives you their best, feel honored. Never judge someone's best.
* Sometimes a kiss can make everything better.
* No matter what some bitter ass women will tell you, watching a son interact with his father is the greatest joy.
* There is no shame in needing help.
* Pookie may act hard core, but I know that he loves our son with all of his heart. And our son loves him back.
* There are very few feelings better than a job well done.
* College graduation is that much sweeter when your whole damned life, people called you stupid.
* If Pookie was ever seriously hurt, I don't know how I'd go on.
* My friends Courtney, Shaunnika and Tierinique are all I need for a successful girl's night out.
* He may not say it, but I know he loves me.
* Long hair is a bitch to take care of.
*Poverty taught me how to survive on next to nothing. So when I do start making money, I'll be able to stretch my dollars and save the way I normally would.
* It's damned near impossible for 2010 to be worse than 2009.

Happy New Year everyone! Thank you for following me and allowing me to get so much off of my chest! I love you ALL!!

Having His Cake and Eating It Too

Last night, I went to visit with my cousin, who had just given his fiance a ring. My cousin pulled me aside and started to talk about my situation with Pookie. He suggested that I stop letting him do his thing on the side. I completely understand where he was coming from, but unfortunately I'm in a bit of a rut.

First off, until I find a decent job, my little Pumpkin and I are financially dependent on him. That's really not my first choice and I've got a few projects that I'm working on, but for right now, it is what it is. Second, Pookie went straight from his mother's home, to his ex-wife's home, to being here with me and the little one. I was fortunate enough to spend most of my twenties as a young fabulous party girl. I lived alone, I traveled, I went to college, I worked and paid my own bills, I met and dated fabulous men. Pookie never really got that chance. Perhaps I am selling myself short, but I understand how much he missed out on and I feel bad about that. Maybe if he weren't so good looking and charming he wouldn't have women clinging to him the moment he stepped out of the house. Believe me, women are drawn to him like flies to shit.

My cousin pointed out the obvious truth, which is that Pookie and I have an emotional attachment to one another. We escort one another to family functions, we do "adult stuff" together, we share our innermost thoughts. We may not be in a committed relationship, but we're definitely committed in other ways.

On the flip side, today I called him at work, simply to tell him that I love him and he replied with "I've got to get back to work." Ouch. Would have been so hard to have replied with a simple "thank you"? Now that's the kind of shit that makes me say that I want out!

What hurts so much about that is that before Pookie, I dated a lot of men. After I gave birth to Pumpkin, about 5 of my old flames hit me up and confessed to me that they'd hoped that they'd be the one to give me a child. My friends used to call me a "food whore" for my willingness to drive to the other side of town to take my man food at work. Pookie even enjoyed that luxury while I was pregnant and working. I've always given awesome back massages. I'm funny. I'm great company. When I have money, I don't mind paying my own way or even paying a guy's way. When I consider myself to be with a man, there isn't much I won't do for him. I am far more submissive to a man than many people realize. And what most women don't see is that men love that. Men love coming home to hot meals. They love a woman that will hit the gym just for them. Men loved the special treatment.

So how did I go from being the woman that men sought, to being with a guy that can't even appreciate a kind word in the middle of his work day?

While I truly don't consider myself a gold digger, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't appreciate what he does for me. I see how much so many other women lose sleep as they figure out which bill has priority. On the flip side, I sleep until noon. My son is so close to his father. It warms my heart every time I see them tossing the basketball or wrestling on the floor. I'm so fortunate to be a housewife.

The Women's Lib Movement really effed up things. Suddenly, if you're blessed to have a man that is able to pay bills, you're a lazy gold digger. Let me set the record straight on that. The reason I moved in with Pookie was so that I could finish my last few classes of college. At the time I got pregnant, I only had about 7 classes to go before I got my degree. My goal was to get a job so that could get a good job to take care of me and my Pumpkin with little to no help from his father. My other goal was to get a job so that I could support Pookie while he finished up school, just like he'd done for me. That doesn't make me a gold digger, that makes me a woman that is appreciative.

Recently, some bitter ass female relatives with horrible track records with picking losers were trying to talk smack about me living with Pookie. What's so funny is that my father and uncle both agree that me living with the father of my child is what the hell I'm supposed to be doing. Somehow, Black women have gotten it twisted to where many of them look down on those of us that do what we have to do to keep our families together. I'm not knocking anyone that chooses to be a single mother, so why knock me for choosing to keep my family together? Why is it that White women are considered "stay at home moms" while Black women are "lazy" and "gold diggers"?

So anyway, I'm in a rut. I love Pookie and I love having my family together. Some days I'm in heaven. Other days, I just want to be left the hell alone. Perhaps Pookie is having his cake and eating it too. Perhaps I am taking advantage of the situation. Perhaps I should just move out. Perhaps we should just get married. Perhaps both of us know that getting married is a big mistake. I don't know. But I do know that one way or another, things can't continue on like this. Because I'd rather slit my freaking wrist than to have a half assed relationship with a man for 13 years and counting.

To Do in 2010

I don't believe in New Years Resolutions. I probably should, but I'm lazy and I'm not known for following through on shit, so I gave up on them. But I do have a list of a few things that I'd like to do. A while back I told myself that I was going to be a paid writer so I took to my Twitter page to declare that. A few days later, I was a freelance writer and I just got my first check in the mail from it. Talk about a proud moment. It was then that I remembered how important it is to write down my goals. So anyway, here is my list.

1) Within 5 years, I will be the top Black humor columnist in this country. After that, the goal is to be the top humor columnist in the country. I'm funny. Shut up, I am!! Yep, that's going to be me. I'm going to find a literary agent too. I know this is driving my hater crazy too! I'm already writing for two digital magazines, so next up is to get a regular column for a print magazine. And they will be funny too! Shut up, they will!!

2) My digital magazine will finally happen. Money is tight, but once I get the loot up, I'm going to get this cracking. Trust and believe, this is going to be big.

3) Jogging. I've tried exercising and I suck at it. I get all winded and sweaty. I've always wanted to be a runner though. And my best friend got me an mp3 player, so that's going to be my motivation to get my ass in gear. I'm not even trying to lose weight, although that would be an awesome side result.

4) Writing. I come to my blog to vent, but I need to practice my craft of writing more. Actually, I'm getting a lot better at it, but if I'm going to make humor my main goal, I've got to do more writing on it.

5) Taking better care of my health. I was diagnosed with a sickness a while ago and my whole life has changed because of it. If I'm not careful, I could get really sick or even die. Not trying to be morbid, but that's just what it is. I'm not scared though, I've just got to be careful.

Loyalty

I pride myself on the unrelenting friendship that I give. Anyone that's ever been close to me will tell you that I'm one of the most loyal and ride or die people that you'll ever meet. I've lent (given) money, I've given countless rides, I've taken in 6 couch surfers over the years, I've taken a multitude of phone calls from friends crying about relationship issues, I've fed people, and I've pretty much been the kind of friend that I'd like to have.

The one thing I absolutely cannot and will not tolerate is betrayal. I've recently had to deal with betrayal from family, of all things. I can't say that I'm all that surprised, but yes, I am hurt. It's cool though. Sadly, my family hasn't been all that supportive of me throughout the years anyway but it's effed up when someone dies and folks come out of the wood works to apologize for being douchebags, only to turn around and continue being douchebags later. I can't say that I'm too hurt though, because every time I fall out with them, I turn around and see how loyal my true friends are. And although I'm not religious, I've got to admit that someone or something out there truly loves me, because I'm surrounded by some of the most incredible friends that a woman could hope for.

As a matter of fact, I recently hit up my friend Portia and asked her if I was overreacting in being pissed about the betrayal. She told me that I as absolutely justified and gave the example of how when my stalker (y'all know, the slutbag bitch that won't get a damned life) sent her a friend invite on Facebook, she promptly deleted it. I was absolutely floored. I'd had no idea that sleezy skeezer tried to buddy up to a friend of mine, but my homie squashed it before it even started. Now that is my HOMIE!! Portia didn't even call me and ask me what to do, she simply decided on her own that she wasn't going to buddy up with someone that I wasn't cool with. I honestly would have reacted the same way. The cool thing was that she didn't even find it necessary to tell me about it until now. She simply did right by me, and kept it moving.

The funny thing is that one of my betrayers is actually someone that I'd fallen out with before and only linked back up with recently. That person had the nerve to make some really fucked up comments about my son and I promptly put her ass on my "not to be fucked with" list. So for 2 years she called me, texted me, emailed me, and even tried to talk to relatives to get me to be cool with her again. My response was always the same- apologize for what you said about my kid. For 2 years, she refused to apologize. And for 2 years, I told her to kiss my ass.

I remember how once, a few days before Christmas, she hit me up and told me she wanted us to be cool. I demanded an apology for disrespecting my baby. She refused. I hung up. She called back and told me that a friend of hers had recently lost a relative, and she didn't want us to be strained. Again, I demanded an apology. Again, she refused. Again I hung up. She did eventually apologize. It's just sad that she had to miss so much of my son's life because of her own goddamned ego. And now she's doing this fucked up shit. I'm not surprised.

I have to admit, being the object of someone's hate isn't all that new for me. Hell, even getting text messages from the people that supposedly hate me, begging for a relationship with me isn't new. I just find it humorous that so many people seem to hate me so much, yet those same people are the ones that contact ME. If I'm such a bitch, leave me alone and let me live my life. There are far more people that love me for who and what I am, so if I'm a bitch, or childish, or whatever people want to call me, dammit, let me do me. I think that those same people that claim to hate me, underneath it all, understand what a wonderful friend I really am, and they know they're missing out. They really hate me because I've done good for them, they eventually fucked up, and I cut them off, so they're missing my friendship. Enter the misplaced hate. They hate me for moving on without them, and they hate me for doing good without their friendship. They should really hate themselves for missing out on me. I think they secretly do.

It's all good though. My son has over a dozen pretend aunts that love him more than he'll ever know. If pretend aunts are more loyal than his real aunts, that's good enough for us.

what won't make it with me into 2010

i've been through more shit than a little bit for the last month. i'm trying to be positive and stay the cynical, twisted mofo that you've all come to know and love, but unfortunately there have been negative forces at hand, working to knock me off of my core. here i will compile a list of people, habits, and ideas that WILL NOT follow me into the new year. my goal is to lay low for the rest of 2009 and focus on being the hot milf that i normally am and focus on making 2010 work for me.

1) this skanky ass whore that my roommate is fucking. i haven't written about her, but this hoe is ungrateful, uncouth, a hypocrite, and a walking example of why i think church should be avoided. this ignorant cunt considers herself a minister. bitch please. anyway, this loud, country, big ass fake hoodrat is OFFICIALLY not even on my radar for the upcoming year.

2) staying here!! my apartment makes me miserable. i'm ready to take my baby and relocate to a cozy little home in decatur. perhaps pookie will come with me, perhaps not. either way, i'm high tailing it to my new home. this isn't gonna be my residence for all of 2010.

3) jealous ass relatives. one of my relative had the GALL to crack on my son for being non-verbal. those that live in glass crack pipes shouldn't throw stones. anyway, my baby is here and he's mine. i love every hair on his head and i wouldn't change a thing about him. as a matter of fact, any jealous hoes that can't get or keep a man, or that were too damned lazy to raise their own kids, need to keep their nose up out of me and mine. my son is happy and healthy and he loves is mama! and i love him back.

4) negative relatives. another had the nerve to say that i'm living off of pookie. i'm very blessed that pookie was around to help me get out of school. now the plan is for me to help him get out of school. petty, bitter ass women kill me being mad anytime a woman has a good man around to help her. i hauled ass to graduate from school for my son. i'm not planning to be the same kind of parental support (or lack there of) that i had. dad held me down. as for the other parent...

5) unemployment. thankfully i've been able to spend a lot of time with my son, and that is absolutely precious. but the time has come for me to make major bread. i'm making a little money through one of the websites i'm writing for, but i need more paper. 2010 is going to be the year of gainful employment for me. dad has a good connect for me, so while i wait for other things to pop off, i'll have a side gig to make some decent money.

6) negativity in general. all of these negative folks have really rocked me. i try so hard to stay the course, but i'm only human and i feel like i've got the world on my shoulders. i'm blessed with some of the dopest and most loyal friends (and select fam) that a girl could ask for. i wish i could let them all know from the bottom of my heart how much their friendship has meant to me. i'll lean more on them and remember to reflect the positive vibes that they give me.

7) chloe. this chick is too fucking pathetic to even care about. man, that heifer even came on here, leaving comments, hoping that she'd start beef with me, and direct traffic to her blog. i deleted her comments and kept it rolling. perhaps if she wrote about more than just her cats and her baby daddy, someone would give a damn about what she's doing. and i don't even know for sure what she writes about, but the only thing that disease infested cumbucket has going for herself is the dude she tricked into knocking her up and her fucking his best friend. i know, classy, right? anyway, that pathetic skeezer is also falling off the radar. hopefully her wack ass won't pop back up. but then again, she's my stalker, so i've come to expect that she'll try to pop up because she's starved for my attention. of course she's really just jealous of me, but she tries to hide that with her pretend hatred of me. if she wasn't such a nobody, i'd actually pity her. moving on...

8) expectations. so often i get disappointed when i try to label or place things were i think they need to be. i'm going to let go of the things that i can't control and accept things as they are and as they're meant to be. i've got no expectations of me and pookie or much else. actually, i have decided what direction pookie and i should move in and he and i are on the same page, which i'm happy about. i'm not going to elaborate on it, but we both know what the best thing for eachother and our friendship is. anyway, i'm setting a few personal and professional goals, but other than that, i'll simply give it to the higher power, while i try to focus on being the best person i can be.

so there we have it. my list of things that won't make it into 2010 with me. i'm going to bed now. i had to get that off of my chest. nighties all.

Open Invitations

Recently, I went outside to talk with my neighbor as she walked her daughter from the bus stop. Coincidentally, another neighbor was with her (woman I'd seen around, but never met before), and her son and my son took to eachother instantly. I was really glad to see my son playing with someone his own age, since he's normally not really social with other children. Not only that, my son isn't all that verbal, so I've been making it a point to try to get him to hang with other kids so he'll start to talk. The other woman said that her son has 3 sisters and she was glad to see him interacting and getting to wrestle and play around with another boy. Seeing the mutually beneficial relationship in this, we agreed that we should let our sons get together more often.

Being a stay at home mother myself, I asked her if she was home during the day. She replied that no, she's not home during the day, but her husband is. She was implying that she would have no problem with me going to her home so our sons could play while she was working and her husband was home. I guess she sensed my apprehension, so she followed it with telling me that she was home on Fridays and that the kids could get together then. I nodded and agreed that Fridays are good.

As I sat back and reflected on it later, I couldn't believe that she would invite me into her home, with her husband while she was gone. WTF?! She is obviously a very trusting woman and I'm sure that her husband is a great guy. But there is absolutely no way I'd meet a woman, speak with her casually, not know a damned thing about her, and invite her into my home, with my man, while I'm gone. While I do understand the necessity of our kids playing together, it's certainly not worth inviting what could be a bad look.

I made it known that I would go by on Fridays instead, because I don't want my name or likeness to be associated with any foolishness (okay, ANYMORE foolishness, but don't judge me). The last thing I need is for one of my neighbors to go to her and claim that they saw me going by the house all dressed up, and I was in her home for a while with the door closed. No ma'am. If I'm home with my son and we're really restless, at most, I may knock on the door and ask the husband and his little ones to come out and play. I don't even think I'd go into his home to tinkle. It's just not worth it.

I told myself that one day, I'd invite my two female neighbors over for a glass of wine, and once we chilled and got to talking about relationships and whatnot, I'd tell her to be careful about who she invites into her home. I was woman enough to avoid a bad situation. The next time, she may not be so lucky.

Victory Through Violence- I Beat My Bully's Ass

i've talked at length about growing up and hating myself. there was a person in my life that physically and verbally assaulted me for years. she made me hate myself. and i'm not gonna put who that cunt is out there (because she doesn't deserve a mention on my precious blog), but long story short, she and i just go into a fight. and I WHOOPED HER ASS!!! god, i feel so GOOD!! i spent my whole life being afraid of a chick who was only able to pull my hair! i feel like was fighting a 16-year-old white girl!! She kept saying "put your hands on me!!" so i pushed her!! she obviously wasn't expecting me to push her since she fell on her butt! so ensue fight!!

*hugging my mothereffing self!!*

i feel like i got that monkey off my back. i don't think that i'll ever need to raise my hands to another person again because i was finally able to beat the ass of the chick that really deserved it. all of my anger and negative energy and thoughts are gone! i feel nothing but love and inner peace. i'm actually smiling over here. this is the first time in my life that i've ever walked away from a fight with a smile on my face. i feel like i could run a mile. goodness knows that i won't because i'm still lazy as hell, but i feel like i could.

not only did i beat her, i beat my demons! i beat my fear!!! i conquered her!! i should be upset. i should be over here nursing wounds, but i don't have any!! i did it!! i don't advocate violence. quite the opposite (although quite honestly, i do wish i'd have thrown more punches). but much like the man i was named after (El Hajj Malik Shabaaz aka Malcolm X), i feel that sometimes you have to swing the axe. and i did. i beat her ass for all of those little Black girls who somebody told them they wouldn't be shit. i beat her ass for all of those women that have had some negative jealous bitch tell her that she didn't deserve love. YOU DO DESERVE LOVE!! i know because I HAVE LOVE!! i hated myself for so long, but i didn't have to!! i beat her ass and i beat MY DEMONS!!

this is the third best thing that's ever happened to me after giving birth and graduating college. and i'd GLADLY do it again.

p.s. gosh she's silly. she just sent me a LONG series of text messages saying that she got a loc of hair. a) that's not true, my hair is pretty healthy and i checked, all of my locs are in place. she's also threatening to call the police. sorry, no fear. no one comes into my home and cuts up the way she did. BWAHAHAHAHA!!! i'm getting stronger and stronger.

This Is What Thanksgiving Should Look Like

Goodness knows how much I love pookie. This man stresses me to no end, but I'd take a bullet for this asshole. However, one of my many gripes about him lies in the fact that I can say something to him like "you and I are invited to a friend's house for drinks this weekend" and he'll say okay, but when the time comes, he looks at me like I'm speaking Russian.
I've come to accept that this is just a part of him that I sometimes have to deal with. So despite the fact that we've been pretty pissed at one another for the last few weeks, I called him while he was on the road with his job to let him know that our friends were coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. He actually replied with "cool," as if he looked forward to seeing his homeboy. So imagine my surprise when the day before Turkey Day, he tells me he wants to wake early to go visit his parents. I reminded him that we were expecting guests so we were going to be expected to cook a meal. He looked at me and said "why didn't you tell me they were coming?" *sigh* So we went back and forth, and he relented, since he was in fact, happy to see his homeboy.
Long story short, our friends weren't able to make it, but my nephew was here, and it was pretty cool despite the changes. Pookie knocked out the turkey and sweet potatoes, while I cooked the string bean casserole, macaroni & cheese, and gravy & dressing. It wasn't too bad, if I do say so myself. I'm proud of the fact that only thing that was premade was the rolls and cranberry sauce. Other than that, we prepped and cooked it all ourselves.
That night we stopped by our friends' home, and Pookie and I were glad that the boy was socializing with their daughter. Pumpkin has been speech delayed and he's only recently been open to playing with other children, so we relish in watching him interact with other kids. For a minute he was so anti-social, I was starting to think that he took after my older sister. Then it was off to Pookie's mom's house and we had a pretty good time with her as Pookie and his brother trash talked one another (as all brothers do) and watched sports with my nephew.
Next was off to Pookie's dad's house. I didn't really know what to expect from the whole ordeal, but we really had a nice time. He and I were blessed enough to bury the hatchet after he dealt with a death in his family as I also dealt with the loss of my cousin. (On a side note, I sometimes think that the purpose of Jarronn's death in my life was to bring me closer to family. I've reached out to cousins far more than I ever did before and my sisters and I have buried the hatchet on all of our old issues). Anyway, we talked and I found myself thinking "man, I've had him pegged wrong, he's actually alright." He was hospitable to us and I really felt like I was with family. We asked him to cut my son's hair, which I learned is quite and ordeal. He joked about how ghetto is was to cut the boy's hair at the Thanksgiving table. My son screamed bloody murder and I actually fought back tears as my son appeared to be begging for his life. I'm thankful that it was done though, because he really needed it. He's two now, but that was only his third haircut in his life.
So anyway, I'm not sure if he still reads my blogs, but I hope he does. Because this year was was what a Thanksgiving was supposed to feel like. I love my family.

The Discussion of Death

Last night, on my way to girls' night in with the ladies, I started to have a thought. If my mother got as sick and unable to take care of herself as her mother did, would she want to come stay with me and/or my sisters, would she want to go into a home (and if so, which one?), or would she want to remain in her own home? While the question was fresh on my mind, I rang her phone, but she didn't answer, so I made a mental note to ask her later.

While with the ladies, I asked them if they too had had made arrangements, or if they at least had a clue what their parents final wishes would be. They all looked at me as if I had a touched on something that is supposed to remain unthought of. They all pretty much said "No!" in that way of suggesting that they had no intentions of discussing the demise of their parents.

Perhaps its the fact that we watched our mother watch her parents grow old, that let me and my sisters know that we should have a plan in the worst case scenario. I remember that Terri Schiavo case, and her parents' plea to keep her alive, and her husband's plea to pull the plug already. During that time, my mother and I had a casual conversation about in the case of either of us being in that state, we'd prefer to pull the plug. I pretty much said that if I was out for more than a couple of weeks, it was okay to let me go. Now that I have the little one here, I'd want them to give me more than just a few weeks to see if I'll make it, but I sure as hell don't want to be hooked up to a machine for years on end. I've always said that if I couldn't enjoy walking through the grass on a summer morning and feeling the fresh dew on my feet, then it was okay to let me go. I agree with my moms, none of that vegetable stuff for me. Let me go to meet my maker already.

So anyway, my girlfriends think it's too morbid to discuss the worst case scenario with their parents. Well of my girlfriends, one is an only child, so at least she won't have to fight with a sibling over arrangements, another has a sibling, but she's the more steady of the two, so she'd be in charge, another friend has a sister and they're both pretty stable, and then there's me with a sister in New York, a sister in Japan, and me in Atlanta. And mom is in Orlando, Florida. As diverse as my friends' situations are, we all NEED a plan.

Of the crew of homegirls, I'm the youngest at 29, but the oldest is 31, so realistically, we're all dealing with aging parents. They may not be elderly or using canes, yet, but we all know the time is coming. As a matter of fact one of my friends was complaining about throwing out her back 3 times. If she's throwing out her back at her age, imagine what kind of stuff our parents must be going through.

So anyway, I'm encouraging people to discuss things with their parents already. I know that many people don't like to think about their own mortality, but it's inevitable. We're going to die, it's a fact. Black people are especially bad about not making plans for the end. Loved ones need to know how you want your money divided, whether you want to be buried or cremated, and who gets what. So YES, I feel quite comfortable asking my mom about her final rest, it avoids conflict and speculation between me and my sisters down the road.

By the way, she told me that she wants to stay in her own home, with the occasional help of a nurse.

Young Hearts, Run Free! PLEASE!!

Today started out as pretty good day. I had my interview with Pretty Ricky this afternoon and they were so down to earth and relatable that I really had a great time. When I'm done with my interview, I'll post it here. Anyway, before I got there, I stopped in with my cousin and told him about a former classmate of mine that was trying to get her foot into the media field and he told me to have her give him a call.

So imagine my surprise when I called her to tell her that I could have a chance for her to get some experience and she sounded less than enthused and explains that she's got other things going on. I asked what and she said, plainly, that she'd getting married next week. Being that I'm not one to hold my tongue, I pretty much said "I support your decision, but don't do it." She told me that of all the people she's told, I was the only one that told her not to do it.

Its not that I don't like the guy. He's pretty nice. My concern was moreso for her. She's 22-years-old, still completing school, no children and got her whole life ahead of her. Why screw that up with marriage? Now I've said it before, I'm actually pro-marriage. However my multitude of bad relationships have led me to see a shipwreck a mile away, and I'd bet a kidney that this is one in the making. There is also the issue of them both residing in her mother's home and the fact that she's only known this guy for a year. The funny thing is that she said that them being together for a year showed that they should make it official. On the contrary, I see them being together for only a year suggests that they've still got more living and learning to do. Its not like they were high school sweethearts or anything.

Now on the contrary I actually know of two couples that got married at a young age, and years later, both couples are still together. But just like it was explained in the movie "He's Just Not That Into You," you don't base your life on those stories that you hear about when people beat the odds because those cases are rare exceptions to the rule. So while I'm happy that those young couples were able to make their marriages work, I sure wouldn't advise another young person to make the same leap.

I've got another friend that got married young and while she loves her husband and her children, she wonders how her life would have been if she'd had started a career pre-husband and children instead of post.

My final reason for telling my friend not to do it is that quite frankly, I'm not the same woman that I was when I was 22, and I'm proud to say that. There were men that I wanted to marry back then, that I wouldn't let hold the door for me now. I've matured and grown so much. And there's no guarantee that the men that I loved back then would have grown at the same rate, in the same direction. Twenty-two and twenty-nine may only be seven years apart, but they're a lifetime apart in terms of mental, professional, and emotional growth.

So anyway, I called my girlfriend back to continue our conversation and told her the same reason that I just told you, my reader, that she shouldn't get married. I could tell in her voice that she wasn't listening. So apparently, I'm the only friend she has that told her it's a bad idea. Most of her friends are young like her. She needs to surround herself with people that have had some real life experience.

Making Unemployment Work

Well, it isn't much of a secret, but I've been unemployed for a minute now. I graduated from Kennesaw State University in May of '09 with a degree in Communications and I've looked high and low for a good job to support me and and the boy. Of course Pookie has done a wonderful job of taking care of us, but Mama didn't raise no fool and I know that I've got to start making my own bread in case (God forbid) Pookie drops dead or finds some new chick to do naughty favors for him. I've interviewed at quite a few places and sent out countless resumes. I even cut short my vacation in Florida visiting my mom, just so I could interview for a job that I didn't even get. Nice.

The last few weeks have finally started to show my life some real direction and I couldn't be more proud of that. As I'd stated in an earlier post, I got my first article published for my cousin's website and I've published about 3 other articles since that one. Well, for the other website I write for, I got published there last week.

http://www.flaimahmy.com/2009/11/12/quick-and-inexpensive-tips-for-looking-your-best/

Last week my cousin called me to ask if I'd be available to interview the group Pretty Ricky and unfortunately, I wasn't available. I thought that I'd ticked him off when I told him that I couldn't do it, but he called me again today to ask if I could do it. So I'm actually going to be interviewing Pretty Ricky this Tuesday! I've done a few celeb interviews on Lady Rerun's Radio Show, but this will be my first transcribed interview. I'm so excited.

On top of that, last Thursday morning, Lady Rerun (I know her as Portia, my friend from elementary school) called me to ask whether I thought she'd be a good director for the Plus Teen USA Pageant. After weighing ying the pros and cons, I told her that I thought it would be a great opportunity and that if she did it, I'd love to help her. Well Portia ended up being the Regional Director, and Portia appointed me as the head of Georgia's recruiting and she and I are working together to put together the pageant. Actually, the pageant is a paying job. The funny thing is that I'd have done if for free. As a young girl that grew up being overweight and with low self esteem, I felt that this would be my chance to give back. When I was growing up, I'd often imagine that older and cooler me, would go back and tell younger and geekier me that things would be okay. This pageant will be my chance to do so.

It's crazy that none of these blessings would have fallen into my lap if I'd had a job. Actually, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be landing this government job soon (fingers crossed!) but I learned to utilize my time and my skills to further my career. My ultimate goal is to work for myself and the more exposure I get on various projects, the more contacts I make. So thank you world, for giving me the last few months to follow my heart and my dreams. This new job will help to fund more projects and help me to move that much further along. I hope that other unemployed people are able to take this time to make their dreams come true. Because I sure am.

Dating A Friend's Ex

I saw something about this earlier so I figured that I'd chime in on it also. There seems to be a steady rule out there that you don't date people that your friend has once been romantically associated with. For many, this rule is set in stone, and to go against it means that not only are you a crappy friend, you're also a complete skeezer. Like many other rules about social norms, I'm finding myself partly disagreeing on this one.

Now, I'll just say that if your best friend dated a man for five years and they talked at length about getting married, YES, he is, in fact, off limits. But what if your homegirl and some dude got it in on the regular for a month or two, but all they did was date and kick it? Is he still off limits? In my opinion, no. Most women that are moderately attractive have casually dated more men than we care to remember. If my homegirl thinks that she can find a potential true love match with someone that I casually dated, who am I to stop love and happiness? But I should also interject with the fact that it shouldn't be her linking up with a guy a week or two after he and I end things.

I guess I consider myself a bit of an expert on the issue since I've been on the "offending" side before. I was once out when I met a guy that wanted me. At the time I was dating someone, and I felt that he'd make an awesome bf for my homegirl at the time, so I told him that I couldn't get with him, but I'd link him with my homegirl. Every now and again while they were dating, he told me that he still wanted me, but I wasn't going to mess with my homie's dude. Eventually she and he parted ways, and my guy and I parted ways. Then she and I parted ways (for one reason or another). She and I had stopped talking for 6 months or so and I had no intention of speaking to her EVER again. He and I then hooked up briefly.

When she and I became friends again, I confessed to her what I'd done and she hit the roof. I even reminded her that we weren't cool at the time and it's not like I was waiting to get my claws on the guy. She eventually forgave me, but she was PISSED.

Now, in my world, I think it would be quite unfair to tell my girlfriends that every man that I've ever dated is off limits. Hell, that's half of Atlanta's Black men alone. So instead I have a short (but constant) list of men that I consider my exes- Armond, David, Sebastian, Pookie.

Armond is married and recently had a kid, so I don't have to worry about any of my friends hooking up with him. Then there's David. David is currently with that tacky ass whore, and that, I'd say is exactly what his trifling ass deserves. David actually once got pissed at me when he joked about me possibly hooking him up with a girlfriend of mine and I told him, no, because he was on "the list." What the hell would I look like hooking up my ex of 8 years with one of my homegirls? Moving on, Sebastian and I are actually like brother and sister now and he's got a girl, but if he got with one of my female friends, I'd be pretty okay with that. And then there's Pookie. Pookie is my son's father and I would NEVER be okay with ANY of my friends getting with him. Actually, Sebastian is the only one on the list that I'd be okay with dating my friends. That's only because our relationship is so platonic now, he really is like a big brother to me. With the other men, I'm constantly reminded of who and what we were.

To prove how okay I am with my friends dating my casual buddies, I offer this story. About 7 or 8 years ago I dated a guy that was an asshole. Actually, he wasn't an asshole but he and I were just alike. I mean just alike. We were both pretty sarcastic, but sensitive at the same time. We pissed eachother off like mad. But we were really drawn to one another. We never hooked up or anything, despite him wanting to. Anyway, we eventually parted ways. A year or two later, my friend confessed to me that she had gotten with him after he and I were over and that she'd gotten pregnant by him and aborted the baby. She was even kind of embarassed to tell me about it. I assured her that I didn't hold it against her and I still don't. My only question was how was the sex and she said that it wasn't worth mentioning, which I was glad to know that I didn't miss much. I hadn't thought about the guy in some years, so why would I get mad if my homegirl got with him?

So anyway, my point is that people shouldn't feel that they've got some kind of hold on anyone that they've ever exchanged phone numbers with. When you think about it logically, it makes perfect sense that a friend and a guy that you've dated could have a lot in common. People tend to hang out with friends that have similar mental characteristics, so it its only natural that an ex and a friend could have a potential connection. If you feel that your friend could have a love connection with some dude that you knew in passing, give them your blessing. The world needs more love. You've apparently moved on, so why can't they?

i can't sleep

i got my first (and second) article published this week. yay. other than that, this week has been pretty shitty. i really just want to crawl up into a ball and to be left the hell alone. i don't know if it was that ignorant cunt coming on my blog, this shit with that other chick, or me being pissed at old boy. i just want to sleep. but i can't. the crazy thing is that chloe and i actually could have been friends because we do have a lot in common, but she's so shady and such a liar that she can't be trusted. she's made it her mission to make my life hell, but all the while telling me how jealous she is and that she wants to be friends. huh? no thank you, i have enough problems.
i need rest, i need to feel rejuvenated. thanksgiving will be here soon. a part of me is stoked, but a part of me just wants it to be over already. i don't even know why i've been blogging so much lately. i guess i just needed the release. no humor over here, too much stress for that. too many serious thoughts going through my head. too many unanswered questions. too many answers that i didn't like. why can't i be given the benefit of the doubt after all this time? when will my past stop affecting my future? *sigh*

Dreams: Having Them and Living Them

Man, I'm so freaking sick of this mess. Everytime that evil ignorant ass skank pops up, I'm reminded of the past. And now its creeping into my dreams. My concious life is strange enough without visions of the past and alternate future sneaking into my unconcious life. I should be dreaming of the vacation i'm going to be taking pookie on, once I start this new job. I should be dreaming of how successful and happy my son would be. Or even having dreams about how dope my digital magazine will be (coming soon!! Look out for it in 2010!) No, instead I'm having dreams about my ex. What the fuck? I remember that he wanted to fuck me in the dream. But I don't really recall being all that excited about it. Its funny, if I wanted to see, talk to, or even fcuck that funky wack ass bastard, I'm sure that I could. But I wouldn't for a few reasons. 1) His dick has been in that nasty ass hoe, so I'm sure it'll be falling off any day now, both from disease and from the sheer terror of going where so so so so so many other men have gone before. 2) With my ex it was fucking, with Pookie, it's making love. Yeah, its freaky to a tee, but it's still making love.

I remember the first time that Pookie and I had sex and I remember the feeling of "this is what making love feels like." I remember how concerned he was and how much we kissed. I remember feeling blissful. Of course there was the awkwardness of the first time two people have sex, but even with that first time awkwardness, I still felt a huge difference. And I've been hooked on his soul ever since.

My cousin's recent death has had me thinking what I'd do if I lost Pookie. I think I'd be in a mental institution. The night after I got the news about my cousin, Pookie went out. I called him about 5 times that night only to make sure that he was okay. Sometimes he gets so irritated when I bug him to let me know that he's coming home. He's blessed enough to have never gotten the news that he'll never see his best friend again. I've had to live that nightmare twice. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Your stomach knots up, your heart races, your mouth gets dry, your mind leaves. You try to digest it that you'll never see your loved one again. Every time you hear a song or think about a certain moment, you cry at the drop of a hat. Pookie is lucky, even though his life hasn't been easy either.

Pookie has good dreams about good times.

I have dreams about dumbasses and I've lived a few nightmares.

Why Can't I Be Great?

The first time I read Kanye's rant on his blog stating "why can't I be great?" I, like the rest of the planet, wanted to strangle him. But the more I think about, the more true it is. It's like people want you to settle for mediocrity, just because that's what they're stuck with. But the moment you start to SHINE, folks want to tell you to sit down. Its's like they want you to feel guilty for being successful and happy.

My 29 years on this planet have been long, painful, and sweet. But despite it all, I think that I've come out okay. Of course I've got my stalkers and detractors, but that's because they're caught up in their own worthlessness and feelings of inadequacy. It's like I'm a magnet for mofos that made poor choices in life, so the only way they can regain any control is to mess up any feelings of peace and serenity that I get.

I should get a t-shirt that says "Friends Wanted- Crazy bitches need not apply." Now don't get me wrong, I do have some homies that are crazy bitches. But they're the good kind of crazy bitch. We all need a crazy bitch that will ride or die. The kind of home girl that would take the witness stand and lie her ass off for you. The kind of woman that when you're in the club and 4 or 5 chicks look like they want a piece of you, even though she knows she might get stomped out, she never leaves your side. I pride myself on being that kind of crazy bitch.

But then there's the OTHER kind of crazy bitch. The bitch that lies for no reason at all. The kind that wants to fuck your man first chance she gets. The one that will tell everyone that your man secretly want her, even though you all know that he's not checking for her wack ass. Those petty hoes that google you, and go onto your blog and make ignorant ass comments because they're so unhappy in their own miserable lives. Yep, crazy bitches.

It's all good though. Because I'm STILL great.

Days

Its amazing how much things can change in a day. In a day children are created. In a day (or several) they are born. And one day, hopefully when the child is way old, they are then gone.
So many changes can encompass my life over the course of a day. I can go from content to pissed off to hurt to apathetic. All in less than a day. I need to work harder for my days to be more productive for me. The problem is that I'm waiting for enough days to pass until things are finally right. How many days will that be? I dunno, there have been so many.
Every day I watch him grow bigger and stronger. I love him so much. I want the world for him. And I'm going to give it to him.
One day.

Falling

Yeah, I erased the other blogs. I put the blog about Erica some where else so they'll still see that when its googled. I took down the blog about that other cunt because frankly she doesn't deserve a whole freaking blog, she's not even worth it.

So anyway, recently, I was invited to be a freelancer with a digital magazine. To say that I was excited about the chance is a vast understatement. I was thrilled. Me. Finally. A writer. And I'd even be paid for it. Not paid very much, but paid none the less. And then to make matters better I told my cousin, Ali, about my being a freelancer for the magazine and he basically told me that the woman that runs the magazine is a cousin of his and in effect, a cousin of mine. Ali also has a website that he then invited me to write for. Even better. Once again, I am a writer. Twice!

As much as I've enjoyed my chance to call myself a writer for the digital mag, I'm finding that if I ran my own digital magazine, I could do things differently. I'd handle business differently and the writing would be different. The whole format would be different. No love lost to the owner of the first mag, I'll still post for her. I just saw a bigger picture in my own vision. So I got together a mental team of the people that would help to make my mag pop off. So far, things are still in the planning stages, but I've got big plans. And I've got two homegirls already down to write. This is gonna be BIG yall!

This morning, I woke up thinking about my time in school. When I started off, I wanted to be an English/Journalism major. But then I changed my major to Business. I found that I didn't like Kennesaw's business program (no love lost to my alma mater) but I finally settled on Communications to get my degree in. How funny is it that all of that moving around caused me to come to the point where I'm ready to put together my own digital magazine? Of course the English course helped with the writing (Dr. Eva Benjamin, you are my IDOL thank you for the love at KSU!) , and the Business courses gave me a good grip on creativity (Ms. Wanda Benjamin, you ROCK!!- thanks for the love at Life University), marketing, and entrepreurship. Last the Communication degree has given me so much insight and input on media (Shouts to Birgit Wassmuth, the head of the Comm Dept at Kennesaw State University, Dr. Chuck Aust, and Dr. Richard Welch).

I can't lie, there were many days that I wanted to give up. It was impossible to get a full time job while I was in school in the middle of the week. Don't get me wrong, of course I did work some professional office jobs, but I spent plenty of time in retail too. I worked a few bookstores also since it correlated so much with my major of Comm. And I made some awesome friends while I was there. Now I'm able to utilize the skills I learned the whole time I was in school to make my education come full circle. How lucky am I?

Yes, this morning it dawned on me that everything that I went through, led me here. When I initially graduated back in May, I had no clue what I wanted to do. I was so desperate for a job, I wanted to do dang near anything and I even considered going back and getting a tech degree. Now here it is a few months later and the chips are stacking for me to do something that I love and to even make a decent living at it doing it. All of the networking that I've done and all of the friends that I've made have had me come here. The chips are stacking nicely. Thank you world.

p.s. to my haters. i got my first article published today. yay me!!
http://kreativesouls.com/?p=2995

Trashy Lingerie, Raunchy Sex, and Vulnerability

Today my friend asked me to come with her to buy some sexy undies that her hubby would appreciate. I've always considered underwear shopping to be the girliest thing on the planet that a women can do together so I jumped at the chance for us to bond over bras and panties.

I actually arrived at Macy's before she did so I walked up the counter and said "Show me something nasty." The sales girls laughed at my bluntness.

My homegirl arrived shortly thereafter and I showed her the bras, panties, short skirts, and hosiery I thought would look nice on her. We looked through it for a while but my friend and I couldn't quite agree on what she should get.

I thought she'd look nice with a sexy lace bra and a skanty (skirt & panty combo) and garter set with some sexy thigh high stockings. My friend wasn't willing to go quite that far in her selection. Personally, I think that when it comes to sexy time with the hubby, there's nothing wrong with taking it to the next level. I wanted to punch my friend in the throat for saying that she's too big to wear the good stuff. She isn't big at all. But she still wanted something more tame.


I reminded her how much her hubby loved that she'd finally put on a few more pounds. I even suggested that perhaps they should take a day to go shopping together so she could know what he likes. She told me that she already knows what he likes, she just doesn't agree with it. The more I suggested that there's nothing wrong with looking like an S-L-U-T, the more she wanted the tamer stuff. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I'd brought my little munchkin and she'd brought her 3-year-old daughter so rather than me managing to say all of the naughty words that I'd normally say, I had to spell and whisper all of the fun words. Do you know how boring a conversation about sex is, when you have to spell out all of the dirty words?

Anyway, I'd started to feel that perhaps my friend's shyness kept her from fully getting dirty. I'm not allowed to really get into my own sex life here {damned censors!!} but I can say that that well, its AWESOME!! And a big part of what makes it awesome is my comfort level with him, and his with me. He thinks I'm lying when I say this, but he really is better than the ex I was with for 10 years. Its better because there's no competition, and I'm free to really enjoy it. Sex isn't a weapon, its a beautiful, dirty, free expression of love. And its GOOD. There's no hiding who and what I am. I can be vulnerable and trust him to love me the way I am. There is something so awesome about two people being able to open up sexually and just let go.

I really wanted my friend to get to that level of comfort with her husband. I knew that if she allowed herself to give more, she just may enjoy it. My personal motto is that I'll try damned near anything once. Its gotten me pretty far already, so maybe it would work for her. Not only that, although I didn't say it, I was thinking it. Y'all know the saying- whatever you won't do in the bedroom for your boo, somebody else will. I didn't want to plant a seed of doubt in my friend's head and make her all self-concious, because honestly, I think her husband is an upstanding, honest husband. He loves her and their child and I can't see him stepping out. But let's be honest here, many men have stepped out for being unfulfilled in their sex lives. I don't want to speculate on their sex life because it could seriously be off the chain. However, if she's afraid to show a little tummy, she's probably holding out in other areas also. I knew that bringing out her inner slut would open up not only her sex life but her level of comfort and her awareness of her own inner beauty.

So now, because I love her, my goal is to make her reach her maximum level of comfort. By making her dress like a W-H-O-R-E.

The Christmas Crunch A.K.A. Why I Pity Jehovah's Witnesses

I, like most people with young children, have begun the process of deciding what toys I want to buy for my little cherub, and trying to figure out how the hell I'm going to pay for it. Pookie, being a tad less traditional than myself, feels that at the age of 2, Caleb is a tad too young for us to go all out. Unfortunately for Pookie, Malika feels that this, being Caleb's third Christmas on this planet, will be the year that we go all out on gifts.
We didn't get a tree last year, and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't heart broken about that. Last year all I'd wanted was a tree and to buy gifts for Pookie and Caleb. I wanted for them to run into the living room and light up at the sight of a beautiful tree and dozens of gifts. Long story short, it didn't happen. And this is the year to redeem myself and my idea of what Christmas is supposed to look like.

I've noticed the commercials that says that Kmart has layaway, and I got excited about that being our potential option for my little pumpkin to get his much deserved December 25th. But then I walked my butt through Kmart, only to discover that, well, Kmart sucks. Seriously, its overpriced, under lit, dirty, the customer service people there look like they're straight out of the prison mental ward and the toy section appears to have been organized into a system that was designed by blind monkeys with down syndrome. Sadly, I still had to leave Kmart open as an option. *sigh*

Anyway, despite what Pookie plans to do (or in his case, not do) this Christmas WILL happen. One woman offered to lend us her plastic tree. That's another option I'm going to have to leave open, since I've really got my heart set on a real tree. I remember the first year that my mother got a plastic tree, and needless to say, Malika the traditionalist wasn't too happy. One of my primary complaints was that the plastic tree lacked that pine smell that filled our home. My moms actually found a spray that smelled exactly like a pine tree. Strange. She did it to make my little spoiled behind happy though. My only other gripe about the plastic tree was that it didn't leave those dang needles in the carpet that would stab your bare feet months after Christmas was long gone. Ah, the memories.

So anyway, yesterday, my roommate's friend came over and brought his son who is about Caleb's age. I chatted it up with the father and asked if he was going to celebrate Christmas, and he told me that no, he wouldn't. I guess he read my expression and explained that he was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and that to him and his family, Christmas is just another day. Don't get me wrong, I respect a person's right to worship or not worship whoever and whatever they want. I'm a borderline atheist myself. But there was something about hearing this man say that he had no intentions of buying his son a bunch of crap on Christmas that made my heart a little heavy. I explained to him that it wasn't just the toys. It was the excitement of seeing the child light up at the sight of all those presents. Its hearing the Temptations Christmas cd playing in the background. Its about the excitement of wrapping those presents. But it just didn't phase him.

Honestly, last year was the first Christmas that I even considered myself to celebrate in 10 years. Once I'd decided to no longer call myself a Christian, I no longer felt it necessary. I wasn't getting along with my family, so I made up reasons to avoid them during the holidays. But once I gave birth to my 10 pound 9.2 ounce angel, I wanted Christmas again. For him. And for me. And for Pookie. We are a family after all. One of the greatest joys I have experienced was last year was when I got Pookie a comforter and sheet set for his bed. Its kind of funny how he always appears to be so unexcited, but for people that really know him, you know how to tell when he's happy. And he was overjoyed.
So this year, I'm going for overjoyed for Caleb and his father. I want a big tree that reeks of pine and needles that get caught in our feet. I want to see Pookie break his back to get our ginormous tree through our front door and I want to hear him curse as he tries to figure out how to get the stupid thing to stand up straight in the stand.
I want Caleb babbling in background as I peck his father on the lips and wish him a Merry Christmas. Jehovah's Witnesses just don't get it.

Am I Becoming a Prude?

Last night, I caught up with a friend that I hadn't talked to in a while. I asked if he'd had any kids and he half-jokingly answered "none that I know of." I replied by stating how strange it is that many men answer the same question, the same way. He then said that he'd be lying if he said that he was sexually responsible in his youth, and I full heartedly agree about my own sexual indiscretions.

For some reason, I've been hearing about some of my friends sex lives lately and all I can think to myself is "SLOW DOWN!!" I may try to sugarcoat what I'm thinking, by calmly explaining that there's no need to drop trow with everyone that winks at you and pronounces your name correctly.

When did this become me? I try to keep a live and let live type of motto, but my freaky friends are getting harder for me not to pass judgement on and it really scares me. Its just that I care so much for my friends that I don't want any of them to get STD's or I don't want yet another female friend that hates her baby daddy. Condoms break and its possible to get herpes even with a condom.

I'm all for getting down and dirty with one person. I'm proud to say that my sex life couldn't be better, yet I've decided that once Pookie and I separate, I plan to go on a dating hiatus for a long while. I may still fool around with Pookie, and I may not. If he and I don't continue to fool around with him, I'll just have to put sex on hold. Its not that big of an issue. IT'S JUST SEX!!! I understand hormonally charged teenagers wanting to hump and be humped by everything they see, but for adults to be so wound up over getting their rocks off truly baffles me.

I guess their mentality is that of, if I want it, I'll have it and there's nothing wrong with that, because I am an adult. I feel like a parent pulling this one out, but here it goes anyway-

"Not everything that is good to you is good for you."

While I don't want to tell another adult how to run their life, I don't know how much longer I can be silent on the issue. Hearing my girlfriends spill the beans on how much they appreciate good dick and if some clown on the first date wants to give it up, then that's cool. Or another friend that religiously hops from relationship to relationship (part of me thinks its because he doesn't know how to be alone but that's for another blog), and he recently told me that after his recent breakup, he "just wants some pussy." *sigh* I offered to him that perhaps he should just stop having sex for a second and focus on making things right in other parts of his life. You'd have thought I said he should bite off his own right arm by the way he responded to that statement. He couldn't even explain why he needed sex, he just wanted it.

I've seen so many of my friends make major mistakes based on loose penis and cootchies. I've seen homegirls fall out, I've seen mother's neglect their children, I've seen marriages break up, I've seen people nearly fired, I've seen fights, scratched up cars, and broken hearts, all because of ass.

The funny thing is that now that I think about it, sex is almost like a drug for these people. If someone was constantly talking about how they had to get high, the world would suggest to them that they have a problem. Yet someone can constantly fiend for sex, and not enough people are willing to care enough to say "put the pussy DOWN!" Although truthfully, I don't think these people are sex fiends, they simply choose not to listen their grown up voice that tells them to go to sleep without an orgasm.

Perhaps I'm getting older. Maybe I am getting a tad more prudish- scratch that. I'm a grown woman now and I'm starting to understand the real meaning of responsiblity. Responsibility means that you don't have to hump somebody just because the opportunity presents itself. I don't want to judge or down my friends, I'd just like them to respect their bodies to the point where they don't feel it necessary to lay down with every idiot they come across. Is that too much to ask?

Wait For Love

I'm such a gemini. In the same breath that I can say I love my son's father, I can say that I hate him. The fact of the matter is that before I got with him, I was with my ex for 10 years. Between my 3 years with the man who is my best friend 50% of the time (that would be Caleb's daddy) and my ex, what I've come to see is that I'm truly okay being alone. Many of my girlfriends tell me not to give up on the prospect of being with pookie, but its relieving and freeing for me to not feel it necessary to fight for something that may or may not meant to be. God only knows how hard I tried to fight to hold on to my ex, and (thankfully) we see how that turned out. And after my ex, I got with another man that I tried desperately to make things work with. So far, we've managed to become friends and to have a wonderful child. Truthfully, I'm okay with the progress we've made. Yes we stumble, but as parents and as friends, we are a constant work in progress.

So anyway, to throw a wrench into my constantly trying to be a mature person, my ex's crazy baby mama has popped back up. This chick calling me at this point is laughable. I truly don't want my ex. I've moved on with my life, I have a child with another man, I live with said man, I've graduated college. My goals and my future are all focused around my son. So what does this tacky skeezer want? Same shit, different day. Dude is messing around, she's pissed and she wants sympathy from and drama with me. This crazy ho even had the nerve to tell me that she'd screwed her man's best friend in an attempt to make him leave, but he stayed with her which showed how dedicated he is to her (WTF?! where I come from, that makes you a HO, not someone's main chick, but I digress). Stupidly for the first day, I argued back. I told my big sis about it, and big sis went to town on it. For yall that don't know, my big sister is the original "pit bull in a skirt." Yeah, we'd had our issues in the past, but my Cousin's passing brought me and my sisters back together. But anyway, my sis lit her up. Sis reminded her of what a dumbass loser she is and my sis also reminded the baby mama that she's been babysitting this dude for the last 13 years and that nobody wanted him but her. We also had to remind her that if dude hasn't married her after 13 years and a kid, he sure as hell isn't going to. My sister said a bunch of other mean things to her, but the crazy bitch isn't even worth me repeating it. Since saying what needed to be said, my sis has pretty much blocked her and ignored her. My sister and I are truly bonding over the experience of putting this silly slut in per place.

Moving on, this whole thing has made me truly see what a peaceful place I'm in spiritually and mentally. Its such an awesome feeling to know that I'm not waiting for someone to drop down on one knee. Somedays, I truly don't even think that I want to be married. In my heart I now realize that if it isn't good love, it isn't worth it. If you have to call and argue with other women, if you have to scrutinize someone's every move, if you spend over a decade together and you still aren't getting along, its not love, it's a fucked up relationship. It's co-dependency. It's sad. It's pathetic.

Today, while riding in the car, one of my favorite songs came on, the song "Wait for Love" by Luther Vandross. Its amazing how I'd ignored this song as it played on the slow oldies stations for many years, but one day, its chorus caught me and I realized how truthful Luther was being.

"I never stopped believing

there could one day be a chance

for me to

Get the love that I've been missing

Sometimes love takes a long time

But, wait for love and you're gonna get the

Chance to love - wait for love, wait for love"

In his infinite wisdom, Luther was dead on. Its time to stop rushing it and let it find you. Learn to be happy alone and stop letting a man define you. Today while I was in the car jamming to Luther and expounding on my own greatness, I saw a motorcycle ahead of me. A motorcycle wreck is how Jarronn died. That motorcycle reminded me of the love that Jarronn had for Jessica. My eyes watered when looking at it. I really miss my cousin. But I think that seeing that motorcycle while listening to that particular song, was Jarronn's way of reminding me that love doesn't hurt and there's no need to hurry along what is supposed to be a beautiful process. By the way, Jessica has been writing a blog to chronicle her time since Jarronn's loss. I recommend it, highly. You can find it at www.jessicaliving.blogspot.com she's been posting daily so far. Its really inspirational.

I love knowing that I'm happy in my own skin and that I'm glad to be ready to get and land on my feet so I can live alone again and get to spend time alone with Malika to rediscover her since she's grown up so much recently. I love the progress I've made as a friend, a mother, a lover, a writer, and a fighter. Yay me.

"Put a Ring On It"- SHUT THE F*CK UP!!!

Recently while making my local blog rounds, I came across a post on Bossip about first date nonos. Many women were saying how they hate it when men don't pay on the first date. I commented on how on me and Pookie's first date, we stopped at a gelato spot and I had to pay for our gelatos because the place we were at didn't accept cards, which was all he had. He kept saying that we could run by an atm so he could pay me back and I told him not to worry about it. He's now the father of my child, he pays all of the bills, and his financial support helped me to graduate college. Two days from now will actually be the three year anniversary of our first date.

And what did I get for my words of wisdom about not judging a man harshly based on his perceived finances? I got chickenheads asking me if we're married. Actually to quote them, they wanted to know if he'd "put a ring on it," suggesting that things couldn't be that good if we're not married. Despite my many issues with Pookie, I truly love him with all of my heart. Do I want to marry him? No. Do I want to marry anyone? NO.

I respect Beyonce for her little tune about "putting a ring on it" however I'm so sick of people suddenly acting like a relationship isn't valid if two people haven't made it official for the government. The parents of one of my dearest friends have been together nearly 30 years, they own a home together and they are two of the kookiest and most fun and functional in a relationship people that I think I've ever seen. I've got another friend whose mother was married before, but after her divorce, she's got a good boyfriend who's strong, loyal, great to her kids, wonderful around the house. They live together. And they have no intention of getting married. My own mother was married twice, once to my father. My father and her next husband were total assholes. Her new man treats her the way a man should treat a woman. He literally caters to her. He even sends my son clothes sometimes. And he and my mom have no intention of getting hitched.

A few years ago when I was 19, I met a local radio personality who was trying to sleep with me. Did I mention that he was about 35 years old with a wife and child at home? I finally told him that I couldn't sleep with him and he gave me some lame line about him not being attracted to me because of my weight. Of course he never mentioned a problem with my weight until I told him that I wasn't going to fuck him. The loser just had to protect his ego. Funny enough, I've seen his wife out and about and you couldn't tell her that her shit didn't stink. The reason I didn't sleep with him was because he had a woman at home and all I could think was what a blow it would be to her ego for her for her man to be screwing some teenager. So I walked away. But he was a LOUSE.

I've got another homegirl who found out that her husband had cheated on her after her gynecologist told her that she had chlymdia. My father has cheated on his current wife over and over again, but frankly she's too naive and scared to believe it. Its crazy that I'm only his daughter and I know when he's out "working" until 1 in the morning, that he's getting his d*ck wet, yet his wife doesn't realize that. I heard about another homegirl that got wifed up, and she's having drama with her husband's baby mama because he's still screwing her. But she's the one he put a ring on.

Now I'm not saying all of this to say that I'm anti-marriage. I think that marriage is a beautiful and wonderful institution, when its entered into by two dedicated people that are willing and most importantly, ready, to make that leap. However, just because two people are married doesn't not make them happy. God only knows how much I love the father of my son, and I truly don't think that any woman could ever love him as much as I do. I've seen that man on his best days, and I've seen him on his worst days. I know what a bastard he really is at heart, and I love his inner bastard as much as I love the man that comes home and cooks dinner so we can have family movie night. I believe our bond is strong. It's obviously got it's imperfections. Are we any less serious because we're not married? Not at all. Our lack of marriage simply says that we realize that we probably aren't made to be together forever. But while we're together right now, we're a family unit that's continuing to work on our problems. The man was married before and we all know how that turned out.

All I'm saying is that a relationship should be judged, based on the commitment that two people have to one another, not just on a ceremony that people put on.

On a side note, I recently lost my cousin, Jarronn Jackson. Jarronn was only 29 years old. Jarronn got married back in mid May. He married a beautiful woman. Our last phone conversation, I mentioned to him how difficult relationships are. And Jarron told me how his relationship to his wife was simply effortless, which is how he knew she was the one. Less than three months after his wedding, he's gone. But I'll always remember the way he talked so lovingly about his wife and how happy they were. Jarronn showed me what marriage is supposed to look and feel like. Frankly, I don't have that with Pookie. But I love him just the same. But I don't see myself marrying a man if I don't see him being as excited about a relationship as Jarronn was. So I'd prefer to say that its not going to happen and later be surprised, rather than to hold out for something as effortless as Jarron and Jessica, and have it not happen. Jarronn loved Jessica with all of his heart before they got married. And I know he loves her with all of his heart from heaven.

I'll miss you Jarronn. Please hug my loved ones for me. And even though you're gone, I plan to hold to my promise to name my next child after you!!!

Please pray for me and my family.

DON'T TELL ME HOW I FEEL DAMMIT!!

the other night i decided to stop in and visit an old friend that i'd lost contact with. he worked at pleaser's strip club as a bouncer. things were well and good as we laughed about old times and caught up with one another. we talked about how i, of all people, became a mother and our wild times hanging out all night. he even laughed at me for saying that i was sleepy when it hit 3 a.m., comparing it to how i once drove him to tennesee on a wim and we didn't make it back until 6 a.m. well anyway, we decided to go to waffle house after he got off to discuss our lives even further. and then it started.
we discussed my time with david. i told him that i enjoy pissing off david's baby mama, because she no longer has the power to affect me, but i have so much power to piss her off. after all of the shit she did to me when i tried to be cool with her back in the day, i see no problem with me screwing with her head. my friend goes into this long tirade of how i'm not happy and she controls me, etc. my friend said that i've no longer got the same smile i used to. he claimed that i'm not loving. he said that the smile that was permanently spread across my face a few years ago is gone. i told him that now people have to work for my smile.
i tried to explain to him that no, i'm not the same weak, silly malika that was easily manipulated. before i had my son i gave so much of myself to so many people. i've let people crash on my couch, i've fed people, i've given people money. and in return when i was pregnant, broke and desperate, those same people gave their asses to kiss. so i built a wall. those of yall within my wall get to experience the silly and loving me that has always been there. everyone else can burn in hell. and i'm HAPPY with this progress. for the first time in my life i feel like i'm in control of my surroundings. for the first time in my life i've developed standards. i expect the people around me to be as loyal to me as i am to them. and i don't see a damned thing wrong with that.
so imagine how pissed i was when i explained myself and my "friend" kept twisting my words. i said to him that i'm happy, and he said to me, no you're not. and then i said "why can't you just be happy for me because i'm happy?" he replied with "i believe that you believe you're happy" which was another fucking slap in the face. he even went so far as to say that i'm not loving anymore, to which i took even more offense. i responded that i'm EXTREMELY loving that for the people i love, i'll take a bullet. he told me to make a loving statement. i said "deen is the best thing to ever happen to me" and he responded that wasn't a loving statement and that i should have said that my son is the best thing to ever happen to me. i responded that i tell my son all of the time that he's the most important thing in my world. under pressure i'd said deen since we had been talkin to him all night. the truth of the matter is that deen AND caleb are the center of my universe. my family is my reason for living. not loving, my ass.
i'm 29 years old, for the love of god. no body knows me better than me. there are plenty of people that don't know who and what they want and who and what they are. i'm not one of them. i was so emotionally drained when i left him last night. i was fuming the whole way home. i can't believe that i felt it necessary to defend my feelings. i got my friend's new number but i'm so pissed off after last night, i really don't know if i'm going to call him again. just because i'm not the same happy-go-lucky chick that he met some years ago, doesn't make me a robot. i've evolved. i got my ass kicked my life and i learned how to fight back. i'm happy being me. and anybody that doesn't like or believe my happiness can KICK ROCKS.

What Michael Jackson's Death Meant to the Black Community

June 25th is a day that will live in infamy for many of us. I was watching television when someone came on and said that Michael Jackson had been rushed to the hospital. I rolled my eyes and told myself that this was one of his stunts and then I got on the internet to look it up. We all know that MJ was a bit of a drama king, so most people were in watch & see mode. I kept switching back and forth to Twitter, Facebook, & TMZ. I knew it was bad when CNN was outside of the hospital to. And then I saw it on TMZ-

R.I.P. MICHAEL JACKSON.

My head hurt. My body ached. I cried hard. I sobbed like I'd gotten the call that one of my best friends had died. I wanted to throw up. My family actually called to offer me condolences. It was surreal. Someone that was a part of my life since I can remember was gone. No more. My stomach hurts just writing this.

Since the death of Michael Jackson, needless to say, there's been constant media attention. But beneath the media attention people are still hurting and crying. Many of us still have a hard time making it through a full Michael Jackson song without breaking down. What's pissing me off the most is how so many Whites are saying that MJ was just a man and that he's dead so move on already. I'm not saying that Michael didn't deeply impact so many people of so many different races. We've all seen the concert footage of people of all races passing out on top of one another. What I'm saying is that the people that were obviously not MJ fans, are ready to crap on this man's legacy and they feel that he's not worth the accolades and praise that we're giving him. If I hear or see one more person write "You're not related to him" I'm going to punch someone. The fact of the matter is that MJ has been in many of our hearts for decades. He was around at every barbeque and family reunion and countless parties and night clubs. He many not have been there physically, but his spirit lifted us up in our darkest hours. I don't know anyone that can listen to "Wanna Be Startin' Something" without shouting and clapping "Mama-Say-Mama-Sa-Mama-Cu-Sa!!!" by the end of the song. No matter who you are and what you're doing, by the end of that song you're dancing, singing, and shouting like you're at the deepest backwoods Southern church. And admit it, you LOVE it.

I understand that some people may not have embraced MJ the way that Black America did. We not only embraced him, we loved him. He was in the hearts and minds of many Black Americans. For a long time men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him. We knew that he had faults, because no one is perfect. He was quirky and sometimes downright weird. But he was our brother and we will always honor and respect him.

So I say to White America, there will be plenty of time for the news to focus on Iraq and cheating governors that leave the country to screw around. BFD if we want to take a few days or even weeks to grieve the loss of the greatest entertainer to ever live (take that Elvis!). If the world can stop spinning when Kurt Cobain dies, other folks need to leave us to grieve as a community. Michael Joseph Jackson inspired us to Heal the World. He was front and center for to remind us that We Are the World. He brought together many weddings and bar mitzphas with renditions of the Thriller dance. The man was Bad. You don't have to love or even like Michael Jackson, but for those of us that were impacted by his music and will continue to love and miss him, give us the respect of letting us grieve. Cuz God only knows how many of y'all are gonna cut the fool when Madonna drops dead.