Today

I try not to write things when I'm in a crappy mood, but my happiness bubble has burst, at least for now. A family member I used to be super tight with has inserted himself into a situation that he is ignorant on, then had the nerve to act as though my opinion of my experience is invalid. It hurt like hell and truth be told, I'm not sure if our relationship will ever be the same way again.

On top of that, I need to find a place to intern for my school and I mean like NOW. Plus I'm unemployed. More than anything I need a paid internship. Don't get me wrong, there are jobs in the pipeline, I just need them to happen soon, and they will. My best friend made a very good point when she said that I have a way of making miracles happen. She's right, cuz I swear, I'm not supposed to be standing, let alone smiling while I do it. But right now, I'm feeling pressured to make things happen. But on a good note, my son is healthy, my friends are all doing well, Ted is still a presence, and this flipping heat should be lifting soon. Two more years of graduate school.

So I just decided that today is going to be my last day feeling sorry for myself. This pity party mess ain't my bag. I'm a doer, not a whiner. On a good note, when I feel like crap, the people around me notice, and they check in on me. And that's a blessing in and of itself. So anyway, I'm off to find an internship site (that'll hopefully pay me) and/or a job.

Malika

On Enjoying Bachelorettehood

I've had a total of two conversations today about how I should change my life, settle down, I'll never find a good man as long as I continue to blah blah blah. The funny thing is that the only people that feel it necessary to wag their finger at me and my "whorish" lifestyle is men. Grown women get it and they either applaud or remain apathetic about my desire to be free. But men... men seem to have a hard time grasping an attractive woman who chooses to play the field rather than settle down.

Perhaps it is because I defy the stereotype of women that are considered sexually liberated. Those women are thought to be either ugly, stupid, incapable of a good conversation, bogged down with several children or emotionally or mentally inept. And not to toot my own horn, but I'm neither of those things. I'm funny and outgoing with a great personality, considered attractive (as observed by the fact I'm frequently hit on), I'm educated, and fairly independent overall. So the question remains, why would a woman who would make a great wife choose to be single when so many men want her? Wouldn't marriage be the ultimate prize?

For me, no it is not. I went from feeling that I absolutely never wanted to be married to instead feeling that I'll only get married if the situation is absolutely perfect for me. And nothing less. I really don't even want a serious relationship simply because serious relationships indicate that two people are together with the eventual intention of marriage- and marriage is not a goal of mine. So here I sit. I think I'm okay with the whole idea of being single in part because it is so easy for me to meet new men to chill with temporarily. To be quite honest, things are going well with Ted. He lives alone, he lives his life and I live mine. I think about him frequently and we text often. And I'm crazy about him. And as it stands, I have no desire to fall any deeper into a relationship with him. I could keep things going with him like this for years and if all goes well, I probably will.

It's so frustrating to me that men feel it necessary to tell me how one of them would improve my life somehow. Do they tell their guy friends how much they need a wife? I highly doubt it. So why am I supposedly suffering over here? What they don't understand is that the same benefits that men enjoy from being bachelors, I enjoy as well. If I find someone that I have amazing chemistry with, I can feel free to go home with that person and fuck their brains out. I don't have to worry about lying or cheating because no one claims me, nor I, them. I can do the things that I enjoy, such as bars and clubs, and again, I don't owe anyone an explanation. I can feel free to casually date or focus on any one person as much as I want. A romantic weekend can happen with any one or several men at any given moment. My bills are in my own name and I spend my money on what I want to spend it on.

To be fair, I let men know up front that I have no intention of getting with them seriously. Not that I automatically drop panty for every man I meet, but even in passing, I let it be known that I have no desire to get married, nor any for additional children. And like all things, nothing is certain (except for my lack of desire to procreate again). Some of them appreciate my honesty and tell me that they too don't want to date too heavily either, while others thank me for my time and leave because they clearly want a wife and/or a woman that is willing to have another child. I have no problem with the men that tell me that my lack of desire for commitment is a deterrent because I'd rather not spend time with a man who will question my whereabouts (none of your business) or eventually ask when I plan to settle down and have his baby (never). 

Perhaps its fear or even past "damage" as one male friend put it, but whatever it is, I love it. I'm in love with my life and myself in a way that I've never been before. There is no man weighing me down nor making me question myself and my abilities. I've wasted many years of my life with the wrong men and I've seen what holding on to the wrong man can get you. Not a goddamn thing. No growth. No happiness. No support. No goals. No smiles. Nothing. So here I sit. Alone, making myself happy in a way that no man ever has. Who knows, maybe I'll get married one day. But to be honest, only if I find a man that makes my life even more awesome than it already is. And I'll be honest here, my life is pretty kick ass as it is.

Malika

Pushing Forward

So I touched a bit last time around on a few updates in my life. Like always, summer is the time I plan for major adventures in my life. Since I've been blessed with less work on my plate, I'm able to take care of me in a way I haven't been able to in years. I'm looking forward to getting more work done, and getting to do what makes me happy again. I've got 4 projects to work on, including 2 articles, one about my good friend Hashim who was the victim of an attempted car jacking, and another about Frank Barham, a wonderful spirit who lost his life while trying to raise awareness and money for people with disabilities.

While I'm just as raunchy as it pertains to my sex life, I've decided it best to dial it back on some of the details of who and what I'm doing. I'm still casually dating Ted (5 months strong, which for me, means its going strong) but I continue to date other people as well. I'm glad that Ted and I have such an arrangement and I'm very close to him. But me being me, I still desire to spend time with other men. My latest is a well-known local musician. Because Atlanta is so freaking small, I can't say much, but he's definitely in my sights. A friend of mine commented that in terms of men I've certainly upgraded as the years went on and I certainly agree.

Crazy, as I was out walking the dog, I had a ton of things to blog about today. But suddenly my mind is blank. So yeah, shit rocks.

Malika

Life As I Know It

So yeah, its been a minute. I'm not even going to harp on the fact that its been nearly a year since I last wrote. Plenty of things looking up for me and it amazes me how I'm more at peace the more every day comes and goes. Still in grad school, but I decided to transfer to Georgia State from Clark Atlanta University. My 3 semester stint at an HBCU has been a trip and I've managed to leave with a 3.83 gpa, but still, time to move on.

Last year I helped a man that ran for Fulton County Commissioner as the Republican candidate (no judgement zone!), Earl Cooper. I learned a lot working with Earl and decided that as a career I'd like to work a lot more in lobbying and legislation. Part of that decision also came from my policy class at CAU. Taking the class and immediately after working on the campaign showed me so much about the political process. The fact that I was good friends with Earl's campaign manager, Ian, helped a lot also. It saddens me to know that Earl lost, but I learned so much from my time with him and made a few connections. I was even at the Governor's victory party. I'm pretty comfortable wherever I go, but being in a room full of conservative blue bloods is not for the weak at heart.

I was absolutely devastated after his loss, but in a way, it was a good thing to happen for me. It showed me how much hustle, support, media and money is really needed to run a grassroots campaign.

On a dating front, the man I currently fancy is an admin at one of the schools at the Atlanta University Center. I'm not going to say his name, but I'll call him Ted. One of the things I love about Ted is our desire not to get married. We simply chill and enjoy one another's company. Neither of us want children either. Truthfully, I'm dating around, but Ted and I have that agreement so it makes my life easy. He and I stated that we have no desire to "cheat" on one another or lie about whatever we do when the other isn't watching, so again, my life is easy on that end.

Some recent changes have made it a lot easier for me to get back into writing, which I sorely missed. I want to get back to being more of a creative force overall. Peace is EPIC and it is mine.

Ciao.

Pulling It All Together

So I've had to lay low on the things I've been working on, but things are going so well. A chance encounter with a man who is politically tuned in in February has led to an incredible opportunity for me. I've been meeting new people and getting to take advantage of my degree in media in ways that I did not know I'd be able to do. If things go well (and based on the research, it should) there will first be a BANGING ass party, followed by a chance for me to have even more major opportunities.

Its unfortunate that I can't talk about things I'm up to, but there are a few people around me that I know would love to mess it up, so I'm staying mum until things are in place. But for those of you who are concerned, just know that your ignorance and pettiness only inspired me to up my game and take my ish to the next level. So THANK YOU!

On Not Wanting to Be "Her"

There weren't just one or two things that made me decide to leave my ex alone for good, it was several things. As time went on, and I'd moved out and we continued to deal with one another sexually, I knew that he would never change. I saw hints of his ex around and I was well aware that she blamed me for their breakup. While truthfully, my existence did play a part, the fact was that no matter what people choose to believe, I have little to no bearing on how a grown man chooses to operate. I saw her desperate bid to cling to him, just like my ex's David's skeezoid, Chloe's desperate bid to cling to a man and it hit me that I never wanted to become "her." We all know the story of some desperate old ass woman who has been with a man far too long, taking shit, fighting with his women, and all kinds of nonsense, just to hold on to a man who isn't worth a salt anyway.

A few days ago I got a call from a coworker who was in my neighborhood and needed a ride because her car broke down. With my luck, it was raining heavily and my driver side had gone off the track, leaving me in a horrible position. I'd heard my coworker talk about her "husband" (he's really her boyfriend, but as far as I'm concerned, if you haven't legally connected your asses, y'all are just shacking up) in the past. She showed up one day with a bruise on her arm and when questioned about it, she claimed it was a bite mark from freaky sex. Now I'm no forensic scientist, but I know what a bite mark looks like and it damn sure wasn't one.

Anyway, as the rain poured down into my open window, my coworker was in my car, but told me she needed to hop back out to go get her purse. Which would have been a quick dash, but her husband picked that time to call her and yell at her. He blamed her for the car dying (again, while a monsoon pours into my open window) and she sat there and argued with him, rather than getting out to get her damned purse.. Eventually she grabs it and we go park safely under a gas station awning while she continues to argue with him. I pointed out to her that at no time did he ever ask if she was okay. Most husbands or boyfriends would have stayed glued to the phone to make sure their woman was safe. Not this guy. She told me she wanted out and how unhappy she was. She'd ever told me previously that his whole family spoils him and she gets along with none of them. Eventually the tow truck driver arrived and she wondered if she had enough in her account to pay for the tow. I believe her husband made a quip about her fucking him for free service, when I heard her say to him "I'm not the kind of woman to do something like that."

Today at work, the same coworker told me and another woman that goes as far as cutting up her man's food, fucking him every morning and cooking his breakfast every day. She does all of this for the same man that didn't care enough to ask if she was okay when stranded in a rain storm. Later on today, she went on to say that she's happy with her man and that with enough love and time, he'll eventually come around. One of my (very few) faults is that I have a hard time hiding my feelings on my face. I try and I always fail. So as she goes on and on about how happy she is with him (I guess I made up the fucking rain storm and her husband having the nerve to curse her out before even making sure she was safe) and how good he is to her. I gave her a serious side eye and went back to the paperwork on my desk (one of the few times today I actually tended to it).

It was then that I realized that my coworker is another her. She is yet another woman clinging to an emotionally abusive relationship, hoping things will get better. I can't make her see the error in her ways, nor will I try. She's a grown ass woman and truthfully, I have my own problems. But while my heart breaks for this woman, I can look at her and know that she is one of the women I knew I never wanted to become. My booski, Love, definitely showed me what love and dedication is. And she damned sure doesn't have either.

Growth and Empathy

I just realized that it's been 5 months since I last wrote. School is still good. Got a B, knocking me down to a 3.75 gpa, but it still beats any other grades I've ever made. Love is still around. He loves my son and my son loves him so all is well.

Anyway, I encountered a situation this morning that after some reflection, let me know that I had to reach for my blog. This morning, when I awoke and reached for my phone, I saw a Facebook message from my homeboy's girlfriend, asking why I hadn't answered her previous question. I scrolled through and saw that she'd sent me an earlier private message that asked why I'd been hanging out with her boyfriend while she was working. My immediate thought was 'what the hell?'

My homie had told me a while ago that she'd taken issue to knowing that he and I had gone to grab a bite to eat a diner late one night and I was surprised he was still so steadfast on making things work with her despite the jealousy issue. My friend (who I could not identify if I wanted to) is a well-known person in Atlanta and works with people from all over. I knew that with his profession that he couldn't afford to have a jealous woman, but he shrugged to let me know he'd work through it so I let it go. And here we are.

I assured her that he and I are simply friends and that he's not fucking around on her and if he was, I'd know it. I also told her my own history of playing side chick and how much I'd learned from it, and I also assured her that to me there is nothing worse than a woman who plays cool in a woman's face while fucking her man. Even in my most questionable moments, that's a game I've never played. Only skanks roll like that. She even went on to ask me why I'd never made an attempt to get to know her or have contact with her like I do my homie. That's when I reminded her that I'd previously asked her when she planned on having a housewarming party for her new crib and also reminded her that I always made it a point to greet her when I saw her. She asked me to come to her crib. I fear no one, but I wasn't trying to walk into some bullshit between her and my boy so I called him first. He explained that he was out of town and yeah, shit was getting heavy with the two of them.

I hit her back and said I'd be willing to go and talk calmly with her, as I have nothing to hide, but I'd have my son with me. She said she wasn't in a good place to be around kids so she declined my company after all.

Quite truthfully, Malika from 10 years ago would have laid into her ass for coming at me like that. But I really did feel for her. I've been there. Loving a man but being so far gone, not knowing what's real and what isn't. But more than anything, this showed me how much I'd grown. I found myself genuinely feeling bad for her and trying hard to assure her that my friend is a good guy and that a night on the town, a weekend get away or some counseling would do them some good.

My heart goes out to them and I hope things get better, but I'm glad to be in a place in my life where peace and sanity comes before my desire to have a dude by my side. When I do get married, I know I'll be in a great space to receive it. In the meantime, I'll just work on making myself ready.

New Year, New Me, New Name

Much is the same in these parts (beautiful) so there are no complaints here. I even got back my grades from school and for the FIRST time in my life, I managed a 4.0. I couldn't be happier. Love was with me when I found out about my grades and he kissed me a congratulations as I cried tears of joy. It was only the perfect way to cap off a year that started off horrible at best.

I started out New Years Day 2013 wondering what the fuck was going on. I got some bad news that really hammered home to me that I was fucking up in a major way. Shit had gone from bad to worse. As much as I hated to, I needed to sit my ass down and reconsider a lot of things in my life. Although for a brief time I did fall back into some bad habits, a little over halfway through, it finally began to sink in that change was necessary.

Don't get it twisted here, I'm still the same snarky, insane individual we've all come to know and love. Just a bit more seasoned and wiser to take on the role with a much more keen eye. Having a loving and supportive beau certainly doesn't hurt the whole thing either. I wouldn't call myself new, per se, but definitely improved. I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin. While there were decisions I may have questioned before, I now stand firmer in whatever I'd done or said. I lost someone who hadn't been much of a friend for the last year anyway, but still yeah, it kind of stings. In the meantime, the creativity of Love has me being a lot more expressive and I even managed to make his Christmas gift this year, something I'd never thought to do before. I've started making a bit of jewelry and my plan is to eventually start taking some drawing classes and then start painting on canvas, just as Love has done for years and I've always considered.

The more time I spend with him, the more confident I become that I want to be his wife. He brings out so much beauty and happiness and I love that even my friends see a great change in me and encourage me to go further into my relationship with him. We're obviously talking of taking the big leap before its all over with, and I look forward to the transition of being his new wife. But there remains a light apprehension in it all. It sounds so silly, but the idea of becoming his wife means I'll lose my name. I LIKE my name. Its fun, funky, pretty and refreshing, just like me! The only problem with it is that it keeps me associated with a past and some family that I'm not too keen on. I like the idea of changing my name to no longer be associated with them. But still, its my name. Its ME. Its who I am, and its who I've been for 33 years. We were out recently and I stared longingly at the flowers on the items in front of me. They were so pretty and delicate, yet strong and firm and colorful, just like me. It only brought it home for me what eventually changing my name means.

Still though, for all of the happiness and love that Love brings to my life, I'll take the transition just as I always do- I'll go dragging, kicking and screaming and pleading not to go. Just playing (kind of). I'm happy with where I am, and where I'm going and who I'm going with. I also trust that if the transition keeps things this happy, there is no where else to go but up, and I know he'll be up with me.

The Quest for God

Its not a secret that I'm not a Christian. I don't even know if I even believe in God. I'ts worked for me in a way. Sometimes I wonder if God is real, other times I find my back against the wall and I can almost feel the hands of Someone Else doing things that I certainly could not do. Those are the days that I know that there is a higher power up there that loves me and wants to make sure that I'm well. But then there are days that I look around and I see downtrodden people that suffer and I think that there is no way that a God that supposedly loves and takes care of us all could exist, because why would God take care of me and not others? I'm not some kind of deity or special person worthy of such favors, yet I am consistently covered when I need it.

In the meantime, I'd learned to lean on Buddhism as my solace. I like the concept of Buddhism because its not about others, its about ME. It teaches me how to deal with others and how to work on myself so that I can be a better person and deal with the world. The problem with Christianity for me is that so much of it is based on blind faith. I've tried my hardest, but I can't make sense of it. In the absence of a concrete God, Buddhism taught me how to alter my perspective and be all right with the world. Buddhism was there for me when I had no where else to go. Buddhism showed me that half empty or half full, the glass doesn't matter because its just matter. The glass is just a shiny object that will eventually decay anyway (Impermanence) so why focus on it anyway? It just is.

Once during a meditation session, I came to an epiphany that there is no good or bad, there just is. Meaning that we assign labels of Good or Bad to things and from there deal accordingly. For instance, if someone loses their job and then has a fit, having a fit won't bring the job back. However, if you accept it for what it is and move forward to find a new job, or just take it as a sign to find a new direction in life, the better off you'll be. Some may not be able to relate to that, but for me to be as anxious and nervous as I am, I need it. I'm the kind of person that constantly seeks answers. I need to know why? Why do children die? Why do people suffer from broken hearts? Why do some people have and not others? Why did Jarronn and Tracey die on me? I need answers. And the Bible never provided them. I don't want to hear shit about them being needed in heaven. Jesus may work for some. But it left me feeling abandoned and frustrated and confused. So I turned to Buddhism and Myself.

I'd made peace with the absence of God in my life, until I met Love. He's a minister, who carries himself as one. He's so smart and despite me being filled with millions of questions about God and religion, he can honestly pull out a Bible verse to answer my question. There will be times that I'm at his home and I'll see a random Bible scripture laying around and I'll find that it totally relates to me. Normally when that happens, I'll ask him about it and we can have a conversation about how it relates to our lives. I dunno, maybe Love is right about there being a God. But then I come to this whole Jesus thing and that's where my doubt really lies. As much as I adore Love, and want to be with him in every way, the Jesus/Bible thing throws me. While some think that every word of the Bible is true, I think that some of it is metaphorical. I doubt the whole "burning bush" "Noah's arc" "water into wine" stuff. I just can't see it.

Sure, I can see the potential of a higher power, but I can't necessarily see the rest of the story the way others do. Maybe something is wrong with me. If it brings me closer to Love, I want to believe it. But I don't want to submit to something I don't agree to, just to be accepted. Nor would Love want me to lie to him or myself about it. So I'm stuck. I still don't know if I believe in God. And that's okay. Hopefully, I have plenty of time to figure it out.

Side Chick to Main Chick

Its come up in convo for me quite a few times how I'm happily coupled up with an incredible man and the personal and spiritual transitions I had to make to make me ready to receive him and love him the way I need to. Love and I had a conversation recently where he said that Steve Harvey once told a story about how when a man loves a woman and fully commits to her, he gives her a title. Not just a "baby mama" or just introducing you by your name, he'll say "this is my girlfriend/wife/fiance, (insert name here)."

I'm so thankful to have finally made it to that point. My friend and I conversed today and she said that she has finally let go of all of the casual male acquaintances in her life and she's doing much better without them. We both said how as a woman, (if you're lucky) you get to a point where you learn to screen men out in less than 30 seconds. It could be something as simple as his body language, his posture, his verbal language, or the activity he invites you to, you can tell quite quickly if he is worth your time.

I'm not sure if I said this before, but the ONLY thing that got me to let my guard down when I met Love is how he approached me. As I'd written before, we were at a copy shop and casually talking. I bid him farewell and walked toward my car and he ran outside and stopped me to ask me to lunch. That was the selling point. He didn't ask to come to my home or get me to his home. He didn't ask me to smoke weed or drink with him. He didn't even mention dinner. He suggested something as casual and friendly as lunch. And we've been glued at the hip ever since.

I've got to say, there is something astonishing about being not just the "main chick" but the only woman in a man's life. Love has shown me so much loyalty and devotion in a short amount of time and I have absolutely no doubt that things will continue to flourish and grow between the two of us. In the meantime, we will be spending Thanksgiving with my best friend's family and he's already making the rounds and meeting my friends. They all love him and as each day goes on, we get closer and closer to making our love a spiritual and legally permanent one.

I hate to argue that it was low self-esteem that led me to dealing with the partners I had before, but I've always been one to be honest with myself. At the same time, I was just happy to have love and companionship. But as time grew, so did I, and companionship and penis was no longer enough. I think, no, I know, I'm glad I met him when I did, because truthfully, had I met him at any other time or any other circumstance, I wouldn't have been able to look at him and truly appreciate what a blessing he really is. So it appears that the moment I decided to step up my game, and stop settling for crumbs, Prince Charming marched up on his white horse. Or in his silver Scion. Whichever.

Conversations About the Future

I love that Love reads my blog and feels free to share his thoughts with me. That being said, I mentioned to him that my blog is not nearly as insane or drama filled as it once was, simply because my life is no longer in that state. At the time I met Love, I was completely over drama-filled men and their other women, lies, etc. By then I'd enrolled in Clark Atlanta University as a graduate student and I've been managing to keep A's in both of the classes I'm taking. I'd sworn to myself that dating was pretty much off limits and despite getting approached by men left and right, my focus was to remain on school, myself, and my son.

I actually met Love while I was in a copy shop, printing out a my paper (which I later got an A on). He read the title over my shoulder and I made a joke about the item he was getting printed up. So Love became love, and romance rides again. Being that I'd already been in the zone to get my life and finances in order, it was a lot easier for me to look at Love and for him to look at me and see that there could definitely be a future for the two of us.

One thing that continues to impress me about him is his willingness to openly communicate with me. We frequently have conversations about things such as finances (things to pay off now and then focus on after the wedding). We talk about children, we've talked about buying a house. Those are the things that let me know he's serious about me and about us. We discuss religion, church, and prayer frequently. Frankly, nothing is off limits for us, which makes me even more comfortable.

The other day we again discussed finances. He asked about my student loans (ouch) and we talked about our goals and necessity of saving money and getting a joint account we could both deposit into. I was floored. I tried so hard in the past to get that kind of progress with my exes, yet here is a man, who on his own, is ready to meet me halfway. So somehow, I managed to go from single sista, ready to take on the world, to happily booed-up woman, ready to tackle the future with a man I'm head over heels for. How lucky am I?

Couple Friends

I was at my best friend's surprise party last night and I met a mutual friend's girlfriend, and I immediately took to her. We both said that in dealing with our men, we were pretty sure that our boos were more than likely our future husbands. We talked about how we'd both had long and bad relationships in the past, so we knew we were on a better tracks.

She told me that she'd been dating him as long as I'd been dating Love and I suggested that she and I double with our new loves. Then I looked up and suggested that the four of us go out with my bestie and his girlfriend, making us a triple date. Around the same time I told her that I had been pricing photogs and flowers for our wedding and was amazed at the prices. She told me that she'd been married before and that her Vegas wedding costs her $5k. Another married friend chimed in that he'd spend over $8k for his wedding last year and he only got that steal because he'd called in favors all over the city. It felt awesome to talk to other people seriously about such issues, since I was never this close to a walk down the isle before.

 It was then that I realized why they often say it is best for couples to hang with other couples. While with Deen there was only one couple we hung with and truthfully, they were just as screwed up as he and I were. Now that I'm in a really happy and loving relationship, I love the idea of getting together with other couples and hanging out. The best thing about the males last night is that I know all three of them (Love, the new woman's boyfriend, and my male bestie) are genuinely GOOD dudes. They are men that seek long-lasting, family-oriented relationships with the women they love and with God. I now understand that when all of your social encounters are with single people, it is easy to get sidetracked and forget to carry yourself as half of a couple. When your focus is husband/wife/child/family, you know not to have your ass in the club frequently as if you were single.

The married friend also told us that he intends to have his birthday this spring in Amsterdam and said we should all join him. I told him that as a woman who is happily committed to a minister, getting blitzed in Amsterdam is not an option. My friend said that if I marry someone, he has to accept who and what I am. I told him that while I agree to an extent, for my particular relationship, somethings I had to fall back on. He's married and his wife will be in Amsterdam with him. I'm heading toward marriage, and I'll be home with my boo. Or wherever he is. Love and I will simply have to find new couples to hang with in the meantime.

To Be Loved: The Epiphany

So yesterday I promised no more blogs about Love, so I decided to make this moreso about what I realized about the emotion of love and how it relates to relationships. Yesterday, I spilled my guts about my apprehension of relaxing and allowing myself to enjoy Love, for my fear of abandonment. I talked to a bestie about my fears and she reminded me that love isn't supposed to hurt and that its just that I've been hurt so much that I'd come to associate love with pain.

Coincidentally enough, I saw Love yesterday, and he was awesome enough to show concern about my son when I wasn't able to get through to his dad's cell AND he gifted me with these.

(Not just one set of flowers but TWO!!) :)

Love has urged me a few times to let him love me, and truthfully, I didn't really know how. Something so simple was really so foreign to me. Love and I are different as night and day, but last night it occurred to me the 2 things he and I have in common. The first thing is that we laugh. We laugh all day about the most random things. Even in the midst of kissing, we're calling one another old and cracking about who's funnier. (I am...) The second is that just like me, he only wants to love and to be loved. That's it. I didn't realize it before, but in many of my relationships, I walked in giving so much, not realizing that I was with men that didn't know how to give or receive love. All I'd wanted was to love a man honestly, and have him love me the same way.

I'm not saying that men didn't love me. I have no doubt that Deen and David both loved me. However, they didn't know how to show it, nor did they know how to take it in and let it grow. So it sat and stewed and created a long, bitter, drawn out mess. I know both of them and I know that were ever they are right now, they're still doing the same insanity.

But back to Love/love. I realized that him wanting to love me so closely matches me wanting to love them. Only this time, I'm blessed to be next to a man that loves love. He loves to love and all he really wants in return is love. Pure, genuine, honest love. All he wants is a woman that can meet him and love him in return. No extra funniness. No lies. No games. I think I'm finally ready, after all of the craziness I've been through, to finally love a man and to let Love love me in return.

Where the Heart Is

Okay, after gushing on old dude for the last two posts, I've decided this one will be the last one focused on him for a while. We hit the month mark today and while I'm still head over heels for him, the honeymoon is wearing off and we're now in the point of getting back to focusing on working on ourselves and making preliminary plans for a potential future together.

But I recently came to realize that I'm bringing a bit of an abandonment issue to the table and I'm frustrated and disappointed with myself for having it, but as always, Love is a champ in dealing with it. Its not that I doubt his love and dedication to me or for me- at the moment. Its just that I keep expecting that one day he'll look up and realize that I'm nuts or get bored and leave. I've seen it so often before that its nearly impossible not to have in my mind. I sometimes question the existence of God, but Love and I have prayed on it and I'm just now realizing how much I'll have to pray on this as well. Every time he sees me or talks to me, he assures me he's here with me and loves me and isn't going anywhere. I believe him- mostly.

One of my favorite books is titled "Where the Heart Is" and it was also made into a movie, staring Ashley Judd. In the movie/book Ashley Judd's character continues to pick shitty men and get pregnant and abandoned by them. In the end she's got like 5 or 6 kids and been to hell and back. She eventually meets a man who sees her and accepts her as she is and takes in her and her kids and they live happily ever after. Yeah, its a condensed version (Judd's character is only secondary in the book anyway), but my point is that I found myself thinking about the book today, and how I thought that stuff like that didn't really exist. I thought that men would continue to blame me and judge me. When I met Love, I was actually going to reject him, not so much because of who he is, but because of where I was and just thinking we wouldn't be a good fit because we were so different. All it took was one date to convince me of how wrong I was. After our 2 hour coffee meeting of laughing, I knew I wanted to see him again. And again.

So here is to hoping to spend more time getting to know and love him. I know he loves me. And I love Love. He is where my heart is.

Officially In Love

So soon, but its true. He makes my heart flutter. And he loves me. Its true, he loves me!! He treats me like a princess and tells me how beautiful I am. We relish all of our time together, no matter how plain. We spend hours laughing and joking. I knew he meant the world to me when we danced around his apartment to "As" by Stevie Wonder the other day. He also owns a Tevin Campbell cd and not the second one (which everyone has), he has the first one. This man is truly a gift from above. I found myself thinking how much I hoped and prayed to hold on to my last two relationships and how this is different. This is different because its easy. And he told me he loves the same thing about being with me. Our time is easy. There are differences but it doesn't matter because we love and respect one another so much that we work through them. He doesn't attempt to buy my love or buy me things to shut me up, we do for each other because we care for one another.

I think back on my exes and I remember how time was with both of them and I know they continue to make their current women miserable. Or with my son's father, doing just enough to keep me around, but not enough to actually work on things. He prayed with me today. He actually held my hands and prayed that we stay together and find strength to work through things. No man (out of MANY) has cared enough to do that before. And I love this man from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. When I walk down the street, men approach me and I happily tell them that I'm involved. Because I see what the dudes in the streets are like and none of them compare to my baby.

We're so affectionate. Often holding hands and making out in public like teenagers. It means so much to me when he looks me in my eyes and pierces my soul and tell me how much I mean to him because its always how I feel about him as well. He even Googled me and found my writings and told me I should get back into it. Now THIS is the man I'm supposed to be with. Today I admitted that there are times that I dream of becoming Mrs (insert his government name, which I'm not telling yall, here).

A relationship like this is truly heaven sent. He knows of my abusive relationships in the past and he doesn't judge me or use my past against me, he supports me as I work through it. He even prayed for my son today. He is a man that I will stick with until I can't anymore. We're already planning for the holidays. I love this man so much. And he loves me.