Its not a secret that I'm not a Christian. I don't even know if I even believe in God. I'ts worked for me in a way. Sometimes I wonder if God is real, other times I find my back against the wall and I can almost feel the hands of Someone Else doing things that I certainly could not do. Those are the days that I know that there is a higher power up there that loves me and wants to make sure that I'm well. But then there are days that I look around and I see downtrodden people that suffer and I think that there is no way that a God that supposedly loves and takes care of us all could exist, because why would God take care of me and not others? I'm not some kind of deity or special person worthy of such favors, yet I am consistently covered when I need it.
In the meantime, I'd learned to lean on Buddhism as my solace. I like the concept of Buddhism because its not about others, its about ME. It teaches me how to deal with others and how to work on myself so that I can be a better person and deal with the world. The problem with Christianity for me is that so much of it is based on blind faith. I've tried my hardest, but I can't make sense of it. In the absence of a concrete God, Buddhism taught me how to alter my perspective and be all right with the world. Buddhism was there for me when I had no where else to go. Buddhism showed me that half empty or half full, the glass doesn't matter because its just matter. The glass is just a shiny object that will eventually decay anyway (Impermanence) so why focus on it anyway? It just is.
Once during a meditation session, I came to an epiphany that there is no good or bad, there just is. Meaning that we assign labels of Good or Bad to things and from there deal accordingly. For instance, if someone loses their job and then has a fit, having a fit won't bring the job back. However, if you accept it for what it is and move forward to find a new job, or just take it as a sign to find a new direction in life, the better off you'll be. Some may not be able to relate to that, but for me to be as anxious and nervous as I am, I need it. I'm the kind of person that constantly seeks answers. I need to know why? Why do children die? Why do people suffer from broken hearts? Why do some people have and not others? Why did Jarronn and Tracey die on me? I need answers. And the Bible never provided them. I don't want to hear shit about them being needed in heaven. Jesus may work for some. But it left me feeling abandoned and frustrated and confused. So I turned to Buddhism and Myself.
I'd made peace with the absence of God in my life, until I met Love. He's a minister, who carries himself as one. He's so smart and despite me being filled with millions of questions about God and religion, he can honestly pull out a Bible verse to answer my question. There will be times that I'm at his home and I'll see a random Bible scripture laying around and I'll find that it totally relates to me. Normally when that happens, I'll ask him about it and we can have a conversation about how it relates to our lives. I dunno, maybe Love is right about there being a God. But then I come to this whole Jesus thing and that's where my doubt really lies. As much as I adore Love, and want to be with him in every way, the Jesus/Bible thing throws me. While some think that every word of the Bible is true, I think that some of it is metaphorical. I doubt the whole "burning bush" "Noah's arc" "water into wine" stuff. I just can't see it.
Sure, I can see the potential of a higher power, but I can't necessarily see the rest of the story the way others do. Maybe something is wrong with me. If it brings me closer to Love, I want to believe it. But I don't want to submit to something I don't agree to, just to be accepted. Nor would Love want me to lie to him or myself about it. So I'm stuck. I still don't know if I believe in God. And that's okay. Hopefully, I have plenty of time to figure it out.
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