Sunday, January 5, 2014

New Year, New Me, New Name

Much is the same in these parts (beautiful) so there are no complaints here. I even got back my grades from school and for the FIRST time in my life, I managed a 4.0. I couldn't be happier. Love was with me when I found out about my grades and he kissed me a congratulations as I cried tears of joy. It was only the perfect way to cap off a year that started off horrible at best.

I started out New Years Day 2013 wondering what the fuck was going on. I got some bad news that really hammered home to me that I was fucking up in a major way. Shit had gone from bad to worse. As much as I hated to, I needed to sit my ass down and reconsider a lot of things in my life. Although for a brief time I did fall back into some bad habits, a little over halfway through, it finally began to sink in that change was necessary.

Don't get it twisted here, I'm still the same snarky, insane individual we've all come to know and love. Just a bit more seasoned and wiser to take on the role with a much more keen eye. Having a loving and supportive beau certainly doesn't hurt the whole thing either. I wouldn't call myself new, per se, but definitely improved. I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin. While there were decisions I may have questioned before, I now stand firmer in whatever I'd done or said. I lost someone who hadn't been much of a friend for the last year anyway, but still yeah, it kind of stings. In the meantime, the creativity of Love has me being a lot more expressive and I even managed to make his Christmas gift this year, something I'd never thought to do before. I've started making a bit of jewelry and my plan is to eventually start taking some drawing classes and then start painting on canvas, just as Love has done for years and I've always considered.

The more time I spend with him, the more confident I become that I want to be his wife. He brings out so much beauty and happiness and I love that even my friends see a great change in me and encourage me to go further into my relationship with him. We're obviously talking of taking the big leap before its all over with, and I look forward to the transition of being his new wife. But there remains a light apprehension in it all. It sounds so silly, but the idea of becoming his wife means I'll lose my name. I LIKE my name. Its fun, funky, pretty and refreshing, just like me! The only problem with it is that it keeps me associated with a past and some family that I'm not too keen on. I like the idea of changing my name to no longer be associated with them. But still, its my name. Its ME. Its who I am, and its who I've been for 33 years. We were out recently and I stared longingly at the flowers on the items in front of me. They were so pretty and delicate, yet strong and firm and colorful, just like me. It only brought it home for me what eventually changing my name means.

Still though, for all of the happiness and love that Love brings to my life, I'll take the transition just as I always do- I'll go dragging, kicking and screaming and pleading not to go. Just playing (kind of). I'm happy with where I am, and where I'm going and who I'm going with. I also trust that if the transition keeps things this happy, there is no where else to go but up, and I know he'll be up with me.

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