from the studio to the train station: the fallen star

as some of you know, i live in atlanta and i grew up in college park. back in the day (thousands of years ago) i developed a crush on one of the members from the nineties r&b kid singing group another bad creation. i'll just call him memberx. i've always been a music nut. i'd buy all the magazines like "fresh," "word up," and "right on" and post the pictures on my bedroom wall. i even remember the supposed "beef" between abc and kris kross.

so imagine my total shock when i started high school at banneker high and discovered that 2 members of the group another bad creation went to my school. the members were memberx and his cousin roro. it took a few months before i even realized that the goofy kid that sat in class drawing dirty pictures was roro. his real name is romel.

i decided that i'd act on my crush to memberx. how many young girls drool over their favorite celeb and then end up going to school with the guy? i knew i had to take a chance. so i slowly did things like give him my candy from halloween. i'd compliment him. i wanted him, but like i posted all over my blog, i was a fat nerd (okay, a chunky nerd) in high school, memberx had no interest in throwing game my way. i guess i don't blame him, in our school he could have dang near any girl he wanted. i gotta admit though, i was kind of crushed when i learned that he started trying to talk to a girl named tisha. tisha wasn't just ghetto, she was HOOD. her hair color changed all of the time, she was loud. sorry but she wasn't that cute. so here i was a woman that knew memberx's birthday from the mags i read on him and he wants the ghetto girl. granted i did reek of "virgin" and he probably figured that he'd go for the girls that seemed most likely to give it up. and tisha was that. it was what it was. i decided to write memberx a letter letting him know that i dug him as a person and not as a "celebrity." that sonuvabitch SHOWED the damned letter to people. bastard. it eventually dawned on me that memberx and i weren't going to be, so i moved on with what dignity i'd had left at that point.

in the middle of my sophomore year i moved to decatur and changed schools. no more memberx, no more roro, no more homegirls. it all changed. i slowly forgot about that awkward time at banneker and i transferred to southwest dekalb high, where i continued to be rejected for girls that were more likely to give it up.

post high school, late one evening i found myself flipping through the tv when i see another bad creation (all grown up) performing at a club on television. they looked and sounded terrible. they had no kind of choreography, they rapped (if that's what you want to call it) all over eachother, the sound and picture was terrible. despite my experience with memberx, i really wanted to see them doing good, so i wished him the best in his attempt to make a comeback.

a few weeks later i was on my way to school and i was at the train station and who do i see? memberx. memberx wasn't just there, he had the spray bottle and rag in his hand. he was working CLEANING THE TRAINSTATION. what the FUCK?! how the hell do you go from being in a michael jackson video, a robert townsend movie, touring the world, covering magazines, and signed to motown, one of the biggest music labels ever, to working at cleaning a damned train station? wow. i saw him and we embraced. i asked how he'd been (as if i couldn't see). he told me well. i asked how ro was and he said that ro was doing good also. i told him that i'd caught his performance the other night. he asked how he'd done. i'm not one to crap on anyone else's art so i told him that he'd done well. his eyes lit up and he said "really?!" now, i'll take this time to tell you that i'm a terrible liar. i guess its another gift/curse because you can always depend on me to give an honest opinion when you ask for one, whether you want honesty or not. if only he hadn't asked. i could have glossed over his performance but now i had to elaborate on a lie. my brain just isn't wired to tell you that your performance was deserving of an award when truthfully i think i could train squirrels to do a better job than they did that night. so when i heard "really?!" i just replied with "well- i've seen y'all do better." that way i preserved his dignity, while not lying. i have seen them do a lot better. that wasn't a good performance. AT ALL. he went from being on top of the world and making girls scream, to being a janitor. i'll interject that i don't see any shame in his job. hell, i've prayed that i didn't come across people that i hate while working at a department store, knowing that they made far more than me. but we gotta eat. no shame in honest work. but damn dude, you were on top of the world. memberx wasn't a bad guy. i never thought so, even though he did show that damned letter to others.

later that night i hung out with my homeboy, dj scorpio. scorp was in a bit of a reflective mood and he said to me "malika, do you realize that i'm in a business where so many people are grinding to make money in music, while here i am doing it and making a decent living. do you know how lucky i am?" yeah, i knew how lucky he was. i'm sure memberx could have told him how lucky he was too.

and so its time to grind

well folks the celebrations have died down. people are going back to work, the christmas decorations are getting put away. and now its time to do what the hell we said we were gonna do. its time to freaking HUSTLE. about a year ago i decided that i'd make my small fortune and retire to an island off the strength of making and selling some lip glosses and lotions that i make at the crib. i bought the ingredients, started working on products, checked on prices, was putting together the business plan in my head and i got side tracked. i started back in school, moved in with deen, was dealing with other stuff and so that lip gloss idea got tossed into the back of my head like a lot of other good ideas that i was too damned lazy to pursue. like i've heard time and time again, the good thing about the economy being crappy is that a lot of folks take this time to start their own businesses. and therefore, go i. i just looked at black snob's blog (blacksnob.blogspot.com) and she's doing with this whole thing what many of us should be doing. she's GRINDING. i know that y'all are in hustle mode too so there's no need to preach, but if you look at her site you see that she's selling ads AND she's got a pay pal account set up to take donations. that's the hustle i'm talking about. we're all pretty dope writers, we should get paid for doing the same thing. that's where i need to be. i'm telling myself that if there's no serious job in sight by april or may, i'll set up a booth at a place called the bizarre (its kind of like a fleamarket filled with eclectic goods) to sell my lip glosses and lotions and crap. so here it is. its time for me to take the plunge. early on i thought i'd make it by writing novels. oh well, get it how you live. i love lip glosses. the thought of branching out on you own is kind of scary. but damn that, i wanna eat. and i wanna eat SHRIMP.

what 2008 taught me

it sounds so cliched to sit back and reflect on a year. but the older i get, the more it happens. my plan was originally to hang with my homegirl for new years but when she stood me up earlier, i knew that if she stood me up on new year's i'd be livid so i nixed my plans with her. i ended up with deen and the baby instead and we hung with some other friends also. we went to the peach drop, it was cold as a mofo but it was worth it. last new year's i was in my own apartment with the baby. and here i live with deen now. damn only a year later. anyway here's what the year taught me in no particular order.

6) be more open minded. in a class that i took last semester, i had to interview an activist so i chose a chick that was active in youth pride, an organization that deals with teens that are bi/lesbian/gay/transexual. sadly i only picked her because it was the easiest, but i learned so much that i actually hugged her when the interview was over. it was really an eye opening experience to talk to chris. she told me that her mother actually took her to a shrink and had her put on MEDS when she found out about her being a lesbian. damn. to bare myself, i used to say that i'd have a big problem if my child was gay, but hearing her speak i learned of how much gays really have to go through. chris (who prefers to dress more masculine) told me how at times she actually has to bring people with her for PROTECTION if she wants to go out to certain places in the middle of the night. damn again. to actually feel that your life is in danger because of who you date is in-fucking-sane. and to make sure that i got the message, the heavens had me hanging out with some friends and their 5 gay male friends. once again, i sheepishly admit that before that i'd had a misconception about gay black men. but i had a blast with them. they didn't talk about sex all night, they weren't wearing lip gloss, they didn't squeel alot and pop their lips. their outfits were immaculate (lol) but they were *gasp* normal. i'm such a dumbass. that's okay, because at least i'm learning. one day i'd like to work up the nerve to talk to a transexual to actually ask their story. chris made a good point in saying that those in the gay community should take more time to talk to people and tell their stories and answer questions. i agree because i learned how narrow-minded i really was before talking to her. i think that black people should do the same thing and be willing to talk to whites and not be so damned defensive all the time.
5) grind like my life depends on it. because to some degree, it does. this spring i will be taking my last required class for my degree and at the age of 28 i will FINALLY be a college graduate. so now its time to stop feeling sorry for myself and hustle like hell because i have to do more for me and my son. deen has helped us in so many ways but its time for me to standup and help deen as much as he's helped me. i need to get a good paying, full time job. perhaps i'll move out depending on what deen and i do, but i need to help him get out of school too. its time to pull my own weight a lot more.
4) be better at managing my money. yeah, the economy is fucked but that's no reason to not be more on top of spending and budgeting. i'll go into a store with $50 and swear to only spend $20 but i'll end up spending the whole damned $50. i'll have to use those little tricks like leaving the house with only enough to get what i NEED, not going shopping hungry, sticking to shopping lists, budgeting. all of that boring stuff. if the goal is to get my credit in order and buy a house, things have gotta be better on my end.
3) control my temper and stop being so damned emotional. i have gotten so mad at deen that i've hit him at times. i'm so humiliated to admit that to myself and others. but at the same time i am at least woman enough to admit my fault in our altercations. i haven't been with my ex in nearly 2 years but i still carry a lot of the negative baggage from that. but i'm slowly letting that go. sometimes with deen i get so pissed and afraid of once again being the woman that is being manipulated and used that i fly off the deep end. all i'm really doing is overcompensating for the times that i wish i would have stood up for myself previously.
2) forgive and forget. let go of the emotional baggage. a lot of people think that buddhism is stupid or a cult, but it taught me so much. i've learned to let go of things like anger and resentment. for those that aren't buddhist, i'd look into it. its possible to be buddhist and christian, because buddhism isn't a religion, its a philosophy. it brought me peace and clarity, things i never thought would be within my grasp. i forgave david, my mother, deen, i even just reminded myself to forgive deen's family. its amazing how much lighter you feel when you fully forgive and let go.
1) what its like to be loved. for a few nights things were really chaotic here. i was so pissed about the blog thing that didn't want to be in a room with deen so when he entered i'd just go into my room and close the door. and although i didn't know it at the time i really hurt him when i did that. we finally talked and we both bared our hearts and souls. and i fell in love with him all over again. and not only did i love him, he actually loved me. ME. that little fat girl with self esteem issues. he loved ME. a man loved me so much that me not wanting to be near him hurt him. i can't believe that i'm crying as i write this. i'm sure that i'll get mad at him again. and he'll get mad at me. but it means so damned much to know that someone that you love, loves you just as much in return. he took me to the mall and bought some jeans that showed that actually have a bit of a figure. its such a small thing, but its so big, he cared enough to want me to look good and feel good by and for myself. i didn't belive in love for a LONG time. but now i do. and i love deen.

why is it so hard?

i love deen. god (if there is one) knows how much. but i'm exhausted. for the record i NEVER set out to be insulting, however, other parties want to say that they were insulted. i never even got the chance to apologize. if my intention was to air dirty laundry, believe me, there is quite a LONG list of dirt for me to dish out. but like i said that wasn't my intention. hell, if i wanted to be insulting, it truly wouldn't be that hard for me. i've never been the one to be challenged or to back down easily. if you want to talk to me, how about an invitation instead of just popping the hell up and DEMANDING to see me? being overbearing didn't work then and it sure as hell isn't going to work now. i've gotten my ass kicked for not bending easily and other times i've been victorious and admired for it. people hate me. i know it. do i care? hell no. for those that know and love me, they'll tell you that i'm honest, loyal, goofy, and loving. it hurts me to know that people have managed to distance themselves from my SON just because they have a problem with me. its fucked up. its okay though. i've been physically threatened, dragged to court, had my name dragged through the mud and through it all, i've wanted was peace. for people that feel that i'm such a bad person and whatever else, its all good. i know me, i know my heart, i know my intentions, and most importantly i know that i love my son. you are well within your right to distance yourself from him because you have a problem with me, but whether you like it or not I AM AND ALWAYS WILL BE HIS MOTHER.
hopefully those fools won't even see this. deen actually logged into my ACCOUNT and deleted my last couple of blogs and the one about us dating. little does he know that i've still got the one about us dating saved, and my plan is to repost it soon. i actually had to change up my profile info just to avoid these cats. this shit is insane. most of yall that check in here are writers also so you can imagine how mad i was to have my intimate thoughts destroyed just because someone that had no damned business reading my shit was doing that anyway. my head hurts. i'm tired. i just want someone to hold me. anyone but deen.

the gift and the curse

i've got a secret. okay, i don't really do secrets, but i'll say that i've got a confession. i talk to the dead. well, they talk to me. it started like this: on june 13, 1998 (the morning of my high school graduation) my cousin passed away. my dad and i flew up to her funeral while my sister and my mother drove up to jersey for it. dad dropped me off at my house while i waited for moms and sis to get back. as i unpacked my bag i looked up at the picture over my bed and i saw her staring back at me- my dead cousin, tracy. i pinched myself, i rubbed my eyes. i told myself that it wasn't her, but the fact is in the place where my face should have been in that mirror was instead the face of my dead cousin. time went on and i missed her. at times i'd be watching tv in my room and it would randomly turn off on its own. i knew it was her, i just didn't want to think about it.

one day while i was watching montel williams he had silvia brown there, telling the audience how to communicate with the dead. she said to turn off everything and just listen. so that's what i did. i turned off the television and i heard my cousin tell me that she's there with our grandmother that passed before i was born, that she wasn't there with her cousin, that she loves everyone, and that she's not concerned about how she looked in her casket (i should backtrack and say that my cousin looked absolutely hideous in a powder blue lacey dress and her hair was in some kind of curly mess). hearing those things from her brought me a lot of peace. but strangely enough i heard something else afterward. i heard "sebastian, uncle, father, brother james, sebastian, james, uncle, father, brother, sebastian, james." the only person i knew named sebastian was my friend, dj scorpio, but only scorp's close friends and family call him his birth name. who was this spirit? and how the hell did it know scorpio? i thought it was his father that died when scorp was 3. i meant to ask him about it but i kept forgetting. one day in my car i thought back on that and reminded myself to ask scorp about the "james" person. i asked aloud if it was his father. and i heard the word "uncle" repeating in my head. later on i said to scorp, "this may sound weird, but do you have a dead relative named james?" and scorp replied "yeah." and then i said "who was he?" and scorp said that james was his uncle. then i asked how james was his uncle. scorp told me that james was his father's brother. i wanted to pass out. how the hell did i know that?! scorp stared at me blankly and was unphased. but i'd just randomly had a friend's dead relative contact me, tell me his name, tell me how he was related to my friend.
next up, a friend of mine had the misfortune of having her mother pass away on christmas eve. some years later, i got a "message" from the mother that she wanted me to pass on to her daughter- she died on christmas eve and not christmas because she didn't want her daughter to associate christmas day with her death. she was also proud at how hard her daughter worked to support herself (the family is from haiti and my friend sends money back to her poor family regularly). my friend is a nurse that works several jobs leads a pretty financially stable life. anyway, her mother is quite proud of who her daughter became and she's still with her. i called my friend and started with "this may sound weird but i got a message from your mother..." i expected her to be like "what the hell are you talking about?! that shit is crazy!" but my friend told me that she believed that her mother said those things because that sounded exactly like something she would say and if i got any other messages from her mother, feel free to call her and let her know. the funny thing is that when i get a "message" from someone i get more amazed than the receiver when the message is eerily familiar to them.

in another case, the cousin of my friend was killed by police up in boston. one day i got a message from the cousin. it kept saying "grandma." i had never met the cousin at all. i called my friend and asked if the cousin was close to his grandmother and my friend replied that yes, they were close. i said well, "i got a message from your cousin and he's with his grandmother, please let her know." my friend said he didn't know if he wanted to pass on the message to his grandmother since she was a religious freak. what could i do? i was only the messenger. a while later i got a feeling from the cousin that he liked the color blue and he was into basketball. i asked my friend about those things and sure enough, the cousin liked blue and basketball. i asked if he'd passed on the message to his grandmother. he hadn't and he had no plans to do so. *sigh* well, at least i'd held up my end of the bargain.

the most eerie occurence happened with my homegirl's boyfriend's father. the father died and she called to tell me. she didn't want me to mention that his father had passed away so i didn't. we went to meet up with him and so help me, i could see the energy of his father with him. it was a soft light standing right next to him. i later got a message from the father. well it wasn't even a message. it was more of a vibe. he struck me as a man of few words. he was a strong communicator, but he was silent. he loved his kids. he was in a better place. he raised his son to be a man and he didn't want him to be sad. i can't really remember what the rest was. i told my homegirl that i've got the "gift" i don't really tell people about it unless it comes up and/or i have a message because frankly i get tired of people thinking that i'm crazy. anyway i told her that i have a message from the father and after thinking for a minute, she decided to tell her boyfriend and he got on the phone with me. i told him that i saw/felt his father with him when i saw him and i told him what i knew. that he was a silent man, strong communicator, better place, etc. he seemed kinda blank and thanked me. she called me later and said something that shocked the hell out of me. his father was silent because he'd had a tracheotomy. she didn't know that and nor did i until the boyfriend told us. there was absolutely no way for me to know how or why he was silent. scary.

i also passed on to my teacher that his mother was with him. actually i asked him if there was someone in his past who liked to bake, a matronly person. he said yes, his mother. and he went on to desribe her love of baking and keeping a warm kitchen going. i'd already had the picture and the feeling in my head before he even desribed it. i've had a few other incidents like this. my friend was talking about her dad on the anniversary of his death and told her about my gift and i relayed to her how his spirit was. its kind of scary how accurate i was. i told her that he was concerned about her health and he wanted her to monitor it.

in my own life, aside from my cousin, my son's spirit guide "george" was with me while i was pregnant. i don't know much about george. he just came to me and let me know that he was gonna keep an eye on my little booger for me. i know that george comes from deen's mother's side of the family. he was tall and strong and well respected in his community. i feel that he looked a bit like deen, only darker. his life was cut short, but i'm not sure how. he was also a bit of a ladies' man, although his heart was with his wife. i told deen about george and of course deen thinks i'm crazy, but i know that george is with caleb now, which is why i don't feel him anymore. its up to caleb to get to know him now.

the downside is when i try to tell people about their relatives but they're too blinded by religion or fear of the unknown to hear me out. recently i got a "vibe" about my friend's husband. his mother contacted me. her spirit was BEAUTIFUL. so beautiful i was moved to tears. you actually hear people try to label someone as a saint when they aren't but she was wonderful. she was so at peace. i truly hope that everyone could be who and what his mother is and was. i can see why her son was devestated by her loss. i called my friend to let her know to tell hubby that i had a message from his mother. i told her that his mother loved my friend and thinks she's great for him. she's also watching over their small daughter. i wanted to pass on her messages to him so much because i knew it would bring him peace. she called me later and told me that he had no desire to hear a message from his dead mother. i don't understand it. if your life (not him in particular, but anyone) is so messed up from the loss of the person most important to you, why not open your mind and your ears to move on and hear them out?

people sometimes ask me how they can talk to the deceased and i think its simply a skill that you have to hone. you can't hold on to religious philosophy of what is and isn't and you have to be willing to hear what you find out, even if it isn't what you expect. you have to ask questions and in my case, not be afraid to look like a total nutjob when you walk up to people and ask them/tell them about their dead associates. more than anything, just listen. i mean LISTEN. they're always talking to us. they always surround us. just pay attention. many of the crazy and random things that happen in life are the results of the spirit world. sometimes they go out of their way to get attention. i've had spirits throw thing to get my attention. when they do that, i simply say out loud "look, i know that you're here and i don't mind, just respect me and i'll respect you. no throwing knives or anything dangerous and please, for the love of GOD don't appear, that'll scare the hell out of me." and they seriously back up. they may continue to throw things to announce their presence, but as long its not thrown AT me and as long as they don't appear, i don't mind them moving things around.

once my floodgate opened, it was crazy how many people were trying to contact me. i seriously felt like whoopi goldberg in the movie "ghost." they were all talking to me at the same time and everything. i didn't get a moment of rest. at one point i was trying to sleep and i had to literally sit up and tell the spirits that i'd get to them when i could. now they're a lot more respectful and they don't all crowd me, but they do pop up on their own. sometimes i can call them when i want to, othertimes they just start talking to me. my dead cousin once whispered to me that she loves me. i felt the spirit of emmitt till. seriously. he was loud and playful. he's still the same 14 year old boy. wherever his spirit is, he doesn't focus on his ending. he's just the same jovial laughing, playing boy. i can seriously hear him laugh and talk. its kind of cool to know that people that have passed on don't focus on their endings, they focus on their lives. i guess the living could learn a lot from the undead.

i don't know if i believe in god and it scares me

i was raised as a non-practicing christian. we celebrated christmas and easter and that was about it. at the age of 18 i met a wonderful man that was a muslim. he introduced me to a new way of seeing spirituality and the world. from that point on, i considered myself agnostic. i believed in god, but i followed no particular religion. that worked well for me for the past 10 years. but a few months ago, i found myself wanting more. i'd always said that if i followed any particular religion in the future it would either be islam or buddhism. i liked that islam was about inner discipline while buddhism focused on inner peace. i wanted peace. i needed peace. i was so angry about all the stuff my ex put me through for years and then deen and his bullshit that i'd actually become violent against deen. its not something i was proud of but i swear there were times he pushed my buttons in a way that only he could. and i'd punch him. we'd always make up. i hated myself. i'd let 10 years of an emotionally abusive relationship with one idiot plus a 2 year relationship full of lies and jealousy with my son's father turn me into a volatile stranger. the woman that was once about peace and love would suddenly end up putting scratches and whatnot on the father of her child. what happened to me? i needed to center myself. i turned to buddhism.
it helped. i felt better. i didn't yell as much. one of the cool things is that buddhism isn't really a religion, its a philosophy. you can be christian and be buddhist. i was still able to hold on to my view of god being a higher power. because buddha isn't a "god" he's merely the only person (or the first) to reach enlightenment and tell others how to reach it. buddhism worked. i'm a buddhist.
but buddhism didn't answer everything. why did bad things happen to good people? why do good things happen to bad people? if there is a God how can people still suffer? if God really loves us, why would he make us suffer to prove our love and devotion to him? wouldn't that make God a sadist? what kind of person claims that they love you, yet puts you through all kinds of crap, and tells you that as long as you believe in them till the end, you'll be cool once you're DEAD? it made sense to me before, but now it seems kind of silly and impossible. suppose someone had a girlfriend that said "i love you like no other" to her dude. then she then burned down his house. she lent his ear whenever he needed to talk and stuff would be good for a minute. and then she'd get him fired from his job for some crap. but she still lent an ear. and whenever he said to her, "why are you putting me through all of this crap?" she replied with "just keep believing that i love you and eventually when you're DEAD you'll reap the benefit of our relationship." sounds stupid like that, huh? i've had people say to me "well you can't really say there isn't a God because you're in america and stuff could be worse." which brings me to another point. yeah, the government is pretty effed up here, but stuff could be way worse. my son was a whopping 10 lb 9 oz monster. because he was so big, i was unable to deliver him vaginally so i was given a c-section. i later asked a nurse what would have happened if i'd have had the same dilemma in a country that doesn't have as advanced medical care. she replied that the baby and i would have most likely died during birth. yeah, i was lucky, dare i say BLESSED to live in a place where a relatively simple procedure brought my son into the world safely. so what makes me so special that i'm deserving of a huge healthy baby and not women in underdeveloped nations? where was God for them?
when i think about some things its hard not to think there's a higher power looking at us. the light of my life, my son, was created during a simple act with his father. the baby was originally a single cell. and then he was the size of a grain of rice. and then he got bigger. and bigger. and once he was born he continued to grow. now he runs around the house saying "mumma" and "da-da." soon he'll be creating his own single cell. if there is no God, how can something is miraculous happen?
once it occured to me that there may be no God i felt TERRIBLE. i felt like i'd discovered that the only mother that i'd ever known was found to not be my mother. it was like i was adopted. i wondered where i came from. was there really a power that loved me? was i really on my own? it hurt like hell. i cried. i wanted to believe in God. i just didn't know how. no matter how much i wanted it to, it just didn't make sense anymore. i couldn't shake the feeling of knowing that my life is better than that of others (relatively) and i'm no better than anyone else, so why would i get better treatment cosmically?
on the good note, with me thinking that there's no God, i felt in control of my life. suddenly if there's no God to determine how my day is going, i'm the only one that determines it. it was up to me to determine my fate. rather than just blaming the heavens for my misfortune, it was on ME how and where i ended up. it felt good to know that it wasn't up to a random spook how things would go. it was my call.
i wish i could talk about God to people, but here in the south its hard enough to talk about there being a God that had nothing to do with jesus, but when i start talking about there possibly not even being a God people get personally offended. in other places the thought of there being no God may be a tad more accepted but here that's not something to sneeze at. so i'm alone. i wish i could bounce ideas off people, but i'm alone in my spiritual imbalance. is there a God? i don't know. but i wish i did.

why not to get involved with models

i've noticed that i blog about sex a lot and i really don't know why because its not like i'm missing it or anything. but sex is so fascinating. its something that most of us have in common in one way or another. after reading justjasmine's blog (http://aneverendingchase.blogspot.com/) today, i was inspired to share my own story of sexual disappointment. enjoy. because i sure as hell didn't.
i met him at a show that a friend of mine was having. he was cute. damned cute. a model. he was about 6 feet tall, green eyes, perfect body, he had locs that flowed down his back. and although he was a hottie, he really wasn't the kind of guy i normally go for. he was a little too "put together" if you know what i mean. so anyway, he was talking with a mutual friend when i walked up and when the friend left i was surprised that the model continued to talk to me. he's a model, what the hell would he want with me? so while i enjoyed the conversation, i made it a point to not be following the guy around all night. he actually clung to ME. i could not believe that a cute guy like this was actually kind of digging me. we exchanged phone numbers at the end of the night and agreed to hang out later.
we hung later and things were fun. we laughed a lot, talked about our hopes and dreams, he even cooked for me. and i didn't hear from him again. i didn't really sweat it when suddenly i'd call him and never even get a response. so imagine my surpise when i got an invitation to a party that he was throwing, but the invitation came through a mutual friend. i was NOT having it. i had no intentions of seeing the bastard. he couldn't even pick up the phone to invite me? not even. anyway the night of his party my buddy needed a ride there after the club event we were at so i ended up taking him and i decided to stick around for a while. the fucking model (the s.o.b. that hadn't talked to me in a month and didn't even call me to invite me to the party) kept pulling me into his bedroom to kiss me. and it was the worst kiss EVER. don't get me wrong, i'm a kissing slut so i'm always open for a smooch, but if you're gonna pull me away from the party, at least let the kiss be worth it. how can you not open your mouth? i was SO pissed. he kept telling me how nice i looked and trying to put his hand up my skirt. not hearing it.
even though we didn't get down that night, we became cool enough to hang out on occasion. he lived close to the outback steakhouse where i was working and occasionally i'd go by his crib when i got out of work. one night after work i decided to stop by his crib. somehow we got to talking about sex and i gave him a massage as the new alicia keys live cd played in the background. we started kissing. he pulled out a condom. there was NO foreplay. he just started. silence. no moaning. NOTHING. i didn't hear "how are you?" "tell me what you like" "whose is it?!" "what's my name?!" "whose your daddy?!" "put your finger in my ass!" NOTHING. it was him pounding away silently. and about 8 minutes later he just stopped. he just pulled out and walked into the bathroom. i asked if he came and he said yeah. lucky him, because i sure didn't. i left shortly thereafter and felt dirty, cheap and used.
the experience was bad enough but what was really ugly was that after the fact, once again, didn't hear from him. i understand not calling the next day but a week later i didn't hear from him still. i was LIVID. a few weeks later i called a mutual friend and i told her about the experience and she actually went back to him and told him what i'd said. i was ticked that my homegirl shared the info with him.
about 4 months later i ran into him in a club and we talked about the whole experience. he started by saying that i obviously wanted to seduce him since i came to his home without underwear on. i told him that it was simply laundry day, that's why i was missing undies. i also reminded him that i came to his home wearing my outback steakhouse uniform, straight from work. if i was planning to seduce a man i sure wouldn't be wearing that ugly ass uniform, straight from work, hadn't even showered yet, smelling like au jus. he accused me of trying to get next to his friends and coworkers in an attempt to stay close to him. wrong again. the friend who's number i had gotten, i'd originally met at his party before he and i slept together and i had nearly 300 phone numbers in my phone. i'm a social person. i'm able to get someone's phone number without there being some kind of sneaky ulterior motive.
he and i distantly stayed in the same social circles but i eventually gave up trying to be civil toward him. FUCK HIM. its not my fault that he's a bad fuck. he went out of his way to get next to me and then he had the nerve to change the story up to say that i was i had chased him and not vice versa. originally i felt bad that it got back to him that i said he's a bad screw, but i never would have said that (although i still would have thought it) if he hadn't gotten foul by never calling me back. yeah he was cute, but the big ass ego he had killed the whole thing for me. no more models. i'll take a regular looking dude with great sex over the model anyday. i can't listen to the alicia keys live cd to this day.

this site made me think

i'd like an opinion from you guys on this site. take a minute to check it out and tell me what you think.

home.comcast.net/~wolfand

jokes- oldies, but goodies

i came across these on a website and i thought i'd share them. enjoy.



Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, andgood-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Pepper spray will do that to you .


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

i was "tagged"

i just looked at just jazmine's blog and i realized that by me being tagged i have to tell y'all 7 random things about myself. this is kind of hard. oh goodness. here goes:

1) i am paralyzed by my fear of mushrooms and butterflies. mushrooms scare the hell out of me. they always have. i don't know why. they just look weird. when i see them in nature, i go out of my way to avoid them. and butterflies are so f*cking creepy. they don't just flutter, they get all up in your face and flutter. i want to shudder just thinking about either of them.

2) i don't know what i want to be when i grow up. i've been in college for 10 years and i'm finally about to graduate with a degree in communications and i have no clue what i want to do for a career.

3) i'm a gemini through and through. i can tell someone that i love them and curse them out in the same breath. you can meet a bunch of different me's depending on what day it is. but that makes me an interesting person to converse with because it never gets boring since i'm always switching topics.

4) i've lived in atlanta my whole life and i'm one of the few natives. sometimes i want to move out of here, but i want my son to be close to his father.

5) the quickest way for me to downright despise you is for you to be a liar. most people aren't too fond of liars, but i've got an especially strong aversion to them. i've dealt with a lot of people that hate on me and they tend to be the biggest liars so i avoid people i know to be liars like the plague. once i notice the first lie from you, i scratch you off of my cool list. i also tend to listen to what people say and instinctivly check it against something they've told me before. for instance, if you tell me that your dad is dead and he was a drunken deadbeat but 4 years from now you tell me that your dad is awesome and you've never had and argument, unless you're talking about a step parent, i'll instantly know that you're lying. i don't know why someone would lie about stuff like that, but they do.

6) i want more children. i know that my financial situation isn't too good right now, but once i finish my last class next semester and get a decent full time job, i want another baby. i want my son to have a brother or sister to run around with.

7) i'm starting to again believe that i'll never get married. i used to think that i'd never get have children, but then i met my son's father. i love him, but i don't see us getting married. i'd rather tell myself that it'll NEVER happen and be pleasantly surprised if it does, rather than telling myself that i'll meet the perfect man, it not happening and being disappointed.

on being the "cute" friend

throughout most of my formative young years, i was (sadly) the fat friend. its okay, i've come to terms with it. i've been the same shape since i was about 15, in fact i can still fit most of my clothes from high school (my stylish friends beg me to throw that stuff out since they SWEAR that my platform Spice Girl inspired sneakers will never make a comeback). most women would love to say that they've stayed the same size (14-16) since high school, but mine is a double-edged sword. being the size that i am at 28 years old and a mother is pretty impressive. being the size that i am at the age of 14 was horrifying. and to make matters worse my friends tended to be pretty and stylish. those bitches would drag me into stores like 5-7-9 that only sold sizes up to size 9. bitches. and one friend was even a size 0. oh, the horror.
i remember how my friends would hang out with guys and then bring me along to be the girl to make sure that the guy doesn't try anything. i was always in the next room or if she really didn't want him to try anything they'd give me instructions ahead of time to stay in the room no matter what. and in anticipation that they'd bring me along to cock block, the horny boyfriend would bring one of his guys along to keep me company. of course the homeboy would never be cute. actually, uncuteness i don't mind. the fact that they'd normally have the intellect of a bag of nickles was normally what turned me off. truthfully, i can get with nearly any guy as long as we've got good conversation. and that never happened. so i would be stuck with stupid ugly guys while my homegirls would be making out with their cute boyfriends in the next room. good times.
time was eventually kind enough to let me grow into my weight. by 18 i was a regular in the clubs with my short skirts and low-cut tops. i wasn't typically one to give it up easily, but i looked good enough for guys to wish that i was. as time went on and i met more people, i suddenly became the "cute" friend in my new crew of homegirls. thankfully the attention never really went to my head because in my mind i was still the ugly fat girl from high school. it really wasn't until i was about 24 that i even realized that i was even attractive. yeah, guys hit on me, but i depend more on my personality and making a guy laugh than looks to hook them so i didn't think of my looks as a reason for them to want me. anyway, i'd be out with my less attractive friends (i feel like a total snob saying that) and suddenly a guy that i was eyeballing was suddenly actually eyeballing ME back. when and how the hell did that happen?
but with that attention came something that i never thought would happen. yeah, i got more attention from guys, but was the attention something i wanted? since i know what its like to try to approach someone and have them make you look like a total ass, i make it a point to be polite to ALL men that try to approach me, whether they have a snowballs chance in hell or not. and yeah, i got approached a lot. but those guys didn't ask me what books i read or what kind of music i like. most of them just wanted to know when we could "hang out." and when we did hang out (notice the lack of quotation marks here) we'd simply stare at one another. we clearly couldn't talk about the news or books or politics. because half those ignant bastards didn't know their asses from their elbows.
so i became a woman that suddenly got attention from men, but i wasn't a woman that was born beautiful so i didn't think it was my God-given right to be a bitch to men. so now even when i don't want to be bothered, i still smile and talk and nicely decline giving away my phone number. yeah, the quantity of men increased, but the quality sure didn't. i wanted to be attractive, but now dudes wanna holler just because i've got big boobs and a decent smile. is this what i wanted? men to be attracted to me based soley on how i look. the grass really isn't greener here.

the "going to court" blog

i had mentioned earlier about me having to go to court dealing with skank that deen was screwing back in the day. i posted this blog on my myspace page so i thought i'd put it here also to match my father's day in court. we are a classy bunch. enjoy!

I know that I can be labeled as a bit of a conspiracy theorist at times, but I'm officially convinced that there is a group of super crazy bitches that meet up and trade information about me, and their main goal is to collectively stalk me and drive me fucking crazy.
Well anyway, I mentioned a while back about some delusional whore that was contacting Deen and talking out the side of her neck about me. If she had contacted him and called him everything but a child of God, I wouldn't have cared. But the fact that this bitch took the liberty to talk sideways about me, no, I didn't take to it well. She doesn't even know me. So YES, I did contact her to tell her to keep my name out of her mouth. What I didn't tell y'all was that the nutty bitch went so far as to get a RESTRAINING ORDER. Oh my fucking GOD, this bitch doesn't have anything better to do than spend all day in fucking court?
So today, we went to court.This bitch gets before the judge saying that she's his ex-girlfriend (she's his ex-JUMPOFF) and saying that I'm ONE OF his babymamas. Are you serious? After all of the shit he and I have been through, the last thing that man wants is more kids and/or babymamas. So then she pulls the blog I wrote about me contacting her (note, I never said her name in the blog, nor do I intend to in this blog) and tries to call it proof. And then she accuses me of calling her at her job and hanging up. She even tries to show emails that I've supposedly sent her. All I could do was laugh. I mean seriously, I'll admit to what I did but calling her job? How the hell would I even get her work number to begin with? And then she said that she went out of her way to get me banned from City Hall where she works. The funny thing about that is that I have no reason at all to go to City Hall. I only went there when Deen worked there. And he and I only met outside. Do you know how tight security is at City Hall? I'd have to be James Bond to get up in there, whether she was there or not. I don't know where in the building the nutjob works, nor do I care. So anyway, I get up and the first thing I say is that she IS NOT his ex. I explained how much stuff Deen had on his plate when I was pregnant and the LAST thing he wanted at the time was another chick to answer to. I know that I ran him ragged lol. Then I informed them that I am the ONE and ONLY mother to his only child. And then I responded that yes, I did contact her, but it was only after she went fly at the mouth. I also let the judge know that I don't know where she works, nor do I CARE. Same thing for her home. I don't know and I don't care. I told the judge that I'm a college student and a mother and I don't have time to go chasing this heifer down. The bitch then tried to say that she only contacted Deen to discuss stuff they talked about at work. So then I asked about her contacting him in the middle of the night and when I picked up his phone, the crazy bitch hung up. The funniest thing was when she tried to say that when she was talking about him knocking up that "ugly bitch," she wasn't talking about me, she was talking about another woman and that she was drunk at the time. All I could do was shake my head and laugh in disbelief. So the judge asked who he supposedly knocked up. She said that she didn't know the chick's name (WHAT?!) but she heard he had a baby in the pipeline. I laughed. Damn girl, if you're gonna lie, be good with it. The judge then asked if I'd ever threatened her and she mentioned me sending her a message about carpeting my living room with her badly permed hair (I guess she neglected to mention the part where I said "if you show up at my home again, I will carpet...). So to answer the question, no, I never threatened her. And then the judge asked if I'd ever destroyed any of her property. She tried to say that I did something to her makeup (it was so pitiful at this point that the people in the courtroom were laughing at her).
The judge was basically like, both of us were in the wrong and she ordered us to stay away from one another. Which I'm fine with because I really don't have anything to say to the crazy bitch at this point. I let her know that she was wrong, and that's all I wanted to do. So since I know that yet ANOTHER crazy bitch is reading my blog, I put the truth out there. When I picked him up from work today (I'm driving his car) we shared a good laugh about him supposedly having more children. I've been telling my son that he's got brothers and sisters floating around. lol. That bitch is so pathetic.I wish that I had let the judge know that I'm an unemployed college student that I've told Deen numerous times over that if he wants to go fucking with that skank he can, or anyone else. But he keeps me here and he pays the bills and he loves me and our child. The man is flawed. VERY. That's okay though, because I'm fucking his flawed ass tonight and I know that she wishes it was her. Which makes it worth it. And if the bitch decides to go back to court, I haven't threatened her or any of that. I hope she falls down a flight of stairs, head first. But that's not a threat, that's a wish. And if she has a problem with what I'm writing, then goddammit, bitch, don't read it.

ANOTHER member of the family gets dragged into court

Well, if i'm considered crazy, it can be said that i got it honestly. Today I called my dad to ask him something and he finished his reply with "yeah, i just got out of jail." I could only imagine what my father had done this time. Now just for you that don't know, my father is a recovered crackhead who sobered up and went on to get his masters and his Ph.D. He's still mad as a box of frogs though. He reminded me about a guy that he'd been having problems with. The guy has a son in my little brother's class and since his son is an only child, they took a latching to my brother. The guy constantly wanted to take my little brother to the movies and all kinds of stuff. Strangely enough, this isn't the first time someone has attached themself to my biracial brother in a seemingly strange way. I can't understand why, frankly, the boy has the personality of toast. Anyway, my father being a person that has worked with child molestors, drug abusers, and schizos, is kind of wary of people. Honestly, I can't blame him. I want to work full-time but I'm apprehensive about leaving my child with a stranger instead of trading him off with Deen. People are crazy. I've got friends that lend their baby out every weekend and while I respect them doing what they do, I could NEVER just float my son around like that. Anyway, my dad had been complaining to me about the guy for at least a year. My father feels that its not his fault that the guy and his wife never had another child and its not my brother's responsibility to entertain their child.
So anyway my father confronts the guy at my little brother's school, of all places. My father was "talking loudly" as he put it. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if my father was yelling and cursing. Anyway, shortly thereafter, a warrant was issued and my father was arrested. He didn't even have to post bond, he got a signature bond. They went to court later and the guy brought the crossing guard from the school as his witness. The crossing guard told the judge point blank that my father yelled at him "leave me and my family alone."
The judge ruled that they pretty much avoid eachother and if they do, all charges will be dropped. That was the point that I'd told my dad about my own trip in front of a judge dealing with that crazy bitch and how in the end the judge also ruled that she and i just have to avoid eachother. He laughed about the whole thing and said "I guess people know now not to mess with us." He was right. He's still mad as a box of frogs. But he's right.

The New Way of Clubbing

A good friend of mine is a well-known dj in Atlanta, my homeboy DJ Scorpio. I got the word that he was having a birthday party, and of course he had 2 vip passes for me and Deen. I asked him ahead of time what type of crowd I should expect. I wanted to know so that I would know in advance how I should dress for the event. He told me that some of the artists that were invited were the Yin Yang Twins, Killer Mike and Gorilla Zoe. So yes, this was going to be one *classy* event (notice thie sarcasm there). Anyway, I knew right then that I would outdress any of the chicks there. Period. I knew that these hood chicks weren't going to know how to look fly up in the place, so I would have to show them how it was done.
I decided on a dressy pink blouse that I own and a long flowing fishtail skirt to match. That with my pointy toe heels, and I knew that it was all me. Deen complimented my look by wearing slacks, a long sleeved button down plaid shirt, and a blue sweater over it. He and I looked like a young professional couple out on the town.
The party took place at Studio 72, which is Jermaine Dupri's club. When we got to the club some guy walked up to our car and told us that it was $5 to park in the parking lot. Now this wasn't some paid lot, the club was in a damned strip mall. So these bastards were basically charging us to park in front of the damned barbershop in the same plaza. Niggas are ALWAYS trying to get over. We reluctantly paid it and walked up to the door. When we got in line there was a gentleman checking i.d.'s. I asked him how old people had to be to get in the club that night and he replied with "18 to party, 21 to drink." he must have noticed the stank look on my face because he responded by telling me that they didn't expect a lot of partiers under 21 that night. *sigh* I stood in the vip line to enter the club. I noticed that they were actually patting people down. Sweet Jesus. Patting people down? I'm a grown ass woman and I'm going into a club where people are getting patted down because they don't know how to act? I should have went back to the car right there. But I was there to support Scorpio. The guy in front of me was told that he couldn't enter the club with the black bandana that he had in his pocket so he volunteered to throw it away. This is around the point where I knew that I outgrew this scene a LONG time ago.
We got into the club and I quickly realized that I not only outdressed most of the women in there, I trampled the bitches. Since when does every woman walk into the club with sweaters and jeans? It was a little breezy that night, but dang, they could have at least tried. I was taken to back when I was 21 and hitting the clubs. My homegirls and I had the hair done, nails done, new outfits. We looked GOOD. Hell, we had to, competition was fierce. Women didn't walk into the club with jeans. We wore dresses and short skirts. Our boobs were hanging out. We looked like call girls, but dammit, we looked like high priced call girls. The chicks in Studio 72 that night looked like the came in from hanging at Starbucks. Somehow I didn't get the memo that women were no longer required to look nice while going out. I told Deen that he could go holler at a chick if he saw someone he wanted, and he shook his head and looked at me like I asked him to kill himself. No surprise because I sure as hell wasn't checking for any of the dudes in the club either.
When we got in there Deen headed straight to the bar. He ordered a cranberry and vodka. He complained for the next 10 minutes how watered down the drink was. Damn, Jermaine can charge people $5 to park but they're watering down drinks? Bastards. As he sipped, he also noticed that very few people were drinking. I guess other people felt the same thing about watered down drinks because most of the guys had beers. None of the chicks had drinks either. So basically, dudes weren't even buying drinks for the ladies. Hell when I was 21 and half-dressed, dudes were BEGGING us to take shots. The hoochies that night didn't even look good enough to get drunk to take home. With my friends, since I'm not much of a drinker, they normally had guys buy drinks, get drunk as hell, I kept a sober eye on them to make sure that no one tried anything crazy, and I took their drunk behinds home. Good times.
I don't know what happened to clubs. Granted this place was far more ghetto and younger than I've grown accustomed to. Deen and I left pretty early. I was done. I got dressed up and looked too damned good to be surrounded by kids that wouldn't know a real party if it happened on their doorstep. Things have changed. Ladies don't know the value of looking like ladies, dudes don't know that once you are 30 years old, there is no reason to dress like a 16-year-olds. Men don't buy drinks for ladies. I was utterly disgusted. I'm going back to MJQ Concourse in Atlanta. Where men still buy ladies drinks, great music is played, I know the djs, a nice outfit is appreciated (but not required), and I won't get patted down.

adventures in dating- another one bites the dust

i got a myspace message recently from a guy i'd never met. now due to that crazy hiefer's tendancy to act like other people and try to be my friend (i'm telling yall, that bitch chloe c. has no fucking life) i was rather apprehensive as to whether i should talk to him or not. he said that he stumbled upon my page and he thought i was pretty (flattery will get you everywhere!) and he gave me his number to call him. i thought about erasing the message, but i figured, what the hell, i'll try him.
on a day that i wasn't busy, i sent him a text saying that i'm malika and asking if he was busy. he replied later that he wasn't and we texted a few times back and forth. the first thing i noticed in the text he sent back was that he was referring to me as "baby" (strike 1) and despite me not being cool with it, i let it slide. we eventually got on the phone with one another. within the call i told him the same thing i tell all guys that are interested. i've got a son, live with my son's father, he and i aren't serious, and before i enter a relationship with anyone i want to be financially independent. somehow the conversation went to a strange place. he seemed so nice. he was educated, he even started his own book club. i told him about my internet being down and how its hurting me finishing out this semester of school and how hard it is to work on a project at a computer lab with the baby running around. the guy told me that i'm welcome to come to his house WITH MY SON to use his computer. *huh?* not gonna happen. so then as i once again talked about my desire to be financially independent he seemed to get a tad offended. i explained to him that its nothing personal, i simply don't want to depend on a man financially and then one day he comes home, tells me he's leaving, and my son and i are out on the streets. as thankful as i am that deen pays the bills, i keep it in mind that he could switch up on me any day. i think that most women should be ready for the worst. i would think that a man would be clicking his heels up to see that a woman desires to be able to take care of herself and her child, rather than depending SOLELY on him. not this guy. he said that is why trust is so important. i explained to him that jesus christ himself could come to me and say that he'll pay all of my bills and i wouldn't have to worry, and i'd say "no offense jesus, but i need to be able to pay my own bills first before i roll with you." of course, not being a christian makes it a bit easier for me to decline an invitation from jesus, but that's neither here nor there. anyway, he goes off into saying that he wants me to stay the night. i told him that i'm not having sex with ANYONE any time soon. he said he wants to know what its like to wake up holding me. now this wouldn't be nearly as weird if this weren't our FIRST phone conversation. as it truly dawns on me that this guy aren't on the same plain, in the same book, on the same planet, in the same solar system, in the same fucking galaxy. he just didn't get it. needless to say, strike 2. that's right, all of this foolishness, and the guy still has a little rope left to hang himself.
we'd been on the phone for an hour (its safe to say that i'm a glutton for punishment) and i had to get ready for work. i told him that i'd call him when i got home. well, once i got home, deen and caleb and i ended up watching t.v. and doing a family moment so i didn't call him. i had every intention of calling him back, that just wasn't the moment for me to do so. at 8:30 the next goddamned morning, dude texted me to ask if i was busy. do i seem like a morning person to ANY of you?! didn't think so. i happened to be up because i had just dropped deen off at work and i was on my way somewhere to go work on my project. i simply replied with a text that said "yes, i'm doing homework" and he replied with a text that said "yeah, sure whatever. just call me when you're not too busy." and there, ladies and gentlemen, we have strike 3.
first off, family, school and business comes before ANY dude right now. that's real talk. second of all don't EVER call or text me that early in the damned morning unless someone is dead or pregnant. and third, no, i won't call you all of the damned time. period. its nothing personal, i just have a lot of shit going on to where i don't wait by the damned phone to talk all of the damned time. i've got a clique of homegirls that i've had since high school and i'd take a bullet for those chicks and i don't even talk to them everyday. its because they have lives too. he really seemed like a nice guy. he's even texted me a few times since then, i just have no desire to talk to him. i just couldn't deal with someone that wanted to be under me 24/7. oh well, back to the drawing board.