I blogged a while ago about my friend Mr. Davis and how we'd reconnected after a long absence. I admitted that back in the day I'd had a major crush on him. We've again started talking on the phone and like always, he's a total joy to speak with. The other day I joked with him about him "rejecting" me back in the day. He told me that he'd never known that I had a crush on him. I marveled at how he could have missed it. Afterall, I did travel across the country to see him. I've never done that crap for anyone. As a matter of fact, my ex David was kind of pissed that I'd went and said that he didn't think I'd make the same kind of trip for him (he was so right). I followed him to various venues in Atlanta, where there were only 3 other people in the crowd. I watched him build up his fan base and I gladly bragged on him to anyone that would listen. How could he have missed it?
Anyway, Davis and I agreed to get together to hang. We spent the whole night laughing and talking platonically. Then it got late and I asked if I could crash for a few hours. Long story short, the option came up for us to dance the horizontal Tootsie Roll.
God only knows how much I wanted to. But I told him that Pookie and I were trying to head toward the whole "relationship" thing and that it wouldn't be cool for me to do what my vagina was begging to do. I told him that by sleeping with another guy, I would be implying that I wasn't serious about committing to Pookie. He said that Pookie would never know. I told him that I would know, and that me being the terrible liar that I am, it would only be a matter of time before it came out.
I got home at 3:30 and Pookie was wide awake in the living room, playing video games. He claimed he'd caught a second wind (riiight). He asked how it went. I looked at him and told him that nothing happened with me and Davis. Afterward, I'd asked him if he was ready to stop pussyfooting around and make things official with me. Eventually, we agreed to officially enter into a relationship.
I talked to a couple of my girlfriends about my night with him. I expressed frustration about dreaming of that very opportunity but then having to turn it down for what wasn't even an official relationship at the time. A few of my girlfriends said that I should have done it anyway. They said that after all of the crap I've been through with Pookie, that I was well within my right to do what I what I wanted. I expressed to them that yeah, I've been through a lot of shit, but how could I expect to move forward and have a serious relationship if I had no regard for it?
That's when it occurred to me that perhaps relationships have changed and I'm just one of the last to know. I mean, yeah, I had a lot of fun fooling around with Fred. He was beautiful, smart, funny and when I was with him I wasn't reminded of the responsibility that I have at home. And then there was Davis the man that I'd desired since the first time I lay eyes on him 5 years ago, as he performed in Apache. But would a few moments of pleasure really be worth not being able to keep my family together? Absolutely not.
So perhaps relationships are different now and I'm just the last one to know. Maybe I put more emphasis into my family than average people and that makes me some kind of sexually depraved freak of nature. Or maybe I'm just the kind of woman that would put my own pleasures to the side, for the sake of building my family and making it the best and strongest it can be. Yep, I think I might just be the latter.