Friday, August 27, 2010
Day 5: My Definition of Love
Lord, I swear the timing of some of these blog topics is a trip. I had to go to traffic court outside of the city with a friend of mine today. Where we were, we got to see people coming and going that were there to get married. I shouted congratulations at the happy couples as they walked off, but secretly all I could think is that I don't know if I'll ever want to be married.
Earlier in the day I'd had a conversation with a guy friend of mine about something that Pookie does that would definitely be a deal breaker. I'd told my friend that Pookie had a couple of habits that I couldn't deal with and I'd started to seriously question if I should instead just cut my losses and start looking for someone else. My friend admitted that yes, Pookie definitely had a problem that would be hard to deal with long term (no, it's not drugs or other women or anything like that) and that I had to decide if it was something I could accept. At the time I truly didn't know.
Anyway, I was so happy for the couples, but all I could think of what a sham the whole thing is. I came home, tired as hell after a long day, and Pookie said some slick shit to me. I told him to shut the fuck up. I walked into my bedroom. I dropped my food on my bed, walked back out to the living room and told him that I want to end everything. He asked me what I wanted to drop. I told him us. That's right. Let's end it. You can't and won't change and I'm not going to waste my time trying to. He shrugged his shoulders. It's over. Hell, that's definitely the shortest relationship I've had. I don't know how I feel. Cool I guess. I'm kind of relieved though. When I initially told him that I wanted to try being in a relationship, he fought the notion. He asked if I was giving him an ultimatum. I told him that there was no ultimatum involved. I simply refuse to waste another second of my life in a "relationship" that didn't work. He could choose to be with me or not. I wouldn't lose any sleep regardless. I told him that we'd still be homies, and I'd be okay with him getting another woman, but I'd damned sure be out dating and looking for the right man. He agreed that we could be a couple and see where things go. So that's why it was so easy for me to end it. It's just that time.
So on to the topic at hand. Love is acceptance. Love is knowing when to speak up. Love is knowing when to shut your damned mouth. Love is hugging a man even if he hasn't showered in two days, and knowing he has your heart regardless. Love is knowing its okay for you to talk crazy about him, but being willing to shank any bitch that opens her mouth to do the same. Love is seeing the best in someone, even if they don't see it in themselves. Love is being willing to walk away and knowing when its best to not look back.