"Put a Ring On It"- SHUT THE F*CK UP!!!

Recently while making my local blog rounds, I came across a post on Bossip about first date nonos. Many women were saying how they hate it when men don't pay on the first date. I commented on how on me and Pookie's first date, we stopped at a gelato spot and I had to pay for our gelatos because the place we were at didn't accept cards, which was all he had. He kept saying that we could run by an atm so he could pay me back and I told him not to worry about it. He's now the father of my child, he pays all of the bills, and his financial support helped me to graduate college. Two days from now will actually be the three year anniversary of our first date.

And what did I get for my words of wisdom about not judging a man harshly based on his perceived finances? I got chickenheads asking me if we're married. Actually to quote them, they wanted to know if he'd "put a ring on it," suggesting that things couldn't be that good if we're not married. Despite my many issues with Pookie, I truly love him with all of my heart. Do I want to marry him? No. Do I want to marry anyone? NO.

I respect Beyonce for her little tune about "putting a ring on it" however I'm so sick of people suddenly acting like a relationship isn't valid if two people haven't made it official for the government. The parents of one of my dearest friends have been together nearly 30 years, they own a home together and they are two of the kookiest and most fun and functional in a relationship people that I think I've ever seen. I've got another friend whose mother was married before, but after her divorce, she's got a good boyfriend who's strong, loyal, great to her kids, wonderful around the house. They live together. And they have no intention of getting married. My own mother was married twice, once to my father. My father and her next husband were total assholes. Her new man treats her the way a man should treat a woman. He literally caters to her. He even sends my son clothes sometimes. And he and my mom have no intention of getting hitched.

A few years ago when I was 19, I met a local radio personality who was trying to sleep with me. Did I mention that he was about 35 years old with a wife and child at home? I finally told him that I couldn't sleep with him and he gave me some lame line about him not being attracted to me because of my weight. Of course he never mentioned a problem with my weight until I told him that I wasn't going to fuck him. The loser just had to protect his ego. Funny enough, I've seen his wife out and about and you couldn't tell her that her shit didn't stink. The reason I didn't sleep with him was because he had a woman at home and all I could think was what a blow it would be to her ego for her for her man to be screwing some teenager. So I walked away. But he was a LOUSE.

I've got another homegirl who found out that her husband had cheated on her after her gynecologist told her that she had chlymdia. My father has cheated on his current wife over and over again, but frankly she's too naive and scared to believe it. Its crazy that I'm only his daughter and I know when he's out "working" until 1 in the morning, that he's getting his d*ck wet, yet his wife doesn't realize that. I heard about another homegirl that got wifed up, and she's having drama with her husband's baby mama because he's still screwing her. But she's the one he put a ring on.

Now I'm not saying all of this to say that I'm anti-marriage. I think that marriage is a beautiful and wonderful institution, when its entered into by two dedicated people that are willing and most importantly, ready, to make that leap. However, just because two people are married doesn't not make them happy. God only knows how much I love the father of my son, and I truly don't think that any woman could ever love him as much as I do. I've seen that man on his best days, and I've seen him on his worst days. I know what a bastard he really is at heart, and I love his inner bastard as much as I love the man that comes home and cooks dinner so we can have family movie night. I believe our bond is strong. It's obviously got it's imperfections. Are we any less serious because we're not married? Not at all. Our lack of marriage simply says that we realize that we probably aren't made to be together forever. But while we're together right now, we're a family unit that's continuing to work on our problems. The man was married before and we all know how that turned out.

All I'm saying is that a relationship should be judged, based on the commitment that two people have to one another, not just on a ceremony that people put on.

On a side note, I recently lost my cousin, Jarronn Jackson. Jarronn was only 29 years old. Jarronn got married back in mid May. He married a beautiful woman. Our last phone conversation, I mentioned to him how difficult relationships are. And Jarron told me how his relationship to his wife was simply effortless, which is how he knew she was the one. Less than three months after his wedding, he's gone. But I'll always remember the way he talked so lovingly about his wife and how happy they were. Jarronn showed me what marriage is supposed to look and feel like. Frankly, I don't have that with Pookie. But I love him just the same. But I don't see myself marrying a man if I don't see him being as excited about a relationship as Jarronn was. So I'd prefer to say that its not going to happen and later be surprised, rather than to hold out for something as effortless as Jarron and Jessica, and have it not happen. Jarronn loved Jessica with all of his heart before they got married. And I know he loves her with all of his heart from heaven.

I'll miss you Jarronn. Please hug my loved ones for me. And even though you're gone, I plan to hold to my promise to name my next child after you!!!

Please pray for me and my family.

DON'T TELL ME HOW I FEEL DAMMIT!!

the other night i decided to stop in and visit an old friend that i'd lost contact with. he worked at pleaser's strip club as a bouncer. things were well and good as we laughed about old times and caught up with one another. we talked about how i, of all people, became a mother and our wild times hanging out all night. he even laughed at me for saying that i was sleepy when it hit 3 a.m., comparing it to how i once drove him to tennesee on a wim and we didn't make it back until 6 a.m. well anyway, we decided to go to waffle house after he got off to discuss our lives even further. and then it started.
we discussed my time with david. i told him that i enjoy pissing off david's baby mama, because she no longer has the power to affect me, but i have so much power to piss her off. after all of the shit she did to me when i tried to be cool with her back in the day, i see no problem with me screwing with her head. my friend goes into this long tirade of how i'm not happy and she controls me, etc. my friend said that i've no longer got the same smile i used to. he claimed that i'm not loving. he said that the smile that was permanently spread across my face a few years ago is gone. i told him that now people have to work for my smile.
i tried to explain to him that no, i'm not the same weak, silly malika that was easily manipulated. before i had my son i gave so much of myself to so many people. i've let people crash on my couch, i've fed people, i've given people money. and in return when i was pregnant, broke and desperate, those same people gave their asses to kiss. so i built a wall. those of yall within my wall get to experience the silly and loving me that has always been there. everyone else can burn in hell. and i'm HAPPY with this progress. for the first time in my life i feel like i'm in control of my surroundings. for the first time in my life i've developed standards. i expect the people around me to be as loyal to me as i am to them. and i don't see a damned thing wrong with that.
so imagine how pissed i was when i explained myself and my "friend" kept twisting my words. i said to him that i'm happy, and he said to me, no you're not. and then i said "why can't you just be happy for me because i'm happy?" he replied with "i believe that you believe you're happy" which was another fucking slap in the face. he even went so far as to say that i'm not loving anymore, to which i took even more offense. i responded that i'm EXTREMELY loving that for the people i love, i'll take a bullet. he told me to make a loving statement. i said "deen is the best thing to ever happen to me" and he responded that wasn't a loving statement and that i should have said that my son is the best thing to ever happen to me. i responded that i tell my son all of the time that he's the most important thing in my world. under pressure i'd said deen since we had been talkin to him all night. the truth of the matter is that deen AND caleb are the center of my universe. my family is my reason for living. not loving, my ass.
i'm 29 years old, for the love of god. no body knows me better than me. there are plenty of people that don't know who and what they want and who and what they are. i'm not one of them. i was so emotionally drained when i left him last night. i was fuming the whole way home. i can't believe that i felt it necessary to defend my feelings. i got my friend's new number but i'm so pissed off after last night, i really don't know if i'm going to call him again. just because i'm not the same happy-go-lucky chick that he met some years ago, doesn't make me a robot. i've evolved. i got my ass kicked my life and i learned how to fight back. i'm happy being me. and anybody that doesn't like or believe my happiness can KICK ROCKS.

What Michael Jackson's Death Meant to the Black Community

June 25th is a day that will live in infamy for many of us. I was watching television when someone came on and said that Michael Jackson had been rushed to the hospital. I rolled my eyes and told myself that this was one of his stunts and then I got on the internet to look it up. We all know that MJ was a bit of a drama king, so most people were in watch & see mode. I kept switching back and forth to Twitter, Facebook, & TMZ. I knew it was bad when CNN was outside of the hospital to. And then I saw it on TMZ-

R.I.P. MICHAEL JACKSON.

My head hurt. My body ached. I cried hard. I sobbed like I'd gotten the call that one of my best friends had died. I wanted to throw up. My family actually called to offer me condolences. It was surreal. Someone that was a part of my life since I can remember was gone. No more. My stomach hurts just writing this.

Since the death of Michael Jackson, needless to say, there's been constant media attention. But beneath the media attention people are still hurting and crying. Many of us still have a hard time making it through a full Michael Jackson song without breaking down. What's pissing me off the most is how so many Whites are saying that MJ was just a man and that he's dead so move on already. I'm not saying that Michael didn't deeply impact so many people of so many different races. We've all seen the concert footage of people of all races passing out on top of one another. What I'm saying is that the people that were obviously not MJ fans, are ready to crap on this man's legacy and they feel that he's not worth the accolades and praise that we're giving him. If I hear or see one more person write "You're not related to him" I'm going to punch someone. The fact of the matter is that MJ has been in many of our hearts for decades. He was around at every barbeque and family reunion and countless parties and night clubs. He many not have been there physically, but his spirit lifted us up in our darkest hours. I don't know anyone that can listen to "Wanna Be Startin' Something" without shouting and clapping "Mama-Say-Mama-Sa-Mama-Cu-Sa!!!" by the end of the song. No matter who you are and what you're doing, by the end of that song you're dancing, singing, and shouting like you're at the deepest backwoods Southern church. And admit it, you LOVE it.

I understand that some people may not have embraced MJ the way that Black America did. We not only embraced him, we loved him. He was in the hearts and minds of many Black Americans. For a long time men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him. We knew that he had faults, because no one is perfect. He was quirky and sometimes downright weird. But he was our brother and we will always honor and respect him.

So I say to White America, there will be plenty of time for the news to focus on Iraq and cheating governors that leave the country to screw around. BFD if we want to take a few days or even weeks to grieve the loss of the greatest entertainer to ever live (take that Elvis!). If the world can stop spinning when Kurt Cobain dies, other folks need to leave us to grieve as a community. Michael Joseph Jackson inspired us to Heal the World. He was front and center for to remind us that We Are the World. He brought together many weddings and bar mitzphas with renditions of the Thriller dance. The man was Bad. You don't have to love or even like Michael Jackson, but for those of us that were impacted by his music and will continue to love and miss him, give us the respect of letting us grieve. Cuz God only knows how many of y'all are gonna cut the fool when Madonna drops dead.

I HATE YOU!!

yes you!!! I HATE YOU!!! i blame you!!! hate is a very strong emotion, i know that. yet i hate your ass. you have no idea how many times i've sat around hoping and praying that you drop dead any day now of hypertension, high blood pressure, or diabetes or anything else that you deserve to get. i'll settle for a random bus to run you over or you saying the wrong thing to the wrong mother fucker and someone cutting your ass up. you've fucked up so many lives yet you're too fucking arrogant to ever realize that. well he's fucked up and i blame your ass for that. trust me, i'll be there after your ass is long gone. go complain, that's what you do because you're too fucking weak to accept that you really are the waste of skin that i know you are. go complain, i'll continue to do me no matter how much you go crying to him. you may have many people fooled, but you don't fool me.

I'M WAITING FOR YOUR ASS TO DIE!!!

My Golden Rule

I can be a bit practical. I try to live my life by rules that I came to develop as I grew up observing other people's relationships. As I'd mentioned in a previous blog, I wasn't one of the pretty girls in my clique of high school home girls. No, sadly I was the fat girl that observed from the sidelines. So while they learned by doing, I learned by watching and hearing them bitch about their problems. Its funny thinking back on it, but at the time, being the girl that men weren't checking for stung like hell. The good thing for me was that even though I wasn't dating, I had plenty of guy friends and my guy friends were kind enough to school me on the ways that men operate.

One of my guy friends was also the boyfriend of one of my best friends. He and I would sit on the phone for hours just talking about life, relationships and the whole bit. I dubbed him my play brother. And my best friend hated it. One day he and I were on the phone for nearly 3 hours. (Stupidly) I called a mutual friend of me and the girlfriend and professed to her that I'd just had an awesome conversation with this guy. In all honesty, it was all love. As I said before I "reeked of virgin" so this guy wouldn't ever put that much time into trying to get with me. But we did have a great bond. When his girl friend found out, she was LIVID. Apparently she and another friend had been on the phone trying to will him to call her (because goodness forbid she call him first) while the whole time he'd been on the phone laughing it up with me. My best friend did what any girl friend would have done and demanded that my friendship with her dude end. By that point he and I had bonded so much that I was heartbroken by the ultimatum. He suggested that we stop talking as much, but remain cool and just not let old girl know that we were still folks. She and he eventually stopped talking for one stupid reason or another and she and I are still best friends over 10 years later.

Anyway, a couple years after that, I had a boyfriend and I was on the other side of the coin. My best friend and my boyfriend became cool. Fast forward 10 years and she and he are friends, she and his baby mama (my sworn enemy- a pill popping crack whore) are best friends. Her best friend, my sworn enemy, told her that we aren't allowed to be friends. A grown ass woman stopped talking to me because her friend was jealous. When the dude I was dating and my (at the time) best friend became buddies I tried to stop it because I knew where it would lead. Jealousy, rumors, speculation, bad looks. He knew I didn't want him to be buddies with my homegirl, so he pursued it just because that's the kind of world class douche bag he is. So the more I wanted them to not be cool, the cooler they became. They are now pretty much extended family.

That and some other things I went through came to led me live my life by a very strict code: friends, my man, my family and my job are to mix in no terms. EVER. By that I mean that my family couldn't hang with my dude and become best friends with him, I'd never work with my man, my friends can't hang with my co-workers. Basically no intermingling of those 4 aspects of my life and I will die or kick ass to keep it from happening.

Don't get me wrong, one of my homegirls can come to the house and chill with me and my son's father any day. Deen once gave my homegirl $20 to pay the last bit of her rent. But if we discovered that they had mutual interests and suddenly she wanted to start hanging over to talk about comic books and the movie "Heavy Metal" I'd quickly nip that shit in the bud. I wouldn't want my sisters calling my dude to talk about their relationship problems. In high school my little sis was in middle school while trying to hang out with MY friends and that took a toll in my house and in my friendships. I was once stupid enough to work with my best friend (yet another chick- its funny how many best friends i've been through- I do have a constant set of friends though). My (former) best friend was a jealous pathelogcial liar that tried her best to get me hired on to try later to get me fired (shit got so bad, I quit). She turned my coworkers against me and to this day most of them still don't talk to me and I don't even know what lie(s) she told them to make them hate me. So because of that I don't want my man, my friends or my family up in my stuff at work.

I know some people think my golden rule is insane and/or paranoid, but I've realized that it really is best to keep everything separate. When folks start mixing things get complicated. I don't want to fall out with someone in one section and expect someone else to be brought into the middle. Loyalty is very important to me and I know how hard it is to be loyal when you've developed a bit of a connection to both parties. So the best thing to do is to make sure that no connection is ever started. Call me what you want, but I know how to keep drama to a minimum.

there is no bad hair- please let me prove it

today was the birthday party of my little sister, karah. the birthday party was at a place called "leaping lizards" which consisted of a bunch of blow up bounce houses for children to play on. the circle that my stepmother and father run in is the uber new parents. most of them are older educated people, many of which waited until they were over 35 to have their first child. needless to say, the whole damned clique is nothing but soccer moms in mini vans. my stepmother is white, my father is black, and many of the couples in the soccer mom clique are also biracial, and some of the children are even adopted. theirs is a scene where its not hard to know who belongs where if you pay attention long enough.

today at the party, i observed two dark skinned girls that may have been about 7 or 8 years old. they seemed happy and healthy as they giggled and shared cake and pizza with one another. the one thing that struck a slight cord with me was their hair. it looked- well HIDEOUS. knowing this particular circle, i quickly deduced that the older white woman that kept coming to check on the girls was probably their adopted mother. their hair- oh the horror. one girl had a head band on, and her hair was (and i'm not exaggerating or making this up) literally one big nap. i mean seriously, her hair looked like it was all locking together. the other girl's hair was parted (badly) into six small afro poofs that were tied down with pink barrettes. and while it looked like there was at some point an attempt to style her hair, it too was long past needing some upkeep. their hair had absolutely no moisture. i knew the girls were African and their hair texture was tough, but there was no reason at all for these young girls to come out of the house with their heads uncombed for what seriously looked like a month or two.

i don't want to seem like i'm just being shallow and thinking "god they look a hot mess" because honestly, they looked clean from head to toe. they also had (what i'm assuming was) a brother with them, and he was clean and his head had a nice low, neat haircut. i tried to think of nice diplomatic ways to strike up conversation with their mother about hair conditioning products and the best kind of afro comb and hair pick to tackle their manes. i thought of the "just for me" comb in conditioner and a good afro pick and then an afro comb to completely fluff them out. the one in the head band would have had a beautiful crowning fluffed out fro and the other one could have gotten her hair into two cute afro puffs. if their mother would have even asked, i would have had no problem going over there to wash comb, and even braid their hair myself. i just found that it was so unfair for the girls to look so bad just because their mother obviously wasn't aware of how to properly care for their hair.

i've been natural for about 8 years and i remember what a challenge it was for me to learn how to care for my own hair once i'd cut the perm out. suddenly moisturizers and conditioners were so much more important. those cutesy little rat tail combs were only used for parting my hair, because they sure as hell weren't going to tackle my naps. the fact is, very few people even know how to properly care for natural black hair. and i guess that why i felt so sorry for the little girls. i wouldn't have suggested to perm their hair, but i would love to share my knowledge and experience of how to properly care for their tresses.

i asked my stepmother about the girls and she confirmed that they were adopted and that their adopted mother was a missionary that met the girls on a trip to Africa. she also said that the girls go back to Africa for a year and then come back to the states to live for a year. when i asked her the best way to approach the girls' mother about hair care, my stepmother suggested that i not. she told me that she has another friend with an adopted black child and any time anyone suggests a way to fix the child's hair she grows defensive. (WTF?!) why even adopt a child if you're not going to be willing to do everything possible to make sure they're properly groomed? anyway, i commend their adopted mother's attempt at keeping the girls close to their roots (no pun intended). but one thing i've seriously learned is that white people truly don't understand how big of a thing hair is in the black community. even on the continent of Africa, hair is decorated in elaborate and beautiful ways. to let their hair look so bad was not only an embarrassment, it could even be seen as disrespectful.

by that point, i looked around i think the girls had left with their mother already anyway. frankly, if i'd have gotten into a conversation with their mother, i don't think i could have resisted the urge to suggest dax, hair food, bonner brothers, African pride, tcb, or sta-sof-fro for the girls. my brain isn't wired to shut up when it comes time to help defenseless children. sorry, that's just how i roll.

i hope that when the girls go back to Africa, the second they step off the plane someone snatches those girls up and washes, picks, combs and braids the hell out of their heads. because they are innocent little girls and they deserve to look pretty too.

was he "the one that got away" or was i?

back story: about 8 years ago while i was a student at georgia perimeter college, i developed a huge crush on a guy. his name was marinotti. apparently many other women thought he was a cutie too because everytime i saw him, he was surrounded by women that were laughing and fawning over him. but somehow, no matter how many women were nearby, i always managed he lock eyes with him as i'd walk across campus. i asked around and i eventually learned who he was and we worked our ways into eachother's casual circles. i remember how one day we sat in the student center talking and i actually had him laughing until he was nearly crying. it was that day that i learned that he was actually a bit of a nerd. i was smitten. i eventually worked up the nerve to ask him if we could hang and he broke the news to me- he had signed up for the military and he was shipping out shortly. heartbroken, i somehow managed to move on.

i never forgot about marinotti. every now and again i would look around myspace, facebook and google to see if i could find him, but i never did.

today, while in the farmers market with deen and caleb, i walked away to grab a few items. i remember seeing some big ghetto chick in an ugly dress with ugly tats. i glanced at her and walked away. but then, i looked over and i saw a guy eyeballing me, which i really didn't sweat because let's be honest, i am a bit of a hottie and guys eyeballing me happens daily (not that i'm arrogant lol). but then i looked at him again. it was marinotti. and he had a baby carriage with him. his eyes were bloodshot and he looked high. he didn't have that same fresh babyface i remembered. he looked like he'd had a long life. and its only been 8 years.

walking through the farmer's market a bit longer and i realized that the tattooed chick in the ugly dress was there with marinotti. what. the. hell? was this seriously the same dude that had the fliest chicks at gpc hanging on his every word? i try not to think like this because even in all of my arrogance, i know that there are many women that look at me and feel the same way about deen. "he ended up with her?" damn right he did! as i walked through the farmer's market looking for deen and caleb, i thought back on marinotti. what if i'd had worked up the nerve to talk to him sooner? what if i'd made an attempt to stay in touch with him while he was in the military? those were good times a gpc. but times are different now. for all of the couldas, shouldas, and wouldas, i wouldn't change my situation for anything.

i finally found deen bouncing through an aisle as the baby sat up on his shoulders laughing at his silly father. "did you find what you were looking for?" deen asked. i hugged him, smiled, and said "i sure did."

living in a white neighborhood

in my last post i talked a little about the behemoth playground that i took my son to the other day. i took him back today and since he had a nap he was much better behaved. as i turned into the playground i realized that i had to tinkle so i decided to just hold it until i got home. but as walked to the toddler section, i actually saw a RESTROOM. that's right. and i'm not talking about a port-a-potty, i'm talking about an actual brick building. the restroom had a unisex bathroom, a men's bathroom and a women's bathroom. and get this- the bathroom was CLEAN. and it was fully stocked with TOILET TISSUE. none of the tissue was even on the ground. and they had automatic hand driers. GTFOH!!! i don't want to sound and act like i was raised in a cave (although some parts of college park, georgia could be compared to a cave) but when was the last time you saw a huge playground that had its own well maintained brick restroom, with working faucets, a water fountain that works, and a park ranger on duty? this free park had better amenities than half of the apartments i've lived in. there was even an area to skateboard and i didn't go all the way into the park, but i'm sure there's even a neighborhood pool. and needless to say there was no litter on the ground because they had TWO trash cans that appeared to be emptied on a regular basis. this got me to thinking about the what its like living in a white neighborhood. my observations:

* don't even THINK about looking for a jamaican restaurant
* not a wing shack in sight (sigh)
* the police are friendly and wave to you (unless you drive a hoopty, that's when they tail you until you leave or until your tag comes up dirty)
* the gas stations actually have gas and you don't have some dude trying to pump your gas for you despite you telling him no 12 times
* there are no good chinese restaurants. sure there are some chinese restaurants, but no good and greasy ones. i mean the stuff that's so greasy that it slides around on your little white plastic fork. did you know that panda express doesn't even do shrimp friend rice? WTF!
* beauty supply stores (except for sally's) run by asians that are nice and mean as hell at the same time are no where to be found so getting loc butter can be a mission
* people don't barbecue until 4 o'clock in the morning
* the automatic car washes at the gas stations work
* hardly any junk cars because they WILL tow those damned things
* grocery stores have fresh produce and they have a really cool ethnic sections for spices and whatnot
* the grocery stores sell sushi
* you don't have to worry about the police driving through your apartment complex all times of day or night
* there are no soul food restaurants, and if you do find one, the food is so bad its not worth mentioning
*the mcdonald's always puts too little salt on your fries, but the soda always has the right amount of syrup
* no need to be embarrassed by truly ghetto people because they don't live here. HA!!!
* people wave to you for no reason at all
* no ice cream man
* no one walks up to you and asks you if you know who sells weed just because your hair is in locs
* no tacky signs offering to buy foreclosed homes or advertising dna tests on every corner
* there are people that stand on the corner and sell the sunday newspaper so you don't even have to run to the store
* its okay to go to a grocery store and not look your best because the people there aren't trying to date or impress anyone, they just want to buy food and go home
* buses don't run through the neighborhoods, only the main roads (a gift and a curse)
* if your political ideas are a tad radical you can't just start talking to the guy next to you about issues because he's more than likely a tad more conservative than you are
* neighbors and people driving by aren't playing music at all times of day and night
* people don't just hang on the corner until 4 am
* you get tired of running to mcdonald's, taco bell, wendy's or burger king because that's the only thing open at midnight
* i have yet to hear about thefts, violence and break ins at my apartment complex (fingers crossed)
* they hire police officers to direct traffic after church rather than just letting traffic be a mess
* no pan handlers or crackheads to step over as you exit your car
* creepy looking people stand out, rather than blending in
* when i go to the grocery store i don't see one woman with 7 kids yelling at them telling them to put stuff back (instead its a middle aged woman begging her child, timmy, to behave instead of beating his deserving ass)
* no kids on the corner begging for money for football and/or basketball (its sad that its necessary to beg for that money in black neighborhoods)
* if you're a vegetarian there are plenty of restaurants to pick from and the grocery store is very accommodating
* i saw sidewalks on BOTH sides of the street and its even a ways back from the road so you don't have to worry about cars side swiping you if you're on it
* bike trails
* the farmer's market isn't a 2 hour trip away
* they keep their grass maintained
* a play land for kids just opened up the street and i'm actually seeing families go in and come out of there, not just bored teenagers
* no liquor stores, pawn shops, and tattoo parlors on every corner


i also want to add that i live in a predominately black apartment complex, but he area surrounding it is majority white. my complex is surprisingly quiet, not that i'm complaining. we black folks need to get it together so ALL of our neighborhoods are clean, safe and organized.

the best kind of repetition

today i took my son to the playground up the street for the first time since we've lived over here. i'm going to take this time to say that white people have been holding out- this playground had 5 different play areas and even one for small toddlers my son's age. i never saw any nice playgrounds like that when i lived in college park or decatur. to add to the beauty of this mecca of a playground, i saw soccer moms and dads standing by gleefully by as their little cherubs bounced around the playground. and my little negro son showed his ass. in his defense, i knew it was past his naptime, but when we first moved over here it was too cold to go to the playground and its been cold and rainy most days this spring so i wanted to check out this playground since it was finally warm today.

my son happily climbed the playground for the toddlers. he's so big (he's 18-months-old but he's as big as many 2 and 3-year-olds) so i'm always chasing him when he's near kids his own age to make sure he doesn't knock them down. my son can be a bit of a bully when he tries. as a matter of fact the boy headbutted me in the face and as a result of it i've got a huge red knot on my lip. the boy actually chris browns me on the regular.

my son refused to stay in the section for kids his age and i got tired of chasing him down and apologzing to the other parents and their kids for the kids he kept running down. i wanted so badly to reach out and talk to the other parents but everytime i started a conversation with the other moms i had to chase after my child. i left dejected and embarrassed after about 10 minutes.

i called a homegirl and let out my frustrations to her. is it that i haven't worked hard enough to socialize him? will he learn to get along more with kids as he grows older or is there something i'm not doing? and finally, it would all be good if he could just communicate with me. as much as i love my child, i get so irritated feeling that he either doesn't understand what i'm saying or he just doesn't give a damned. is it me? is it him? is this normal? my son is a very happy child and ever since he was a newborn, he's never met a person he didn't like. i love and admire how he's so outgoing and social, but why the hell can't he snap back into the moment when i need him to? my friend said something to me that caught me offgaurd. she said to me- "malika, he's a free spirit. he's just being him. its okay to get him socialized, but he's just one of those kids that's hard to keep down."

wow. i haven't heard the words "free spirit" since middle school. i remember being dubbed a "free spirit" while i was in elementary school. my friend's words reminded me that my son is simply a little me. and i remember how it affected my mother. she always seemed embarassed by me. she, in conjunction with my teachers, always wanted to nail me down and give me more focus. i used to daydream a lot in class and it really didn't stop until middle school. mom didn't really like taking me out. she was proud of my writing ability, but other than that i always felt like she thought i could have and should have been someone or something else. but all i could be was me. people loved me. i've always had the ability to make people laugh and not to toot my own horn, but even as a kid i was able to hold stimulating conversations with adults. i know she loved me. i just don't think she liked what i was. i was a "free spirit." i still wrangle with being a "free spirit" today. i'm graduating from college soon and honestly after 10 years of higher education, i still have no idea what i want to do or be in life. but i like being me. i never really knew how much i've positively affected so many people until i realized that i often walk into clubs, bars, and stores in this city and constantly seeing people i know. sometimes i think to myself that perhaps my sisters will realize what a good person i am when i'm at my funeral and they see how many people came to love me throughout my travels. i guess being a "free spirit" isn't such a bad thing when you can be the sunshine to brighten someone's day. my son is a "free spirit." and that's why i love him as much as i do.

please acknowledge your "situation" before you drag other people in

i posted a blog a while ago about people that are in relationships, but not really. i guess this post could kind of fall into that also. anyway, a homegirl of mine (whom i'll call chauncey) was good friends with our homeboy (whom i'll call terrence). terrence had been trying to get at chauncey for years and she never really let him in because she didn't want to ruin their friendship. terrence had a "situation" with his chick at home, but he pretty much doesn't realize how deep into it he really is. he constantly complained to chauncey about how he doesn't want to to with the chick, he's only living with her because he likes her kids and while he can afford to live alone, he prefers to not have to struugle as much financially while living with her. bullshit, i know. moving on, oneday after an extended sexual drought, chauncey called terrence and told him to roll through. no need for me to elaborate on what happened next.

a couple weeks after the fact, they had barely talked and while trying to play it cool, she was really starting to feel played by him. she knew he had a chick at home and chauncey wasn't trying to marry the dude, they simply had an adult encounter and were only supposed to remain friends afterwards. he eventually manned up and called her and apologized, saying that he still wants to leave his chick, wants to live alone, only there for the kids (even though they have a father that is active in their lives) etc. chauncey is a good one because she's still just trying to focus on the friendship. personally, i would just let old boy slip to the side, but chauncey is far more practical and less emotional than i am.

she later learns that the chick that he's supposedly living with and not sexing at home anymore (so he says) refers to terrence as her "boyfriend" when asked his about his relation to her. chauncey also learned that after terrence took her home from a party when she got sick, his girlfriend sat outside of chauncey's home fuming (either the girlfriend saw it or she heard about it when she showed up late to the party that was across the street from chauncey's).

like i said, i give chauncey props because i would have been beyond pissed at old boy. its not so much that he had a situation at home, its the fact that he misrepresented it. terrence should just face it, he has a GIRLFRIEND. i mean seriously, look at the signs. live together? check! he look after her kids and help raise and pay their expenses? check! spending all holidays and birthdays together? check! is he having to lie (or embellish) to her about his relationship with other women so she doesn't get pissed off? check! and there folks, you have a RELATIONSHIP. its not a bad thing. hell its a great thing. so why get with another woman (his friend of many years no less) and misrepresent what he's got going at home? either he intentionally led chauncey (and who knows how many other women) to believe that he's really a single guy and living there as a roommate, or he is in denial about how deep in he is with this chick. to give him credit, he's a good guy and very family oriented. he was the man of his house growing up and he helped to raise his younger brothers. he was even like a big brother to me and he taught me a lot about relationships. i just don't understand how a man cannot fully see that he's got a girlfriend. why even try to get with someone else? frankly i had to stop trying to date other men because even though i'm free to date and i merely have a "situation," my priorities and my heart are at home and i can't fully give myself to another man. i wish terrence would think about where his heart is before he seriously breaks someone's heart or potentially ruins another friendship.

People That I Wish Would Kill Themselves

I'm a regular on a gossip blog called rhymeswithsnitch.com. On one the the posts, one of the fellow bloggers suggested that we all name someone that we want to just take themself out. Below is what i posted.

i'd like to see cam'ron take himself out (seriously). i want bernie madoff to suffer so i'd like him to spend the rest of his life in jail but i doubt that will happen. but i'd like his wife to kill herself for actually trying to keep those folks money. sarah palin. george bush (both of them). dick cheney. hold on, this list could get long...

...and then there's that teacher that lied on me in high school which landed me the one and only time i ever got in school suspension...

...any cop that ever wrote me a ticket or two for bullshit and then told me that i should be thankful for him not writing me more tickets...

...and that cop that stopped me for no headlight when i was 7 months pregnant and wouldn't let me go to a gas station so i could pee. he had me waiting for a long time to write a damned ticket. i REALLy want that bastard to kill himself...

...that cheap fat alcoholic pill-popping skanky whore that my exboyfriend knocked up...

...that ugly bitch i used to call my best friend that was lying on me and telling every one that i was a slut and that i was a slacker, despite me being in school full time and working two or three jobs at a time. jealous illiterate bitch...

...that broke bastard that was sleeping on my damned couch but had the NERVE to complain that i didn't keep my house as clean as he wanted to see it, although he didn't clean anything himself...

...that old wrinkled non-penis-getting walking disease of a crack whore that i worked for that fired me illegally while i was on maternity leave and then had the nerve to lie on me so i couldn't get unemployment while i had a newborn to take care of...

...any grown woman walking around in velour jumpsuits with words written on their butts. cheap flea market looking mess...

...any woman with decent money that walks around in cheap looking wigs. and this includes YOU whitney houston...

...folks that are famous for having friends and relatives more famous, rich, talented, and relavent than themselves. note to ray j: SLIT. YOUR. WRIST!...

...grown people that want to blame the world and "the man" for the reason they can't go to college and work hard like the rest of us so they rob, rape and pillage our own communities. die, Die, DIE!!!...

...that dude that broke into my house (we knew who it was) had the gall to show up on my doorstep and say "i heard you think i broke into your house" and then had his ignorant ass walking down the street in MY damned clothes...

...that selfish chick, octomom. kids aren't puppies, they're living breathing human beings and you shouldn't bring them into the world knowing your ass is living off your damned parents and welfare. i also want dr. phil to kill himself for getting this crazy cunt a new house and getting it furnished for her. crazy ass had the nerve to not help her mom pay bills but paid for plastic surgery to look like angelina jolie while the house looks a damned mess. give me a minute alone with her to undo that plastic surgery...

...that bucktooth, four-eyed, horse-faced pimply bitch with the bad perm that was pissed because she was nothing more than a booty call for my son's father back in the day. yeah bitch, he's STILL paying my bills. lonely broke heffa...

...all of those negative people that told me that i couldn't, shouldn't and wouldn't get a college degree. jealous crab in a barrel mofos...

...all of those people that took four college classes 6 years ago and act like that makes them a freaking genuis. i get so sick of folks saying "when i took that biology class 8 years ago, i was the smartest person in there." like that matters now. that's about as pathetic as old men that focus on their glory days of running track in high school. why don't you just brag about some other irrelevant things like your s.a.t. scores?...

...men that drop off diapers once or twice a year and show up at a few birthday parties, and suddenly want to act like they're father of the year...

...men that will lay with a woman either for a time or for a night, and then since they don't want the responsibility of a child they will shout "that ain't my baby!" and the trife new girlfriends that let them believe that shit and walk away from their kid(s). both them niggas need to hang themselves- old dude and his insecure new chick...

......any woman that will put some shiftless broke dude OR some rich cat that's paying bills, over raising her own kids. no penis is worth losing a relationship with your kids. new penis will get up and leave you before your own children will...

...anyone that thinks cam'ron is intelligent, interesting, funny or talented...

...co-workers that tried to lie on me and blame me when their stuff started to stink. i may not brown nose the way they did, but i kept my job just the same...

...ok, ALL effed up coworkers that try to blame other folks for their failures in the workplace...

...all of those goddamn shrinks, doctors, and nazis that changed up the rules so that anybody that tries to discipline their kids in public catches a damned case. you can't even spank your kids for acting up, but you're expected to teach them to be angels. whatever, i'll STILL lay hands to my son when i need to...

...folks that think the world is their child's playground so they let their kids show out in public and expect other folks to put up with it. for those that don't know- movie theaters, shopping malls, and nice restaurants aren't the same as the goddamned chuckie cheese...

...people that get off on breaking other folks' hearts just because they're insecure and need validation of how "great" they are...

...folks that think that just because they're rich and/or famous they can treat other folks that aren't rich and/or famous like dirt. saying "do you know who i am?!" only proves what a doucebag you really are. everyone deserves respect, no matter how special you like to think you are...

...folks that gladly allowed bush 8 long years to eff the country up, but in less than 100 days, they've been up obama's butt saying what a screw up he is...

...every exboyfriend i've had that treated me like dirt while we were together but then had the nerve to call me later telling me that i was the perfect woman and they'll never find another woman like me. i tried to tell your trifling asses that while we were dating...

...crooked ass cops that think they have a right to harass, injure, and kill folks because they're on a fucked up power trip...

...and that concludes my list of people i want to kill themselves.

*did i leave out anyone?*

the emotional investment

well, as most of my faithful readers know, my son's father and i have been through a lot for the last 2 and a half years. its strange, but despite it all (him messing around, and the whole bit) we're actually common law married. wow. i feel married to him. i don't know how or why, but i do. i have a friend that lives with her child's father in a situation similar to me and mine. she and i hung out yesterday and as we often do, we compared notes about our "baby daddies." she's ready to head out from her situation and move out with her child(even though she loves him with all of her heart). me ready to move out and on? not so much.

at times i say to myself that i can't wait to get away from my dude, just me and our child and move on with my life. but then reality kicks in. he's in school. he's a hard worker. he's a great cook. he's a fantastic father. because of him, i know what love is and how it really feels. he's taught me what unconditional love is. and despite what he'd say, i know that i've taught him about responsibility to his family and i've helped him to become a great father. so why the hell should i walk away from this? in a few years this man is going to get out of school and make a fairly good amount of money. and being that this is my last semester of school, i'll (hopefully) be making a decent amount of money myself. so imagine if we combine forces? i know that sounds kind of gold diggerish, but i've loved him since our first kiss on our first date and at the time i didn't know a damned thing about his future earning potential. i even remember how the first time we slept together, it was the first time in forever that i'd felt that someone was making love to me, not just fucking. his future income potential didn't come out until later to me and between that and us having a child together, i don't see why we shouldn't stick with eachother for the greater good.

i often drive through nice neighborhoods and think to myself, i want THAT house. i want my crib with the pool table and exercise equipment in the basement. dude is going to be an engineer (that's what he's in school for) and with decent income he can afford to give me and future children the kind of life i'd like for us. i want more children, and frankly i want them with him. but i know how much his life was derailed when i got pregnant and i'd hate to get pregnant again, knowing that his personal and professional goals would only get pushed back that much more. i want my son to have a relationship with his (future) siblings that i wish i'd had with mine. i want my children to play little league, and play instruments, and go to summer camp and all of that costs money. i want to go on family vacations with the man i'll share my life with. and i don't want my kids to have different daddies. i want one daddy for them. i don't really think that my son's father wants kids with different women either, and he wants more children also (just further in the future than i want).

my big fear is really that he and i would separate and some skeezer would move in on him and get the nice house and the children and the life with him that i've really earned. its probably an immature way to look at it, but frankly, i've put in WORK. before getting with him, i was with my ex for 10 years and i drove him around to and from work and school and i took A LOT of shit off of him. and in the end he allowed his skanky baby mom to step in and tell a bunch of lies on me and the low life bum that i hauled ass for 10 years for, wasn't even man enough to have a civil conversation with me to end things. that sorry bastard would only text me. 10 years of loving him more than i loved myself and all i got was text messages in return. i'm not planning to once again lose the man i've put so much in to, to some outside chick with a decent smile and a big ass.

re-entering the dating game scares me. i know that there are men that are far better than my son's father. but frankly there are more men that are far worse. i guess its safe to say that i love my son's father (although i'm not IN love with him), warts and all. a friend of mine met him recently and she commented that despite him being handsome and mannerable, she could tell that his good guy image is really just a fascade. and she's right. i love his public persona and i love the asshole that's underneath what the world sees. i don't want some woman that hasn't dealt with what i've dealt with to think that she's got a right to the life with him that i feel i'm entitled to. i know it's childish, but after the emotional investment that i put into my ex, i can't dare put that into someone else only to be left high and dry again. the funny thing is that on other days i say i can't wait to move out and leave this asshole by himself with all of his chicks. most of the chicks he's dealt with would have left him a long time ago if they'd dealt with half the shit i've seen. is it low self esteem? hardly. I LOVE MYSELF. i don't want to grow old alone. is that a crime? i think if i do end up alone or with another man, i want to be the one that makes that call and not him. i guess that could be called unfair, but so what. i've invested lot into this man, our relationship, our child and our family, and right now intend to stick around for my return.

My Open Letter to Tevin Campbell

Dear Tevin,

I almost believed that practical joke you set up. I wondered why the police would be knocking at my door, but once I saw that "restraining order" you'd sent, all I could say is, "Tevin is so silly. He must really like jokes. I wonder how much he paid some pretend lawyer and off-duty uniformed police officer to come to my door and order me to stay at least 1000 feet from him and to quit sending him letters with my toe hairs taped to them." That pretend restraining order also said something about no longer needing to send you dead skin from my hands. Boy Tevin, I almost believed you. But then it occured to me that you've got a silly sense of humor so that restraining order was just a joke for me to laugh hysterically at and then ignore. So anyway, how are things? Good I hope. I read in a few gossip mags that you were actually gay *GASP* but then I knew they were just jealous because you're so talented (we all know you're going to make a HUGE comeback sometime soon) so I feel totally justified for throwing acid on that chick's face. She'll think again the next time she wants to write in her column that you're a "flaming homosexual." Did you get the pie that I sent to you? I hope so. When my cat died (Tevin Campbell the Cat IV) I was so crushed that I couldn't bring myself to bury her so she was in my freezer. I figured that you'd love that pie even more once I put the shavings from my dead frozen cat in it. I hope you tour soon. I sleep with you every night. Not literally you of course, but naming my vibrator Tevin Campbell sure makes my nights that much better. I even drew a picture of you on it. I couldn't decide which hairstyle to put on it so I just drew in the processed texturized afro that you had in the "Always in My Heart" video. I even periodically spray activator on the dildo just to keep your drawn on Duke kit afro looking lustrious (it burns like hell when in use but as long as my Tevin Campbell dildo looks good, I'm happy!) Hey Tevin, I read that you're now in the play Rent on Broadway. How awesome is that! I plan to come see you there soon, I just have to see if I can get my therapist to tell my probation officer to okay me going across state lines. Boy Tevin, you love this cat and mouse game don't you? You're so silly. I know this is just a test for you to see if I'm willing to work to gain your affections. Trust me Tevin, I'll do WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR US TO BE TOGETHER. Speaking of my therapist, he seems to think that I have an "unhealthy" interest in you. I can't figure out why he'd think that. I named all 14 of my cats after you. How is that unhealthy? Don't you worry though. I promised myself that if he says anything else bad about you I'm going to set him on fire. I'm just kidding of course (no I'm not- I already put the lighter fluid and matches in my car for the next time we meet tomorrow). Anyway Tevin, I guess I'll wrap up my letter now. One of the Tevin Campbell cats is rubbing up against my leg to signal that it wants to go out. I also have to start cooking dinner for the cats. They get kind of antsy if I don't have their dinner cooked by 4 p.m. Oh before I go Tevin, I meant to tell you that I had that cute dream about us being married and having a child. And do you know what I'd name that child, dear Tevin? Her name would be Tasmine Elan Vivian Ingrid Naomi Campbell. The initials of her first and middle names are the initials of your first name and then she's got your last name. How sweet is that?! I'm going to run the name by my therapist to see what he thinks. He'd BETTER say he likes it.

Smootchies Tevin,

Malika Campbell

p.s. Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you that I changed my last name to Campbell so that once we get married, I won't have to deal with the paperwork of changing it then! You know we're getting married RIGHT?

chris brown, i'm in your corner

i'm gonna sound really anti-women here, but this thing with chris brown has me really feeling bad for the guy. he and rihanna got into it a couple of days ago, she got a little bruising (and for the record, so did he) and the police got called. so now chris brown looks like senor douchebag, while rihanna looks like the poor little victim. for the record, i don't think they got into a fight, nor do i think he punched her or anything. i think that words were exchanged and she knew exactly what to say or do to make him lose his cool. i'm not going to speculate on who hit who first, because either way its not cool. but here's how i think it happened:
1) they were in the car when they started arguing
2) some how or another, they started shoving and yelling (not punching though)
3) he realizes that people are around and it looks bad for him so he leaves the scene
4) people in the vicinity see her looking red and bruised (she is light as hell) so they call the police
5) she talks to the police because she's mad as hell and she's like "hell yeah he did it! go get him! i'll testify!"
6) the next day she realized that they were BOTH at fault and that pressing charges would be more trouble than it was worth
now if you look at the situation like that (and according to reports, that's exactly how it happened) chris isn't a bad guy, they are just two people that lost their cool. but i really hate that in these kinds of situations, the men are depicted as abusive dicks, when many times that isn't the case. i guess i can speak from experience because i've not only witnessed it, i've done it. my older sister is a sick motherfucker that gets her shits and giggles by making people lose their cool. that's part of the reason she and i don't speak and i've made the decision to cut her out of my life. i've seen her pick and pull and call people everything she could think of. she thinks its cute. all of the dudes that eventually left her crazy ass alone agree that she's a one way ticket to jail. at least she's woman enough to admit that she starts the fights, but in the eyes of the public she'd still look like the victim. she once hit her ex in the face and separated his jaw. now if he lost his mind and slapped her ass, is he really in the wrong? me thinks not.
now for my own confession. deen and i have had physical altercations. i try to be pretty cool and walk away, but deen has a way of saying the ONE THING that can make me cut loose and wail on his ass. we've both walked away bloody at times. most of the times, i've hit him first. its not something i'm proud of. nor is he. many of my homegirls say "leave him!" but i know that he doesn't come home and hit me or anything like that. many disagreements are held amicably, while others escalate.
i agree that any man that beats his woman because he thinks he has the right to do so should have his balls removed. but in those cases, not all women are victims and not ALL men are villains.

revenge is sweet a.k.a. if i won the lottery

those of you that know me find that i'm sweet and easy going. those of you that know me WELL will say that i'm vengeful as hell. frankly, both sets of people would be right. i've taken some real hits in my life doing stuff for other people. i'm the chick that would wake up at 4 a.m. to go get a stranded friend off the side of the road. i'm the girl that would give the last $20 in my pocket to a friend that needed groceries for herself and her kids. i'm the friend that someone can call when she gets pregnant and she doesn't know what to do. i'm the friend that will remind you that you're beautiful, no matter what your bitter ass ex says.

with all of that said, i should state that i am probably one of the most vengeful women i know. i am willing to spend the rest of my life waiting to do harm to someone that has done wrong to me. some people see others acting in a vengeful way and they think its foolish. i see people acting in a vengeful way and all i can think is "that person probably had that bag full of dog poo coming." one of the reasons that i grew to become as vengeful as i am is because over and over again, people have taken my kindness for weakness. while i was pregnant, a former friend of mine fell on hard times and he needed somewhere to stay so i let him sleep on my couch. at the time i had a few extra dollars, so when my friend asked to borrow $200 to put down a deposit on an apartment, i gave it to him. so imagine my surprise when about 4 months later when i was pregnant and broke to the point that i was unable to afford food, when i asked dude about the $200, he gave me his ass to kiss. when he was broke and on my couch and eating my food, i was his best friend. once i was at my lowest, dude acted like i didn't even matter. what made me REALLY hate that cat was that he had the gall to tell my homegirl that he had the bread to pay me back, he simply didn't "feel like it." he paid back $100, but i had to stalk him for that. i even suggested that he give me $20 each time he got paid on every friday, but he wouldn't even do that so i could buy some vegetables. i was pregnant and diabetic and that sonuvabitch didn't even care about the life of my unborn child enough to help pay me back so that i could buy groceries. to be fair, another time i lent some money to another friend of mine and money for him never picked back up, so i forgot about the money. i know that he needed it badly at the time and when i was pregnant if he had the money to give to me, he would have done it quickly. for him, i consider the loan forgotten. i have since decided that i'm not going to lend out any more money. but how do i feel about the fat fucker that refused to pay me money that he easily could have? i am not lying when i tell you that if i heard he was stabbed in the streets tomorrow, i would laugh haughtily at the universe giving him exactly what he deserved. yeah, that's how i do.

recently i saw one of the deepest and most thoughtful forms of revenge i may have ever seen. its the clip of fiddy cent taking rick ross' baby mama out and getting her to talk shit about her baby daddy, rapper, rick ross.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHPUN0YeuuY

now this is in-freaking-genius. i'm not even a fiddy cent fan, but dammit, this man is not to be screwed with. it started when rick ross started talking bad about the drama that fiddy was having with his baby mama. so to show rick that he meant business, fiddy went straight to the horse's mouth- rick ross' baby mama. she actually sat down and (on tape!) admitted that the jewelry rick ross wears is rented and the cars he rolls in are leased. so to show how big he's rolling, fiddy took rick's babymama shopping for pure bullshit. what's a chick that lives in florida going to do with a fur coat? yet fiddy had the cash to drop while rick is only renting the finer thing in life. now for those that don't understand in terms of loyalty, baby mamas/daddies are right up under wives/husbands. what fiddy did is wrong. purely wrong. but dammit, that man is GOOD. did you notice that she was drinking vitamin water, the drink that helped make fiddy rich beyond belief? CLASSIC.

fiddy's form of vengeance reminds me a lot of what i plan to do if i ever hit the lotto. now i should say first that my plan is for all of my friends that have children, give them some cash and then set up some trust funds for the youngins. i'd also buy deen's aunt a house (actually, i'd have one built for her). i would also take my loved ones on an all expense paid carnival cruise. i'd rent the whole boat out. but there would be another crew of people i'd take. i'd take the closest family members and friends of all my enemies i could find. i'd pay for absolutely EVERYTHING. entertainment, food, alcohol, strippers, drugs, that cruise ship would be a floating sodom and gomorrah. yeah, we'd probably all go straight to hell, but a week of being on that cruise ship would be well worth eternal damnation. and the best part of it would be that i'd be staring in the eyes of my enemies' mama and 'nem the whole time. i even asked myself, about the possiblity of the family members not being able to afford to take a week off of work for the sin cruise. i'd simply pay them double whatever they would have made at work that week. so basically i'd be paying them to come on vacation with me and have a ball. and the only thing i'd ask of them is that they take plenty of pictures with me while we laugh and have a good time. and for the rest of my enemies' lives i'd periodically mail them pictures of me laughing it up in the middle of the pacific ocean, surrounded by sin, having a ball with the people they love the most. i would even hire a personal assistant to make sure that i am implanting myself in the lives of my enemies when i'm not even thinking about it. and just be sure that i'm implanted in their lives, i'd mail checks and pay bills for that family member. can you imagine your mother suddenly loving the person you hate the most because they went on vacation and they paid off your mom's house? and you can tell yourself that your mother wouldn't go on vacation with your nemesis, but let's be real. of course she'd go. her thought would be that she's had a long hard life and if someone wants to treat her nice, she'd let them. but in case i couldn't crack their mother, i'd go after brothers, sisters, fathers, anyone that should be loyal. people that they'll most likely have to stare at for every christmas and thanksgiving until they're dead. yep, i plan to make my mark.

and that is why the universe will never be kind enough to let me win the lottery.