Meetings

Life is odd and beautiful. I knew I'd be embarking on a journey, but I had no clue it would lead me here. I've met so many people in the last few months, that I almost have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. So yeah, I'm still at Clark Atlanta University. I tried to transfer to Georgia State University and I was a tad butt hurt when they declined my application. By that point I'd already done 6 classes at CAU, so I knew there was no option but to stay the course.

So yeah, I'm still with Ted. If you want to say "with." I'll say we're still close and he's still my heart. But for some reason I prefer to keep my thoughts on our relationship as casual. I do love him. But since we both know there's no wedding bells any time soon, we're careful to not go have titles and all of that. I know who he is, he knows who I am. My close friends are aware of who he is. The only thing is that he works at a college near my college's campus and some of my classmates and colleagues know him, so I make it a point to not make our relationship known to them. Not that we have a "relationship" anyway.

Next, last summer, I FINALLY achieved my dream of meeting Tevin Campbell. It was absolutely unreal. He was humble, funny, charming, cute, all of that. Naturally I got a pic.

I spent the next week on cloud 9 after that happened. But shortly thereafter, I had to get my head back in the game. This was early August and school started school and I needed an intern site. The one I'd had previously been selected for told me that they couldn't take me after all. I went into action, looking through my school's catalog for one that would be close in proximity to my home or school. I called a few and sent out a few applications. Nothing. Eventually I found one that was near campus and headed by the family of a local Civil Rights Movement hero. I can't really say names just yet because there are unfortunately a few people that stay trying to throw salt into my success, but let's just say that this position was big. I went in for the interview and nailed it!

With this particular position, I work at one of Atlanta's worst alternative schools, along with meetings with some of Atlanta's biggest heavy hitters. I'm still floored at the opportunity this has afforded me. Such as this awkward pic of me at an incredible moment.

I was able to attend dinner with Ambassador Andrew Young, and even personally ask him about some of my career and educational options. Freaking priceless! Plus I'm scheduled to be part of a major political unveiling on Monday. I remember a few years back that I'd decided that I wanted and needed to be a tad more politically tuned in. I didn't know how it would happen. I thought I'd start attending city council meetings, but my schedule never allowed it. Yet slowly, I'm building a name and connections to major players. All by being patient and persistent. I'm letting go of people that don't mean any good for me. And by doing that I'm opening my door to the opportunities to get me where I'm trying to go!

Malika

Revisionist History

I had lunch with a friend earlier today. During our time together, he'd told me that he'd started writing about his life and out of respect, he allowed his mother to see what he'd written so far. He said how she was bothered by his story and felt that he didn't do enough to paint her in a positive light. Essentially, she wanted him to rewrite history, rather than to acknowledge her faults as a mother. My friend respects his mother, but at the same time, he had to remind her that she wasn't Claire Huxtable and he shouldn't be charged with making up stories to make her look or feel good. I told my friend that I completely understand and that was a large part of why I never attended my undergraduate graduation. Truthfully, I felt that neither of my parents did much to help me as a I struggled to get that degree and I refused to allow them a platform to puff out their chests and boasts about my accomplishment. So I stayed home and didn't mention the graduation to either of them until the ceremony had passed.

Later on, I went with my best friend Sky to the mall. As always, we made a lot of noise and I enjoyed embarrassing him. While there, he ran into a female I'll call Amber. Amber looked up at him and quickly hugged him. I recognized Amber and reached in to hug her, until she put up her arm and told me that she wasn't dealing with me after my birthday celebration. Er? I'll tell you a bit of how I came to know Amber.

About 10 years ago, I was in San Diego with my younger sibling, when she introduced me to Amber. Amber told me that she'd considered moving to Atlanta, and I told her that whenever she decided to move, she could come on out and crash with me. Fast forward about 3 months later, she calls me out of nowhere and says that she hopes to come to Atlanta within a couple of months. I told her that sounded swell. A few weeks after that phone call, she told me that she planned to move out in a few weeks. At that moment I was a tad hesitant. By that particular point, I'd just gotten rid of a sycophant who was sleeping on my couch and I was dealing with my breakup from David. I really just needed to be alone and deal with what I was going through. A few days later I got a call that she was 20 minutes outside of Atlanta and needed my address. HUH?! I couldn't. I sure as hell didn't want to. I needed to be alone. I was trying to balance work, school, and my emotions. Taking in a new individual at that point in time wasn't something I wanted or needed. But nevertheless, there she was with nothing but the clothes on her back. She had no job, no friends, no money and no family in the city. I was it. So despite it all, I let her stay.

Time went on and Amber and I became really close. She was around in part during my pregnancy and I introduced her to lots of people and helped her get to know the party scene. The roommate she moved in with later on was because I introduced them.

So here we are, in the middle of the mall, and she accused me of being fake the last time I'd seen her. Thinking back, when she came over for my birthday, she brought friends. They arrived, I offered them drinks and food, you know, normal host shit. Everyone in her party seemed to be enjoying themselves with their guests, so I left them alone the whole night, but after checking to make sure that all was well. So what the hell was old girl talking about?

I assured her that had no problems with her and assumed all was well. Sky assured her that if I'd had problems with her, he'd have known it before anyone else (true). I asked her why she didn't bring it to my attention then and she claimed that she didn't want to ruin my birthday. I asked why she didn't mention it later on, and she said that she didn't want to bother with it anymore. What the hell? I even apologized if she felt that my behavior was off (even though it wasn't) and promised her we were cool. Then the bitch threw in some shit about me not getting along with my sister and said that was obviously why. I'll say this- I happen to be dealing with tooth pain and lockjaw at the moment. And perhaps if I weren't focused on the fact that it now takes me an hour to eat a small salad, I may have been more willing to neck punch her for that comment.

I was livid. She walked away as if she checked me. That bitch had some damned nerve. She showed up at my front door, during a really hard time in my life, on a wing and a prayer, and I took her in, fed her, introduced her to people and essentially created a home for her as she went through her divorce and THIS was the attitude she threw. WHAT THE HELL?! I thought back to her admitting to me that she'd been diagnosed with anxiety a few months back and that she felt that my cousin didn't want her at his home last Christmas and I had to assure her that it was all in her head. So I tried to give her a pass based on the anxiety issue. But the level of disrespect that she just showed me for no reason at all was some next level bull.

For me to bend over backwards to look out for her and be accused of being "fake" and then not even allow me the chance to explain myself or apologize really rubbed me the wrong way. The same person who came at me sideways today is the same woman who would laugh with me about how crazy it was to land on my doorstep when and how she did. She'd always said how much she understands how much it took for me to let her in when she was a virtual stranger and felt that act was a testament to who and what I am as a person.

So what exactly was today? Was I seriously talked down to and accused of being fake for no real reason at all? So history means nothing. She somehow completely rewrote my display of who I am and how I am. I let her stay with me for months out of the blue, but when she's invited to my home to celebrate my birthday, I supposedly blow her off. Damn. Folks really do forget, don't they?

Desertion

I'm well known to be a lover. I love hard, I love fast, and I love long. I think that my ability and willingness to love as much as I do is a part of what makes me great. I've loved and known some incredible people in my day and I relish our bonds, as the many people I've come across hold special places in my heart. The loss of my cousin Tracey when I was 17 left the impression on me of how important it is to tell people that they're loved while they're here.

Even after a blowup, I'll admit to typically being willing to go above and beyond to keep things kosher. I don't like hostility or awkwardness from my squad. I'm a lover first and that's the position I'd prefer to play.

Fred, my flame, my friend, my lover, my companion. He up and disappeared on me several months ago. He visited in the winter, but then he just disappeared. Poof. Nothing. No phone call, no text message, no Facebook inbox, nothing, he just stopped coming around. At first I was worried. Was he in a hospital? Jail? Was he hurt, did he lose his phone? Where was he? I needed answers. It wasn't like him to just up and leave, especially after all we'd been through together. I reached out to a mutual friend, who it turned out had been in touch with Fred the whole time. Wow. Like that, huh?

Don't get me wrong, I understand that sometimes people need to cleanse and be alone. Sometimes you need reflection and to think out your worries. But I didn't deserve at the very least a heads up? I remember while with my ex, he and I discussed marriage. I'd shared with Fred my plans and Fred asked if he'd get an invite. I told him that based on our history, having him at the wedding wasn't a good idea. His response was "after everything we've been through?" That response was what rang out in my mind as he left. "After everything we've been through?"

Fred and I shared so many times together. I recall one particular night where we'd met up, while I still lived with my son's father. Despite living with my ex, Fred certainly possessed a piece of my soul. That particular night, we went to Fellini's Pizza on Ponce de Leon Avenue. And for some particular night, that night was more special than most. We sat there, staring into each other's eyes. He confessed some of his insecurities, which I'd never known he'd had. We stayed there for about 3 hours, talking. I remember how much I wanted to stay there in that moment forever with him, while a small part of me feared someone that knew my ex walking in and catching me, since the pizza spot was only a few miles from home. I came home at 4 a.m. and my ex asked where I was. I quickly lied that I'd had pizza with friends. When he pointed out that it was 2 hours after the pizza place closed, I told him that we sat afterward talking. Which was technically true...

After that, my last physical encounter with Fred was when we got a hotel room together. That night was magical. I actually still have the key card from the hotel still in my wallet, 4 years later.

Fred came to see me in February. When I took him back to the bus stop, I cried my eyes out. We'd spent the last 3 days together, but I was again letting go of one of the great loves of my life. The other being my ex, David. He thought I was being nuts (guilty) but he knew what he meant to me, because I'd always shown it. And two weeks after he went back to L.A., he disappeared.

It was a process to let him go. I cried. I questioned. I theorized. What went wrong? What did I do? How could I fix it if he didn't tell me what the problem was? My mind constantly wandered back to Fellini's. That night and how we stared in each other's eyes and talked about the future. *POOF* Gone.

Today, while sitting next to my best friend, I got a call from a strange number. I assumed it to be a bill collector or stupid telemarketer. I heard a voice "Malika?" "Yeah? Who is this?" "Its Fred." What? How? Huh? A flood of emotions ran through me. All I managed to say was "I didn't expect to hear from you." He said, "I know you didn't." "Where were you?" I wish I could have managed some kind of emotion, but truth be told, I was shocked. The mutual friend that Fred and I share tried to update me on his dealings recently and I told my friend point blank that I had to kill Fred off in my mind. Although I unfriended him on Facebook, I did still occasionally check his page. But still, I didn't want or need updates. I needed him to cease so I could feel better about moving on without him.

Coincidentally, I'd tried to call him a few times last week, but his phone was off. So I guess he'd been thinking of me as I'd been thinking of him. While he was here, he accidentally left a pair of socks behind. I meant to send them to him and he sent me his address to do so (before he ghosted me). I wanted badly to throw his socks away, but I couldn't. I guess although I'd killed him off in my head, a small part of me cared too much to throw them away. He told me that he'd never forgotten about me and that he prayed for me all through his absence. He said that he didn't intend for his absence to be so long and that truthfully there was some guilt for being gone for so long. We spoke and caught up for about 20 minutes. Throughout the whole conversation, I didn't have much emotion. I didn't know how to feel.

A few minutes after we'd gotten off the phone, I started to sort through my emotions. I realized that the reason I was so dry while on the phone with him was because I really did kill him off. All of the warm, fuzzy emotions I'd tied to our time together I'd had to work hard to erase. And I did. So when he appeared out of no where, the woman who loved him wasn't home.

Today, a particularly rainy day, I had to make a run to the store, and only in my car, as the rain pelted, did I allow myself to unleash the tears I'd been holding onto. I'm not sure what will happen. I'm not even sure if I'm glad he's back. Not that I want him gone again. Not that I want him to leave again either. So I'm torn. I guess as always, I'll let time sort this out.

Today

I try not to write things when I'm in a crappy mood, but my happiness bubble has burst, at least for now. A family member I used to be super tight with has inserted himself into a situation that he is ignorant on, then had the nerve to act as though my opinion of my experience is invalid. It hurt like hell and truth be told, I'm not sure if our relationship will ever be the same way again.

On top of that, I need to find a place to intern for my school and I mean like NOW. Plus I'm unemployed. More than anything I need a paid internship. Don't get me wrong, there are jobs in the pipeline, I just need them to happen soon, and they will. My best friend made a very good point when she said that I have a way of making miracles happen. She's right, cuz I swear, I'm not supposed to be standing, let alone smiling while I do it. But right now, I'm feeling pressured to make things happen. But on a good note, my son is healthy, my friends are all doing well, Ted is still a presence, and this flipping heat should be lifting soon. Two more years of graduate school.

So I just decided that today is going to be my last day feeling sorry for myself. This pity party mess ain't my bag. I'm a doer, not a whiner. On a good note, when I feel like crap, the people around me notice, and they check in on me. And that's a blessing in and of itself. So anyway, I'm off to find an internship site (that'll hopefully pay me) and/or a job.

Malika

On Enjoying Bachelorettehood

I've had a total of two conversations today about how I should change my life, settle down, I'll never find a good man as long as I continue to blah blah blah. The funny thing is that the only people that feel it necessary to wag their finger at me and my "whorish" lifestyle is men. Grown women get it and they either applaud or remain apathetic about my desire to be free. But men... men seem to have a hard time grasping an attractive woman who chooses to play the field rather than settle down.

Perhaps it is because I defy the stereotype of women that are considered sexually liberated. Those women are thought to be either ugly, stupid, incapable of a good conversation, bogged down with several children or emotionally or mentally inept. And not to toot my own horn, but I'm neither of those things. I'm funny and outgoing with a great personality, considered attractive (as observed by the fact I'm frequently hit on), I'm educated, and fairly independent overall. So the question remains, why would a woman who would make a great wife choose to be single when so many men want her? Wouldn't marriage be the ultimate prize?

For me, no it is not. I went from feeling that I absolutely never wanted to be married to instead feeling that I'll only get married if the situation is absolutely perfect for me. And nothing less. I really don't even want a serious relationship simply because serious relationships indicate that two people are together with the eventual intention of marriage- and marriage is not a goal of mine. So here I sit. I think I'm okay with the whole idea of being single in part because it is so easy for me to meet new men to chill with temporarily. To be quite honest, things are going well with Ted. He lives alone, he lives his life and I live mine. I think about him frequently and we text often. And I'm crazy about him. And as it stands, I have no desire to fall any deeper into a relationship with him. I could keep things going with him like this for years and if all goes well, I probably will.

It's so frustrating to me that men feel it necessary to tell me how one of them would improve my life somehow. Do they tell their guy friends how much they need a wife? I highly doubt it. So why am I supposedly suffering over here? What they don't understand is that the same benefits that men enjoy from being bachelors, I enjoy as well. If I find someone that I have amazing chemistry with, I can feel free to go home with that person and fuck their brains out. I don't have to worry about lying or cheating because no one claims me, nor I, them. I can do the things that I enjoy, such as bars and clubs, and again, I don't owe anyone an explanation. I can feel free to casually date or focus on any one person as much as I want. A romantic weekend can happen with any one or several men at any given moment. My bills are in my own name and I spend my money on what I want to spend it on.

To be fair, I let men know up front that I have no intention of getting with them seriously. Not that I automatically drop panty for every man I meet, but even in passing, I let it be known that I have no desire to get married, nor any for additional children. And like all things, nothing is certain (except for my lack of desire to procreate again). Some of them appreciate my honesty and tell me that they too don't want to date too heavily either, while others thank me for my time and leave because they clearly want a wife and/or a woman that is willing to have another child. I have no problem with the men that tell me that my lack of desire for commitment is a deterrent because I'd rather not spend time with a man who will question my whereabouts (none of your business) or eventually ask when I plan to settle down and have his baby (never). 

Perhaps its fear or even past "damage" as one male friend put it, but whatever it is, I love it. I'm in love with my life and myself in a way that I've never been before. There is no man weighing me down nor making me question myself and my abilities. I've wasted many years of my life with the wrong men and I've seen what holding on to the wrong man can get you. Not a goddamn thing. No growth. No happiness. No support. No goals. No smiles. Nothing. So here I sit. Alone, making myself happy in a way that no man ever has. Who knows, maybe I'll get married one day. But to be honest, only if I find a man that makes my life even more awesome than it already is. And I'll be honest here, my life is pretty kick ass as it is.

Malika

Pushing Forward

So I touched a bit last time around on a few updates in my life. Like always, summer is the time I plan for major adventures in my life. Since I've been blessed with less work on my plate, I'm able to take care of me in a way I haven't been able to in years. I'm looking forward to getting more work done, and getting to do what makes me happy again. I've got 4 projects to work on, including 2 articles, one about my good friend Hashim who was the victim of an attempted car jacking, and another about Frank Barham, a wonderful spirit who lost his life while trying to raise awareness and money for people with disabilities.

While I'm just as raunchy as it pertains to my sex life, I've decided it best to dial it back on some of the details of who and what I'm doing. I'm still casually dating Ted (5 months strong, which for me, means its going strong) but I continue to date other people as well. I'm glad that Ted and I have such an arrangement and I'm very close to him. But me being me, I still desire to spend time with other men. My latest is a well-known local musician. Because Atlanta is so freaking small, I can't say much, but he's definitely in my sights. A friend of mine commented that in terms of men I've certainly upgraded as the years went on and I certainly agree.

Crazy, as I was out walking the dog, I had a ton of things to blog about today. But suddenly my mind is blank. So yeah, shit rocks.

Malika

Life As I Know It

So yeah, its been a minute. I'm not even going to harp on the fact that its been nearly a year since I last wrote. Plenty of things looking up for me and it amazes me how I'm more at peace the more every day comes and goes. Still in grad school, but I decided to transfer to Georgia State from Clark Atlanta University. My 3 semester stint at an HBCU has been a trip and I've managed to leave with a 3.83 gpa, but still, time to move on.

Last year I helped a man that ran for Fulton County Commissioner as the Republican candidate (no judgement zone!), Earl Cooper. I learned a lot working with Earl and decided that as a career I'd like to work a lot more in lobbying and legislation. Part of that decision also came from my policy class at CAU. Taking the class and immediately after working on the campaign showed me so much about the political process. The fact that I was good friends with Earl's campaign manager, Ian, helped a lot also. It saddens me to know that Earl lost, but I learned so much from my time with him and made a few connections. I was even at the Governor's victory party. I'm pretty comfortable wherever I go, but being in a room full of conservative blue bloods is not for the weak at heart.

I was absolutely devastated after his loss, but in a way, it was a good thing to happen for me. It showed me how much hustle, support, media and money is really needed to run a grassroots campaign.

On a dating front, the man I currently fancy is an admin at one of the schools at the Atlanta University Center. I'm not going to say his name, but I'll call him Ted. One of the things I love about Ted is our desire not to get married. We simply chill and enjoy one another's company. Neither of us want children either. Truthfully, I'm dating around, but Ted and I have that agreement so it makes my life easy. He and I stated that we have no desire to "cheat" on one another or lie about whatever we do when the other isn't watching, so again, my life is easy on that end.

Some recent changes have made it a lot easier for me to get back into writing, which I sorely missed. I want to get back to being more of a creative force overall. Peace is EPIC and it is mine.

Ciao.

Pulling It All Together

So I've had to lay low on the things I've been working on, but things are going so well. A chance encounter with a man who is politically tuned in in February has led to an incredible opportunity for me. I've been meeting new people and getting to take advantage of my degree in media in ways that I did not know I'd be able to do. If things go well (and based on the research, it should) there will first be a BANGING ass party, followed by a chance for me to have even more major opportunities.

Its unfortunate that I can't talk about things I'm up to, but there are a few people around me that I know would love to mess it up, so I'm staying mum until things are in place. But for those of you who are concerned, just know that your ignorance and pettiness only inspired me to up my game and take my ish to the next level. So THANK YOU!

On Not Wanting to Be "Her"

There weren't just one or two things that made me decide to leave my ex alone for good, it was several things. As time went on, and I'd moved out and we continued to deal with one another sexually, I knew that he would never change. I saw hints of his ex around and I was well aware that she blamed me for their breakup. While truthfully, my existence did play a part, the fact was that no matter what people choose to believe, I have little to no bearing on how a grown man chooses to operate. I saw her desperate bid to cling to him, just like my ex's David's skeezoid, Chloe's desperate bid to cling to a man and it hit me that I never wanted to become "her." We all know the story of some desperate old ass woman who has been with a man far too long, taking shit, fighting with his women, and all kinds of nonsense, just to hold on to a man who isn't worth a salt anyway.

A few days ago I got a call from a coworker who was in my neighborhood and needed a ride because her car broke down. With my luck, it was raining heavily and my driver side had gone off the track, leaving me in a horrible position. I'd heard my coworker talk about her "husband" (he's really her boyfriend, but as far as I'm concerned, if you haven't legally connected your asses, y'all are just shacking up) in the past. She showed up one day with a bruise on her arm and when questioned about it, she claimed it was a bite mark from freaky sex. Now I'm no forensic scientist, but I know what a bite mark looks like and it damn sure wasn't one.

Anyway, as the rain poured down into my open window, my coworker was in my car, but told me she needed to hop back out to go get her purse. Which would have been a quick dash, but her husband picked that time to call her and yell at her. He blamed her for the car dying (again, while a monsoon pours into my open window) and she sat there and argued with him, rather than getting out to get her damned purse.. Eventually she grabs it and we go park safely under a gas station awning while she continues to argue with him. I pointed out to her that at no time did he ever ask if she was okay. Most husbands or boyfriends would have stayed glued to the phone to make sure their woman was safe. Not this guy. She told me she wanted out and how unhappy she was. She'd ever told me previously that his whole family spoils him and she gets along with none of them. Eventually the tow truck driver arrived and she wondered if she had enough in her account to pay for the tow. I believe her husband made a quip about her fucking him for free service, when I heard her say to him "I'm not the kind of woman to do something like that."

Today at work, the same coworker told me and another woman that goes as far as cutting up her man's food, fucking him every morning and cooking his breakfast every day. She does all of this for the same man that didn't care enough to ask if she was okay when stranded in a rain storm. Later on today, she went on to say that she's happy with her man and that with enough love and time, he'll eventually come around. One of my (very few) faults is that I have a hard time hiding my feelings on my face. I try and I always fail. So as she goes on and on about how happy she is with him (I guess I made up the fucking rain storm and her husband having the nerve to curse her out before even making sure she was safe) and how good he is to her. I gave her a serious side eye and went back to the paperwork on my desk (one of the few times today I actually tended to it).

It was then that I realized that my coworker is another her. She is yet another woman clinging to an emotionally abusive relationship, hoping things will get better. I can't make her see the error in her ways, nor will I try. She's a grown ass woman and truthfully, I have my own problems. But while my heart breaks for this woman, I can look at her and know that she is one of the women I knew I never wanted to become. My booski, Love, definitely showed me what love and dedication is. And she damned sure doesn't have either.

Growth and Empathy

I just realized that it's been 5 months since I last wrote. School is still good. Got a B, knocking me down to a 3.75 gpa, but it still beats any other grades I've ever made. Love is still around. He loves my son and my son loves him so all is well.

Anyway, I encountered a situation this morning that after some reflection, let me know that I had to reach for my blog. This morning, when I awoke and reached for my phone, I saw a Facebook message from my homeboy's girlfriend, asking why I hadn't answered her previous question. I scrolled through and saw that she'd sent me an earlier private message that asked why I'd been hanging out with her boyfriend while she was working. My immediate thought was 'what the hell?'

My homie had told me a while ago that she'd taken issue to knowing that he and I had gone to grab a bite to eat a diner late one night and I was surprised he was still so steadfast on making things work with her despite the jealousy issue. My friend (who I could not identify if I wanted to) is a well-known person in Atlanta and works with people from all over. I knew that with his profession that he couldn't afford to have a jealous woman, but he shrugged to let me know he'd work through it so I let it go. And here we are.

I assured her that he and I are simply friends and that he's not fucking around on her and if he was, I'd know it. I also told her my own history of playing side chick and how much I'd learned from it, and I also assured her that to me there is nothing worse than a woman who plays cool in a woman's face while fucking her man. Even in my most questionable moments, that's a game I've never played. Only skanks roll like that. She even went on to ask me why I'd never made an attempt to get to know her or have contact with her like I do my homie. That's when I reminded her that I'd previously asked her when she planned on having a housewarming party for her new crib and also reminded her that I always made it a point to greet her when I saw her. She asked me to come to her crib. I fear no one, but I wasn't trying to walk into some bullshit between her and my boy so I called him first. He explained that he was out of town and yeah, shit was getting heavy with the two of them.

I hit her back and said I'd be willing to go and talk calmly with her, as I have nothing to hide, but I'd have my son with me. She said she wasn't in a good place to be around kids so she declined my company after all.

Quite truthfully, Malika from 10 years ago would have laid into her ass for coming at me like that. But I really did feel for her. I've been there. Loving a man but being so far gone, not knowing what's real and what isn't. But more than anything, this showed me how much I'd grown. I found myself genuinely feeling bad for her and trying hard to assure her that my friend is a good guy and that a night on the town, a weekend get away or some counseling would do them some good.

My heart goes out to them and I hope things get better, but I'm glad to be in a place in my life where peace and sanity comes before my desire to have a dude by my side. When I do get married, I know I'll be in a great space to receive it. In the meantime, I'll just work on making myself ready.

New Year, New Me, New Name

Much is the same in these parts (beautiful) so there are no complaints here. I even got back my grades from school and for the FIRST time in my life, I managed a 4.0. I couldn't be happier. Love was with me when I found out about my grades and he kissed me a congratulations as I cried tears of joy. It was only the perfect way to cap off a year that started off horrible at best.

I started out New Years Day 2013 wondering what the fuck was going on. I got some bad news that really hammered home to me that I was fucking up in a major way. Shit had gone from bad to worse. As much as I hated to, I needed to sit my ass down and reconsider a lot of things in my life. Although for a brief time I did fall back into some bad habits, a little over halfway through, it finally began to sink in that change was necessary.

Don't get it twisted here, I'm still the same snarky, insane individual we've all come to know and love. Just a bit more seasoned and wiser to take on the role with a much more keen eye. Having a loving and supportive beau certainly doesn't hurt the whole thing either. I wouldn't call myself new, per se, but definitely improved. I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin. While there were decisions I may have questioned before, I now stand firmer in whatever I'd done or said. I lost someone who hadn't been much of a friend for the last year anyway, but still yeah, it kind of stings. In the meantime, the creativity of Love has me being a lot more expressive and I even managed to make his Christmas gift this year, something I'd never thought to do before. I've started making a bit of jewelry and my plan is to eventually start taking some drawing classes and then start painting on canvas, just as Love has done for years and I've always considered.

The more time I spend with him, the more confident I become that I want to be his wife. He brings out so much beauty and happiness and I love that even my friends see a great change in me and encourage me to go further into my relationship with him. We're obviously talking of taking the big leap before its all over with, and I look forward to the transition of being his new wife. But there remains a light apprehension in it all. It sounds so silly, but the idea of becoming his wife means I'll lose my name. I LIKE my name. Its fun, funky, pretty and refreshing, just like me! The only problem with it is that it keeps me associated with a past and some family that I'm not too keen on. I like the idea of changing my name to no longer be associated with them. But still, its my name. Its ME. Its who I am, and its who I've been for 33 years. We were out recently and I stared longingly at the flowers on the items in front of me. They were so pretty and delicate, yet strong and firm and colorful, just like me. It only brought it home for me what eventually changing my name means.

Still though, for all of the happiness and love that Love brings to my life, I'll take the transition just as I always do- I'll go dragging, kicking and screaming and pleading not to go. Just playing (kind of). I'm happy with where I am, and where I'm going and who I'm going with. I also trust that if the transition keeps things this happy, there is no where else to go but up, and I know he'll be up with me.

The Quest for God

Its not a secret that I'm not a Christian. I don't even know if I even believe in God. I'ts worked for me in a way. Sometimes I wonder if God is real, other times I find my back against the wall and I can almost feel the hands of Someone Else doing things that I certainly could not do. Those are the days that I know that there is a higher power up there that loves me and wants to make sure that I'm well. But then there are days that I look around and I see downtrodden people that suffer and I think that there is no way that a God that supposedly loves and takes care of us all could exist, because why would God take care of me and not others? I'm not some kind of deity or special person worthy of such favors, yet I am consistently covered when I need it.

In the meantime, I'd learned to lean on Buddhism as my solace. I like the concept of Buddhism because its not about others, its about ME. It teaches me how to deal with others and how to work on myself so that I can be a better person and deal with the world. The problem with Christianity for me is that so much of it is based on blind faith. I've tried my hardest, but I can't make sense of it. In the absence of a concrete God, Buddhism taught me how to alter my perspective and be all right with the world. Buddhism was there for me when I had no where else to go. Buddhism showed me that half empty or half full, the glass doesn't matter because its just matter. The glass is just a shiny object that will eventually decay anyway (Impermanence) so why focus on it anyway? It just is.

Once during a meditation session, I came to an epiphany that there is no good or bad, there just is. Meaning that we assign labels of Good or Bad to things and from there deal accordingly. For instance, if someone loses their job and then has a fit, having a fit won't bring the job back. However, if you accept it for what it is and move forward to find a new job, or just take it as a sign to find a new direction in life, the better off you'll be. Some may not be able to relate to that, but for me to be as anxious and nervous as I am, I need it. I'm the kind of person that constantly seeks answers. I need to know why? Why do children die? Why do people suffer from broken hearts? Why do some people have and not others? Why did Jarronn and Tracey die on me? I need answers. And the Bible never provided them. I don't want to hear shit about them being needed in heaven. Jesus may work for some. But it left me feeling abandoned and frustrated and confused. So I turned to Buddhism and Myself.

I'd made peace with the absence of God in my life, until I met Love. He's a minister, who carries himself as one. He's so smart and despite me being filled with millions of questions about God and religion, he can honestly pull out a Bible verse to answer my question. There will be times that I'm at his home and I'll see a random Bible scripture laying around and I'll find that it totally relates to me. Normally when that happens, I'll ask him about it and we can have a conversation about how it relates to our lives. I dunno, maybe Love is right about there being a God. But then I come to this whole Jesus thing and that's where my doubt really lies. As much as I adore Love, and want to be with him in every way, the Jesus/Bible thing throws me. While some think that every word of the Bible is true, I think that some of it is metaphorical. I doubt the whole "burning bush" "Noah's arc" "water into wine" stuff. I just can't see it.

Sure, I can see the potential of a higher power, but I can't necessarily see the rest of the story the way others do. Maybe something is wrong with me. If it brings me closer to Love, I want to believe it. But I don't want to submit to something I don't agree to, just to be accepted. Nor would Love want me to lie to him or myself about it. So I'm stuck. I still don't know if I believe in God. And that's okay. Hopefully, I have plenty of time to figure it out.

Side Chick to Main Chick

Its come up in convo for me quite a few times how I'm happily coupled up with an incredible man and the personal and spiritual transitions I had to make to make me ready to receive him and love him the way I need to. Love and I had a conversation recently where he said that Steve Harvey once told a story about how when a man loves a woman and fully commits to her, he gives her a title. Not just a "baby mama" or just introducing you by your name, he'll say "this is my girlfriend/wife/fiance, (insert name here)."

I'm so thankful to have finally made it to that point. My friend and I conversed today and she said that she has finally let go of all of the casual male acquaintances in her life and she's doing much better without them. We both said how as a woman, (if you're lucky) you get to a point where you learn to screen men out in less than 30 seconds. It could be something as simple as his body language, his posture, his verbal language, or the activity he invites you to, you can tell quite quickly if he is worth your time.

I'm not sure if I said this before, but the ONLY thing that got me to let my guard down when I met Love is how he approached me. As I'd written before, we were at a copy shop and casually talking. I bid him farewell and walked toward my car and he ran outside and stopped me to ask me to lunch. That was the selling point. He didn't ask to come to my home or get me to his home. He didn't ask me to smoke weed or drink with him. He didn't even mention dinner. He suggested something as casual and friendly as lunch. And we've been glued at the hip ever since.

I've got to say, there is something astonishing about being not just the "main chick" but the only woman in a man's life. Love has shown me so much loyalty and devotion in a short amount of time and I have absolutely no doubt that things will continue to flourish and grow between the two of us. In the meantime, we will be spending Thanksgiving with my best friend's family and he's already making the rounds and meeting my friends. They all love him and as each day goes on, we get closer and closer to making our love a spiritual and legally permanent one.

I hate to argue that it was low self-esteem that led me to dealing with the partners I had before, but I've always been one to be honest with myself. At the same time, I was just happy to have love and companionship. But as time grew, so did I, and companionship and penis was no longer enough. I think, no, I know, I'm glad I met him when I did, because truthfully, had I met him at any other time or any other circumstance, I wouldn't have been able to look at him and truly appreciate what a blessing he really is. So it appears that the moment I decided to step up my game, and stop settling for crumbs, Prince Charming marched up on his white horse. Or in his silver Scion. Whichever.

Conversations About the Future

I love that Love reads my blog and feels free to share his thoughts with me. That being said, I mentioned to him that my blog is not nearly as insane or drama filled as it once was, simply because my life is no longer in that state. At the time I met Love, I was completely over drama-filled men and their other women, lies, etc. By then I'd enrolled in Clark Atlanta University as a graduate student and I've been managing to keep A's in both of the classes I'm taking. I'd sworn to myself that dating was pretty much off limits and despite getting approached by men left and right, my focus was to remain on school, myself, and my son.

I actually met Love while I was in a copy shop, printing out a my paper (which I later got an A on). He read the title over my shoulder and I made a joke about the item he was getting printed up. So Love became love, and romance rides again. Being that I'd already been in the zone to get my life and finances in order, it was a lot easier for me to look at Love and for him to look at me and see that there could definitely be a future for the two of us.

One thing that continues to impress me about him is his willingness to openly communicate with me. We frequently have conversations about things such as finances (things to pay off now and then focus on after the wedding). We talk about children, we've talked about buying a house. Those are the things that let me know he's serious about me and about us. We discuss religion, church, and prayer frequently. Frankly, nothing is off limits for us, which makes me even more comfortable.

The other day we again discussed finances. He asked about my student loans (ouch) and we talked about our goals and necessity of saving money and getting a joint account we could both deposit into. I was floored. I tried so hard in the past to get that kind of progress with my exes, yet here is a man, who on his own, is ready to meet me halfway. So somehow, I managed to go from single sista, ready to take on the world, to happily booed-up woman, ready to tackle the future with a man I'm head over heels for. How lucky am I?

Couple Friends

I was at my best friend's surprise party last night and I met a mutual friend's girlfriend, and I immediately took to her. We both said that in dealing with our men, we were pretty sure that our boos were more than likely our future husbands. We talked about how we'd both had long and bad relationships in the past, so we knew we were on a better tracks.

She told me that she'd been dating him as long as I'd been dating Love and I suggested that she and I double with our new loves. Then I looked up and suggested that the four of us go out with my bestie and his girlfriend, making us a triple date. Around the same time I told her that I had been pricing photogs and flowers for our wedding and was amazed at the prices. She told me that she'd been married before and that her Vegas wedding costs her $5k. Another married friend chimed in that he'd spend over $8k for his wedding last year and he only got that steal because he'd called in favors all over the city. It felt awesome to talk to other people seriously about such issues, since I was never this close to a walk down the isle before.

 It was then that I realized why they often say it is best for couples to hang with other couples. While with Deen there was only one couple we hung with and truthfully, they were just as screwed up as he and I were. Now that I'm in a really happy and loving relationship, I love the idea of getting together with other couples and hanging out. The best thing about the males last night is that I know all three of them (Love, the new woman's boyfriend, and my male bestie) are genuinely GOOD dudes. They are men that seek long-lasting, family-oriented relationships with the women they love and with God. I now understand that when all of your social encounters are with single people, it is easy to get sidetracked and forget to carry yourself as half of a couple. When your focus is husband/wife/child/family, you know not to have your ass in the club frequently as if you were single.

The married friend also told us that he intends to have his birthday this spring in Amsterdam and said we should all join him. I told him that as a woman who is happily committed to a minister, getting blitzed in Amsterdam is not an option. My friend said that if I marry someone, he has to accept who and what I am. I told him that while I agree to an extent, for my particular relationship, somethings I had to fall back on. He's married and his wife will be in Amsterdam with him. I'm heading toward marriage, and I'll be home with my boo. Or wherever he is. Love and I will simply have to find new couples to hang with in the meantime.