Wednesday, October 15, 2008

my play-brother lost his unborn child

his wife was about 5 months along. he and i talked every few weeks and he told me how things were progressing. they thought they were having a girl. it turned out they were having a boy. i look at my son and i know how much of a joy he is to me. he is literally my reason for living. before i had him, if i had died, i wouldn't have cared. caleb brown is my reason for being here. this is in part why i became an atheist. no loving God would do this to sweet loving people. i don't understand how any woman can live through something this hard. i would probably kill myself. before i got the news today, i was talking to a girlfriend about how her daughter is about to turn a year. we talked about how quickly they grow up. about how magical it is to have a new baby. how everything they do is so special and new. nothing brings out the feeling of being a woman more than caring for your newborn baby.
my heart aches for my play-brother so much. i remember being pregnant. i remember my son's father being a bastard through most of my pregnancy. and i also remember that the health of my unborn child was the most important thing to me. i loved to rub my belly and talk to my unborn baby. i tried to tell myself that until the baby made it here, that anything was possible and that there was no guarantee that he would make it full term. but he did. he was happy and healthy. a whopping 10 lb 9.2 ounces. his dad swears that he heard the doctor call him a "monster" because of his size when he was born. i remember that his dad's first words after he layed eyes on him were "he's gray." *smile* i always laugh at that. because of that, we joked that the baby was the incredible hulk because of his size and because the incredible hulk was originally gray in the comic book. his dad was down right giddy. the nurses told me how happy his dad was when he learned that we had the 2nd biggest baby born at the hospital that year. my son's father is 6'6 and he attributes our huge healthy baby to his own girth.
i can't imagine how much they hurt. i can't imagine making so many changes to my home and job, to start buying little clothes. little clothes that are now going to be a reminder of the worst day of their lives. my brother doesn't deserve this. no one does.


Eb the Celeb said...

my aunt had two miscarriages before she had my cousin and she got really depressed... to the point that she didn't even want to try anymore... so yeah, seeing her go threw that, I really feel for your play brother... it can really take a toll on you.

Brothers Blog said...

this is so sad and I can speak on it first hand. My brother had to endure the same tragedy when he lost his baby girl. Around the same term in the pregnancy. My son was barely 9 months old himself. And they lost the baby. I felt at times a mix of emotions because I had recently had my son and he was here healthy and they were dealing with such pain and dispair all while I was enjoying the happiest moments of that first year of my son's life. My son will be 5 next month and we just celebrated my niece's 4th birthday this past August. She's still with us in spirit and we have as much love for her just as we do for my son. But it still hurts to think about her and how beautiful she would be.

My condolences to your brother in his loss.