today in class two classmates did a presentation about misrepresentations of women in the media and part of the presentation focused on using violence against women in advertising. one of my guy classmates commented that he can't believe that women stick around after a guy starts abusing them. i felt the need to raise my hand to answer to what he stated.
i said that guys don't start doing that mess at first. on the first dates they smile and compliment you and tell you that you're beautiful. then the first time they get mad, they tell you that you're fat and ugly. and i cried. i got choked up and tears streamed down my face in front of my teachers and peers as i suddenly recalled being worthless. i remembered that one day, david called me a moron. i don't remember why, but he did. and that whole day, i felt like hell. i felt so stupid and worthless. and a good friend pulled me to the side that evening and asked me what was wrong. and i told him that david called me a moron. and maybe he was right. maybe i WAS in fact a moron. and i cried on my friend's shoulder about how stupid i felt. he never hit me, but i swear i'd rather be hit than have him shred away my self-esteem verbally the way he did.
what surprised me the most about my outburst in class, was that david and i haven't been romantically linked in 2 years. i've moved on, i've got a son by another man that treats me way better than david ever did. i don't want david back at all. so why is it that suddenly out of the blue, i was taken back to feeling like a nobody? i felt like that girl in high school who he mercilessly teased in front of her friends. and i loved him still. two years later and i still cry about it. it seems like a lifetime ago. and it still hurts like hell.