Thursday, October 23, 2008

i can't believe i cried in class

today in class two classmates did a presentation about misrepresentations of women in the media and part of the presentation focused on using violence against women in advertising. one of my guy classmates commented that he can't believe that women stick around after a guy starts abusing them. i felt the need to raise my hand to answer to what he stated.
i said that guys don't start doing that mess at first. on the first dates they smile and compliment you and tell you that you're beautiful. then the first time they get mad, they tell you that you're fat and ugly. and i cried. i got choked up and tears streamed down my face in front of my teachers and peers as i suddenly recalled being worthless. i remembered that one day, david called me a moron. i don't remember why, but he did. and that whole day, i felt like hell. i felt so stupid and worthless. and a good friend pulled me to the side that evening and asked me what was wrong. and i told him that david called me a moron. and maybe he was right. maybe i WAS in fact a moron. and i cried on my friend's shoulder about how stupid i felt. he never hit me, but i swear i'd rather be hit than have him shred away my self-esteem verbally the way he did.
what surprised me the most about my outburst in class, was that david and i haven't been romantically linked in 2 years. i've moved on, i've got a son by another man that treats me way better than david ever did. i don't want david back at all. so why is it that suddenly out of the blue, i was taken back to feeling like a nobody? i felt like that girl in high school who he mercilessly teased in front of her friends. and i loved him still. two years later and i still cry about it. it seems like a lifetime ago. and it still hurts like hell.


T.Swagg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
T.Swagg said...

Emotional scars never go away.I have a few myself.Im still trying to understand what came over that person to make them want to start treating me like shit all of a sudden one day and i think thats what makes it still hurt to this day.It leaves you wondering and questioning yourself like..was it this was it that??Anyways..Dont cry.I read your blog faithfully and one thing i can tell you is...You are NOT a moron.

malika in atlanta said...

girl, you're gonna make me cry reading this! thanks for the love.

The Prince of Know Where? said...

I have to admit men sometimes say things that they shouldn't and the reason behind most of it is we don't understand how deeply those words affect you. As black men, we are constantly bombarded with negativity from media, other races, and sometimes the women we love-and we find a way to partition it off somewhere so that we can move on. We think that women also have this ability-but you don't. You wear what we say on your sleeves and the those wounds sometimes don't heal.

I can't speak for all men, but from my experience, I've learned to be extremely careful with my words because not only can they ruin someone's day, they can ruin someone's life.

It's ok to cry-let that shit out. You don't have to prove a damn thing to anyone. It always feels better when you done, doesn't it?