So I'm on the third evening since I learned about Pete. I thought that by now I'd be up laughing and back to my old tricks. The fact is that I can barely get out of bed. I'm still crying a lot although a bit less. I had to admit to Daisy today that even though Fred is here on business, I'm in my own head too much to pay him any attention. The fact is that I'm not the most pleasant woman to be around right now. I'm still grieving tremendously. I didn't really realize how much he'd meant to me until I lost him.
I've been thinking a lot about our dirty jokes. Those moments of alone time. I took it out of my original blog that I'd posted, but we kissed once. It was a lot tongue. He kind of caught me off guard. But what I remember was the way he kissed my neck immediately after. It was just a peck, but man, that neck kiss had me in orbit.
Yesterday, we had a balloon release at work where people were able to talk about Pete and how much he meant to them. It was nice that everyone had their memories of Pete, the coworker, but Pete the person off the clock was amazing. I also learned that he died of a heart attack, and not a relapse, something that worried me. I've been going back through his Facebook page, looking at his pictures. The fact is that the second I learned his last name, I'd been stalking him online, so I knew of his proclivities before he knew I did. I remember how Sky looked at Pete's Facebook page at the art he posted, and immediately knew that based on his artistic taste alone, he and I were a perfect match.
I told Pete of my commitment issues and Pete laughed, because he understood completely. I've taken to reading my cousin Jessica's blog about her time missing my cousin, Jarronn. I hoped it would lend me some comfort, but Jessica talked about losing her husband. I didn't lose a husband, I lost a "work husband"/friend. Completely different. Although, I have to admit that as i read more into it, grieving is grieving and healing is healing. I don't know how I'll manage to finish out this internship though. The fact is that Pete was such a large part of my days. I happened to throw together a cute outfit the other day, and I decided that I'd wear it the following Friday for Pete. Not knowing that Friday would be the day of the balloon release because Pete was gone. The outfit called for a cute, brightly colored scarf. But when the day came, there was no way I could wear a bright scarf. I stuck largely to all black. I'd been in the process of painting my bedroom to make it bright and colorful. I needed another pint of finish a portion of it. I haven't bought the paint and lord only knows when I will. In the meantime, I'm simply going to leave it unfinished.
What has been hard for me is the idea of saying goodbye to such a dynamic spirit. The idea of "goodbye" tore me to pieces. Goodbye meant forever. I can't get up and smile like everything is okay if I don't have my beacon of life to shine on me. Every time I thought of the words "good bye" I was in tears again. In being a medium, Pete has been kind enough to communicate with me. Yesterday, it occurred to me that I would like to hear music other than my Stevie, although Steve has done a great job capturing my emotions with "Never Dreamed You'd Leave in Summer." I climbed into my car, and looked down and staring at me was the cd for the soundtrack for the movie Panther. That cd happened to contain one of my favorite songs, "We'll Meet Again" by Blackstreet. For the first time in a while, happy tears appeared.
Pete was kind enough to continue to whisper in my ear. He told me how he feels about Fred (gonna leave that one alone) and when the kid walked up to me and passed gas, Pete quickly responded "NICE!" When I think about my time with Pete, sometimes I wonder if he picked me or if he and I picked each other. Sky pointed out that based on some things, Pete was an introvert. I can't believe I missed it, but he was right. Pete was one on one, not one for large groups. I invited him to a cohort's wedding and he was kind, but quick to decline. But when he and I were together, our time was amazing. I'm not sure how it happened, but I'm so thankful for that fateful day when we stopped as he was pushing that wheel barrow. Lord only knows how boring my life would have been if we'd never stopped to chat that one day.
What makes this a tad easier for me is remembering how blessed I was to have Pete. That he chose me and that I was wise enough to choose him. We may not have been a full fledged couple, but there was a lot of love and laughter between us in a short time. That's all a woman can really hope for and I got tons of it. He was kind enough to show me his interior, not just his external shell. His internal was insightful, warm, humorous and honest. Again, how blessed was I?
I'm so glad that Pete agreed to wait on the other side for me. Some people go and if you see them again, you know, its cool. But I genuinely NEEDED to know that Pete would wait for me. I had to have confirmation that when my time comes, he'll be there, with a dirty joke and a hug. And maybe even a kiss on the neck.