Monday, March 20, 2017

Clarity and Closure

I thought back on my time at Pete's funeral and my time with his mother. His sisters were clearly emotional, crying hysterically. His mother, not so much. I can't speculate on her mental state. I said to her how lucky I was to get to know him during his sober days, at his best, and not get to know him as he dealt with drugs. She simply said back to me "yes, you were lucky." I don't think she was apathetic I think she was cried out. I can only imagine what its like to chase down a son with a severe drug addiction for 30 years. It made me think that much more how lucky I was for my brief time with him.

Went to class today and honestly had to drag myself. I've taken to listening to the Janet Jackson song "Together Again" as it reminds me of Pete, my shining star. Coincidentally enough, I used to not be able to hear the song without breaking into tears because it reminded me of my cousin Tracey, now it brings a smile to my face, remembering that I'll have a friend in the clouds waiting on me. So on my first day back in class since his passing, I needed the motivation to get through my day. I sat in my 9am class, waiting for it to be over. Dragging. The topic was pretty interested, but I still moped through it.

As class ended, I went to grab a friend from home to drive her to campus. As I dropped her off, I looked through my old Facebook messages to see I'd gotten an inbox from an ex-girlfriend of Pete's. She was in Colombia, trying to find out what happened. She'd originally sent it when he died two weeks ago. I apologized for my delay and told her what I knew. I could see what he saw in her. She is pretty and told me stories that said how adventurous she was. She asked if his ex wife was there, and she was not. We briefly talked about Pete's struggles to see his daughter, after his ex denied him visitation. I said to her that I could see why Pete liked us. We were clearly his type. Fun-loving and outgoing. And based on what he'd told us both about his ex-wife and based on what we knew about him, they just didn't seem like a good match from the go. As a matter of fact, he admitted that he'd gotten with his wife way too early in their relationship (only 3 or 4 months), and that he was 42(ish) and she was in her early 30's. Basically they were at different points in their lives. He harbored no ill will against her, but he was the one with the deep chemical dependency, how could he? Still, he took responsibility. As much as he could.

When I drove my friend home, I stopped in to see the guy from the coffeehouse and had her join me. We talked about love, black america, men, normal educated black people conversations. Naturally, the convo rolled around to Pete. My homegirl pointed out that he and I had only known one another for 5 months and that I could not possibly know him exceptionally well in that time. Not enough to mourn the way I have. I admitted, that no, I didn't necessarily know everything about him. I know I don't. I never claimed to. But it made me reflect on what it is that made me adore him so much. It wasn't what he did, what we did, or what I did. It was about how he made me feel. I felt light and loved. Pete was a Gemini. The fact is that no one will ever love you like a Gemini. At our best, we're absolutely magic. We're funny, charming, light. What Pete brought to my life was smiles, giggles, good times. The kiss on the lips was cool, but it was the kiss on the neck that sent me into orbit. That was it. It wasn't just Pete, it was the magic he brought to my life. I'll miss him. But I can move forward now, having identified what it was about him that made him so special. He was magic. But I knew that.

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