I mentioned before that I’d told Pete about Tory. Actually,
I’ve talked to Tory extensively about Pete since his passing and Tory has been
beyond patient in hearing me go on and on about another man, deceased or not.
Hajj knows that I felt a deep loss in Pete, but I never really shared too many
details of who or what Pete is with him. After Hajj was kind of absent as I
went through it about the loss of my former student, when we started kicking
again, I asked him if I could depend on him emotionally and he said yes. So
when I went on and on via my Facebook page, Hajj made it a point to check in on
me and offer his virtual hugs as I mourned. Hell, at least he stepped up. When
I see him in a couple of weeks I plan to ask about how emotionally absent he
was early on, but for now, I’ll take it.
Anyway, I shared with Tory through various conversations who
Peter was and what he meant to me. I told him quite honestly that I probably
would have had sex with him at some point had he not passed. Some people may
think it strange that I discuss my menfolk with one another, but I’m a believer
in honesty. If I’m rocking with you, I’m doing just that. If we’re casual, I’m
being that as well. I’m not going to go out of my way to make a man think he’s
the center of my world if that’s just not the case. Probably why my ass is
single now, but whatevs.
In one of my last conversations with Pete I told him about
Tory and mentioned Tory’s snail pace of movement. I expressed interest in Tory,
but said that the slow movement on things sexually created a bit of a mental
block. I said to Pete “I like him, he’s a great guy and he adores me, it’s just
that he’s…” As I struggled to find the word, Pete volunteered “boring?” “No,
not boring” I responded. Then I found the correct description. “It’s just that
I’m a bad girl. He’s a good guy. Pete, you understand, because you’re a bad
boy. We can be a lot.”
Pete gave me a look that indicated fully that he
understood what I meant. I also explained that I never wanted to hurt Tory with
my being so much, so it caused me to be a bit cautious with him, because I know
I can be so much to handle.
You see, the issue is that as a bad girl, I can be a handful.
I’m clearly not as much of a bad girl as some women. I’m not a drug shooting
thief, I’m not a drop out, my bills are in my name, and as of this writing, my
rent is current and my lights are on. But I enjoy the night life. I like to see
how far down the rabbit hole I can go with my shenanigans. A man who is a bit more
cautious in how he handles life may not be able to keep up with the random
whims that often guide me. I might up and decide to take a weekend trip to the
coast. I once met a guy who was stranded at the airport and took him home with
me, and brought him back the next day. Still thankful he didn’t chop my body
into pieces, but moving on. The awesome thing about bad boys is that they get
it because the operate much in the same manner. So we can be bad at the same
damned time.
Sometimes looking back, I think that Pete was kind of
distant with me much for the same reason. He was a real bad boy. Not this
fluffy shit I’m on. Dude had real demons. Literally the only gripe I had about
him was that we didn’t get to hang often. Like if he saw me at work, he always
took a moment to stop and shoot the breeze. If I was solo, no matter where I
was on the property, he stopped in to chat. I recall that my last day seeing
him, I was a little peeved, although not outwardly, about the fact that he
hadn’t answered my text message about dinner that evening, that I’d sent him
the night before. I saw him while I was solo and he muttered something about
how busy he’s been. I gave a weak smile a continued to my destination. I saw
him later that day with program members, I guess giving some sort of tour. He
looked at me and the two women I was with and gave a weak smile and again said
something about being busy. About 3 hours later, as I sat in class, he
responded to my text message with “Thanks for the offer. It’s been a long week.
Staying home tonight.” I was pissed because his text came 27 damned hours after
I’d sent the invite. That’s the last text I have from him. Seeing him solo and
him not responding that day resonated with me. Like seriously, Pete always
responded when I was alone. But that day he didn’t. I’d kind of wondered if
he’d already fallen off the wagon by that point. A cohort of mine thinks he had
“female friend” and that was where his time was spent. I’m not delusional
enough to assume that he didn’t have some female companionship. But still in
his own way, I think he was protecting me from his other side.
I think what drew me to Pete was that he was a rabbit hole
follower. Didn’t matter how deep that bitch was, he went with it. I guess that
could be a bad thing though. Because look where the rabbit hole led him.
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