Thursday, March 23, 2017


I've talked extensively about my feelings on Pete, so its only fair for me to discuss other areas of my dating life at this point. As I've wallowed in self pity over the loss of Pete, the fact is that he was never exactly front runner in my dating pool. Sure, I was setting up for a wonderful run with him as we laughed, talked and grew, but the truth is that I knew our time was limited. I just didn't know how limited it really was. On the outside of time with him, there stood two men that I was heavily drawn to. I'll start with the first one, Hajj.

I came across Hajj while I was in DC last summer. I was pretty bored and wanted to go out on a date. I have to say, DC kind of burst my bubble in terms of how I view myself physically. Like literally, in Atlanta, I can't leave the damned house without having men fall over me. I've grown to quite enjoy it actually. So imagine how my black ass felt when I was in DC and I swear I couldn't pay a guy to give me a second look. It was honestly a tad baffling and disappointing me. All I wanted was some nice young man to take me on a date and show me their view of DC and it was dry as a well up there.

I got bored and got on Tinder. Was on it for a whopping 5 minutes, didn't see anything promising and got off. A month or so later, I was again bored and got on Tinder while back home in Atlanta. The first thing that popped up was that I'd been "super liked" by a guy. He seemed cute enough, so I swiped right and we started talking. He came across as pretty awesome. We talked at length, and I eventually realized that he was still in DC. I guess he'd liked my profile was I was still up north. Nevertheless, we stayed in touch. I liked different things about him. I did a psychological profile a while ago of my ideal candidate. I'm so outgoing, that people tend to think that I like or need a man that's as outgoing and sociable as I am. Quite the opposite for me. I've found that many of the super sociable and funny men I've come across tend to be insecure. Like if I got more attention, more laughs at my jokes, or other men were into me, the outgoing dudes tended to be the most wound up. Like they dug my outgoing personality in the beginning, but they always grew to resent it. So whenever it came time for me to look for an actual potential life mate, not just some dude to fuck around with, I wanted the dude who was cool and confident enough to trust me and let me shine.

Mama didn't raise no fool, naturally I Googled him. He's got a job that's pretty high up, which means that although I didn't look for it, I was able to find his salary and other info pretty easily. I also said that he needed to be financially secure. Like he didn't have to have half a mil in the bank for emergencies, but if one of our kids called and needed $200 for an emergency, we could cut the child a check immediately, rather than waiting for payday. Hajj seemed promising as a long term partner overall for me in that arena. But my knowledge of his funds also created a bit of an issue for me. Like since I knew what he made, I knew that he could easily afford to bring his ass down here to see me. At one point he was leaning toward Labor day. Then a weekend or so after that. Then the Dungeon Family reunion in September. The issue with long distance dating is that is that we have to rely heavily on the phone and texting for communication. I'd ask questions and he'd tell me that he hated the 20 Questions portion of dating. Like dude, I get it, but how the hell am I supposed to get to know you otherwise? Shit, you're not here, I'm not there. So answer my fucking question. Phone calls became sparse. In the fall, a boy I'd worked with last year was murdered. Needless to say, I was jarred. I called him and he was less than supportive. My tolerance waned. Another issue was that I'd sent his ass a Facebook request (and I'm quite sure he'd seen it) and he never accepted it. Some time in October, we'd fizzled out. Plus I rescinded my request. I was over it and honestly didn't look back. He'd periodically check in afterward and I was kind, but I was done.

Some time in December, he texted me, asking how I was. I was short, but polite. I guess at the moment I just wasn't there for the simple shit, so I basically said "damn homie, we could have been something big." He responded with something along the lines of "yeah, I guess distance and schedules got in the way." I was thinking "bullshit" but I allowed it. From there, he really stepped up his game. He even sent me a Facebook friend request (really motherfucker?!), and I accepted it. Truth be told, we been rocking pretty steadily since then. My theory is that he had a female sniffing around him at the moment so he kind of sidelined me until he knew where things would fall with her. Of course he'd never just own up to that, but being pretty does not equate to me being stupid so I'll just ride this on out.

So while that was the story with him, there are things a like about him. He knows I'm loud and outgoing and I think he digs that. The communication is fairly steady now. He's stable. Good job. Well traveled, educated, pulled himself up by the bootstraps kind of guy. I don't think he'd ever say it, but I think he is one of those guys who feels like he's got it all and just needs a strong woman by his side to complete the picture. Enter Malika. We're supposed to officially meet in person in two weeks when I visit DC. Not gonna lie though, for the needs that I have for myself and a role as a potential stepdaddy for the Kid, plus potential father for any other kids I may knock out, on paper, Hajj seems like a winner. I guess we'll see how this goes.

And then there's Tory. I've been Facebook friends with Tory for a while now. At least a few years that I can think of. We became friends because of a mutual connection, but as time went on, we became regular commenters on one another's posts. I'd thought he was a cutie early on, even going so far as to stalk his Facebook page a while back. While in grad school, I've pulled an occasional Facebook hiatus, which would allow me to focus on school. One day Tory inboxed me to let me know he'd missed me in my absence. Ever since then, things flowed pretty well. As a matter of fact, he and I met face to face the following day. Tory is funny, outgoing, loving, loyal. He'd give me the shirt off his back and my son adores him as much as he adores my son.

The problem with Tory is that while I think he'd make an absolutely outstanding boyfriend (no doubt in my mind of that) I wonder how he'd stand up long-term as a husband. Tory came to America as a young child and still is not a legal citizen. Now with this fuckwad we have as a president, getting citizenship isn't exactly easy. Its unfortunate, but he wasn't able to go to college or do many things in his younger years, that allowed most adults to grow and thrive. He's a complete gem, but I can't help but to think that a vital part of his late teens and early 20's was stolen from him because of something he had no control over. I could totally see him in college, socializing, meeting women, hanging with the guys, etc. but he never did that and it shows. While I often sit around and goof off with many of my educated friends, I honestly don't see Tory fitting in, again due to no fault of his own. Don't get me wrong, Tory is smart as a whip. Damned near genius even. But socially, there's just this something that he's lacking. I guess its just me...

The wild thing about Tory is that I dug him immediately, but he was kind of slow to make a move on me and I got kinda bored. Like we'd been kicking it for nearly a month when we finally kissed on Valentine's Day and I was the one that had to take the charge on that. By that time we'd hung nearly 6 or 7 times, and nothing physical like at all. I'm kind of turned on by a man that will grab me by my hand (or even my hair depending on how freaky we're talking) and take charge. Tory is kind of a slow mover, and he really wanted to make sure that we were good, so he took his time. The problem is that I think he may have waited a tad too long. Ironically when I told Pete about my struggles with Tory taking his time, Pete suggested that I take Tory's hand and place it in the neither regions that I needed him to visit.

There's other things as well. Tory is still in the process of getting his footing in his career, although it looks like he's making some strides in it. Tory plans to just chill, the rest of his life, while my ass plans to FLY! Not sure if I'll stay in this state or even this country. Tory moved around so much in his youth that his goal is to get some steady footing and float off into the sunset. SHHHHHEEEEIIIIIIITTTTTTTT!!!! Not Malika! If things in my life were different, I'd be in Belize or Panama, chilling like a motherfucker RIGHT NOW!

So yeah, he'd make a perfect boyfriend, but long-term, I'm just not sure I see us together 5 years from now. Yeah, some people say worry about 5 years from now 5 years from now, but I've wasted many years with the wrong men for me, so why spend anymore on a real crap shoot? My fear is that one day I'll want to up and do some Malika kinda shit and I'm not sure Tory will be down to ride because he's so comfy in where he is. The fact is that unhinged Malika is pretty next level. Not sure if Tory can keep up.

Then there is one more issue with Tory. He's very attached to his mother. Nothing wrong with that, but anyone that knows me knows that I don't have a good track record with mamas. I think I'm awesome, but as a woman that pretty much raised myself, I kind of fly solo and don't really seek out approval from anybody's mama. Despite my son being only 9-years-old, I'm very supportive of him, but I give him plenty of room to do him. Tory is in his early 30's and still lives with his mother. I'm certainly not knocking it, but what happens if we get married and I want to move to Chicago or New York or LA? He'd never fully own it (maybe he doesn't see it) but his mother really depends on him. So if we got married and had a kid, I don't see her being okay with us up and leaving the city, state or country. Is it wrong that I was downright turned on when I learned that Hajj isn't close to his mother? I was like HELLS YEAH!!! No mama drama! Tory's mother needs him. I can't come between that.

Tory thinks we can do this and just move forward and he doesn't understand my apprehension. My issue is that while he's an amazing person, he's got some character traits that I'm not quite sure would work for me long term. He feels that we can work through things, but I've had men tell me "Well Malika, I need you to do this... I need you to be that... I need you to be this... I wish you were like that... I like you, but why aren't you more like this? I dig you, but I don't know if I can deal with that..." And I hated that feeling. Those words of essentially, you're perfect, but I need you to be someone that you're not. What kind of pressure is that? Be more professional. Be more girly. Be more rigid. Be more organized. Be neater. It was like a punch in the stomach every time I heard it. So as fucked up as it sounds, I don't want to tell Tory to be someone that he isn't. I care about him enough to want him to find and love a woman that can take him the way he is, rather than a woman like myself who would come with a list of needs that he honestly can't quite reach up to at this moment in time.

The good thing about all the shit I've gone through in relationships is that it taught me foresight. I think that Tory and I could have a good few solid years, but I think that ultimately lifestyle differences would come between us. I need a man that could ground me, because like I said, Malika can be on some next level shit. When I talk about Hajj, I like to say that "on paper" he's perfect for me. I think that at my moments when I fall, he'd be perfect at picking me up. But I don't know. It takes a while to know if someone can really handle you at your worst. Text messages and the occasional 15 minute phone call couldn't possibly tell me if Hajj is perfect for me. Hell even my trip to DC won't be nearly long enough for us to get to know each other. But honestly I don't know if Tory could handle picking me up at those moments when I'm prone to falling.

So do I go with Hajj or Tory? Or possibly an unknown outlier? Like everything else, I guess time will tell in the end.

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