Addiction

Periodically, I'll assess my attachment to something and decide that I need to step away from it for a moment. My most recent thing to abstain from was Starbucks. I've had an obscene obsession with Starbucks for years. I craved it like a drug. I'd started treating myself with Starbucks drinks as a motivator on Monday mornings. On some Fridays, if I had enough time, I'd grab one on my way to work. I'd often leave work in the middle of the day to go up the street and get a quick fix. So at the end of 2020, I decided that a month-long sabbatical from Starbucks was in order. 

I'll be honest, the first 3 days were painful. The funny thing is that I'm not even addicted to coffee or caffeine. The fact is that in having ADHD, too much caffeine puts me to sleep, so I'm actually pretty careful about how much I take in. Anyway, by the forth day, I no longer missed the sight of those green aprons. But I still utilize coffeehouses to get work done, so I had to look around and find some smaller, local options. I managed to find a few local coffeehouses that worked, that I'd occasionally visit.

By the time February 1st rolled around, I thought I'd be at the Starbucks line bright and early, by 6am, anxiously salivating about getting a toffee nut latte into my waiting hands. But that didn't happen. I didn't actually get around to getting Starbucks until about February 3rd. And it tasted like soap. Real spit, my go to Starbucks favorite tasted like soap. I threw it away. I wasn't sure if it actually tasted like soap or perhaps someone didn't thoroughly rinse the equipment properly after cleaning, but it tasted soapy. 

I went back to Starbucks about a month later. I was having a day where I felt quite accomplished and I decided that a trip to my "favorite place" was in order. I'd gotten a drink and truthfully, it tasted kind of watered down. It wasn't as delicious as I'd sworn it once was. For the first time in nearly 20 years, I'd started to consider if perhaps Starbucks was actually as overrated as many had said it was. 

Yesterday, I'd taken home some paperwork that needed to be done. I knew that if I'd gone straight home, the work would only continue to pile up, as it had done since Friday, so I located a Starbucks in my neighborhood that had outside seating. Good enough. I walked into Starbucks for the 3rd time in the year, literally a record for me, and ordered another latte. And again, it came across watered down. It was then that I knew that I'd outgrown it.

While at Starbucks, Sky stopped in to see me. We began to discuss Andrea again. We talked about drugs and overall addiction. Sky stated that he feels that everyone has an addiction or 2. That was when I told Sky that by working at my job in rehab, I'd thoroughly identified my addictions. I'd always had a "thing" for these things, a strong affinity, but never had I considered them an actual addiction, but it's true. My addictions are spending money, food as a comfort/coping mechanism, and men.

I'm currently really tackling my issues with food. I've always been a lover of foods and considered it my coping mechanism, although I didn't always acknowledge that. If I was having a bad day, I'd tell myself  "girl, I feel like shit, go get a donut." Or "well, you're hanging out with friends, might as well eat those fries." Or the good old "my period is coming, I feel like shit, I'm going to eat this chocolate cake." And with those years of allowing myself to consciously and unconsciously eat my feelings, I'd developed a pattern of eating trash, which I swear I feel I battle daily. But on a good note, I feel like looking at this habit from this space puts me in the best place to finally defeat it once and for all. At work, I've learned about "dry drunks." These are people who have stopped using, but never fully delved into why they did what they did, so they continued with destructive patterns. My goal with food is to look at the "whys" and begin to be more conscious about being healthier in how I respond to stress.

I'd also talked previously about how I'd been collecting clutter for years and as I began to part with it, I realized that I'd actually developed a deep attachment to having all of this shit with me. And I'd talked about how I just liked to spend money. I'd be bored and want to go to Target or Kroger, just to buy stuff, not realizing at the time that I was actually satiating a part of myself that I had no clue I'd been placating. I've actually managed to save more money and get my bills paid on time by no longer immediately buying shit, just cuz.

And then there was my addiction to men. It wasn't actually an addiction to sex. I can and have gone without sex. Sure, I liked sex, as do most healthy human adults, but it wasn't sex. It was men. Being around them, having them validate me. After feeling rejected and lonely for so many years of my young life, being able to finally get the guy felt powerful. It felt amazing to be in the presence of good looking and powerful men. Men that other women could only dream of being with. I hung out with them. It gave me confidence that I don't think I'd have had on my own. Men validating me made me feel powerful too. I had conversations with them. I nurtured them. Sometimes I'd sleep with them. But it was never just about sex. It was about the actual high that I achieved in considering these men part of my inner circle.

That attachment to men also led to something else I hate to admit to myself. How codependent I was. I really fucking hate to admit that to myself. It sounds so weak. When I thought of codependency before, I thought of women clinging to dusty ass bums in a desperate attempt to not be alone. Settling for crumbs from men, being down right abused and played to the left, all because of their refusal to learn to be alone. But I'm being honest with myself. I literally want to cry right now. It's important to feel this though. Because feeling it is owning it.

Learning this about myself has been so freeing. I'm still in a contemplative space, so I've been laying low on most social media. But I am thankful to now know that I had actual problems that I'd never previously acknowledged. 

When I decided going into 2021 that I'd scale back from dating/sex, I'd known that I'd kept a few guys in mind in case I wanted to get my "back scratched." I was pretty upfront with myself. I had no desire to entertain new men, so if it came down to it, I'd go to 1 of 2 trusted men to do the deed. But as time went on, I no longer felt like I'd need one of my "glass jars." One of the guys hit me up recently and asked if I wanted to get it in, and after nearly 10 years of friendship, I told him that I'm scared that having sex will cause me to get attached, so I'd have to decline. He understood. I'll be honest, I think I have a bit of fear of dating and the vulnerability that goes with it. I'll start dating again, when it feels right. Sometimes I'll talk to people who've told me that they've gone 2 or 3 years without sex. And they admit that life is actually a hell of a lot easier without the people and pursuits that come with sex. It was never my intention to go that long without it, but sometimes I think that might just be the route I take, whether I'd like to or not.

I'm sure that one day, I'll go back into the field. But I gotta own that I made a lot of stupid and fucked up decisions along the way. Right now, I'm just focusing on my recovery. On being a better woman. On making better choices and in being more intentional about my actions. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be in this self-imposed cocoon, but I don't see myself coming out until I'm ready. And for the first time ever, I'm not anxious about the process. I'm happy and proud that I made it to this space.