Accountability

I've been in my field for roughly 10 years. I've learned a lot about human nature from years of schooling and overall observation. Humans are fucking complex, there is absolutely no way around it. In some ways, it is beautiful how much we differ. In other ways, it is exhausting in how we present.

After Andrea's death, despite swearing off men, I dusted off the online dating to see if anything worthwhile would be there. The first dude seemed decent enough, until his second statement to me said that he wanted a busty woman. Um, what? I was gonna just block him and let it slide, but nope, not today. I responded by telling him "yo, that's mad disrespectful. You don't know me to speak like that." He apologized, but explained that he was "just being honest about his needs." I told him that just because he thinks something does not mean that he needs to say it. He tried to keep talking, but I blocked him.

Next up was another guy. He seemed nice. We asked one another several questions, which I thoroughly enjoyed, because so many people withdraw when you ask them about themselves. Come to find out, the guy lived in the same neighborhood where I work. I asked him to suggest a good park to walk around in the neighborhood and I waited for him to volunteer to join me. I'm not one for wasting time in dating, so I bit the bullet and asked him to come along, although I'd already picked up on him being hesitant.

He agreed to join me, and I was on the phone with him as he'd struggled to find shorts to go walking in. I assured him that in working from home, I was sure he was in sweats all day anyway, I was okay if he  met me at the park wearing what he already had on. I'd then picked up on his indecisiveness, but again, not necessarily a deal breaker. We met up, and he wasn't really my type physically, but I decided to give it the old college try regardless.

While walking, the conversation was pretty decent. I'd told him how while hiking at a park in Tennessee, I'd come across a huge cave and I was torn between walking into the cave and observing it from the outside. He told me that he absolutely would not have gone in. While walking along, we observed a small wooden bridge that went into a marsh. I immediately walked onto the sturdy bridge, enamored at being surrounded by the wildlife. He stayed put, refusing to attempt walking on the bridge. All I could think was that I was the same woman that drove cross country by myself during a pandemic, and in the midst of the greatest racial strife in this country in my lifetime. If this dude was too damned scared to walk on a wooden bridge, a half foot off the ground, no way in hell could he be for me.

At the end of our visit, he unloaded on me about painful things he'd experience in the past. Despite him telling me earlier that he'd be okay not having his own biological children, it was clear to me that he wanted Claire Huxtable. He wanted a woman baking cookies at home, and he wanted to be the sports coach/team dad. And there's nothing wrong with wanting what we want, but I've learned to be honest with myself and others. Rather than knowing we're different and trying to become what the other wants, we shouldn't kid ourselves and transform. Let's just look for what we want. I want to travel and see the world. My son is 13 and I have no plans for more. I want to see the world. He wants the Ebony Magazine family. Let's just call a spade a spade.

Right after the meeting, he contacted me to ask how I felt about him. I decided to be honest and not waste anymore time. I told him that he's nice, but he clearly wants the family life, and I'm not the woman for him, but we can certainly be friends. He was a bit let down, but he accepted it. As time went on, he'd still text me "good morning" every day. I'd ask if he wanted to hang out, but he always had bullshit reasons why he couldn't do so, while still texting me good morning daily. A few days ago, I started to consider if I really wanting to keep a friendship going with him. He seemed nice enough, but he'd already fallen into a pattern I'd seen far too often from men. The whole "I'm not really trying to be with you, but I'm going to maintain enough contact to fool myself into thinking that things are going well." 

If I've learned nothing else about men, it is that a man that is serious will show up if he's into you. Texting me "good morning" while making no plans to date or link up shows me that you got some other shit going on. Nothing wrong with being where you are, but I'm not going to hold the phone while you work through your anxiety. 

Being in my field, I've come to recognize signs of things being "off." Call it a gift. Or a curse. What can seem like no big deal to anyone else can be major red flags to me. A guy struggling to wear pants or shorts hiking can be small to a lot of folks, but after all of my time dating and learning, I know what to observe.

That said, I decided to reach out to a former co-worker yesterday to ask about substance abusers and their propensity for self-sabotaging behavior. We danced around to find a answer that addressed what I needed. My co-worker then said that it often boils down to "accountability." How people realize that when things are going well, they are suddenly held accountable for their actions, which scares them, so they self-sabotage.

I was telling a friend of mine a few days ago about the new guy and how I was thinking of cutting him off. I don't dislike him, but texting me in the morning, but making no real effort to see me doesn't sit well with me. I've had way too many men do this bullshit song and dance with me. If you don't want to see me or even talk to me on the phone, exactly who are you texting me in the morning for? Cuz I don't give a shit about your stupid morning text messages. So the only reason you're reaching out to me is for you.

Anyway, the new guy texted me this morning. I was dry in my response, hoping he'd take a hint. He didn't. He followed up with "HRU." I finally mustered the guts to say "Can I be honest?" He responded that made him nervous because it meant that I was about to end things. I assured him that I wasn't trying to end the friendship, but I felt like he needed to hear what I had to say. He said that he understood.

I went on to state that I observed his nervousness and hesitation and that I think he should take some time to figure out what he wants. No need to be out here meeting new women if you're still figuring out what you want. He'd told me previously that he'd been to therapy, and I suggested that he continue with his therapy to work through things. I really wanted to say "clearly, you have a diagnosis of anxiety, and I'm not going to date you, just to treat you." But I didn't. I kept it light, so that he would hear me. But he didn't.

He accused me of using my clinical skills to judge him based on what he'd told me. Which was laughable, because I was already observing him in having a mini panic attack when he was torn about shorts or pants. I was 100% sure he wasn't the one when I couldn't even get him to walk on a small bridge with me. Those 2 things were sure for me, and that's before he told me about any childhood trauma.

I tried to explain to him why I'd said what I said but he'd stopped responding. I'm pretty sure he blocked me. Which I'm fine with, because now I won't be getting any bullshit text messages telling me good morning and good night.

But I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't disappointed by his response. I know that his upset response was more about his feelings of inadequacy than about anything. But just once, I'd like for people to be accountable for their shit. At least be accountable in the fact that you're trying to use me. Be accountable for the fact that you're attempting to use women to compensate for your own emotionally stunted development. At least now I'm finally being accountable for not being responsible for saving men looking for mother figures.