I started my job back in October, and since then, I've often heard my boss speak of clients attempting to "manipulate" a situation. I work with women in substance abuse recovery, and although I didn't quite understand what she'd meant, I've learned to watch and observe, rather than trying to interject. As a big believer in signs, I've kind of marveled at how the world around me has worked to bring about lessons for what I need at this stage in my life.
So I spoke in my last blog about Fred popping back up, and how I was conflicted about his presence. How we've been through a lot, but I'm starting to change in how I receive people and what kinds of behaviors I tolerate now. I was willing to overlook the last time that he'd disappeared, but my tolerance for behaviors that I dislike is starting to wane, quickly. I wrote a while ago about how I'm decluttering a lot in my life, and I'm not sure how it happens to work with people, but yes, I'm decluttering people too. It wasn't really my intention, but once I started to recognize my value and started to observe the behaviors of the people around me a lot more closely, I started to declutter the people that bring chaos as well.
Anyway, Fred came back. We'd been chatting, almost daily, since he returned. I'd told him that I'm not dating or sexually involved at the moment, and how that cleared energy is allowing me, for the first time in years, to focus on my creative endeavors.
When I last saw Fred in October, he mentioned a young lady he'd been keeping company with. I was pissed. Not that he was keeping company with a young lady, I too had a friend at the time. I was more pissed because if she was a woman he'd considered more than just a casual fling, I wouldn't have flown my ass across the country to see him. I'm not mad, we're adults, and as we get older, it's only natural to want to enter into a relationship with someone we can go into our golden years with. But don't have me flying cross country, if you have a boo. Real shit, I'm not here for that.
So anyway, I'd probed a bit when asking about his recent birthday, in addition to Valentine's Day. He mentioned spending time with "a girlfriend" and I already knew. I asked if he had a girlfriend and his response was "something like that." I was furious. I kept it cool for the rest of that conversation, but I was livid. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't mad that he has a girlfriend, I'm more mad about how that information was presented. We'd been talking for a week since he'd re-entered, and despite the many conversations we'd had, he never mentioned a girlfriend. We got off the phone like everything was okay, but I was stewing. An hour later, I texted him and said "I'm getting off of this merry-go-round. I can't do this anymore." He didn't respond. Which is good, because I really didn't want him to. The next day, I was still stewing, so I sent him a few more text messages, one of which read "STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME." Again (thankfully), he didn't respond. I couldn't quite figure what exactly it was that bugged me at the time. It wasn't the girlfriend. It was how he handled it. I was just done.
Around the same time, I also happened to get extremely sick for a couple of weeks. I swore it was COVID-19, but 4 tests determined that was a lie. But still, I had fevers, body aches, headaches, and a cough that kicked my ass. I'd been fucking up at work (my own fault, really), but in correcting my performance, I finally checked out a training book I'll be working from. The course and book is called "Criminal and Addictive Thinking" and it was designed for men in prison. I'd dragged my feet on reading the book, in part because my coworker talked about how crappy and non-applicable it was. But I was really enthralled by it.
One of the things I'd seen in the book was a discussion of various manipulative tactics used by these men, again associated with addiction and criminal behavior. My mouth hung open. It's one thing to feel in your gut that you're being taken for a ride, it's another thing to see all of these tactics written in black and white. Things such as playing dumb, minimizing what a person is saying to you, gas lighting, and many others. It was like being punched in the stomach. As I read through, I found myself thinking about men from my past. David, my son's father, Fred, Ted, my own father, and many other men... unfortunately, it was a lot.
And that's when it hit me. That's why I was so angry. I wasn't angry about him having a girlfriend. I was angry at the manipulation of the situation. Had he just said to me in the beginning, when we first started talking again, "hey Malika, I got something to tell you. I have a girlfriend. I still want you in my life, but in a platonic way," I would have respected it. Yeah, it would have stung, but I could have dealt with it. But instead, he talked around it, and gave some sort of half-assed explanation, only after I'd asked about it, a week after we'd been talking again.
The workbook helped me to understand how manipulative he really was. He was intentionally vague, so that he could continue to control the situation, and so that he'd continue to have me hang on his every word and adore him. And then I got mad at myself. The fact is, this man and I have been dealing with one another for a decade and a half. This wasn't the first time he'd done some bullshit like this. It was just the first time that I was able to identify it for what it was, call it out, and separate myself. But this time, quite possibly for good.
I talked to my bestie yesterday, and she said that Fred had called her, and left a voice message. My bestie, much like myself, doesn't check her messages, so she was unsure of what he'd said. I just thought it was interesting that he'd called her, particularly because they don't have that kind of relationship. Granted, he stayed with her for a while in DC, because of work, and he may have just been checking in. But his timing is suspect. Nevertheless, not my monkey, not my circus.
I'm just thankful that the Universe continues to declutter for me. My home is coming along nicely, and I just emptied out a closet yesterday. And thanks to spotting bullshit behavior, Fred has been thrown out as well.
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