My best friend, Sky, is a big follower of the zodiac. As a Gemini, I can't help but to be drawn to it as well, as Gems are often well-known, if not infamous for a lot of our attributes. When I meet men (not that I'm on that at the moment), I often hold my breath after telling them that I'm a Gemini. In reflecting in Andrea's death, Sky mentioned how he was once on her porch with her, when he noticed that she'd had a casket out there as well. She too was a Gemini. Sky pointed out then that Geminis have a certain preoccupation with death. I didn't notice the casket until after she was gone, but yes, a black wooden coffin was on her porch. Mere inches away from where we sat as she smoked cigarettes. God I miss that woman.
I hate it when Sky is right. I too have a preoccupation with death. I don't mean to. I try not to talk about my death often, as I know it can weird people out. But it's true. I probably think about my death daily. I remember seeing a therapist some years ago. He asked me if I think about death. I told him yes. He asked who's death. I responded along the lines of "my death, my parents' deaths, my sisters' deaths, my friends' death, my coworkers' deaths..." I recall him letting out a slight chuckle. It's true though. I think about death a lot.
I'm motivated by death in a lot of ways. I suffered from depression terribly during my teen years, contemplating and threatening suicide on numerous occasions. I had one serious attempt that landed me on a 3 day hold, followed by a couple moments of suicidal ideation. But getting older, I grew to appreciate life a lot more, but in appreciating life, death was never far from my mind. As a matter of fact, death grew to be a huge motivator for me to live my life to the fullest. Death is the reason that I tell people I love them, even if it makes them uncomfortable. I've seen people stiffen up when I utter those words, but I don't care. I'll gladly make this moment uncomfortable, even if I know they won't/can't say it back. I need them to hear it. Because I don't know when my clock (or their clock) will stop ticking, and I don't wanna go out with regrets. That's why I told Pete I loved him when I did. And I think that's why he responded in kind. Sometimes, we just need to hear and say it. I don't know if I ever said it to Andrea. But somehow, I'm okay with that. Because even if it was never said, it was felt in each and every interaction.
In being motivated by death, I try to be very intentional in my actions and words. I apologize when I lose my cool and/or if I'm wrong. I try to talk things out. I don't try to fall out over petty things. I maintain a boundary, definitely. But I don't end relationships that mean a lot to me over bullshit.
So anyway, I'd said before that what drew me closer to Andrea to begin with, happened to be that a woman I'll call Tiffany took an issue with something that she'd posted in my personal group. The post was deleted. But later, Andrea posted something else that she'd also found offending. To keep the peace, Andrea was asked to block Tiffany. The thing is, no one else in the group was offended. It was clearly a NSFW group, so that seemed like the best solution at the time. Welp, that didn't work, because Tiffany was offended that she'd been blocked. Honestly, no malice was intended, it was really an act to keep the peace. That's not how Tiff saw it.
Andrea and I both felt that a conversation between all 3 parties would be best. We wanted to talk and explain ourselves and hash it all out. Tiffany declined. I'd tried to have a conversation with her solo, and Tiffany was hurt. She barely talked to me. I'd tried to reach out online and she didn't respond. I spent a good couple of months waiting for her to come around. I knew that she felt like she'd respond when she felt like it. But I grew tired of waiting. I'd explained to a mutual friend how I'm sick of being treated like everyone's bitch, expected to wait to be acknowledged. With my hands held out, ready to hug at any given moment. So I unfriended her on Facebook and I removed her from our group chat that she'd stopped responding to.
And then Andrea died. I pretty much knew that Tiff would be feeling some kind of way about how she'd acted. But I was devastated by the loss of my friend and I didn't really care at that point. I'd posted on Facebook about my grieving Andrea and Tiffany responded in some way and I saw it. But I didn't say shit. What was I supposed to say?
Now mutual friends are encouraging me to reach out to Tiffany, as she's supposedly hurt to realize that I'm no longer waiting, hat in hand, for her to acknowledge me. When Andrea was here, we both acted in the moment to make things smooth. We weren't trying to wait for some kind of "perfect time." She and I both knew that time is fleeting. We don't always have forever to apologize, make up, or whatever. I don't hate Tiffany. I wish her well. And if she chooses to reach out again, I'm down to communicate and squash things. But I'm sick and fucking tired of always being the one to apologize or waiting for people to come around. I put a lot of energy into my friends. I like peace and serenity. I'm always mindful that any day could be a final one for me and my loved ones, so I'm all about making the most of our time. I'm tired of being abused, because I'm the "nice one."
There's nothing sadder to me than listening to an older person who has regrets. My grandfather wanted to visit Africa before he died, but he never got the chance, because of his medical issues. I don't want that to be me. I want to see different people and places. I want to try new foods. I want to make love to beautiful men. I want the people I care about to know that I love them. And I want to be surrounded by people that love me as much as I love them. Andrea reminded me of that.
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