Unpacking

 My first time being immersed in the idea of minimalism, I was visiting a friend's home. I was immediately drawn to his actual lack of stuff. His was a neat home. A low bed, a low couch. But it felt cozy. It felt livable. I loved the idea of having such a home. And it wasn't that he was poor either. Nope, he was a singer who'd traveled the world, and had great taste in design. He just didn't have a bunch of extra stuff in his apartment. I did all kinds of mental gymnastics to figure how I could one day have a home with the same decor, but I gave up on the idea, although not completely. The fact is that I simply had too much stuff to pull off such a look. But I wanted it.

I've always had a lot of stuff. Quite honestly, the first time in my life I ever moved was from College Park to Decatur and I still have some old magazines and boxes packed up from that. On occasion, I'll pull it out and look through and reminisce about my teenage years. But not enough to justify the space taken, if I'm honest with myself.

The next time I started to look closely at my stuff was after Pete died. The whole time I attended Clark, I looked forward to being able to purchase nice things for myself. I'd developed a love of Coach bags and I prided myself on splurging on a new bag whenever I came into a few extra bucks. I saw my bags as a sign that I'd finally made it and was able to buy nice things for myself. I loved the compliments I got on each one of my bags, as they all signified my being stylish and a woman of means. BWAHAHAHA!!!

I recall sitting on my therapist's couch and explaining that since he died, I no longer wanted nice purses, I wanted instead to be free of such nice things, because they no longer held value. But as time went on, and my grief waned, so too did my desire to free myself of my Coach bag collection, and I'm currently up to 5, with a side of a Kate Spade.

It only really hit home how much shit I own back in July. I'd just returned from my cross-country trip, and with everything going on, I decided that it was time to move. I looked around at my apartment and immediately got overwhelmed with the idea of moving. I had so much stuff. I had full bookshelves, magazines dating back 10 years, dozens of dvds, years of old blankets, a bunch of pots and pans in my kitchen. My decision to move made me look even differently at the toiletries in my bathroom. For the first time ever, it occurred to me that I had literally dozens of perfumes. I took stock in my hygiene items and realized that I had about 5 bars of deodorant, 5 different hair moisturizers, 6 or 7 lotions, a few body scrubs, 3 tubes of toothpaste... just so much stuff!

After I decided to move, I looked at my apartment differently. My ultimate goal was to move into my new crib with just a few boxes and a few of my favorite pieces of furniture. But my small little cozy collection of stuff became an overwhelming pile that I needed to unload. It was no longer my stuff, it was just stuff. While I previously looked forward to adopting a new Coach bag this spring, with part of my tax return, I've since lost interest in it. I'll stack that money and put it toward a nice vacation instead.

Circumstances weren't good for a move because of the pandemic and not wanting to move my son from his school, so I stayed put, but the seed to scale down had been planted. I made a conscious effort to start unloading things. My best friend said that he likes candles, so I made it a point to slide him a few candles that had been sitting at my home. I made it a point to actually use the perfumes I had. By the time I move, I'd like to be down to 5 or 6 scents. Rather than using a small splash of random scents, I made a conscious effort to use one bottle at a time. And not only did I start using what I owned, I also realized that part of my issue was to stop buying shit too!

I'm a sucker for Target's sales in the toiletries section. It took a few days, but it finally started to hit home that I have to avoid Target's toiletries area, because truth is that I have about 6 months to a year of most supplies already. There is nothing there that I need. I also implemented a rule where I'd periodically look at the toiletries that I did own, and I'd toss not only  the things that were expired, but also the things that didn't work (or at least worked <50% in the way that I needed them to). For those items that didn't work, but I'd still held onto, I finally decided to just throw them away.

As the Universe tends to do, symbols and signs started to lead the way. Someone posted this on Facebook recently and I was inspired even further to embrace minimalism once and for all. Coincidentally, at the start of the year, I pledged myself no more Starbucks for the full month of January. In that space, I started to realize that I actually just enjoy spending money, which coincides with accumulating stuff. So all this time, I didn't even realize that. All of this stuff that I've been collecting, was in part because I'd enjoyed just the actual act of buying stuff. It just occurred to me that this is an actual issue I have!

I got to a point where I actually enjoyed throwing things away. I get a bit of glee looking at newly empty spaces. As I started to get rid of things, I happened to start my new job, working with women in a residential treatment center. Many women there entered with just the clothes on their backs, so donations came through the door constantly. I'd also started to take a look at my closet. My precious, precious clothes. There are clothing items that I've owned since my mid 20's and even my teens in my closet. I'm 40. As I've had women report to me that they needed clothes, either as they'd gotten larger (because of pregnancy), or they were just eating a lot to pass time in rehab. Some women also needed clothes because they were starting to go on job interviews and needed outfits. I finally found the chance to unload all of these clothes. Unloading things means that much more when you know that someone else will get better usage out of it.

I decided that when I move, I'm trashing all of my plates, as they don't match anyway. I didn't really care about plates and glasses though, mostly because my child is much like his mother, clumsy af, and I opted not to buy a matching set of dishes until he is out of high school and I'm living solo. I plan to unload many of these pots and pans too. All I need is a couple of baking sheets and about 3 pots and 2 pans. I might even just toss it all and rebuy nicer things once I move. I've been collecting so many more  things over the years, as people would often unload their things onto me. And even though I didn't need them, I took them on anyway, to stash them away to never be seen again.

I'd always felt that I'd feel some kind of way if I got rid of some of my things. But the fact is that I don't miss stuff at all. I feel lighter. My apartment is less cluttered and easier to clean. Those extra cups I tossed make my kitchen less junky and more spacious. My bedroom is cleaner without so much stuff and my closets are neater and better organized.

So while I'm not quite the minimalist yet, I'm sure I will one day be. I'm loving, learning, and correcting these maladaptive behaviors that I've had for so long, and unloading this stuff, I'm learning to unburden myself of a lot of pressure I'd previously held. Sometimes, my memories are enough. I don't have to spend money to have a good time. While I felt more secure surrounded by random baubles previously, I'm really enjoying not needing the protection of what I can buy and have bought, I'm leaning on my independence. I'm noticing that I'm starting to save money too. I frequently scan my apartment for things I don't need. It's almost like a game I play with myself- what thing have I owned for years that I don't need, that I can now throw away and no longer miss?

 I still plan to move one day, just not as soon I originally planned. But I maintain my original goal of only needing a few small boxes for most of my belongings, followed by the furniture that I plan to bring (I'm planning to toss some of the furniture as well).

It's all starting to click. I'm getting there. I'm more inspired than ever to write, and more focused to expand my career in order to help people. Unloading myself of needless casual dating, in addition to unloading unnecessary items, while learning to avoid buying new ones is what real freedom looks like. I'm thankful for the little things and grateful to be on my way to becoming a better version of myself. I don't need stuff. 

Because I am enough on my own.