Not My Monkey, Not My Circus

 A few years back, I heard a saying that changed my life. 

"Not my monkey, not my circus."

For a very long time, I felt enmeshed in the lives and drama of others. I became overwhelmed with the pains of the rest of the world. But this saying grounded me like never before and helped me realize that I gotta stop carrying other people's shit.

I've been Buddhist over 10 years now, but I'm starting to hold firmer to the faith and even meditated for the first time in forever yesterday. But the joy of Buddhism is that it frees me from expectations and problems. I deal with things as they come, but I now know not to get overwhelmed, especially with problems that are not even mine.

A large part of that also came from Pete's passing. After his death, I went into a bit of cocoon, no sex, no dating, minimal friend interaction, just me and mine. Work, home, school, motherhood, grief, I just didn't have the emotional bandwith to be the social butterfly that many have come to know and love. But once I started to emerge from my depression, after isolating for so long, it occurred to me that I was no longer wearing the issues of so many others and my ish was pretty good. My bills were paid, and I wasn't dealing with a lot of the bullshit that comes with dating. I didn't care if a guy didn't call me back or if he was lying through his teeth. Dare I say, I felt good  just to be in my own space. It was then that I realized just how much of my problems stem from sources outside of myself. On my own, I kept it 100.

So I while I did falter at times, for the most part, I was able to remain within my own bubble and create far less drama for myself by just being in my cocoon. And I learned that when I see bullshit coming, I have every right to get out of the way, or simply decline to engage.

I've stated many times before, how the Universe will test us on our path. Oh boy. So my son's father and I are no longer trying to kill one another, but I sure as hell wouldn't call him my friend. Relinquishing him from my mind and spirit was the best gift that I could give to myself. I'm no longer angry about the hurt. But I will never forget who he is and that he brought me to my lowest point. But he no longer has access to the same Malika that everyone else does.

So anyway, baby daddy recently informed me that he was diagnosed with COVID-19 and told me that he will be unable to take Caleb for his weekly visit. I was surprised that I actually cared! I small part of me was concerned, and I genuinely thought that I would not be worried if he'd ever gotten hurt. My first instinct was to call and ask him if he wanted me to bring him soup or something. But I held off. He no longer has that Malika. She's dead to him. I texted him back and said a simple "I hope you get better."

While I was tempted to rush in and save him, I remembered that for every time he disrespected me, lied to me, called me out of my name, insulted me, etc., he showed me how he felt. And now that he is alone and suffering, he is no longer my problem. There were always many women lining up to be with and do for him, one of those women is welcome to do the honors. 

Because he is not my monkey, and that is no longer my circus.