Saturday, July 10, 2010
My FOC Part II
So I was on the phone the other day with my bestie, Portia, when I told her about the conversation about me and Pookie and him wanting us to get married if I got pregnant. I said to her that I knew it might shock her, but I had a fear of commitment. That's when Portia, in her infinite wisdom, said "of course I knew you were afraid of commitment."
I actually grew defensive. "How the hell did you know that I was afraid of commitment?!" I demanded. She responded with "Malika, you've been in two long relationships and you've never demanded a commitment. Why else would that be?" Man, I hate it when people figure me out. Again, I said "I can't believe you knew I feared commitment." Portia responded with something about me not even being able to commit to one lip gloss. That's when I retorted with "I commit to ALL of my lip glosses!"
The lip gloss quip came after a Facebook post I'd made a while ago when I said that I'd broken my previous record of how many lip glosses I'd had in my purse at one time, by having ten in there. Honestly, its not something that I set out to do, I just have a passion for lip gloss. It's awesome how just a little bit can pull your face together. Anyway, at my birthday party, someone asked how many lip glosses I'd had in my purse at the time and I pulled out six. Which is what brought Portia to mention it.
Portia saying that brought me to once again contemplating on the whole thing. She was totally right, I'd never demanded a relationship from either guy. I've told Pookie that I don't like how he does some things, but at no point in our nearly 4 years together did I ever look him in the eye and demand a relationship. We've teeterd on the idea of marriage, by the old "if we aren't married by a certain age" conversation, but we never seriously wanted talked about it. And then there's my ex. There were actually times that I'd wanted to marry him, but again, I never seriously said to him that we needed a commitment until the end.
Portia theorized that I didn't want to relinquish control, but that wasn't it at all. I just never wanted to be tied down. Period. My lifelong friend Courtney says that it's just those guys that I don't want to marry. I don't know how right that is. There were times during my brief thing with Him where I felt that I could spend forever with him. But imagination and reality are totally different things. Sure, in theory he'd be a great husband, but there were some pivotal things that Pookie possesses that Him lacked.
I started briefly chatting with a guy that graduated from my high school a year before me. We linked up on Facebook. For a short (very short) while I told myself how cute it would be if we got together and had kids. But it wasn't too long before I realized that dude was crazy as hell, so I had to abandon that one quickly. That appears to be my modus operandi. I meet a guy, briefly entertain forever, we eventually tick each other off, and I'm back to square one.
Maybe in the end, I will just wrap up the dating thing and marry Pookie. No rush though. Commitments don't seem to be all they're cracked up to be.