*Le Sigh*

So as I'd proudly shouted from rooftops before, I'd started up my fling again with "Fred" after a few years of a hiatus. When I got home tonight, I called him and we made plans to rendevous later. Now a few weeks ago when we talked he mentioned that he was hanging with "a girlfriend" and I didn't think much of it. Tonight, when I asked about tomorrow night, he mentioned hanging with "(his) girlfriend." So anyway, we went ahead and made plans for tonight.

But then my wheels started spinning. Did he just refer to her as his girlfriend or was he referring to her as a female friend? I called him back to ask. That's when he said that he's seeing her regularly. I asked if she knew that he had "friends" on the side. He asked why. I told him that I didn't want to be a part of any deception. That's when he sent me a text saying "Well that's cool, we don't have to have sex anymore."

CRAP!!

Did I really just make the responsible decision for some chick that I don't even know? It's not even about her. It's moreso about me. Between Pookie and my ex David and a few other guys, I've played the side chick before and it never really bugged me. I'd always felt that sex was between me and the guy and if he had a girlfriend, well that shit had nothing to do with me. But somehow, this time, I just can't. I can't. I think it's more about age. I'm 30 for God's sake and he's even older. Frankly, we're too damned old to not be straight up with whoever and whatever we're doing. While driving earlier today I started to focus on my life. And I realized that I'm truly happier now than I've ever been in my life. I've got so much peace, and happiness, and understanding.

Somehow I know that if I fall back into the habit of doing chickenhead shit, all I'm doing is blocking my cosmic blessing. I'm not going to act like I'm on some "holier than thou" shit. Straight up, I'm thinking about running over there tonight and giving our thing a proper finale before ending it all. If it doesn't go down tonight, it'll be over. For good. Even if I do go over there tonight, after the fact, there will be no more.

I hit Daisy up to complain about having to end it. She asked me if he and I were still going to hang. The thing is that Fred and I are a part of my big clique of homies. I told her that despite me wanting to hump his leg like a bitch in heat, when we're out he and I will still be cool. He and I have a cool history and despite this road block, we're still folks.

So anyway, I gotta end things with Fred. Damn I don't want to. I just know that I'm not the same Malika that I was 10 or even 5 years ago. I don't want to be a part of lies and deception and games. If I enter into a sexual contract with a man, I expect him to be straight up with me and all of the chicks he's banging. It just sucks that I gotta give up what I want for the greater good.

*Le sigh*