Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Fear of Commitment

The other day, I asked Pookie if he'd want me to get an abortion if I got pregnant again. Despite what I expected to hear him say, he said "I probably shouldn't say this, but I'd say 'screw it, let's get married.' " You'd probably think that I was saying to myself "YES, THIS IS IT!!" however, my internal dialogue was saying that if I hadn't had so many problems with birth control in the past, I'd immediately go back on it.

It's not that I don't love him. I've told him more than once that if he ever fell ill or got seriously injured, I'd stick by him no matter what. It's not that he's not a great father. He cooks and cleans, and teaches our son so much. It's not that he isn't a great provider. My son is nearly 3 years old, and up until recently, he's paid all of the bills. The problem is that I have a huge fear of commitment. Yes, it's true.

It may surprise some to know that I've got a fear of relationships, but it's something I've dealt with for a long time now. Only recently have I truly internally dealt with this, although I've always known it lingered. As a matter of fact, I referred to it as my FOC in conversation with my homegirls back in the day.

I think it dates back to my relationship with my father (Freud would love that one). My father and I are really close and I can literally talk to him about anything. The thing is that for us to be close, my father is the most detached man I've ever known. We can be having a totally close moment on the phone and his phone will ring and he'll abruptly end our conversation as if I were a telemarketer. When we hug, he embraces me like I've got some kind of contagious disease. Yet he and I are so close that I've already told him that if he ever gets too old to take care of himself, I'd take him in instead of putting him in a home. Yet we barely hug. I can't remember the last time he told me he loves me, although I know that I'm the most important person in his life. And this detached creature is who I've come to seemingly model my relationships after.

I've recently come to see that my FOC is the reason that I've held my long term non-relationships is because it was actually what I'd wanted. I mean, one open relationship for 10 years and now another open one for 4 years. And I was glad to never be considered a g-word. I seriously get choked up when I think about being a... girlfriend. *shudders* So that is why my ex, David, worked so well with me for so long. If he pissed me off, I sent him home, if I pissed him off, he didn't call me. We didn't need a lot of long complicated talks, rules, and explanations. I had my freedom. Funny enough, one of his old coworkers asked if he and I were married because we seemed so familiar with one another. Yet he and I were only friends. And I loved it. If I wanted to fuck someone else, I did. There aren't any men out there that I'd wanted that I couldn't have because of another man.

Truth be told, I've started casually seeing another guy now. And I like it. I might break it off because I feel cheap sleeping with two guys, even though he's someone I dated back in the day and we've known one another for years. A part of me is feeling that things may end between me and the other guy soon, but I love having the option to do what I want.

The funny thing is that like I'd said before, I'm not much to be screwing around a lot. I simply want to reserve the right to do who and what I want, whenever I want. Is that too much to ask?

When Pookie mentioned marriage, I'd asked if he'd still screw around and if he'd expect me to do so as well. He actually said that no, if he got married it would be for real, no screwing around. You would think that I would be nervous about marrying him because I'd fear that he'd stray in a marriage again, but I was actually more worried about my own tendency to do what I want when I've reached my limit.

With my ex, it wasn't until we'd been together for nearly a decade did I say that he and I needed to look at making it official. And while I've had moments where I wanted Pookie to keep his ass (and other body parts) at home, overall, the notion of being tied to him and ONLY him chokes me up. I immediately told him that even if I got married, Blaire Underwood would still get it any day of the week.

What's crazy is that at times I can actually see myself getting married, just not to the men around me. Perhaps it's just that I've never seen myself wanting to be with any of the men I've dated for the long term. I've met some really nice guys that were marriage ready, even though I have a child with another man, and they pretty much told me that I could move in asap. Maybe that kind of stuff is what other women want to hear, but that kind of talk makes me run like hell in the other direction. It's bad enough for me to get into a long committed relationship, it's another thing to bring my son into some craziness also.

So here I am, technically uncommitted. And it works for me.


Anonymous said...

Go with your gut, M.

Miss.Stefanie said...

Follow your heart